Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Awesomest Elementary School Ever

Considering that over 20% of my life has been spent in an elementary school, I find that I am uniquely qualified to give suggestions as to what would make elementary schools better. Here is my almost sickeningly logical plan.

1. Replace Valentine’s Day with Candy Day.

I touched on this earlier, and how it is weird that kids are supposed to give a valentine to every other kid in the class, even if they don’t, in fact, love them. The only reason little kids like the day at all is because it means they will get a lot of candy. I know teachers struggle on days when their kids are all amped on sugar, so instead of creating a separate Candy Day, we just replace Valentine’s Day, and save parents the money and hassle of buying that pack of 30 valentines. And there’s less trash for the janitors to pick up. Plus, the very concept of Candy Day is just going to be exciting for the kiddies.

2. Add Lots Of Bathrooms. Everywhere.

Little kids need to go to the bathroom at erratic times, and they are so focused on playing and candy that they often don’t go to the bathroom when they should. No kid ever “kind of” needs to use the bathroom. Either a kid doesn’t, or he REALLY has to go. Storytime: in third grade I was granted the “privilege” of leaving class 10 minutes early to work in the snack bar. (In retrospect, this was really forced child labor, as my only payment for about 45 minutes of work was a 50 cent ice cream bar or bag of chips. But I digress.) Anyways, this one woman walked us to the cafeteria and asked if any of us needed to use the bathroom, and we all said no. About 20 minutes into my shift at work, I really had to go to the bathroom. I tried to hold it, but after 10 minutes I couldn’t take it anymore and jumped out the snack bar window and sprinted a good 200 yards to the bathroom – I made it just in time. When I came back, there was this very angry line of like 30 kids waiting to buy snacks, wondering why no one was behind the counter. After this episode, it was mandatory that we stopped off at the bathroom before working our cafeteria shift.
3. Create Economic Incentives.

One of my 5th grade teachers, Mrs. Bernard, used to keep everyone completely focused with a reward system based on jellybeans. It was a two-tiered system with crappy large jellybeans (the kind you wouldn’t really eat on your own nowadays) and glorious Jelly Bellies. This is equivalent to giving kids cash, but since society finds that practice odious, this will work as a substitute. After all, if you give a kid money, what is he or she going to buy? Candy. Money is candy, candy is money. Though genial by appearance, Mrs. Bernard actually ruled with an iron fist, threatening to dole out punishments like the “red card” or the dreaded “black card”, which Rich got once for calling a very slightly larger girl “King Kong.” Mrs. Bernard was crafty – she didn’t want her students hopped up on sugar, so the reward for like 30 minutes of good behavior was sometimes literally only 1 or 2 jellybeans. But nonetheless, our class was the most obedient I had ever seen. See, kids need only two things to learn. One is fear (which Asian parents understand well), and the other is economic incentive (which American parents understand well). Mrs. Bernard combined both perfectly, an ideal fusion of east and west.

4. Dramatically Increase Lost And Found Resources.

Little kids lose things constantly, I lost my two favorite jackets because I put it down to play, and then forgot about it later. Then when I went back to the spot, someone had taken it. At my imaginary elementary school, every recess period will be followed with a “street team” which will pick up all items and move them to lost and found. A similar team will work the after-school daycare shift. Don’t act like you didn’t lose stuff too. You totally did.

5. Cleanliness Is Friendliness.

Each classroom will have a sink in the front (should be easy with all the additional plumbing I’m installing for the extra bathrooms) and Purel, and every kid is required to wash their hands and use Purel every time they come back into the classroom. Kids are germ magnets. They get sick all the time, and get other kids in the class sick too. Also, tissues will be widely available. Children have runny noses, but I found in elementary school that it was not always easy to get hold of a quality tissue – oftentimes we would hurt our noses trying to use those rough brown paper towels. Or worse, use our sleeves. Don’t get me wrong, kids are always going to be dirty, but this is a really important item, as I will soon explain.

