This is Part Two of "The Panel of Genius", an expert panel (Ali, Justin, Leo, Vish and Winston) assembled to opine on random sports-related questions thrown their way. If you missed Part One, catch up here.
What is the worst sports-related show on television - you can't say "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith"?
What is the worst sports-related show on television - you can't say "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith"?Leo: It has to be "Cold Pizza", right? I mean, I can live with outrageous statements (Stephen A.). I can live with heated debates over dead horses (Bonds). But what I can't live with is Skip Bayless who is like a white man's Ralph Wiley.
Winston: The ESPN Fantasy Football Draft special was pretty awful. I didn't see the whole thing but Rex Grossman was drafted. MMA that isn't on Spike can be pretty bad too. A bunch of guys hugging for 30 minutes.
Ali: Do "extreme" sports count? I would have to say that show on MTV called ["Scarred"] or something to that effect. Or the WNBA. (ed.note: Ali for some reason thought this show was called "Scrapped", hence the brackets.)
Justin: "Best Damn Sports Show Period". To be fair, I have never really sat down and watched this show. The crappy production and the presence of John Salley makes me change the channel to Fresno, CA vs. India.
Vish: Including "Quite Frankly" in my thought process, I was about to give this to my first reaction, the "Best Damn Sports Show Period". But the worst show has to be that countdown show on Fox Sports Net. I can't even think of the name, but they interview random C-list celebrities and ask them their opinion on sports and ask them to rank who the best all-time college football team is...hate that crap.
If taking a ridiculous amount of steroids guaranteed you a Major League Baseball roster spot, would you do it?
Vish: Yes...definitely. League minimum is $380,000. I'm not going to make that any time soon, if ever, in my line of work, so yes, I'd do it. I'm a smart guy, I'll be able to make something of myself after my playing days are over. And I'll have some money saved up to live a nice life. We cant all be i-bankers like Mr. Ma over here to make good money. You gotta do what you gotta do.
Ali: Since I am part of the camp that doesn't believe everyone is on steroids, unlike yourself haha, I am going to say no.
Justin: What, exactly, is a "ridiculous" amount of steroids? Do I die tomorrow? In a year? Just go sterile and grow boobs? Oh, screw it. Yes, yes I would.
Winston: Depends on what size my breasts are already. I would say no. Football or basketball maybe, since that would actually be fun.
Leo: In particular order, but the best 5 reasons I could think of for each:
Benefits of being a pro baseball player: (1) presumably fun job (outfield looks boring as shit) (2) having fans (3) being rich (4) pulling lots of 'gina (5) generally being well fed and well treated
Negatives of being a pro baseball player: (1) being out of work by age 40 and having few if any other skills in life to offer the world (2) travel (3) putting myself up for judgment by fans (having low self esteem when I get booed) (4) getting hit by pitches (5) probably getting injured 6-10 times in my career
Negatives of being a steroid user: (1) acne (2) testicular abnormalities (3) getting caught and/or being accused of being a cheater (4) injections (5) possibly decreasing the quality of my offspring
Benefits of being a steroid user: (1) becoming a baseball player (2) big guns (3) fitting in (not having to awkwardly say things like "that's not my scene" in the locker room when Sheffield passes me the needle) (4) knowing I don't have to work out as much as the next guy (5) needle welding skills, thus having one more skill to offer the world after I retire.
Honestly though, I mainly fear the long-term physical consequences and possibly the shame/criminal charges of being caught. Beyond that though, it's a no-brainer. Being a professional athlete would be amazing. Stick me and put me in coach.
Finally, everyone, what's the best kind of pro athlete to be and why?
Winston: Basketball or baseball since they'll still have their heads intact at the end of their careers but the pay is still good. Basketball wins because the baseball season is so long (and boring).
