I Live On Another Planet

So, raise your hand (or leave a comment) if you're familiar with the sweeping sensation that is the "Pirates vs. Ninjas" debate. Because I apparently do not live on Planet Earth, and I had never heard of such a thing. This would not be the first time major situations escaped my watchful notice.

I had noticed that since the "Real Ultimate Ninja" thing someone showed me in college once that ninjas seemed to be more prevalent in popular culture. I've briefly seen that "Ask a Ninja" thing on YouTube, and there's that absurd restaurant in New York where you spend too much money to get served sushi from guys dressed like ninjas. And, apparently, people keep watching "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequels even though you know they're going to suck. So my awareness of pirates was, I suppose, also slightly elevated.

A few days ago, I got another Facebook application invite. Before I get to what it is, I need to digress for a little bit. If you have like more than 6 Facebook applications, you seriously need to think about cutting back on that. Considering that I sit around writing blog entries about "D2: The Mighty Ducks", I ordinarily wouldn't judge what you do with your life. But if you're 25 years old, and you think a good way to spend your free time is to send your friends messages saying that you threw a piece of pizza at them in a fake internet food fight, I would suggest re-evaluating things. I mean, even if you threw a piece of pizza at your friend in real life, it would be dicey and hard for people to accept at your age. What are you doing, wasting good food like that? Or imagine if people still used the telephone, and you called your friend and said, "I have turned you into a zombie." If you're really that bored, you could try reading. They still make books, you know.

Anyways, the application invite I got from Jessie was to join the Ninjas side in the ongoing "Pirates vs. Ninjas" battle. Not being from Planet Earth, I thought to myself, "What the hell is this?" and chalked it up to Jessie having an absurdly slow work day. But when I mentioned it to Ali, I quickly learned that I was living under a rock, as he began explaining how important this debate is to some people (not including himself).

Although I'm late to the game here, I'd be remiss if I used up this many words without offering a personal opinion. It is an awfully capitalist world we live in. Pirates have treasure and gold coins. In a physical fight, they would win because they would be able to buy additional mercenaries to fight. In the metaphorical fight for success in the capitalist world, well, pirates, easily. So sorry Jessie, I couldn't add myself to the Ninjas application on Facebook.

In case you're wondering, I've decided to make this another first-round matchup in the "Who's NOW?" tournament. There's a new poll on the side of the blog. If you're thinking, "Wait a minute, does that mean in the second round it will be your mom versus pirates? That doesn't make any sense at all!" - well, fair point. I haven't really thought this all through.

Quick Item On Michael Vick

I'm going to say everything I have to say on the outrage over Michael Vick and the alleged dogfighting pretty quickly. First, I think dogfighting is awfully cruel, I would never do it myself, and I would hate for my future children to be in any way involved with it. Second - what is worse to you - beating up your spouse, or arranging a dogfight at your house? What is worse, getting a DUI after driving 100 mph on the highway after 7 drinks, or arranging a dogfight at your house? If you follow sports at all (and athletes off-the-field incidents), you know exactly what I'm getting at.

If your answer to either of those questions is the dogfight, we are not thinking on the same plane, and on a relative basis, I place much higher value on human life than you do. That is all I have to say about this topic, I hope it disappears as soon as possible from the press.

Who's NOW - Results

I took the poll off the page because it was causing problems with some people's browsers, but I'm here to report that with a whopping 57% of the vote, my mom has been deemed more "NOW" by you, the voting public. Total number of votes - 19. So really, my mom only won by 3 votes.

Suspending Disbelief: "D2: The Mighty Ducks"

Today, we begin a new semi-recurring feature called "Suspending Disbelief". Here, I will examine movies which require ludicrously unnatural suspension of disbelief from the viewer. This is partially inspired by Min-Taik, whose hatred for the movie "Speed" is unrivaled. (He is extremely bothered by the physical impossibilities in the film, namely, the ability of a bus to make a 90-degree right turn at 50 mph simply by having everyone sit on one side of the bus. He may have a point.)

