Twitter, Expanded

In the ever-so-slight time gap in entries on the blog, I sometimes (rarely) would have the genesis of an interesting idea, but I was far too lazy to write 500 words. So, on Hemanshu’s advice, I started Tweeting (@ericswisdom) instead – maybe I couldn’t write 500 words, but surely I could muster the effort to write 12.

I didn’t understand Twitter at all when it debuted, choosing instead to mock people for their mindless self-absorption, and predicting that Twitter would die a rapid death.

That was perhaps the most glaring Andy-Rooney-hates-on-Kurt-Cobain “I don’t get you kids” moment of my life. (I think I just revealed myself to be 47 years old.) Eventually I conceded, and started working my own “prose” down to 140 characters. Most of what I tweeted about was pie, and my efforts to defeat the cupcake movement on a grassroots level, eventually leading to cupcake shops beings replaced nationwide with pie shops. That seems to be happening, so I’ve lost some of the energy that was driving my tweeting. Anyways, now that I’m theoretically writing this blog again, I thought it might be fun to expand on some tweets that didn’t get fully explored. Here’s the first three that caught my eye:

296 days ago: “If Obama had any sense, he would announce he was lowering his salary to one dollar. Americans would eat that nonsense like candy omnomnom”

I still think Obama should do this. His presidential salary is negligible when you think about his expected career earnings from books and speaking engagements. Why not do this, turnaround-CEO-style, and say, “Obviously this is a small and symbolic contribution, but sacrifice starts at the top. And if we all can sacrifice just a little bit…blah blah blah.” It would be political gold! I don’t understand why this hasn’t happened yet.

My dad thinks there should be a charity where you just give more money to the US government. Like voluntary increased taxation. He says that’s the neediest entity right now, so we should give money there. I told him traditional charities were always going to be more popular, to which he said, “Oh I see. Because that money is tax-deductible.” So then I started wondering whether voluntary taxes would themselves be tax-deductible. A couple seconds later my head literally exploded and there was a big mess on the floor.

276 days ago: “What did people do before the creation of the paper sleeve that goes outside the coffee cup? Nobody knows.” “My theory: only women, whose hands are less sensitive to heat, drank coffee on-the-go. Nobel Prize committee, I await your call.”

I surveyed my old coworkers, and everyone agreed that women can hold much hotter objects than men. Something can be scalding hot, and women just grab it like it’s nothing. I don’t even think they’re showing off, they just hardly notice heat. If you ask a woman about this, she’ll invariably say, “That’s because women have a higher pain tolerance than men.” If she’s extra fun, she will add, “It’s because we give birth.” I’m not 100% sure about that, but there’s no point arguing – once ladies bring up giving birth, you’ve reached the end of the conversation.

258 days ago: “Julia Roberts is such an entitled bitch at the end of Ocean’s 11 – angry bc a guy would leave her for $163 million. $163 million, come on!”

To refresh your memory on Ocean’s Eleven – Clooney and gang steal ONE HUNDRED SIXTY-THREE MILLION DOLLARS from Andy Garcia. Numerically, that looks like this: $163,000,000.00. Clooney asks Garcia if he would dump Julia Roberts if Clooney gave him information that led to getting the money back. Garcia says yes, Julia Roberts sees this on closed-circuit TV, becomes super furious and immediately dumps Garcia.

First of all, what if Garcia just said that to Clooney to get information, but he really had no intention whatsoever of dumping Julia Roberts? The dude just lost $163 million, I think he’s entitled to use some “unconventional” means to try to get the money back. But Julia doesn’t even consider this, she just immediately goes apeshit in her cold, distant way. Secondly, even if Garcia actually meant that he would dump her, we’re talking about $163 million dollars. I understand it’s hard to put a price on love, but it seems awfully arrogant to assume that your price is greater than $163 million dollars. If someone hinted at breaking up with me for $163 million dollars, I’d like to think I’d at least be willing to have a conversation about it. Would Clooney choose her over $163 million dollars? She has absolutely no idea! The scene is supposed to expose Garcia’s character for being phony, greedy and evil, but to me, it just reveals that Julia Roberts is spoiled and entitled. I hate Julia Roberts. Wait, I mean her character. I hate her character.

Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, jaah?

'Nuff people say, you know they can't be-lieve, Ja-mai-ca, we have a bob-sled team.

Last night, I finished watching the Nuggets-Mavs game, and was tidying up around the apartment, getting ready to sleep. It was 1:45 am, going to bed was the obvious move. But of nowhere, TBS throws a wrench in my plans - they're airing "Cool Runnings", the 1993 classic "retelling" of the 1988 Jamaican bobsled team.

"Cool Runnings" has "D2" status for me - if it's on, it's virtually impossible not to watch. The movie went until 3:30 am last night, but somehow I mustered up the inner strength to turn off the TV after the Jamaicans made it into the Olympics with their qualifying run of 59.46 seconds. Even then, it was nearly 3 am, and I am completely spent today. No regrets whatsoever.

Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, jaah???

I visited Jamaica in 2005, and you can only imagine my extreme disappointment in learning no one cared at all about "Cool Runnings" or the bobsled team. I always figured the movie took a ton of artistic license, but I assumed that the country would whore out and sell bobsled-related memorabilia to dumb tourists like myself. I searched the whole time for a miniature bobsled, to no avail. I only really found Bob Marley t-shirts and large bags of weed.

As an aside, I'm pretty sure Jamaicans play up Bob Marley for tourists. A guy drove us in a van to the waterfalls, and played Bob Marley music the whole way there. I was the last one out of the van, and noticed he was getting ready to switch to a Jagged Edge CD. Upon returning to the van, he quickly fumbled to stop his Babyface CD, and we listened to Bob Marley the whole way back to the resort. I'm telling you, this whole Bob Marley thing is a conspiracy to dupe white college kids.

Come on Jamaica...say something!