6. Artificially Generate More School Pride.

We try to teach children to get along with all types of people. Nothing unites disparate people better than a common enemy. I always felt that in elementary school, we didn’t spend enough time being competitive and asserting our dominance over other elementary schools. My school would have an aggressive propaganda campaign about how much better we were than all the other nearby elementary schools. For instance, I would print up fliers saying that other schools had rats in their cafeterias. This will work well, because young minds are especially affected by propaganda.

You may be asking yourself how I am going to finance some of these improvements. Well, I have a lot of methods for that too. One is the cleanliness program, which will mean fewer sick kids and therefore higher attendance. Higher attendance means more funding. Also, when kids are absent, we hire midgets to pose as students for 30 minutes, or whatever the minimum time requirement is to get funding for that day. But the big cost saver will be selling off computers. I hate hearing how schools need a lot of computers. They need a lot of math. And books. And desire to do math and read books. I roll my eyes whenever I read that someone plans to improve a schools’ performance by adding lots of computers. Computers don’t make me want to do math, they make me want to play games. Anyways, by selling the computers, we’ll get cash. Then, we’ll save on the space the computer room is taking up. Then, with better math scores on standardized tests, we’ll get more federal funding and potentially donations from parents who have seen what an awesome job we are doing.

This plan makes so much sense, I frighten myself.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Asian Adventures, Vol. I

My all-time favorite airport experience happened several years ago at LAX. I was at the airport by myself, minding my own business, just standing and reading a magazine. An elderly man (very elderly, at least 85 years old) started walking towards me.

“Hello there, young man!” His breath smelled really bad. I wasn’t sure if it was the Ensure or if it was just old man smell.
“Um…hello,” I replied, cautiously.
“I knew your father!” he exclaimed, although his voice did not allow him to exclaim as loudly as he may have liked.

I was puzzled. How did he know my dad? How did he know who I was? Because this guy could be genuinely crazy, I remained silent.

“Your father was a great, great man!”
“Uh-huh,” I mumbled, burying my head back in my magazine.
“I always admired your father!” What could this guy possibly be talking about?
“Your father – Bruce Lee! – what a great man!” I looked at him quizzically.
“I miss Bruce Lee.”

Yes, yes, don’t we all. Don’t we all.

Candy Day

Crystal told me this funny story yesterday about this really fobby guy at her office that told everyone he loved them on Valentine's Day. That reminded me of a question I've had for a while but never remembered to ask anyone: does anyone else think it's weird that in elementary school, you give a valentine to everyone in the class? (I assume this happened at most elementary schools, but if this only happened at Mira Catalina, that would be good to know as well).

Back then I was only interested in the candy, but it seems like a weird idea for everyone in the entire class to give everyone else a valentine, with messages ranging from the standard "you're the best!" to the oddly-also-sorta-standard "I love you." Candy is cool, cutting red hearts out of construction paper is fine - but it seems like giving someone else a valentine is a slightly more grown up thing to do. Like, I wouldn't have elementary school kids drink a pint of Guiness just because that's we do on St. Patrick's Day. Also, clearly, at some point, we stopped this whole "give valentines to everyone in your class" ritual - who decided what grade that stopped? I think schools should dispense with the formalities altogether, and just rename it "Candy Day". Everyone brings candy to share with everyone else, and you just sit around all day eating it. That's what the Eric Ma School will have - Candy Day. (Soon, by the way, I will be detailing what other awesome features my elementary school will have. Stay tuned.)

Anyhow, I've mostly outgrown my need for candy, and really don't eat much, unless you count sugarless gum. But some adults definitely still need a Candy Day. Last year, Kat was nice enough to mail out little valentine cards with some candy. Only the mailman who got hold of the envelope was so excited about candy that he tore open the envelope and TOOK the candy. THEN, this guy puts the WRAPPER BACK INTO THE ENVELOPE. Without the wrapper, I wouldn't have even known Kat meant to put in any candy - the mailman was definitely taunting me. I was picturing him laughing hysterically as he enjoyed his Jolly Rancher. "MWAHAHA - when you control the mail, you control...INFORMATION!"

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Meaningless Snapshots: Caltech

HBO showed "Accepted" today, a mediocre, predictable genre comedy starring the inexplicably successful Justin Long. I didn't watch the whole thing because it was too boring, but nonetheless, the movie sparked some memories of my own college decision process.