I begin with one of my favorite films of all-time, "D2: The Mighty Ducks", the famed 1994 sequel to "The Mighty Ducks". I also just saw this movie again at Ali's house, so it's disturbingly fresh in my mind.

A summary to remind the forgetful: Gordan Bombay (Emilio Estevez) coaches the USA in the Junior Goodwill Games. The assembled team of 13-year olds is comprised of a youth rec league team in Minnesota (the original Ducks) and five new ethnic stereotypes. Team USA plays fairly well, but Bombay loses his light-hearted spirit as corporate sponsors pressure him to become Pat Riley. The team loses 12-1 in pool play to Iceland, a bigger, rougher, faster team of 20-year olds coached by Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson (so nicknamed for his tendency to punch out people's teeth), one of the all-time great movie villains. After much goading from a fat fan (Kenan Thompson), the team rediscovers its passion in an intense street hockey game against oddly patriotic black and hispanic guys in South Central L.A. Bombay apologizes to his team for losing sight of sports' real goal (to have fun), and passes along the lesson to Adam Banks, who is stressed about impressing scouts, and playing with an injured wrist. The team, after learning not to counter Iceland's thuggish play with violence of their own, proceeds to band together to beat Iceland in a shootout in the final.

1. Even if there were a Junior Goodwill Games, the odds that the hockey event would command crowds of 15,000 and dominate the sports pages of USA Today (remember these kids are 13 years old) are 1 in 87 billion.
2. Accepting the dubious proposition that Team USA would be predominantly comprised of a local rec league team in Minnesota, it seems unlikely such a team would be a favorite to win. Neither does it make sense that Iceland is a dominant force - Iceland has won exactly zero medals ever in the Winter Olympics. Twenty-three years ago, they did pick up a medal in judo.3. I'm sorry, black people do not play hockey.
4. And if any black people play hockey, they sure as hell don't do it in South Central L.A.
5. Either there are no age restrictions in the "Junior" Goodwill Games, or Iceland breeds the world's largest and oldest-looking 13-year olds in the world.
6. In one of the most blatantly racist sequences in the film, USA plays a HOCKEY TEAM FROM TRINIDAD & TOBAGO.
7. One of the new additions to the team is Olympic figure skater extraordinaire Kenny Wu from San Francisco. This is of course impossible, as Kenny Wu would be busy doing math.
8. About 60 absurdly flagrant penalties are committed in the games, visible to all players and all fans, yet are not whistled. Namely, checking guys without the puck.
9. Despite being from South Central L.A., Kenan Thompson somehow has enough money for front row tickets to every game, where he is close enough to taunt the team's then-only other black guy, the great Jesse Hall. 10. The team changes uniforms before the third period. Well, um, okay.
11. At the end of the third period, Bombay devises a scheme where two players will switch uniforms. I don't know all the rules of hockey, but this feels decidedly less okay.
12. In the opening roller blading sequence, Joshua Jackson causes a construction worker to swallow about a gallon of cement. Thus, realistically, he would be unable to compete in the Goodwill Games, as he would be in juvenile court facing charges of reckless endangerment or potentially manslaughter two.
13. At the end of the film, Estevez proclaims "let's all go home", and they all fly to the same place, despite living in totally different cities.
14. Goldberg, who looks alternately Jewish and Hispanic during the film, somehow deceives a Rodeo Drive saleswoman into believing that he is the nephew of Aaron Spelling.

There's obviously a LOT more, but that's enough of this. I do still love this movie, but it asks for an all-time high in suspension of disbelief.

Ducks fly together.

Liar Liar

So I have this idea for a new game (maybe a board game?) and I wanted to run it by people. So someone tells a story, which starts off as a true story, but ends with a bunch of total lies. Everyone else playing has to guess at what point the story became false. I'm not sure how all the logistics would work, but it seems like it could be fun, especially if you stick to stories that are already hilarious and improbable, but really happened. Like how Rich told me today that he once got into a car accident with a van carrying a full mariachi band, and everyone was wearing their sombreros and mariachi pants and everything. (This did, in fact, happen to Rich). I wonder how much further he could have gone before I started questioning things. For instance, I probably would have believed that one of the guys in the band was a mariachi midget. Or that one of the guys was Japanese. Anyways, does this seem like a good idea for a game? We can always make it into a drinking game if it doesn't seem exciting enough. Sure beats those idiotic "State of the Union" drinking games I was witness to in college.