A few other things to note:

1) Leon, the actor who plays bobsled driver Derice Bannock, is the lead or co-lead actor to three of the 15 most rewatchable cable movies. He plays the school security guard in the preposterous Tupac Shakur basketball movie "Above The Rim", he plays Derice, AND he plays the legendary David Ruffin in "The Temptations" ("y'all ain't NUTHIN without David Ruffin!!" I could honestly probably write a 10,000 words entry about the Temptations miniseries, but since no one wants to read that, I'll probably just directly e-mail that to Sara.) If you enjoy, either intentionally or unintentionally, any of these three movies, it is a safe assumption that we can be friends.

You see Junior? Well, let me tell you what I see. I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody!

2) The scene where Yul Brenner learns that he can't live in Buckingham Palace because the Queen lives there, but is inspired by the kind words of Junior, who then uncrumples the picture of Buckingham Palace and places it back on the nightstand, should have brought Oscar nominations (at the very least) to both Malik Yoba and Rawle D. Lewis. There is no justice in this world.

3) Doug E. Doug should have had a better career. Among people with the same first name as last name, he has to rank #1, right? I don't know anyone who didn't enjoy his comedic relief turn as Sanka, the greatest pushcart driver in all of Jamaica. Now he does one-episode guest roles on Law & Order: SVU. Again, no justice.

Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, its bobsled time! COOL RUNNINGS!!

Dance Movies

The best part of any dance movie is when the whole cast is in a club or party, and everyone breaks out into a spontaneous and improvised, yet perfectly choreographed group routine where everyone knows all the moves.

The reason I enjoy this part so much is because it always happens to me when I go out.

2009 Academy Awards - A Live Blog, Except Not

Lately, I’ve overheard a fair number of girls spewing anti-Anne Hathaway rhetoric. Everywhere I went, it seemed I was hearing some girl say, “Anne Hathaway sucks” or “I really can’t stand Anne Hathaway” or “I don’t like that Anne Hathaway is getting so famous, she bothers me”. I mulled it over, and couldn’t come up with any sensible reason why people would dislike her. She’s a good actress, isn’t annoying, seems pretty smart, and although I get that she’s not a supermodel, I find her fairly attractive. That’s what I had planned on blogging about after the Oscars. But in researching the topic, I learned that among my own female friends, support for Anne Hathaway was quite strong. So, I sort of lost the whole angle to my post-Oscars blog. Anyhow, ladies, feel free to leave a comment expressing your feelings on Ms. Hathaway. Maybe that’s a secret prerequisite for being my friend – liking Anne Hathaway. We shall see.

I’m going to do a live-blog type thing, only it’s after the fact, and I also didn’t record the show (I watched at Simone's party), so there will be no timestamps, and frankly, it’s probably all out of order. So it’s a live-blog only in the sense that the organization will be poor and the writing will be spotty.

Le Maison en Petit Cubes wins Best Animated Short – the room is shocked to see that the award recipient is not French. A Japanese guy awkwardly stumbles through some English, and then makes up for all of it by dropping a “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto” at the end. Fu totally freaks out, and brands the guy a Japanese sellout. I counter by asking if Jackie Chan is a sellout. Some other Asian people instantly respond that yes, he’s a sellout too. This is total garbage, Jackie Chan is Buster Keaton reincarnate and has only dedicated his career to spreading joy the world over. Sometimes I think I need to be more selective with my friends.

So the “Twilight”/”Harry Potter” guy just always looks that creepy? That’s really unfortunate. He better hope that he’s never put into a police lineup, because there’s a 500% chance he’s getting picked.

There’s an intense argument in the room about WALL-E being unqualified to win Oscars (it most certainly is qualified to win Oscars) and simultaneously, positive discussion about the Angelina Jolie-James McAvoy action movie “Wanted”, a movie nobody in the room seems to have seen. Well, I’ve seen it – it sucks. In the summer, Ali, Rich and I decided to watch a movie, and had narrowed the choices down to “WALL-E” and “Wanted”. Rich pushed for “Wanted” because he only likes watching action movies in theaters, and Ali and I went along. Two hours later, we wanted to punch Rich in the face. The movie makes absolutely no sense and whatever dumb thrills I could have had were erased by the incomprehensibly annoying lead performance by James McAvoy. Whenever I hear people say they want to watch that movie, I just burn inside. Even worse, the reason tends to be “I LOVE James McAvoy”. It’s making me angry just to type all this, I need to move on.

Love Ben Stiller’s turn as Joaquin Phoenix. If you still haven’t seen the videos, I’ll direct you over to Rob’s blog to help you climb out of your hole.

Hugh Jackman leads a seven-minute musical tribute to famous musicals of the past, joined by Beyonce and the High School Musical kids. He loudly proclaims, “THE MUSICAL IS BACK!” while thrusting a triumphant fist skyward. Would it be cruel to tell Hugh Jackman that the musical is definitely not back, and if anything, is even closer to dying thanks to the recession? It seems cruel, he looks so happy there with his big dumb smile.

The room is not laughing at the James Franco-Seth Rogen “Pineapple Express” skit. I liked the movie – the scene where James Franco sobs uncontrollably as he eats a double cheeseburger just kills me. That alone almost makes the movie worthwhile.

Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock have a romantic comedy coming out on June 12th. A little idiotic to spend money on an expensive commercial during the Oscars IN FEBRUARY, no?

Josef and I are on the same page – we never knew so many hot people shopped at JC Penney’s! You really can learn a lot from commercials.

The presenter accidentally calls Philip Seymour Hoffman “Seymour Philip Hoffman”, but only Jon notices. Jon proceeds to make 3 or 4 “Seymour Philip Hoffman” jokes while the rest of the room wonders if it’s worth it to correct Jon’s “mistake”. Nobody does.

Good to see Cuba Gooding Jr. having something (anything) to do. Bad to see him as "jive-talking black guy" at Oscars. I wonder if he regrets his decision to headline “Chill Factor”, where he plays an ice cream truck driver whose truck is needed to keep a thermal bomb from detonating. Probably not, because it allowed him the opportunity to work with Skeet Ulrich. That’s hard to pass up.

