So here's the situation: I booked an exit row seat on a JetBlue flight from DC to Boston. One of the things I love about JetBlue is the personal television - quite simply, I love television, and by the transitive property, I love JetBlue. But choosing an exit row seat is always a dicey proposition - I'm a fairly tall guy, so it really helps to have the extra leg room, but at the same time, fatties always make sure to get an exit row seat for the same reasons. So taking the exit row seat comes fraught with the risk of fatties surrounding me.Some of my friends, whose names I will leave out, definitively hate fat people. And I do mean hate. If they could, they would establish a Michael Vick-like underground world where they forced fat people to fight to the death and anyone who refused would be drowned in Crisco. The crazy thing is, I'm only barely exaggerating. I like to think I try my best to be a tolerant person. I'm not the greatest, but I really do try to understand everyone's individual situation. But that being said, there's few creatures I dislike more than the airplane fattie.
I walk down the aisle...12A is my seat...12A...and there in 12B is a man who I would describe to the police thusly:
Height: 5'11"Weight: 365 lbs
Body Fat: 47%. Or whatever "a whole lot" is in percentage terms.
Smell: Something less than spectacular. It's interesting that I like eating Cheetos, yet am repulsed by someone who smells like Cheetos.
If you used to watch "Boy Meets World", this guy looked just like Frankie, except WAY bigger. I couldn't help but stare in rapt fascination and fear. How could a man be so fat? What could he possibly eat to be this size? Did he eat other people? I mean, even then...
His pounds of blubber oozed out of the helplessly tiny seat, completely enveloping our shared armrest. I would literally have had to dig my hand into his lumpy flesh to get my headphones into the jack. And even then, I wouldn't be able to change the channel. And it's not like I could simply ask him to lean to the side - he would have to completely get up. I considered what one channel I would watch if I asked him to get up. Would I choose ESPN? Is that too cliche?
As this behemoth shamelessly took up half of my space, I realized that he exerted so much pressure on my armrest that he might break my headphones if I put them in the jack. I decided the safest move was just to listen to music and read, two options dramatically inferior to 36 in-flight channels. Then, without a shred of self-awareness, the fattie plugs in his own headset and starts watching "Wall Street". The film's thematic disdain for excess appeared to be lost on his fat ass.Fatties should have to pay for two airline seats; I don't even understand the arguments to the contrary. It's not some inviolable right that we all pay the same price for everything. If a fattie wants to eat double what I eat for lunch, he buys two lunches and pays double. So when the fattie wants to use up twice the airline space, he should pay for two seats.
This kind of pricing rule would benefit everyone in the long run. Regular passengers would have a better flight experience and fatties would have a measurable financial incentive to drop weight. Effectively, you are already taxed for being a smoker, you are already taxed for being a drinker. The airline rule would essentially be a fattie tax, and we'd all be better off as a result.
Yet another thing that would be different if I ruled the world.
15 comments:
They could also lift the armrest and sit right in the middle of the two seats so they'd be more comfortable.
I always request exit row seats as I feel the odds of sitting next to a fat guy are going to be pretty much the same wherever I sit. The only difference in the exit row is that he'll be a fat guy who speaks English.
I haven't had any issues the last couple trips, but I did sit next to a Sickie McSickie. They're arguably worse because you'll be miserable for the next few days instead of the couple hours on the plane. They should be forced to breathe through the oxygen mask for the entire length of the plane ride.
Lifting the armrest would have meant a lot more contact between us - at least the armrest sort of helped provide a "dam".
As for the oxygen mask - does that actually do anything, like does oxygen really "flow to the mask", or is it just a placebo intended to keep us all more calm?
Most, if not all, airlines actually have policies dictating that overweight people are required to purchase two adjacent seats. I think the problem is implementation. I imagine it's embarrassing for both the passengers and the airlines to deal with.
Fat Dude: I'd like to purchase two adjacent seats.
