I Haven't A Clue

As Americans, you know what we need to get over? This whole notion that British people are all inherently classier than we are, and what they say is somehow more intelligent and meaningful. At the job I recently left, there was a Managing Director in London who everyone kept telling me was "so sharp and impressive". After a few conference calls with the guy, I noticed he never said anything of substance, and just stammered around like some investment banking version of Hugh Grant. Apparently, using the present perfect ("The client has seen the pages" / "The client saw the pages") is enough to make everyone think you're charming and delightful. Either that or his frequent use of the word "flogging".

I don't think the way British people speak is stupid or that they need to change, but they tend to espouse that they are the only people who speak English correctly. In truth, everyone merely learns a language the way they are taught, and they've gone through zero additional effort to speak "the right way". In fact, that sentiment is generally prevalent in British people, who to this day semi-seriously expect gratitude from their former colonies. If the American problem is to be oblivious to the world, the British problem is to overestimate one's own importance in it.

I wouldn't care, except that Americans succumb to all this. I saw Woody Allen's "Match Point" recently, in large part due to the avalanche of positive reviews from critics. Allen shot London quite nicely (after all, there's only so many ways to film New York) but the film itself was sort of inane. If that script had been read by American actors, people would have laughed their way out of the theater. Instead, by presenting the exact same dull thoughts on infidelity with British accents, everyone went bananas. "He's been reinvigorated!"

So the next time someone tells me, "oh, I just LOVE how British people talk", I am going to yell at them for being backwards and unpatriotic. They will likely in turn think I am crazy and mean, and perhaps I will lose a lot of friends doing this. But sacrifices must be made. Without struggle, there can be no progress.