My most memorable campus trip was to the California Institute of Technology, or, of course, Caltech. Without directly offending anyone who went to there, let's just say that at age 17 (or really, any age where I have been alive), I was not particularly excited at the prospect of attending the school. My dad insisted I at least apply, and despite submitting an essay entirely about sports trivia (I must have mentioned Jamal Mashburn like 4 times), I wound up getting in.

So, against my better instincts, I went to the prefrosh weekend. The campus is, at is was then, approximately 30% female, and that 30% is perhaps better known for mental aptitude than, say, other characteristics. Curiously, I met or saw at least 3 cute girls that weekend. To this day, I am convinced Caltech hired them for the weekend to pose as potential students.

During the day, I struck up a conversation with a sophomore girl.

"You're a prefrosh?"
"Yeah", I replied. "How do you like it here?"


"Oh, you know, it's good, I'm glad I came here", she replied, almost convincingly.
"What's your major?"
"Biology - I'm a premed." This provoked some surprise from me - Caltech is notoriously difficult with grades, and premeds are of course notoriously obsessive about them.
"Oh, wow - that's cool that you would be a premed at Caltech", I said, completely failing to grasp where this conversation was soon headed.
"Yeah, I mean, you know, I know that grades are tougher here, but you know, I think...I think medical schools will...I mean, I hope they will understand that...that it's different here...and just because I have...I have a C doesn't...it doesn't mean that..."

Her voice was quivering, and I raised my palms and started mumbling, "hey hey it's okay it's okay". That didn't really do the trick though - a moment later she was flat out bawling in front of me. As I, a helpless 17 year old, stood there stunned, this college sophomore continued to cry her eyes out. I made some vague consoling gestures, but she shooed me away. At that point, my friend, a fellow prefrosh passed us and I just bailed, said a quick bye and left this girl sobbing in the hallway. Sort of a fantastic moment for everyone involved.

Fast forward to that evening. I went to get some food at some sort of mini-student center. The cashier looks Indian, maybe Pakistani, with very delicate features. I order some fries.

"You're a prefrosh?" Man, that must have been like stamped across my face.
"Yeah - how do you like it here?"
She looked pensive for a moment. "I would have to say I really don't like it."

As far as prefrosh weekends go, this was sort of like finding bizzaro buried treasure. On college campuses everywhere, it's understood that no one is to say anything even remotely negative to a potential freshman, under any circumstances whatsoever. You could look like a serial killer and not shower for 9 days, and every person you meet would just happily talk about "all the great friends they made" and their "fascinating professors" and "low student-faculty ratio". Needless to say, I was intrigued.

"Why did you decide to come here?"


"Well, I am from Pakistan, and I did not really know anything about American colleges. My family had a copy of that magazine, and it ranked Caltech number one. So that's what I chose."
Wow. Brutal.
"Okay, um, I'm gonna go eat some fries now."

At midnight, I headed to the gym for "Midnight Basketball". Although I play basketball, I'd be hard-pressed to classify myself as anything better than "average". But in this gym, I was Kevin Garnett, reincarnated as a 6'2" Asian guy. I played in a 5 on 5 game where 6 or 7 of the guys appeared as though they had never played basketball before in their lives.
Blatant travelling, horrific shooting and dribbling. I tried to be a team player, but every time I passed the ball, that guy would immediately throw it right back to me. The other team had a guy about my ability (who I later learned was a prefrosh, not a student), and the game quickly became the two of us playing one on one, with eight other guys running around intensely, but without purpose. My team won a game to 11 - I scored the equivalent of 22 points with probably 14 rebounds and 6 blocked shots and a couple steals. I did not rack up even a single assist, but I think that was largely not my fault.

During a water break, one of the especially awkward guys came up to me.
"Hey man, you're really good!"


"Oh, um, thanks man."
"You're a prefrosh?" Again.
"Yeah - how about you?"
"Oh I go to school here. I'm actually on the basketball team."


Whoa whoa whoa. What? Whoa. "What?"