If you're not into creating any new games, there's always the old reliables. Like Connect Four. I would just like to state for the record that in June, I defeated Joel Hwang in Connect Four in only 8 moves. He was not intoxicated, and he was trying to win. Joel, if you're reading this, I own you.

I could probably do a lengthy post about board games. Perhaps that will come in the future, one can never be too certain of the future.

Things I Wonder

Today, "Things I Type" brings you, "Things I Wonder", where I express my wonderment at a wide range of topics nobody cares about.

Isn't it a wonder that we so rarely have collisions with little children? I mean, they're running around all over the place, with reckless abandon - they bump into furniture, they trip, they get hurt all the time (though they spring back into "reckless abandon mode" quite quickly). Since most little kids are significantly below my line of sight, I often find myself stopping suddenly and going, "Whoa!" as some Carl Lewis-emulating kid whizzes by mere inches away from my knees. Although I myself bruise like a peach in the knee area, my knee in your face is nonetheless not the best of feelings. But I pretty much never have any collisions with little kids, despite a whole host of close calls. I wonder why that is.

I also wonder why when your plane lands, and it is "taxi-ing"/waiting for an available gate, why they can't just tell you how long it's going to be. I took a flight last week from Salt Lake City to Los Angeles, and after landing on time, we waited 85 minutes to actually get off the plane, as our pilot kept "Chinese restaurant-ing" us with "it'll be about 5-10 minutes". A lot of people get really angry with everyone at the airport - I try to be as sympathetic as possible. Almost everyone who works there isn't responsible for things being crappy, it's just a busted system. So I try to see the airline and the airline employee side of things all the time, but here I can't come up with any logical excuses for them. As we waited and waited, people tried to go use the bathroom, but they kept yelling at them to sit down, even though our plane was stationery at times for over 20 minutes. I really don't get it - the airport knows how many planes are coming, and it knows how many gates it has. I understand not always being allowed to go straight to the gate, but wouldn't it be easy (or honestly, mandatory) to know how many planes are in front of a given plane? And then they could just tell you how long you would be waiting, and let 80-year old guys go to the bathroom rather than risking them wetting their pants?

Isn't it a wonder they still make globes? I think Mike was the one who pointed this out to me - who would actually use a globe today? Other than illustrating that Earth is not flat, what exactly is the point of a globe nowadays? As a child I found the fact that they spin to be incredibly fascinating, but I would think modern technology has blown that one out of the water for today's youth.

Hope you've enjoyed this "Things I Wonder" segment. If not, it will never run again. Your voice will be heard, I am a man of the people.

Talking To Myself Some More

Here, I continue my fictionalized conversation with myself about the world of television.

Eric: Hey, Eric. How are things going?
Eric: Not the best, a bird flew into my face Fabio-style today. I have this big bruise on the side of my face and now it hurts to floss.

Eric: The good-looking people never get the breaks, do they?
Eric: No, they really don't.

Eric: Anyways, I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the world of commercials.
Eric: My commercial watching has been down since I got a TiVo, but I can comment historically. I always thought one of the most underrated ads of all time was this Volkswagen ad, which is artistically shot, perfectly timed, and is just plain funny.


My #2 most underrated ad is this Nike "Musical Chairs" interpretation, which works visually far better than I would have imagined had I seen it on paper. I don't know many people who have seen this ad - I wonder if it would have captured the public imagination more with some star power.


Finally, I think that the "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" was one of the most overrated and inexplicably popular ads of all time. I only thought it was marginally funny at the time, and couldn't believe that an entire campaign would be built around it. It would grow to be as tiresome as the "Whassssssup?!?" ads, but at least there, I felt that the original ad was inspired and unique. The Taco Bell ad seems to only be funny if you inherently think Spanish is funny. Like whoever enjoyed "Nacho Libre".


