Old & Grumpy

Terrible news: I am getting old. I have finally accepted stage 2 of aging, despite having arrived there a couple years ago. Everyone has different milestones, but I break down the aging process thusly:

Stage 1: Being sore the day after any meaningful exercise
Stage 2: Where I am right now (to be discussed)
Stage 3: Talk endlessly about how much wiser I am than in my 20s
Stage 4: Become reasonably knowledgeable about wine and/or scotch
Stage 5: Regularly watch Leno or Letterman and fall asleep most of the time
Stage 6: Fall asleep before watching Leno or Letterman
Stage 7: Stop watching movies in theaters, perhaps attend opera or ballet
Stage 8: Drink Ensure while I play bridge, argue that vanilla flavor is tastiest
Stage 9: Pose significant danger if allowed to drive
Stage 10: When dismissing all comedians as "not being like that Letterman fellow", no one even knows who Letterman is
Stage 11: Diet is 100% Jell-O

I define Stage 2 as no longer liking new mainstream popular music. I struggle to think of the last new mainstream song I really liked. I'm excluding songs I'm embarrassed to say I find catchy and songs I would like only in a club. Seeing as how my life is not, in fact, a never-ending dance party, listening to Nelly Furtado is sometimes inappropriate.

I find myself making the same complaints of new music that my parents made of the music I listened to: overly repetitive, little singing, stupid lyrics. The feature I like the least in new music is probably the whole "missing melody" thing, which is less horrible in Timbaland's more complex soundscapes but reaches its logical (and horrible) end point in songs like "Tipsy" and "Lip Gloss". I would describe reggaeton as "sharp pain converted into sound", and "Laffy Taffy" gives me shivers of disgust.

Then there's the "American Idol" team, which serves up a broad range of grilled chicken music. It's okay, you can eat it and not feel sick, but it's forgotten the moment it's consumed. So that leaves me the faux-angst of pop punk (which I don't really relate to) and Fergie (who should be shot).

Of course, music will always be popular, the question is merely whether you're along for the ride, or whether you'll stand aside and complain. I've been complaining for years now, so it's safe to say the problem isn't the music, the problem is me.

I'm getting old. Soon it will be time to drink some Vanilla Ensure.