"Yeah - a bunch of us right here are." He pointed to 5 or 6 other guys we had been playing with. "We play all the time."
Whoa whoa whoa - what? They play all the time? What?
"Yeah, man, you should come to school here and join the team!"


Weeks later, as I retold the story, someone would mention to me that Caltech's basketball team had not won a game in eight years. I couldn't decide what was more shocking: 1) that they hadn't won in eight years 2) that they managed to beat someone eight years ago (who could it have been?) or 3) that the guys I was playing with represented a school that had a basketball team for over eight years.

It was in all honesty sort of a selling point for Caltech in my mind. If I were to enroll, I would become, within an extraordinarily narrow definition of the term, a basketball superstar. Alas, I did not attend Caltech, and my dreams of basketball "greatness" would go unfulfilled.

Even today, I still dream about what could have been.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Google AdSense

I'm curious how much one blog entry affects the nature of the banner ad being posted on the right. So this is not a real entry, forgive me - I'm just going to drop a bunch of buzzwords here and see how responsive AdSense is.

Subprime loan mortgage FDIC Fannie Mae Sallie Mae interest rates fed funds rate Wall Street Journal Bloomberg hedge fund long-short convertible arbitrage syndication bank mezzanine Financial Times BusinessWeek leveraged buyout debt facility revolving commitment no money down payment present value APR yield percentage prime LIBOR EBITDA discounted cash flow principal repayment bankruptcy private equity carried interest management fee no load emerging market stock option grant recapitalization IPO Goldman Sachs CNBC Jim Cramer Dow Jones Nasdaq S&P russell index deep value trading Steve Chuang.

Dancing With The Stars - Really

Another season (I think the fourth?) of ABC's hit "Dancing With The Stars" starts September 24th, and this year, I will be watching. First I should say that I've seen the show a couple times before, and it's surprisingly entertaining. But the primary reason I'm paying attention this year is the presence of the preposterously attractive former Maybelline model Josie Maran.

I assume she is going to be bad at dancing, because it's difficult to conceptualize someone this hot being good at something other than being hot, but who knows. In any case, I think she has next to no fan base (the people who watch this show probably don't feel a very close bond with models), so unless she's a great dancer, she'll be off the show quickly. I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I'm tagging this entry with "celebs", but that's a little bit of a stretch this time.

Here's some stuff to convince you to watch with me.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Actresses Who Suck

Oftentimes, I like to say that this is not another identical blog that goes around saying everything and anything sucks and dropping f-bombs and just being generally negative. And that's still the case, only not today. Today, I will go over actresses who I think completely suck, and I will be very negative, and I will say mean things that my mother would not approve of. But that's okay, she doesn't have to know.

Brittany Murphy: This girl must have made a deal with the devil. That's the only conceivable answer to the question of why the media so badly wants to convince me she is hot. Who is behind this whole master scheme? The only realistic answer is the devil. However, I'm browsing imdb right now, and it appears that one of her post-production movies is "The Ramen Girl", (I kid you not), a "story of an American woman (Murphy) who's stranded in Tokyo after breaking up with her boyfriend. Searching for direction in life, she trains to be a ramen noodle chef under a tyrannical Japanese master." Imdb always says someone has like twelve movies in post-production, so I suspect "The Ramen Girl" is not a real movie. But if it is, she has an outside shot at redeeming herself in my eyes.

Kirsten Dunst: I feel like she's part of some kind of Hollywood charity outreach program. Let me establish first what I think the job criteria ought to be for a mainstream Hollywood actress. First, be attractive. Second, be good at acting. How can you fail 2 out of 2 (that's 100% if you're doing the math at home) job requirements, and still get lots of great job offers? At no point in my life has a friend told me, "You know who's hot? Kirsten Dunst" and at no point has any girl ever told me, "if only I looked more like Kirsten Dunst". And if you want to contend she's a talented actress, I dare you to watch "Spiderman 3" with me. Ordinarily, I would be able to understand her curiously high level of fame under the "Every Generation, A Completely Mediocre Woman Needs To Make It So That Girls Feel Better About Themselves" theory, only I thought that spot was already taken by...