Eric: You don't seem to be all that discriminating with what you watch on TV, much like myself. What is the worst show you've ever seen?
Eric: This is a hard question to answer, because I've only seen the worst shows ever like one time, or in many cases only for 15 or 20 minutes. Oftentimes, a show isn't as preposterously bad as it first appears, just regular-bad. That being said, I have some reasonable guesses at 4 candidates for the "Worst Ever" title. They are all, of course, reality shows and you've likely never heard of any of them (the worst scripted shows is another question entirely, which we can take up in the comments if anyone is interested in my take).

Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People - I can barely even describe this show without laughing. Like hotornot.com meets American Idol. The judging panel (including Lorenzo Lamas) scored you on "face", "body", and "sex appeal". Watch this video, and listen closely as the announcer asks this girl for her "Declaration of Hotness".




Britney and Kevin: Chaotic - I've never seen this show, but people who have are confident that it is the worst thing ever put on television. The "show" was cobbled together almost solely from home video footage shot by Mr. Federline and Ms. Spears themselves, so...yeah. That's gotta be a winner.

Looking For Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska - A bunch of desperate women get sent to glaciers in Alaska to compete in various games (like catching giant fish thrown at them - seriously) to get chances to meet random guys. I've seen the least of this show - only about 10 minutes. It was a sadly memorable 10 minutes.

Mr. Personality - This was a Bachelorette-type dating show. Hosted by MONICA LEWINSKY. Let that sink in for a second. The premise was that a woman would date a bunch of guys, all of whom were wearing masks. So, knowing them only by personality, who would she pick? The show took a turn to crazytown when the men alleged that the guy in the green mask was unfairly using his powers of hypnosis (seriously) to control the mind of the woman. Sadly there are no YouTube clips of this. I really wish you could see this.

Eric: It's been fun talking to you again. We should discuss movies next time.
Eric: Yes, let's! I'm like, super-duper psyched!

Who's NOW - Public Voting

Thanks to an excellent suggestion from Winston, there is now a voting tool on the right which will allow you to voice your own opinion on who is more NOW, my mom or my dad.

The relevant info needed to make your vote is in the longer post below. I am also taking into consideration the suggestion to make public the overall bracket.

Voting closes in 6 days, I personally will be shocked if there are more than 10 votes.

Who's NOW: My Mom or My Dad

In case you don't watch Sportscenter (and these days that's probably a pretty good idea), ESPN has been running this idiotic segment all summer where they arbitrarily compare athletes in different sports and discuss at excruciating length which athlete is more "NOW". The capital letters are from ESPN, not me. Like, who is more "NOW", Tony Parker or Roger Federer? Evidently the winner (although it's more fair to say we're all big losers here) is crowned the "ultimate sports star".

I enjoy these segments so thoroughly that I have decided to perform my own investigation of who is the most "NOW" in my life. The comparisons will be as illogical as ESPN's. I admit right now that this will all make zero sense. I start, today, with a sensible enough battle - my mom versus my dad.

Inquisitive Nature

Today, my dad literally asked me: "Can you believe Jim doesn't know how to do a dieletric sphere made of tetrahedrons?" Okay, so the first problem with this question is that I don't know who Jim is. Suffice it to say that is not the last problem with the question. After responding with "um, what?" my dad proceeded to get all riled up about other engineering things that I rapidly tuned out.

My mom also asks bad questions, but in a totally different way. When I was 16, I was watching something on NBC, and David Schwimmer comes out for one of those "The More You Know" segments and is like "Talk to your kids - they have the answers for you, but you have to ask". My mom then looks at me and asks, "Are you in a gang?" I was speechless for a little while, but decided to go literal - "No mom. I am not in a gang." Fucking David Schwimmer.

Point for: My mom. Her questions are at least, sort of, questions.

Exercise Frequency

My dad plays tennis about once a week and used to run on a treadmill. My mom can walk reasonably long distances if inside Costco.

Point for: My dad.