Delta: Ok, sir. Your name?
Fat Dude: Charlie Weis.
Delta: And the name of the person accompanying you?
Fat Dude: It's just me.
Delta: I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand. Why do you want two tickets?
Fat Dude: I'm morbidly obese.
Delta: Ohhh...you're one of those...
Not pleasant on either end. Probably not fun for flight attendants to deal with either, though they're supposed to move either you or Fatty McFatty if you complain, and the flight's not sold out. Of course if you complain, you feel like a douche.
Maybe airports should be like amusement parks. Each gate can have a wooden man with his hands out in front him, a couple feet apart, with a sign that says "Must Be This Thin To Ride." I have a sneaking suspicion this wouldn't go over well.
How about a revolving gate that makes you pay more if you get stuck? "Please insert credit card and gate will expand to meet your needs"
On a different note. Back on the Michael Vick story, here's an article talking about how there's wayyyy too much coverage. Leonard Little killed someone while driving drunk and didn't get anywhere near this amount of coverage.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=hill/070827
I don't want to burn too much more energy on Michael Vick, but I just want to say that the press coverage is indeed wildly out of control (one column even called him this decade's OJ Simpson). Stephon Marbury halfheartedly came to Vick's defense, and even THAT became a national story. Why on earth would you care about what Stephon Marbury has to say about any of this?
Vick has done wrong, appears to lack a soul, and should go to jail - there's just not that much more to the story right now.
This is all primarily due to the surplus of sports coverage, especially during August, a month when not much is happening in the sports world. Every February and August it's the same crap. Some non-story gets trumpeted endlessly, eventually allowing other columnists/talking heads to write a story about how much a non-story this is.
And if you read espn.com every day, and watch Sportscenter every day and watch Around the Horn and PTI all the time - you start to become enveloped in this world of the media's own creation. I don't even really blame ESPN - they have to make money, they have to cover something, and they have to make it seem important.
But I don't have to watch.
Hahahahahha Charlie Weis
you made me stop using the word "fatty" whenever i talked to you in college because you hated it that much, and here it is, part of a blog title. does this mean i can use the word once again?
when fuel costs started soaring a couple years ago, didn't airlines entertain the thought of charging obese people more for their tickets? i don't think it went over too well with the public (since the majority of them are fat and all). but i agree, big people should pay more, not so much because of the space they take up (i've never personally had that problem) but because i'm subsidizing the cost of their flight as it is.
I hate fat people and people who claim that you should love your body for what it is and embrace your shape. Embrace your fucking heart disease you cows. Poor health is nothing to be proud of. Even if you have a "positive self-image." I have a positive self-image because I go to the gym 5 times a week and work at it. Fat people are just lazy. Instead of working towards a goal they're basically saying "fuck it lets just NOT work and then say we're proud of being lazy." If you handed in a half assed report at your job would this fly? Could you get away with saying I don't want to do this and I'm proud of that. NO! So quit saying being lazy is something to be proud of and get your fat ass in the fucking gym and WORK!
Vish, you used "fatty" in a very different context.
Brian, you may notice, is one of my friends who would forcibly drown fat people in Crisco.
i wholeheartedly support the fattie tax!
so does this mean i cant bring it back?
and i agree with brian's post. reading it almost felt like i wrote it. except for the i go to the gym 5 times/week line. but the anger. i like it.
I think having "Fat Airlines" would solve the embarrassment factor for Mike's suggestion. They can have their own super-sized terminal and planes, and it's understood you are buying 2 seats. (Although they'd probably just make a whole plane of 1st Class seats.) Plus, when I have a kid who is starting to get fat and won't exercise, maybe the airline will sell fares to parents so they can freak out their kids by taking them on a fatty trip. We would, ironically, probably have to share a seat.
Vish, I would prefer if you didn't. How often do you go to the gym?
Julius, so would fat people not be allowed to fly on United or Delta? Could they only fly on Fat Airlines?
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