Drew Barrymore: I just want to say, to every girl out there who watched and liked 1998's "Ever After", I want to say that I hate you. Well, that's extreme, but just know that your enjoyment of that movie and Drew Barrymore had serious repercussions. Though she's been connected all her life and thus was able to land supporting roles in high-publicity movies (Batman Forever, Scream), Hollywood executives didn't believe she had any real individual box-office clout until the modest overperformance of "Ever After". Suddenly she's in every girl movie ever made (Home Fries, Never Been Kissed, Charlie's Angels, Duplex, 50 First Dates, the other Charlie's Angels movie, and on and on) and being thrust in my face everywhere, on TV, magazines.

Now I didn't watch any of those movies (except 45 minutes of Charlie's Angels and about 4 minutes of Duplex - "What is this movie? Duplex? What's Duplex?") but those roles COULD have gone to someone hot! Why not Kate Beckinsale? SHE should be on more magazine covers! Why all this discrimination against hot actresses? I also dislike this whole "girl-next-door" label. That should refer to the girl you WISH lived next door, not some mediocre and untalented girl who actually could plausibly live next door.

Entry No. 101

I had written quite a while ago that I was worried I would watch the obviously shitty "Good Luck, Chuck" just because Jessica Alba is so hot. Well, it turns out LionsGate studio got the message, because they've totally redone the advertising, which Rich and I saw before "Superbad". Whereas the old advertisements centered around Dane Cook and the actual plot of the movie, the new ads are basically just a sequence of shots of Jessica Alba, almost completely eliminating 1) the plot and 2) any reference to Dane Cook. Guess ol' Dane Cook didn't do too well in focus group testing.


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Many Thanks

To everyone who has clicked on the banner ad on the right side of the blog, I say "thank you". My revenue is all the way up to $0.79.

Soon I will be like Scrooge from Ducktales, swimming through my pool of gold coins.

I Got Served

The e-mail server went down today at work, which meant I had to call this third-party IT manager to get our system back up and running.
--------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is Lisa. How may I help you today?"
"Hey Lisa, my name is Eric Ma, I work for blah blah blah. Our system is down, we can't send any e-mails."
"Okay, I'll be happy to help fix the problem Mr. Ma."
"Great."
"What is the unit?"
"What?"
"What is the unit?"
"What?"
[Pause]
"Sir, in order to process this claim, I will need the unit."
"What - what is a unit?"
"Sir, what is the problem you are experiencing?"
"The server is down, I can't send any e-mails."
"Okay, I'm forwarding your request to a technician."
"Okay."
[Pause]
"I just need one thing before I forward this on - what is the unit?"
"What?"
"Sir, the technician will need to know the unit before he can process the ticket."
"I don't think I know what a unit is - what is a unit?"
[Pause]
"Please hold while I transfer you."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is James, customer service - how may I help you?"
"Hey James, our e-mail server is down."
"Okay, we'll get to work on that right now."
"Thanks - do you need the unit?"
"What?"
---------------------------------------------------------
Nothing was embellished here. Word for word. Except "James". It sounded like he said "Thames", but that's just not a name.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Miscellaneous Monday

I have a lot of half-written blog entries, based on ideas that I initially think merit a full entry. Then I make one joke and realize I really have nothing else to say. Since today is a slow day inside my brain, let's just clean up all my half-ass entries and a few other spare thoughts.
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I absolutely love this whole Senator Larry Craig story, I find everything about it completely hilarious. Especially his claim that he adopted a "wide stance" and "leaned forward" because he was having what the Mexicans call "problemas" on the toilet. In college, Rich once told me that in fact one should do exactly the opposite when faced with such "problemas". I asked him how he knew this, and he said he had a friend who "knows about these sorts of things". I always wondered who this was.