Greatest Purchase

My dad recently purchased a pair of sunglasses at a 99 cent store, which he couldn't be prouder of. The best thing is that my dad wears regular glasses. He puts the 99 cent glasses on over his normal glasses, thus wearing two pairs of glasses on his face. He can't get over how awesome this all is. (The guy in the picture is not my dad, but I wanted to present the situation visually.)

My mom bought a cable modem.

Point for: My mom.

Telecom Capabilities

My mom is one of those people who will call you at one number, and if you don't pick up the phone, leaves a message saying that she will also try you at your other number. This bugs me to no end, and it's bad voicemails like these that have essentially crippled our modern voicemail system. And Alec Baldwin I guess.

My dad got a cellphone about 2 years ago, and still cannot answer incoming calls. Sometimes I miss his call, and when I try to immediately call back, he never picks up. He has not successfully answered an incoming call in these 2 years.

Point for: This is a tough one, but I'm gonna say my dad. I know that sounds crazy, but my mom also normally can't answer incoming calls, a point I neglected to make above.

Cuisine Enjoyed

My dad likes only shellfish, and detests pretty much all other food. He's not in love with my mom's cooking, but also dislikes eating out. One local restaurant raised its lunch special price by 25 cents, and he called me to say he would never eat there again.

My mom is bananas over the fact that she now eats a preposterously large bowl of oatmeal each morning. She adds flaxseed sometimes, which I think is sort of trendy. The large bowl of morning oatmeal (as well as a diminishing overall appetite) causes her to eat very little at lunch and dinner.

Point for: I'm gonna say this is a draw.

Rollin' on 28s

After getting into a car accident my senior year of high school that ended our 1987 Nissan Stanza, my dad set about buying a car. What he ended up with was the world's last 1986 Nissan Pulsar, a car one grade below the Stanza. (The car pictured is like my dad's car, except it has all its hubcaps and doesn't appear to have a bunch of large dents.) In case you don't know how old I am, this all happened in 2000. My dad continues to drive this thing in 2007, although he fears he will have to junk it soon because it won't be able to pass its next smog test. It really shouldn't have passed the last one, something really shady went down at that Korean garage.

My mom drives your standard Asian mom Toyota Camry. Please don't hit her on the road. She is trying her best.

Point for: I admire my dad's automotive tenacity, but since I'm judging who's more "NOW", this one goes to mom.

So there you have it - my mom is more "NOW", by a score of 3-2-1. She will move on to face the winner of an as-yet-undetermined matchup.

Talking To Myself

I'm running out of format ideas, so for this next entry, I am going to have a fictionalized conversation with myself. What would Eric talk to Eric about? There would be much to discuss, but might as well start with the important stuff: television.

Eric: I'm looking for a new show to watch on DVD - any recommendations?
Eric: How about "NewsRadio", Season 3? To me, the quirky sitcom about a radio station's eccentric owner and staff is television's underappreciated gem of the 1990s. The show was slotted in 11 different time slots, and was perpetually on the brink of cancellation, but I'll remember it for its phenomenal cast, offbeat writing and absurdist sensibilities. The stellar ensemble cast was highlighted by Dave Foley (Kids in the Hall), Maura Tierney (ER), Stephen Root (Milton from "Office Space" - if you've only seen him in wimpy "Dodgeball" roles, you're in for a treat) and of course, the late, great Phil Hartman. In a way, "NewsRadio" was simply ahead of its time. "NewsRadio", with its brisk-paced, absurd, almost out-of-control humor feels much more at home in a world where "Zoolander" and "Anchorman" have broken down some of the barriers between "funny ha-ha" and "funny ridiculous". Season 3 was my favorite season - it's out on DVD with some great commentary, check it out if you can. Here's a clip where the staff discovers a horrible secret about Dave - he's Canadian.


Eric: I've seen "NewsRadio" before - how about something I've never heard of?
Eric: Check out the one and only season of "Undeclared". Before Judd Apatow was producing hit comedies like "40-Year Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up", he was getting unlucky in the sitcom world, putting together great shows that no one watched. He's more famous for "Freaks and Geeks", which is a better show with richer characters, but "Undeclared" is simply funnier, a great take on starting college. Seth Rogen of "Knocked Up" is downright hilarious - here, the guys try to induce a game of truth or dare with the girls.