Vish: Golf. You play when you want to, you make good money, and it's not nearly as physically intense as any other sport. Football and hockey look painful, there's a lot of contact in basketball, and baseball is too long of a season. But golf. Yeah. That seems like a good sport for a lazy ass like myself.
Ali: In America I would say the NBA, any other country, save Canada, I say soccer. I choose the NBA over MLB for obvious reasons, sorry Vish, and NBA over NFL because I would like the ability to use all my limbs and remember my childhood when I get older, something which is definitely not guaranteed in the NFL. All the reasons I attached to basketball apply to soccer in every other country, I guess the main competition might be hockey which has the same injury risk factor as the NFL.
Leo: This is a tough question and I think what makes this question so tough is that many sports like baseball and football are so specialized by position. The differences between being a lineman a quarterback and a punter are so immense that it's not really fair to speak about football in general (as a side note, my friends and I decided that an NFL punter is the best job in sports (utility maximization) and that it would be exceedingly easy to train a young child into become a great punter and thus a professional athlete). Regardless, I wouldn't choose one of the big three (football, basketball and baseball), mainly because despite the bigger payoff (women, fame, riches), they all come with a much bigger price (injuries, shorter careers). In fact, I'm not sure I'd want to be a professional football player at all (except punter) even I could be one. Assuming we're talking an average "pro athlete" the average career of football player is so short that I think in the long run, being a true professional (doctor, lawyer, professional paper pusher like yourself Eric) would actually work out better financially. But you would get laid more as an athlete.
I think my choice would be golf. As an average golf player you remain relatively anonymous (fame probably ranking the lowest on my priority list) and you make surprisingly good money (you make like 10 Gs for just showing up to a U.S. Open). Moreover, you rarely get injured and can generally practice without breaking too much of a sweat. It's social, but independent, and if you really get the itchin' to win a few tournaments, you can always pull a Hale Irwin and join the senior tour at a relatively young age and clean up. The downside is probably the women. I know this sounds stupid, trivial, and sophomoric, but its a core part of the athlete/rock star fantasy. Obviously you want attention, but really you want the attention from nubile 20-35 year old females (nubile - what a great word). But think about the answer to this: does Justin Leonard get laid as much as Jason Varitek? Of course- they are both married and I'm sure they both have hot wives.
Justin: A baseball closer. You are highly paid, with guaranteed contracts and a powerful player union, to come in 2-3 times a week to throw one inning each time with your team ahead. Most of the time, you just jog around in practice (because you're a pitcher), shag a few fly balls, and read Maxim in the dugout. You can be fat and no one cares as long as you have two good pitches. Your conditioning can be fairly average, as long as you can make it from the bullpen to the mound without collapsing. Winded after throwing a few pitches? Take your time, walk off the mound, catch your breath. One might argue that there is a lot of "mental stress" involved here, but come on - you can give up runs most of the time and no one even cares, as long as you get three outs before losing the game.
A close second is probably "high school basketball phenom entering the NBA draft as a sure lottery pick." Even if you suck, you will get 2 more guaranteed contracts after your rookie contract runs out from teams who are blinded by your potential. Kudos if you can show occasional flashes of brilliance. Exhibit A: Kwame Brown.
Also, neither a closer nor an NBA player stands the risk of dying and losing all future earnings potential like an NFL player. Or, dying and no one noticing, like an NHL player.
Thank you, Panel of Genius. This feature will recur every two months on "Things I Type" - if you're interested in becoming a member of the Panel of Genius, please let me know. The only criteria is that you have to be a genius. If any non-sports fans have made it all the way down here, I'm also toying with the idea of establishing separate Panels of Genius for other topics, such as celebrity talk or food. If that is of interest to you, please also let me know. Again, remember, the necessary qualifications (no exceptions) are that you are a genius.
Ali: Do "extreme" sports count? I would have to say that show on MTV called ["Scarred"] or something to that effect. Or the WNBA. (ed.note: Ali for some reason thought this show was called "Scrapped", hence the brackets.)