Some people were surprised a conservative anti-gay senator would try to have sex with other dudes in a public restroom, but ever since Chris Kattan announced his engagement (to a woman!) I've come to accept that anything is possible.
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Why is it an outrage than Apple dropped the iPhone price by $200? If I make something, I should be able to sell it for whatever I damn well please. And I should be able to change my mind on that whenever I damn well please. If you agreed to buy the iPhone at $599, that meant you wanted the iPhone more than you wanted 599 dollars. You experienced what economists call "consumer surplus". Apple gave you a fair deal. You know how I know it's fair? Because you bought it, that's why. If it were "overpriced", you wouldn't have gotten one. Whether other people get it months later for less has no bearing on the fairness of the original economic trade.

People need to shut up. Apple shouldn't have to give anyone anything. They already did those people a favor. They gave them a product they would have paid more than $599 for, but only asked for $599 back. But as usual, whiny bitches get rewarded.
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I find mayonnaise really gross, but if you add some food coloring and call it aioli or "special sauce", then it's all good.
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If you like tennis, I can instantly name about 42 states I am 100% sure you do not live in. Roger Federer just won the U.S. Open, concluding a tournament with the best U.S. Open total attendance in history. And the highlights struggled to even crack the first 30 minutes of that night's SportsCenter. SportsCenter would rather air "Fact or Fiction: Stuart Scott has no friends" than show tennis highlights. Unless you live or are from a coast (and not like, the Gulf Coast), nobody, and I mean nobody, cares at all about tennis. What a shame. Oh, and in case you're curious, that is a FACT, Stuart Scott does not have any friends.
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Beef is so absurdly delicious, I got to wondering how much they would have to charge for beef for me to stop eating beef. $20 a pound, I'm definitely still eating beef. $30? $40? Even at $100 a pound, I think I would still at least occasionally have some beef, like to celebrate a special occasion. It's just too damn good. What is your beef price point? I can't decide what mine is.

How could a non-religious person be a vegetarian? It boggles the mind. Once my cousin Bryce randomly decided to become a vegetarian, ostensibly for health reasons. I didn't see him for a few years, and when we met again he was no longer a vegetarian, he said he missed beef too much. In related news, Bryce also had long hair during this phase. His family refuses to display pictures of him from this time period, which makes sense to me, if the reason is the vegetarian thing.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Fan Club T-Shirt

Vish has taken the liberty of designing various fan club t-shirts to help spark interest in the official fan club. I'll be unveiling his awesome designs sporadically. Here's numero uno, note the centerpiece of the design, a wrecked Honda Civic. I've never wrecked a Honda Civic before, but that doesn't make the shirt less freaking cool.

All the Kool Kids will be wearing this, like, all the time, so try to avoid being humiliated as the only kid not to have one. Like when I was a kid and I never saw Jurassic Park and didn't really know what people were talking about and would just say things like "yeah, dinosaurs" to cover up my lack of understanding. Humiliating.

Remember, one year of membership in the Official Eric Ma Kool Kids Fan Club is only $37.95! This special deal won't last forever!

Friday, September 7, 2007

The Way to Happiness

Recently, I was alerted to something called "The Way To Happiness". Some foundation in charge of "The Way To Happiness" has been producing and airing a bunch of commercials with curiously bland messages, like "Be Competent" and "Fulfill Your Obligations" and my personal favorite inspiring PSA, "Support a Government Designed and Run for All the People". Really.

I learned that "The Way to Happiness" is a 21-precept moral code. Here are all 21 principles: (1) Take care of yourself (2) Be temperate (3) Don't be promiscuous (4) Love and help children (5) Honor and help your parents (6) Set a good example (7) Seek to live with the truth (8) Do not murder (9) Don't do anything illegal (10) Support the government designed and run for all the people (11) Do not harm a person of good will (12) Safeguard and improve your environment (13) Do not steal (14) Be worthy of trust (15) Fulfill your obligations (16) Be industrious (17) Be competent (18) Respect the religious beliefs of others (19) Try not to do things to others that you would not want them to do to you (20) Try to treat others as you would want to be treated (21) Flourish and prosper.

Did you get all that? If I were to write up a list for what it would take to be a "good Asian kid", this is almost exactly the list. I was so freaked out while reading through the 21 points I assumed this must have been written by the Chinese newspaper or something. It's literally only missing Precept #22 - Be a doctor.