Eric: Thanks for all this useful information, Eric! Who knew someone so good-looking could also posess so much worthwhile knowledge?
Eric: I surprise myself even.

Eric: I am eating some jambalaya. What else should I know?
Eric: My, that sounds delicious. If you're an Aaron Sorkin fan ("The West Wing", "A Few Good Men"), check out "Sports Night", which is a lot like the ill-fated "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip", if Studio 60 didn't suck. "Sports Night" is like Studio 60, except they run a pseudo-Sportscenter instead of a pseudo-SNL, and more importantly, the show is only 30 minutes, thus forcing Sorkin to pare down his endless preaching and moralizing. Felicity Huffman is good in it, as is the guy from "Six Feet Under". The show was never hysterically funny, but the characters were touching and there was a steady stream of light laughs - I can't post any clips because it won't make any sense, but trust me, if you're a Sorkin fan, you'll like "Sports Night".

Eric: Well thanks for all the TV advice. We'll talk again soon.
Eric: Yes, let's. I'm hungry. Jam-ba-la-ya!

Positive Thoughts

The blog has been a little downbeat lately - so in an effort to fulfill the self-proclamation that this won't be a "this is why everything sucks" blog, here's a few things I enjoy and recommend.

For Reading: For several years now, Emily Yoffe has written an interesting column at slate.com called "Human Guinea Pig". In her own words, she "[tries] things you might want to do but don't have the time or opportunity." Her latest experience was to be a "standardized patient" at Georgetown, receiving 23 head-to-toe physicals from 23 second-year medical students. The account is hilarious, highlights being her blood pressure reading ranging from 87/60 to 125/90 and a student-doctor who removes her bra to listen to her heart. The sample medical patient article is here; I find her column even funnier given all the first and second-year medical school friends I have who have undergone the same (undoubtedly) awkward experience. I first encountered her column a couple years ago when she recounted her attempts to defeat a lie detector test. That, and other accounts definitely worth a read, can be found here.

For Listening: For years now, my favorite artist has been the incredible Talib Kweli. To call him a "rapper" (which he is) feels like an insulting term, as it suggests similarities to D4L or implies that he's working on the next "Party Like a Rockstar". So "artist" it is. He has a new album coming out on July 24th called "Eardrum" which I'm looking forward to eagerly. He's long been a favorite within the music industry, and his collaborators on "Eardrum" would be fitting for a multi-platinum superstar (Norah Jones, will.i.am, KRS-One, Justin Timberlake, Just Blaze, Musiq Soulchild, UGK). The longtime Kweli favorites, like Hi-Tek, Kanye West and DJ Khalil are around again, although Mos Def isn't. The leaks I've heard sound extremely promising. He took a lot of flak for his supposedly overly commercial mindset on his last album, but I don't mind it - extending someone with this much talent to the masses can only be a good thing. I've heard him say plenty of times that he views himself as a piece of hip-hop and not its savior. Talib and I will agree to disagree.

For those of you who plan to immediately disregard all of this because you hate rap, take a look at this video, which is technically poetry (although I'm certain in 500 years, historians will think they are one and the same.) Even if you disagree with the message, his talent is undeniable.



For Drinking: On one of my last days in New York, I went into a Tribeca drugstore to get some bottled water. The incredibly attractive woman walking in front of me picked out a bottle I had never seen before, so naturally I just bought the exact same thing, because that's how I roll. Turned out to be this mint-flavored water called "Metromint", and while both looking stupid and sounding stupid (direct quotes from the bottle-text include "Real mint stimulates the brain to open your senses and send cooling sensations throughout your body"), I have to admit it was pretty refreshing. I'm not sure if they sell this everywhere, but if you already buy bottled water, give this a shot. I'm buying it again if I ever see it somewhere, unless a different hot chick buys something else.

For Looking: Tribeca drugstore customer was hot, but nowhere near as hot as my "celebrity" crush of the moment, Miranda Kerr. I'm sure there's a lot of facts to know about her, but since she's a model, who cares. Google away.