I joke that Heath Ledger’s family should just walk up and deliver a typical Oscar speech. “I just want to thank Warner Brothers, the cast and crew, Heath’s agent…” My joke is ruined when they actually do thank Warner Brothers, in a classy and emotional way. Note to self, don’t make those kinds of jokes anymore.

Will Smith is inexplicably tasked with presenting five consecutive awards. He also delivers my favorite joke of the night, about how he likes movies with “car chases, explosions, digital effects and…you know, fans”. Nice to see someone undercut all the pretentiousness.

Best song performances. John Legend is singing Peter Gabriel’s song from “WALL-E” because Peter Gabriel was miffed at getting cut down to 65 seconds. I bet he’s really pissed that they let Hugh Jackman sing show tunes for seven minutes with Beyonce and Zac Efron.

Zac Efron presents some award with a chick who is not Vanessa Hudgens. I was unaware their Disney contract allows for them to ever be seen apart.

Another thing I learned from commercials: that “Hyundai” rhymes with “Sunday”. First a Super Bowl ad explaining that, and now an Oscars ad. I’m imagining the executives at Hyundai fuming about mispronunciations over the last twenty years, and instantly murdering job applicants who say “HON-DIE” in interviews.

Sophia Loren, please take your hand off your hip. Also, your skin color resembles toxic waste.

The best actor montage comes up, and Nicolas Cage flashes onscreen. Several people in the room cannot comprehend that Nicolas Cage is an Academy Award Winner. I assure them that this is indeed the case (Leaving Las Vegas), but even then, some people continue to be in disbelief. I feel like it must be a bad career sign when people literally cannot fathom that you could ever win an Oscar even though you already have. Then again, “Ghost Rider” (that movie with Eva Mendes where he is a stuntman whose head is on fire; rottentomatoes 28%) somehow did $116 million domestic and $229 million worldwide in 2007, so who am I to argue about the man’s popularity.

The whole room agrees that Danny Boyle looks like Rudy Giuliani. We also agree that the resemblance is creepy.

And...that’s the end of the show. Good work, everyone!

Movies Reviewed By My Dad: The Visitor

If you watch a lot of movies, or follow the Academy Awards, you may have seen (or at least heard of) "The Visitor", a heartfelt/boring human drama, for which lead actor Richard Jenkins has been nominated for a Best Actor Academy Award.

I happened to see the movie on a plane, and while I appreciate the performances and the subtlety, what I just said is really a complete lie. It's undeniably well done for what it is, but the movie is just not an appealing experience to me, unless I was trying to sink into depression as slowly as possible.

My dad mentioned he was about to watch the movie last week, and I told him I didn't think it was his type of film, that it was too slow-paced and not concerning a subject he would care about. He watched it the other day, and we had the following exchange:

Dad: I watched "The Visitor" last night. It was OK but not very good.
Me: It was slow and boring, right?
Dad: Yes. The good thing is the English is also very slow so I got most of the words.

Quick Note For Indian People

Just a quick note to all you Indian folks: I am a little weirded out by your over-the-top nationalistic “Go India!” pride over “Slumdog Millionaire”. I think it’s a wonderful movie, and I think pride in one’s ethnic heritage is a good thing. But know that when “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” came out, that only rated as the 1,926th proudest moment in my life. One spot ahead in 1,925th place was the time Rich, Julian, Kevin and I went to Applebee’s for half-price appetizers and ordered the entire appetizer menu.

Celebreality, Continued

If you missed #10-#6, start here first. If you enjoyed those, here’s the rest of the list, but first...

The Hottest Celeb I’ve Seen: Christy Turlington. I was never a big fan of hers until I saw her, pretty much without makeup, in a Tribeca restaurant. Then I had some trouble forming words for about 5 minutes.
Biggest Douchebag: Rod Stewart. He was wearing this ridiculous shiny silver suit and had a mediocre blond slut on each arm. If they were hotter, I would be impressed. But they were mediocre, so, tacky.
Looks Most Like He Does On TV: Ben Stein. Saw him in DC, or “Hollywood for ugly people”. I recently found out he is hardcore about intelligent design, and hates evolutionists. Don’t really know what to make of that.
Favorite Celebrity Encounters By Friends: Sara seeing Kevin Connolly on the subway (Way to save your money, Kevin Connolly. Also note how affectionately Sara is holding his shoulder, I think Sara thinks he's really hot. Also note the really creepy look of that Yankees fan on the left - that is actually Kevin Connolly's friend. He might want to stick to hanging out with Jeremy Piven.), Justin’s rendezvous with Zhang Ziyi, Min-Taik getting in the edge of a paparazzi picture of Eva Mendes, then later finding it online, and of course, Ali’s dad trying to get an autograph from “JT” on “Step by Step”.

5. The Homeless Man
I’ve mentioned it before on this blog, but I was at lunch with Shawn, Ido and Amy outside Bubby’s one day, and was surprised to see that the table next to us had 3 “ladies who lunch” and one homeless man. Even weirder, it was like the women knew the homeless man, and everyone was getting along just fine. The homeless guy was wearing a ragged gray t-shirt and gray sweatpants, was in desperate need of both a haircut and shave, and didn’t look like he had showered in months.

Then Shawn suddenly lowered his voice to a whisper and said, “Hey, that’s Harvey Keitel over there.”
Me: “Over where?”
Shawn: “At the table next to us.”
Me: “Dude, that’s 3 moms and a homeless guy.”
Shawn: “That’s Wolf from ‘Pulp Fiction’!”

I spent another 45 seconds or so struggling to comprehend, and also see the guy’s face through all the facial hair. Finally, I concluded it was Harvey Keitel, and was either (1) actually homeless, (2) incredibly disgusting, or (3) method acting for a role as a homeless guy.