Justin: "Best Damn Sports Show Period". To be fair, I have never really sat down and watched this show. The crappy production and the presence of John Salley makes me change the channel to Fresno, CA vs. India.
Vish: Including "Quite Frankly" in my thought process, I was about to give this to my first reaction, the "Best Damn Sports Show Period". But the worst show has to be that countdown show on Fox Sports Net. I can't even think of the name, but they interview random C-list celebrities and ask them their opinion on sports and ask them to rank who the best all-time college football team is...hate that crap.
If taking a ridiculous amount of steroids guaranteed you a Major League Baseball roster spot, would you do it?
Vish: Yes...definitely. League minimum is $380,000. I'm not going to make that any time soon, if ever, in my line of work, so yes, I'd do it. I'm a smart guy, I'll be able to make something of myself after my playing days are over. And I'll have some money saved up to live a nice life. We cant all be i-bankers like Mr. Ma over here to make good money. You gotta do what you gotta do.Ali: Since I am part of the camp that doesn't believe everyone is on steroids, unlike yourself haha, I am going to say no.
Justin: What, exactly, is a "ridiculous" amount of steroids? Do I die tomorrow? In a year? Just go sterile and grow boobs? Oh, screw it. Yes, yes I would.
Winston: Depends on what size my breasts are already. I would say no. Football or basketball maybe, since that would actually be fun.
Leo: In particular order, but the best 5 reasons I could think of for each:
Benefits of being a pro baseball player: (1) presumably fun job (outfield looks boring as shit) (2) having fans (3) being rich (4) pulling lots of 'gina (5) generally being well fed and well treated
Negatives of being a pro baseball player: (1) being out of work by age 40 and having few if any other skills in life to offer the world (2) travel (3) putting myself up for judgment by fans (having low self esteem when I get booed) (4) getting hit by pitches (5) probably getting injured 6-10 times in my career
Negatives of being a steroid user: (1) acne (2) testicular abnormalities (3) getting caught and/or being accused of being a cheater (4) injections (5) possibly decreasing the quality of my offspring
Benefits of being a steroid user: (1) becoming a baseball player (2) big guns (3) fitting in (not having to awkwardly say things like "that's not my scene" in the locker room when Sheffield passes me the needle) (4) knowing I don't have to work out as much as the next guy (5) needle welding skills, thus having one more skill to offer the world after I retire.
Honestly though, I mainly fear the long-term physical consequences and possibly the shame/criminal charges of being caught. Beyond that though, it's a no-brainer. Being a professional athlete would be amazing. Stick me and put me in coach.
Finally, everyone, what's the best kind of pro athlete to be and why?Winston: Basketball or baseball since they'll still have their heads intact at the end of their careers but the pay is still good. Basketball wins because the baseball season is so long (and boring).
Vish: Golf. You play when you want to, you make good money, and it's not nearly as physically intense as any other sport. Football and hockey look painful, there's a lot of contact in basketball, and baseball is too long of a season. But golf. Yeah. That seems like a good sport for a lazy ass like myself.
Ali: In America I would say the NBA, any other country, save Canada, I say soccer. I choose the NBA over MLB for obvious reasons, sorry Vish, and NBA over NFL because I would like the ability to use all my limbs and remember my childhood when I get older, something which is definitely not guaranteed in the NFL. All the reasons I attached to basketball apply to soccer in every other country, I guess the main competition might be hockey which has the same injury risk factor as the NFL.
Leo: This is a tough question and I think what makes this question so tough is that many sports like baseball and football are so specialized by position. The differences between being a lineman a quarterback and a punter are so immense that it's not really fair to speak about football in general (as a side note, my friends and I decided that an NFL punter is the best job in sports (utility maximization) and that it would be exceedingly easy to train a young child into become a great punter and thus a professional athlete). Regardless, I wouldn't choose one of the big three (football, basketball and baseball), mainly because despite the bigger payoff (women, fame, riches), they all come with a much bigger price (injuries, shorter careers). In fact, I'm not sure I'd want to be a professional football player at all (except punter) even I could be one. Assuming we're talking an average "pro athlete" the average career of football player is so short that I think in the long run, being a true professional (doctor, lawyer, professional paper pusher like yourself Eric) would actually work out better financially. But you would get laid more as an athlete.