Making the Leap: Revisited

Rashard Lewis has reportedly agreed to a max contract with the Orlando Magic which will pay him around $15 million a season. The news reminded me of a long comment from Vish about high school basketball players that I never addressed at the time.

"with your list of players that have gone to the nba straight from high school... aside from lebron james, how many were REALLY ready for that jump and are now better off? monta ellis is good this season, but he was a second round pick. had he gone to mississippi state and shown what he can do at a higher level than high school competition, its likely that he would've gone in the first round. which would have gotten him a guaranteed 3 year contract and more money. aside from lebron james and dwight howard and anyone else taken in the top 5, most of those players could have been better off by going to college because they would've been drafted higher and gotten more guaranteed money. had kevin durant left high school for the nba, he probably would have been picked around 10-15, because as you know, everyone loves to over analyze every detail about a player leading up to the draft, and his small frame surely would have dropped his value."

It's not just Vish, he's just the only written example I have right now. To answer Vish's question, how many high schoolers are better off having made the jump? The answer is nearly every single player who got drafted in the first round. Most people don't know how tight the NBA rookie wage scale is. It's nothing like the NFL. Assuming "high school Kevin Durant" was taken with the 12th pick in the draft, he would only make about $5 million less than the real Kevin Durant will over the first three years of their rookie contracts. But the extra prime NBA year "high school Kevin Durant" gets? That year could net him over $15 million dollars. (Durant is something of a special case, as going to college MIGHT have increased his total career endorsement dollars, but very few players make big endorsement dollars. Most top players make very little through endorsements. Plus Durant may have made the same endorsement money anyway, it's hard to know for sure.)

Let's imagine you're an elite high school player, you've dominated all the local competition, you have the requisite athleticism, and you're one of the top players at the ABCD and Nike camps. Your game has flaws - scouts predict you can fix those flaws over time, but they're still flaws. You've received enough interest from teams to know that you'll be drafted in the first round in the 20s.

Option 1: Enter the draft, get drafted in the 20s.
Option 2: Go to college.

So what if you turn out to be really good? Despite the lower initial draft status, the accelerated development and extra prime years will net you an extra $10-$20 million over your career, examples being Al Harrington or Al Jefferson.

Ah, but what if you never fix that hitch in your jump shot, what if your decision making never improves, what if your left hand never develops? Then, shouldn't you go to college? Again, I'd say go to the pros. At least you'd get $2 million guaranteed. Going to college would either already expose your flaws and drop you out of the first round (Chris Taft) or subject you to injury risk and ruin your draft stock entirely (Chris Marcus). Assuming you're a high schooler who will be drafted in the first round, going to college for 2 years would only make sense if you have a pretty special combination: you will dominate college ball but also be an NBA bust. In that case, it makes sense to go all out to improve your initial draft standing, because your rookie contract would be your only contract, therefore you need to milk every dollar possible out of it.

But truthfully, no high school prospect could possibly think he was going to dominate college ball but also somehow be a huge NBA bust, even though such players turn out to exist. It's also worth noting that some "busts" like Kwame Brown or Darius Miles still received enormous long-term contracts after their rookie deals expired, furthering the notion that if you're big and athletic, you should get your ass in the league as fast as humanly possible.

All of which brings me back to Rashard Lewis. Like Monta Ellis, he slipped into the second round of the draft, and judging from his career stats, would have been much more NBA-ready after two years of college ball. Nonetheless, Lewis went pro, and is now about to sign his second huge long-term deal, this one at a max salary (his last contract paid slightly less than max). Had Lewis gone to college for two years, and been drafted say, #4, he would have made an additional $6 million over the first couple years, but would only be in year 4 of his first large contract. "High school Lewis" has already finished the first big contract and is signing his second one.

Most second round guys don't even make NBA rosters, which is why high schoolers take excessive risk to come out only to be drafted in the second round. But if you're first round material, whether you're awesome or you suck, it's in your best financial interest to enter the draft. It was the right call for Kobe Bryant, and it was the right call for Nnudi Ebi. You don't have to be top 5 for it to be the best long-term financial decision, and you definitely don't need to be a good NBA player for it to be the best decision.