A lot of people I know don’t seem to know who he is, but that’s only because they watch crappy movies. If you watch good movies, you no doubt have seen him in his illustrious film career, highlighted by his roles in The Piano, Reservoir Dogs (Mr. White) and Pulp Fiction (Wolf). He was also in National Treasure, which I refuse to watch, even though people keep insisting to me is a good movie. There’s a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence!

4. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Michelle Trachtenberg
Bonus points here because it was a 2-for-1. I went to lunch with Amy and there was an empty table an awkwardly close 2 feet from us. Soon after, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Michelle Trachtenberg sat down at that table. First, let me say that Sarah Michelle Gellar is extremely attractive in person, much more so than I would have anticipated. Michelle Trachtenberg, well, no. But she was awesome as Nona F. Mecklenberg on The Adventures of Pete & Pete, so I can’t be too critical. It was also kind of nice to see that Buffy and her sister are friends in real life.

Of course, being friends in real life means talking about things friends talk about. For women, that means relationships. Amy and I honestly weren’t trying to eavesdrop, and actually talked about other things the entire lunch, but it was impossible not to hear them, since they were practically spitting on me. (Also, they have nasally voices which are always hard to block out). Sarah Michelle Gellar was dispensing wisdom left and right, trying to explain to young Michelle how difficult relationships really are. She spoke plainly about all the effort needed to keep the romance alive in her marriage to Freddie Prinze, Jr., and how difficult that’s become since his career has become a total train wreck. (She didn’t really say that last part, I just wanted to see how that would look in print).

My favorite exchange of the lunch:
MT: “I want to call him, I think I should just call him.”
SMG: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
MT: “Really??”
SMG: “Trust me. You don’t call him. Wait for him to call you. That way you’re in control.”
MT: “Okay, I trust you.”

Oh, Sarah Michelle. You sly fox. You play the game so well.

3. Jim Cramer
If you don’t know the story, read about it here.

2. Foxy Brown
A few years ago, I went on a recruiting dinner (yes, improbably, people were trying to recruit me) at Mr. Chow, which if you don’t already know, is a comically ridiculous upscale Chinese restaurant with branches in Los Angeles, New York, London, etc. You don’t get menus there – the waiters just bring you whatever they feel like, and the restaurant charges whatever it feels like. As a lifetime eater of Chinese food, I feel qualified to say that the food was only marginally better than what you would get in a good Chinatown for $16. Our meal (which did include a few rounds of vodka shots) was well over $200 per person. Of course, you’re there for the scene, not the food. And while celebrities of every ilk flock there, Mr. Chow has reached stratospheric levels of popularity with the hip hop community. On our way to the dinner, I was treated to breathless excitement from 40-year old investment bankers.

“Last time I was here, I saw Ludacris!”
“That’s nothing, my last time there I saw Nelly!”
“Please, I went last week and DIDDY came in.” A awed hush fell over the car. That’s because Diddy is really the only hip-hop personality that 40-year old investment bankers can recognize on sight. They love to tell stories of times they saw rappers (even bankers want street cred), but almost always someone else has to explain to them who they’re seeing. Not Diddy, though. When it comes to middle-aged bankers, he needs no introduction.

So as we’re eating, we notice two black guys come in and start talking to the maître d’. The table gets excited – surely a rapper is on the way! About 10 minutes later, those two men come back with another guy and a woman, and the foursome is seated at the table next to us. I recognize the woman faster than I do some of my own friends – it’s Foxy Brown. A hip-hop star right next to us. The bankers are all excited and our table is abuzz. With just one small teensy minor inconsequential caveat.

They can’t figure out which person is the famous rapper.

But they’re excited nonetheless! I suppose there are few thrills in life that compare to seeing a group of people, one of whom you infer must be famous because you’re in a very expensive restaurant and all the people you’re looking at are wearing Phat Farm. After I sufficiently swallowed my laughter, I (and another guy who knew who Foxy Brown was) explained to the rest of the table that the woman was the famous rapper, not the guy she was sitting next to. Then people spent a few minutes debating if she was hot, and eventually our table made some dorky conversation with Foxy Brown that my mind seems to have blocked out.

I learned later that Foxy Brown probably doesn’t think the prices are egregious at Mr. Chow, not because she’s so rich, but because she’s a master of the old dine-and-dash.

As a final note, Lizzie Grubman (unattractive publicist to the stars) was also in the restaurant that night. She’s not really famous in the traditional sense, but you might know her if you (1) have no life and read Page Six all the time, (2) have no life and saw her MTV publicist reality show "PoweR Girls", or (3) are familiar with when she got wasted in the Hamptons and ran over 16 people in an SUV. I accidentally kinda bumped into her ass on the way out, causing her to spill some of her drink on herself. She thought it was some other guy, though, and started yelling at him. Good times.

1. The Chuckster
By a wide margin, my favorite celebrity sighting ever is Charles Barkley, who I saw in the Bellagio in 2006. He was in a designer suit, and he was pissed off. He looked about as angry as the Chuckster can look, and was storming through the hallway very, very quickly. Everyone says his real height is less than 6’5”, but with that look on his face, he sure seemed a lot bigger than 6’5”. I assume he must have just lost millions of dollars. My love for the Chuckster, combined with seeing him in his natural element (losing a ton of money in Vegas) would alone have made it a top-3 celebrity sighting for me. But what really put it over the top was that as he stormed down the hallway, he was being chased by two of the hottest, most scantily clad women I’ve ever seen. I started laughing out loud as I watched the two women chasing Barkley, struggling to stay balanced on their 4-inch heels. I should stress again, though – they were not just run-of-the-mill Vegas sluts. These women were extraordinary. Victoria's Secret model-esque, but minus whatever modicum of class a Victoria’s Secret model possesses.

A valet pulled Barkley’s Hummer up to a special side exit, and Barkley burst through the door, the ladies right on his heels. I could see Barkley mulling over just how he intended to blow off some steam after his night of gambling losses. Then he looked up, and saw the two sluts he had no doubt been with the last several hours. The two women hopped into the car, and it's hard to say for sure, but I think I saw Barkley's anger dissipate, and he smiled ever so faintly.