So naturally I checked to see who wrote it, and to my surprise, this was not written by my mom. Turns out this is a pamphlet written in 1981 by L. Ron Hubbard, and is very widely distributed by none other than the societally-maligned Scientologists. According to Wikipedia, "The Way to Happiness" is meant to be a bridge between broad society and the Church of Scientology.

So in conclusion, what I learned today was that when Scientologists intersect with mainstream society, the results are Asian parents. Fascinating. I leave you with an inspiring PSA from The Way to Happiness Foundation. Fulfill your obligations!


Sprint Watched You As A Child

Check out this new-ish Sprint commercial. I saw this before the last couple movies I've seen, and on TV a few other times.



I find this commercial stylish, creative and mind-blowingly stupid. What did you dream of as a child? Space travel? Time travel? Or MAYBE you dreamed of a cell phone with photo and music capabilities, you borderline retarded and bizarre child!

What the hell? I don't know what kind of psychotic childhoods the people at Sprint had, but I most certainly was not dreaming of cell phones with photo and music capabilities when I went to sleep. I mostly dreamt of being a basketball star, or flying, or Corn Pops.

The most insulting thing about this is that the narrator changes tense and perspective, suddenly going from asking me questions to knowing me as a child. Creepy. "That was your dream" he says, after expounding on various cell phone capabilities. "And with the magic of Sprint, it all came true." What a comforting thought. I did not become an astronaut. I failed to travel in time. But thanks to Sprint, my childhood dreams have been realized. Thanks Sprint, you're the bestest!

I'm unclear on why they even went this route with the ad, which attempts (badly) to connect Sprint cell phone service with childhood nostalgia. Childhood nostalgia is for like Oreo cookie commercials. Cell phones with streaming content are what non-morons call "technology". You should either show the features (iphone, Music Hunter) or show tech-savvy-not-but-absurdly-dorky people involved with the product (Verizon guy, Cingular Asian guy during NCAA tournaments).

I'm done ranting about this. I'm really not, but everything else I want to say is just some variation of something I've already said, so it's time to stop. Sprint sucks.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Fatties and Fan Clubs, Revisited

Some quick follow-up to recent entries:

Celebrity Fan Clubs: Judging from the lack of responses, I take it that no one was ever in an official celebrity or band fan club as a child. Well, today is your lucky day, because I've decided to remedy your obviously pathetically lacking childhoods. For only $37.95, you can get an annual membership to the "Official Eric Ma Kool Kids Fan Club". Your membership will include:

(1) The official "Official Eric Ma Kool Kids Fan Club T-Shirt". I'm working on the design, but rest assured, it will be official.
(2) VIP access to all Kool Kids events, where you can meet other Kool Kids!
(3) VIP preferred seating at my "Learn To Be An Investment Banker" Workshop. "Kool Kids" get to sit in the front row. Because that's where the kool kids sit.
(4) My digits.

Membership is limited, so join today - this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to fill a gaping hole in your youth. Don't let the opportunity pass you by.

-
Seems like a lot of people aren't too enamored with fatties. I left out my biggest pet peeve with fat people, which anyone who works in an office building should agree with. Nothing is more irritating when you're in the office than the one-floor elevator move. If you're on the 24th floor and not carrying a large box or wearing heels, getting on the elevator at 24, and getting off at 23 is just plain ridiculous. It's especially absurd for fatties. In my perfect world, fatties wouldn't be allowed to take the elevator. Win-win.

Sara also mentioned to me that she went to the DMV, and the place was filled to the brim with fatties. Even though this was northern California, I've had the same experience every time I've been to the DMV in San Pedro, California. I tried thinking of explanations, and came up with the following:

(1) This is just a coincidence
(2) Sara and I both hang out at "thin people" places, but since everyone drives, you can't avoid fatties at the DMV
(3) Fat people register more cars
(4) Fatties are worse drivers, and have more things to handle at the DMV, such as repeated driving exams
(5) There are a lot of thin people at the DMV, but fat people just obstruct them from view

I'm not entirely satisfied with any of these explanations. It may of course be some combination of all of them, or I might be missing something entirely. I am convinced, however, that it's not just a coincidence, it happens to me every single time.