Old & Grumpy

Terrible news: I am getting old. I have finally accepted stage 2 of aging, despite having arrived there a couple years ago. Everyone has different milestones, but I break down the aging process thusly:

Stage 1: Being sore the day after any meaningful exercise
Stage 2: Where I am right now (to be discussed)
Stage 3: Talk endlessly about how much wiser I am than in my 20s
Stage 4: Become reasonably knowledgeable about wine and/or scotch
Stage 5: Regularly watch Leno or Letterman and fall asleep most of the time
Stage 6: Fall asleep before watching Leno or Letterman
Stage 7: Stop watching movies in theaters, perhaps attend opera or ballet
Stage 8: Drink Ensure while I play bridge, argue that vanilla flavor is tastiest
Stage 9: Pose significant danger if allowed to drive
Stage 10: When dismissing all comedians as "not being like that Letterman fellow", no one even knows who Letterman is
Stage 11: Diet is 100% Jell-O

I define Stage 2 as no longer liking new mainstream popular music. I struggle to think of the last new mainstream song I really liked. I'm excluding songs I'm embarrassed to say I find catchy and songs I would like only in a club. Seeing as how my life is not, in fact, a never-ending dance party, listening to Nelly Furtado is sometimes inappropriate.

I find myself making the same complaints of new music that my parents made of the music I listened to: overly repetitive, little singing, stupid lyrics. The feature I like the least in new music is probably the whole "missing melody" thing, which is less horrible in Timbaland's more complex soundscapes but reaches its logical (and horrible) end point in songs like "Tipsy" and "Lip Gloss". I would describe reggaeton as "sharp pain converted into sound", and "Laffy Taffy" gives me shivers of disgust.

Then there's the "American Idol" team, which serves up a broad range of grilled chicken music. It's okay, you can eat it and not feel sick, but it's forgotten the moment it's consumed. So that leaves me the faux-angst of pop punk (which I don't really relate to) and Fergie (who should be shot).

Of course, music will always be popular, the question is merely whether you're along for the ride, or whether you'll stand aside and complain. I've been complaining for years now, so it's safe to say the problem isn't the music, the problem is me.

I'm getting old. Soon it will be time to drink some Vanilla Ensure.

I Haven't A Clue

As Americans, you know what we need to get over? This whole notion that British people are all inherently classier than we are, and what they say is somehow more intelligent and meaningful. At the job I recently left, there was a Managing Director in London who everyone kept telling me was "so sharp and impressive". After a few conference calls with the guy, I noticed he never said anything of substance, and just stammered around like some investment banking version of Hugh Grant. Apparently, using the present perfect ("The client has seen the pages" / "The client saw the pages") is enough to make everyone think you're charming and delightful. Either that or his frequent use of the word "flogging".

I don't think the way British people speak is stupid or that they need to change, but they tend to espouse that they are the only people who speak English correctly. In truth, everyone merely learns a language the way they are taught, and they've gone through zero additional effort to speak "the right way". In fact, that sentiment is generally prevalent in British people, who to this day semi-seriously expect gratitude from their former colonies. If the American problem is to be oblivious to the world, the British problem is to overestimate one's own importance in it.

I wouldn't care, except that Americans succumb to all this. I saw Woody Allen's "Match Point" recently, in large part due to the avalanche of positive reviews from critics. Allen shot London quite nicely (after all, there's only so many ways to film New York) but the film itself was sort of inane. If that script had been read by American actors, people would have laughed their way out of the theater. Instead, by presenting the exact same dull thoughts on infidelity with British accents, everyone went bananas. "He's been reinvigorated!"

So the next time someone tells me, "oh, I just LOVE how British people talk", I am going to yell at them for being backwards and unpatriotic. They will likely in turn think I am crazy and mean, and perhaps I will lose a lot of friends doing this. But sacrifices must be made. Without struggle, there can be no progress.