I love Chuck. He is my hero.

The Final Chuck Post

Earlier in this blog, I discussed "Good Luck, Chuck", the Dane Cook-Jessica Alba "romantic" "comedy" I was afraid I was going to watch at some point due to Jessica Alba's almost intolerable hotness. I had noticed that the movie must not have been tracking well pre-release, as the marketing did a 180 and attempted to pretend Dane Cook wasn't in the movie at all. Now that it's out, it appears to literally be the worst movie of all time.

You read that right. The worst movie of all time.


The movie scored a 3% at Rotten Tomatoes - for reference, that's HALF the score of "Gigli", often touted as the worst movie ever made. (It's not by the way - I saw it out of morbid curiosity, and it's at least an F+. Possibly even D-.) Rotten Tomatoes also has a "Cream of the Crop" list, which only compiles respected movie critics, excluding the kinds of critics who offer studio-fed lines like "An Adrenaline-Pumping Overdrive Bonanza!" as reviews in hopes of getting celebrity access. The "Cream of the Crop" results? ZERO percent. And just like that, the controversial career of Mr. Dane Cook is over.


I'm curious how Dane Cook will handle the end of his career. He might emulate Carrot Top, and continue to exist as a fringe comedian with a loyal (albeit idiotic) fan base. He could still book plenty of standup comedy gigs, and would probably have a decent life, as long as he's willing to be a complete mockery, like Carrot Top. (Who, by the way, stars in what I believe to be the worst movie ever made, 1998's "Chairman of the Board".) Of course, it's possible he'll just slink away into obscurity, never to be heard from again. I'll be happy either way, this one's a win-win.

Actresses Who Suck

Oftentimes, I like to say that this is not another identical blog that goes around saying everything and anything sucks and dropping f-bombs and just being generally negative. And that's still the case, only not today. Today, I will go over actresses who I think completely suck, and I will be very negative, and I will say mean things that my mother would not approve of. But that's okay, she doesn't have to know.

Brittany Murphy: This girl must have made a deal with the devil. That's the only conceivable answer to the question of why the media so badly wants to convince me she is hot. Who is behind this whole master scheme? The only realistic answer is the devil. However, I'm browsing imdb right now, and it appears that one of her post-production movies is "The Ramen Girl", (I kid you not), a "story of an American woman (Murphy) who's stranded in Tokyo after breaking up with her boyfriend. Searching for direction in life, she trains to be a ramen noodle chef under a tyrannical Japanese master." Imdb always says someone has like twelve movies in post-production, so I suspect "The Ramen Girl" is not a real movie. But if it is, she has an outside shot at redeeming herself in my eyes.

Kirsten Dunst: I feel like she's part of some kind of Hollywood charity outreach program. Let me establish first what I think the job criteria ought to be for a mainstream Hollywood actress. First, be attractive. Second, be good at acting. How can you fail 2 out of 2 (that's 100% if you're doing the math at home) job requirements, and still get lots of great job offers? At no point in my life has a friend told me, "You know who's hot? Kirsten Dunst" and at no point has any girl ever told me, "if only I looked more like Kirsten Dunst". And if you want to contend she's a talented actress, I dare you to watch "Spiderman 3" with me. Ordinarily, I would be able to understand her curiously high level of fame under the "Every Generation, A Completely Mediocre Woman Needs To Make It So That Girls Feel Better About Themselves" theory, only I thought that spot was already taken by...

Drew Barrymore: I just want to say, to every girl out there who watched and liked 1998's "Ever After", I want to say that I hate you. Well, that's extreme, but just know that your enjoyment of that movie and Drew Barrymore had serious repercussions. Though she's been connected all her life and thus was able to land supporting roles in high-publicity movies (Batman Forever, Scream), Hollywood executives didn't believe she had any real individual box-office clout until the modest overperformance of "Ever After". Suddenly she's in every girl movie ever made (Home Fries, Never Been Kissed, Charlie's Angels, Duplex, 50 First Dates, the other Charlie's Angels movie, and on and on) and being thrust in my face everywhere, on TV, magazines.

Now I didn't watch any of those movies (except 45 minutes of Charlie's Angels and about 4 minutes of Duplex - "What is this movie? Duplex? What's Duplex?") but those roles COULD have gone to someone hot! Why not Kate Beckinsale? SHE should be on more magazine covers! Why all this discrimination against hot actresses? I also dislike this whole "girl-next-door" label. That should refer to the girl you WISH lived next door, not some mediocre and untalented girl who actually could plausibly live next door.

Entry No. 101

I had written quite a while ago that I was worried I would watch the obviously shitty "Good Luck, Chuck" just because Jessica Alba is so hot. Well, it turns out LionsGate studio got the message, because they've totally redone the advertising, which Rich and I saw before "Superbad". Whereas the old advertisements centered around Dane Cook and the actual plot of the movie, the new ads are basically just a sequence of shots of Jessica Alba, almost completely eliminating 1) the plot and 2) any reference to Dane Cook. Guess ol' Dane Cook didn't do too well in focus group testing.

Talking To Myself: Movies

Eric: Eric, I hear you have left California again. Will you miss it?
Eric: Yes, it's a shame, I love it out there. But now I'm in Washington, DC and while I will miss the superior weather, hamburgers, and attractive women, I will have the opportunity to learn a lot more about our nation's government. So it's pretty much a wash.

Eric: Your civic focus is indeed admirable. Now let's talk movies. Seen anything recently?
Eric: I saw the newest Harry Potter with Rich last week. I gotta say, I just don't get why people love these movies, especially people who don't read the books. This movie was especially bad, it was like 2 hours of exposition. The kid who plays Harry has only two expressions, scared and scared-but-determined. I never get all the talk about how dark and layered these movies are; I happen to think they're very superficial. Rowling's books are long, and chock full of detail - the movie is a rushed-but-also-numbingly-slow glance at what seems like 100 different characters. And Harry isn't growing meaningfully, other than two minutes devoted to un-illustrated nightmares and him being bitchy with his friends. Without real character development, all we have is an episodic TV show where Harry always escapes death in the end. Anyways, I'm done watching these movies. No need to try to convince me otherwise.