I think my choice would be golf. As an average golf player you remain relatively anonymous (fame probably ranking the lowest on my priority list) and you make surprisingly good money (you make like 10 Gs for just showing up to a U.S. Open). Moreover, you rarely get injured and can generally practice without breaking too much of a sweat. It's social, but independent, and if you really get the itchin' to win a few tournaments, you can always pull a Hale Irwin and join the senior tour at a relatively young age and clean up. The downside is probably the women. I know this sounds stupid, trivial, and sophomoric, but its a core part of the athlete/rock star fantasy. Obviously you want attention, but really you want the attention from nubile 20-35 year old females (nubile - what a great word). But think about the answer to this: does Justin Leonard get laid as much as Jason Varitek? Of course- they are both married and I'm sure they both have hot wives.Justin: A baseball closer. You are highly paid, with guaranteed contracts and a powerful player union, to come in 2-3 times a week to throw one inning each time with your team ahead. Most of the time, you just jog around in practice (because you're a pitcher), shag a few fly balls, and read Maxim in the dugout. You can be fat and no one cares as long as you have two good pitches. Your conditioning can be fairly average, as long as you can make it from the bullpen to the mound without collapsing. Winded after throwing a few pitches? Take your time, walk off the mound, catch your breath. One might argue that there is a lot of "mental stress" involved here, but come on - you can give up runs most of the time and no one even cares, as long as you get three outs before losing the game.
A close second is probably "high school basketball phenom entering the NBA draft as a sure lottery pick." Even if you suck, you will get 2 more guaranteed contracts after your rookie contract runs out from teams who are blinded by your potential. Kudos if you can show occasional flashes of brilliance. Exhibit A: Kwame Brown.
Also, neither a closer nor an NBA player stands the risk of dying and losing all future earnings potential like an NFL player. Or, dying and no one noticing, like an NHL player.
Thank you, Panel of Genius. This feature will recur every two months on "Things I Type" - if you're interested in becoming a member of the Panel of Genius, please let me know. The only criteria is that you have to be a genius. If any non-sports fans have made it all the way down here, I'm also toying with the idea of establishing separate Panels of Genius for other topics, such as celebrity talk or food. If that is of interest to you, please also let me know. Again, remember, the necessary qualifications (no exceptions) are that you are a genius.
8 comments:
i dont see why basketball is an obvious choice over baseball. basketball may be more fun for certain people, and baseball probably is for others. to say its obvious that one sport is favored over another and assume thats a given standard is kinda wack.
also in the list of negatives about playing baseball, if youre juicing, you wont even notice when you get hit by a pitch.
the show i was talking about was "the sports list" on fox sports net, it was hosted by summer sanders. some of the guests included michael chiklis, dave coulier, and michael ian black. they ranked topics such as most memorable all star game plays of all time, the craziest athletes, best athletes without a ring, sexiest athletes, and the greatest flukes of all time.
amazingly, wikipedia says the show only was on the air from august 1, 2004 - sept 7 2004. i see that show like 3 times a day in reruns
My apologies Vish. The for the obvious reasons was referred to you and anyone else that I has had this conversation with me before. It was not meant as a slight to anyone who plays baseball. Go Halos.
eric, please have a pop culture/celebrity/trivial life information panel of genius! that would be great :)
i want a food panel
i hate baseball, yet i finished reading the most recent 2 entries. i must admit that your panel is very entertaining and informative.
i feel like your readers want more panel of genius and less eric ma
that sounds about right
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