Eric: Well, I won't try, since as you know, I agree with nearly everything you ever say. Care to comment on any other summer movies?
Eric: Spiderman 3 was loaded with unintentional laughs. The woman seated next to me even left before the movie ended, causing another eruption of laughter in the theater. I love that Kirsten Dunst's role was that of a bad actress. How convenient to be able to play yourself in a movie.

Eric: You're being very negative. When Tobey Maguire was crying out that couples should work through their problems, I was honestly moved to tears.
Eric: That is because you are an idiot.

Eric: Fair enough. Any recommendations?
Eric: If you're willing to watch a documentary, "Hoop Dreams" (1994) is about as good a movie as I've ever seen. It's long, but I promise it's worth it. It nominally chronicles the lives of two inner-city Chicago kids chasing a dream of basketball stardom, but that description doesn't do the film any justice. Some people more versed in movies describe this a bit better.

Eric: You know I'm not watching any documentaries. I want a fun recommendation.
Eric: You're such a simpleton. Well, how about "Out of Sight" (1998), Steven Soderbergh's take on Elmore Leonard's story of a bank robber who falls in love with the US Marshal (Karen Sisco, in case anyone ever saw that TV show) he kidnaps. It's baffling to me that "Ocean's Eleven" could be so popular while this other Soderbergh movie is so unknown. The movies share a certain comic sensibility, and the material is heightened by an electric, hilarious cast including George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez (this was pre-J. Lo, she was really very appealing then), Ving Rhames, Don Cheadle, Steve Zahn, Isaiah Washington, Catherine Keener and Albert Brooks. It has an astounding 92% fresh rating on rottentomatoes.com, plus a pretty cool cameo from everyone's favorite Batman, Michael Keaton. I'm sure you'll like this, I don't know anyone who doesn't.

Additionally, here's my favorite movies each year from 1994-2004, plus one movie whose popularity baffles me. Why that time period? I don't have to explain myself to anyone, so there.
1994
Favorites: Hoop Dreams, Shawshank Redemption, Quiz Show
Baffling: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective - I just don't think I get it. Some moments are mildly amusing, but I fail to see why this is an iconic film for my generation.
1995
Favorites: Se7en, Usual Suspects
Baffling: Babe - I guess every now and then an animal movie has to be a hit.
1996
Favorites: Swingers, Shall We Dance, Jerry Maguire
Baffling: Twister. I cannot think of a single good thing about this movie. It was 1996 when I first learned that people will watch anything if it's marketed well.
1997
Favorites: L.A. Confidential, Good Will Hunting, Wag The Dog (I often wonder if I am the only person to like this movie a lot)
Baffling: The Full Monty. Yet another universally "hilarious" movie I think is mediocre.
1998
Favorites: The Truman Show, Rush Hour, There's Something About Mary. 1998 is an incredible year for movies. The year includes Rushmore, The Big Lebowski, American History X, Pleasantville, Gods and Monsters, Dark City, Elizabeth, Saving Private Ryan, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and the previously mentioned Out of Sight.
Baffling: The Waterboy. This was the beginning of the end for me with Adam Sandler. Like, I should not have to pay theater prices for production value this low.
1999
Favorites: The Sixth Sense, Being John Malkovich, Toy Story 2
Baffling: The Mummy. I'm not above big special-effects blockbusters, but this just wasn't anything special to me. Oh, and I obviously despise The Blair Witch Project.
2000
Favorites: The Contender, High Fidelity (sad what's happened to Jack Black, isn't it?), Crouching Tiger
Baffling: None of the popular stuff really disgruntles me, the closest being Erin Brockovich and Scary Movie
2001
Favorites: Shrek, Black Hawk Down, Ocean's Eleven
Baffling: Lord of the Rings. I hear Dave Ruttenberg loves this movie though.
2002
Favorites: Adaptation, Bourne Identity, About a Boy. 2002 was sort of a thin year for movies, as I looked at the list I even considered putting Far From Heaven on here.
Baffling: My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I think maybe I needed to be 45 years old to appreciate this fully.
2003
Favorites: Mystic River, Big Fish, 21 Grams
Baffling: Hard to pick anything.
2004
Favorites: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Incredibles, Maria Full of Grace
Baffling: National Treasure. To all the people who told me to watch this, insisting it wasn't as stupid as the preview made it appear, I just want to state officially that this is a really stupid movie.

Okay, if you've made it this far, you deserve to have a say in my next "Suspending Disbelief" entry, where I go into incredible detail on the improbability of a given movie. Here are the choices: Drumline, Speed, Above the Rim, Independence Day. Voting at the top right.

Suspending Disbelief: "D2: The Mighty Ducks"

Today, we begin a new semi-recurring feature called "Suspending Disbelief". Here, I will examine movies which require ludicrously unnatural suspension of disbelief from the viewer. This is partially inspired by Min-Taik, whose hatred for the movie "Speed" is unrivaled. (He is extremely bothered by the physical impossibilities in the film, namely, the ability of a bus to make a 90-degree right turn at 50 mph simply by having everyone sit on one side of the bus. He may have a point.)

I begin with one of my favorite films of all-time, "D2: The Mighty Ducks", the famed 1994 sequel to "The Mighty Ducks". I also just saw this movie again at Ali's house, so it's disturbingly fresh in my mind.

A summary to remind the forgetful: Gordan Bombay (Emilio Estevez) coaches the USA in the Junior Goodwill Games. The assembled team of 13-year olds is comprised of a youth rec league team in Minnesota (the original Ducks) and five new ethnic stereotypes. Team USA plays fairly well, but Bombay loses his light-hearted spirit as corporate sponsors pressure him to become Pat Riley. The team loses 12-1 in pool play to Iceland, a bigger, rougher, faster team of 20-year olds coached by Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson (so nicknamed for his tendency to punch out people's teeth), one of the all-time great movie villains. After much goading from a fat fan (Kenan Thompson), the team rediscovers its passion in an intense street hockey game against oddly patriotic black and hispanic guys in South Central L.A. Bombay apologizes to his team for losing sight of sports' real goal (to have fun), and passes along the lesson to Adam Banks, who is stressed about impressing scouts, and playing with an injured wrist. The team, after learning not to counter Iceland's thuggish play with violence of their own, proceeds to band together to beat Iceland in a shootout in the final.

1. Even if there were a Junior Goodwill Games, the odds that the hockey event would command crowds of 15,000 and dominate the sports pages of USA Today (remember these kids are 13 years old) are 1 in 87 billion.
2. Accepting the dubious proposition that Team USA would be predominantly comprised of a local rec league team in Minnesota, it seems unlikely such a team would be a favorite to win. Neither does it make sense that Iceland is a dominant force - Iceland has won exactly zero medals ever in the Winter Olympics. Twenty-three years ago, they did pick up a medal in judo.3. I'm sorry, black people do not play hockey.
4. And if any black people play hockey, they sure as hell don't do it in South Central L.A.
5. Either there are no age restrictions in the "Junior" Goodwill Games, or Iceland breeds the world's largest and oldest-looking 13-year olds in the world.
6. In one of the most blatantly racist sequences in the film, USA plays a HOCKEY TEAM FROM TRINIDAD & TOBAGO.
7. One of the new additions to the team is Olympic figure skater extraordinaire Kenny Wu from San Francisco. This is of course impossible, as Kenny Wu would be busy doing math.
8. About 60 absurdly flagrant penalties are committed in the games, visible to all players and all fans, yet are not whistled. Namely, checking guys without the puck.
9. Despite being from South Central L.A., Kenan Thompson somehow has enough money for front row tickets to every game, where he is close enough to taunt the team's then-only other black guy, the great Jesse Hall. 10. The team changes uniforms before the third period. Well, um, okay.
11. At the end of the third period, Bombay devises a scheme where two players will switch uniforms. I don't know all the rules of hockey, but this feels decidedly less okay.
12. In the opening roller blading sequence, Joshua Jackson causes a construction worker to swallow about a gallon of cement. Thus, realistically, he would be unable to compete in the Goodwill Games, as he would be in juvenile court facing charges of reckless endangerment or potentially manslaughter two.
13. At the end of the film, Estevez proclaims "let's all go home", and they all fly to the same place, despite living in totally different cities.
14. Goldberg, who looks alternately Jewish and Hispanic during the film, somehow deceives a Rodeo Drive saleswoman into believing that he is the nephew of Aaron Spelling.

There's obviously a LOT more, but that's enough of this. I do still love this movie, but it asks for an all-time high in suspension of disbelief.

Ducks fly together.

I Haven't A Clue

As Americans, you know what we need to get over? This whole notion that British people are all inherently classier than we are, and what they say is somehow more intelligent and meaningful. At the job I recently left, there was a Managing Director in London who everyone kept telling me was "so sharp and impressive". After a few conference calls with the guy, I noticed he never said anything of substance, and just stammered around like some investment banking version of Hugh Grant. Apparently, using the present perfect ("The client has seen the pages" / "The client saw the pages") is enough to make everyone think you're charming and delightful. Either that or his frequent use of the word "flogging".

I don't think the way British people speak is stupid or that they need to change, but they tend to espouse that they are the only people who speak English correctly. In truth, everyone merely learns a language the way they are taught, and they've gone through zero additional effort to speak "the right way". In fact, that sentiment is generally prevalent in British people, who to this day semi-seriously expect gratitude from their former colonies. If the American problem is to be oblivious to the world, the British problem is to overestimate one's own importance in it.

I wouldn't care, except that Americans succumb to all this. I saw Woody Allen's "Match Point" recently, in large part due to the avalanche of positive reviews from critics. Allen shot London quite nicely (after all, there's only so many ways to film New York) but the film itself was sort of inane. If that script had been read by American actors, people would have laughed their way out of the theater. Instead, by presenting the exact same dull thoughts on infidelity with British accents, everyone went bananas. "He's been reinvigorated!"

So the next time someone tells me, "oh, I just LOVE how British people talk", I am going to yell at them for being backwards and unpatriotic. They will likely in turn think I am crazy and mean, and perhaps I will lose a lot of friends doing this. But sacrifices must be made. Without struggle, there can be no progress.

Impending Poor Decision

I saw the preview for "Good Luck, Chuck", and now I'm terribly afraid that I'm going to watch this movie. (Quick summary: Dane Cook somehow is a good luck charm: if women sleep with him, they will get married shortly thereafter to someone they love. Cook, on his own, falls in love with Jessica Alba, but can't sleep with her because then she'll fall in love with someone else and get married. So he has to balance his blossoming love with being unable to have sex, and hilarity ensues. He also has this fat "funnyman" friend, a role that was definitely written for Horatio Sanz - pretty sad that Horatio can't even land roles specifically written for him.) Watching this movie would be foolish for a lot of reasons, first and foremost that I would be supporting the career of Dane Cook, whose inexplicable popularity probably signals the impending downfall of the United States and potentially the entire universe.

I assume it's obvious why I'm afraid I'll watch this, but I'll say it anyways - Jessica Alba looks absurdly hot. That's not a good enough reason to watch it, but if anyone could convince me to make a bad movie decision, it's Jessica Alba. History has proven that I am prone to such mistakes (albeit rentals, not in theaters, thankfully) such as 2000's "Bedazzled", which featured Elizabeth Hurley while still at her peak, but also had the abysmally untalented and unappealing Brendan Fraser, whose continued existance as a mainstream actor shocks me to the core. Or "Valentine", starring Denise Richards and Katherine Heigl, lending their questionable dramatic talents to one of the stupidest scripts anyone ever greenlighted. I think I would have watched anything Denise Richards was in back then, so it's probably for the best that she's such a poor actress that she barely managed to be in any non-straight-to-DVD movies. I think one of the worst movies in this vein was "The Rich Man's Wife", an ill-fated 1996 movie that tested whether Halle Berry could singlehandedly carry a movie that would be bad even if it were made for Lifetime. I couldn't find the trailer, but someone, for reasons unknown, decided to post this clip on YouTube. Watch the clip - even more confusing than someone posting this is that 28 people added it to their favorites.

I won't watch "Good Luck, Chuck" in theaters, because 1) that's foolish and 2) no one would watch with me anyways, but I can already sense myself breaking down and renting it in January 2008. That will, in an indirect way, put more money in Dane Cook's pocket. It will be a sad day indeed.

Guilty Pleasures

On Sunday, I watched "2 Fast 2 Furious" on USA, which I had never seen. Everyone I know who's seen the movie advised me not to watch it, but because "The Fast and the Furious" was such a good guilty pleasure movie (nearly every line causes me to crack up in hysterics), I figured I'd give "2 Fast 2 Furious" a chance. Tyrese made a valiant effort to save the film ("[surveys beach] Man, it's a ho-asis in here, breh" and "Like I said, we hungry") but he wasn't able to replicate the moronic brilliance of Vin Diesel ("Ask any racer, any real racer. It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile; winning's winning.")

I figured I'd do an entry with some of my favorite guilty pleasure movies - to do research, I googled what other people listed as theirs, and found that most people have no concept of what a guilty pleasure movie is. People are listing things like "Zoolander" and "The Fifth Element". Just because a movie doesn't aspire to win Academy Awards doesn't make it a guilty pleasure. I'm not at all embarrassed to tell people I like "Zoolander" - a guilty pleasure movie is something you like, would watch if it was on TV, but would be a little bit wary of saying you liked it to someone you just met. By default, if a movie is widely popular, it's not a guilty pleasure, even if the movie is stupid.

Anyways, this is not a ranking by any means - guilty pleasure movies are a very individual thing, and your lists are likely very different from mine.

D2: The Mighty Ducks (1994) - This is considered a good movie by enough people that I thought hard about not including it, but it's 4.7/10 on imdb, which is pretty crappy. I first watched this movie on an airplane, but didn't pay for a headset, so I watched it completely without sound. Still had a great time, and understood everything that was happening. I finally saw it with sound a couple years later - suffice it so say, sound is completely unnecessary for this movie, except I finally learned why Dave kept joking about his "knuckle puck" that time we tried to play street hockey. Who can forget Adam Banks trying to play with a hurt wrist to impress the scouts, or the completely unnecessary Asian figure skater? The best line of this movie comes when the Iceland coach blames his star for the loss: [Wolf] "Gunnar, you lost it for me." [Gunnar, spitefully] "You lost it for yourself."

Volcano (1997) - Sometimes I think I'm the only person alive who even remembers this movie. Anytime I tell someone I like it, they go, "Oh yeah! I saw that, with Pierce Brosnan!" No, people. Pierce Brosnan is the star of "Dante's Peak", also released in 1997. (Apparently in the late-1990s, Hollywood studios saw nothing wrong with releasing duplicate movies at the same time - other examples include 1998 summer asteroid flicks "Deep Impact" and "Armageddon" and the dueling Steve Prefontaine films "Prefontaine" and "Without Limits".) Volcano is about a volcano emerging from underground in the center of Los Angeles and spewing lava! Then they have to divert the lava using a series of canals! How no one can remember such a brilliant plot is beyond me. It's an idiotic storyline, but the acting is better than you'd think for a movie like this (Tommy Lee Jones, Don Cheadle) and the movie ended with a stroke of genius. Being set in LA, there's a lot of racial conflict throughout the movie, but when the volcano starts spewing ash, everyone becomes the same gray color, as they hug and rejoice. The hilariously bad "we're all people" visual symbolism had me both cracking up in my seat and heartwarmed. A master stroke by an underappreciated bad movie.

Drumline (2002) - TBS first aired this a couple years ago - I turned on the TV and spent the first 15 minutes wondering what movie it was, finally realizing that it was "Drumline". Then I didn't have anything else to do or watch, so I watched another 20 minutes. I missed the first 15, so now I was 50 minutes into "Drumline". I started reasoning, "you're already 50 minutes into the movie, you can't stop now". Before I knew it, I had watched all of "Drumline". And TBS literally won't stop airing this movie - it's been on like 300 times since. I can't explain it - I know it sucks, yet I can't not watch for some reason. I need to petition TBS to stop airing it, I think I have some kind of problem.

Tango & Cash (1989) - Sly Stallone. Kurt Russell. One guy is supposed to be a smooth, Armani-suit wearing cop, and the other is supposed to be a dirty, disheveled, long-haired cop from the streets. Who would you have play which role? It's a tough question, because either way it's ridiculous, but this movie went with Stallone as the smooth guy. I love the sheer ridiculousness of seeing these two guys interact with each other - especially because Stallone seems to be really trying to act, while Russell knows this is a stupid movie and is phoning it in from the start. Best part: the evil villain has a rat maze, and he manipulates the rats into traps, symbolic of what he will do to Stallone and Russell. Genius.

The Big Hit (1998) - I just looked at his imdb page - Mark Wahlberg has been in a ton of decent or good movies (The Departed, I Heart Huckabees, The Italian Job, The Perfect Storm, Three Kings, The Basketball Diaries), but this isn't one of them. The story revolves around Wahlberg being a hitman but pretending to lead a normal life with a Jewish fiancée, and then he and other hitmen kidnap this daughter of a rich guy who actually went bankrupt but is also the god-daughter of the hitmen's boss, who now is trying to kill Wahlberg and the other hitmen, and then the other hitmen turn on Wahlberg and try to kill him so there is a lot of killing to be done but in the meantime Wahlberg is under pressure to cook a Kosher dinner and happens to be falling in love with the girl he kidnaps. And this guy from the video store calls him a lot to return a movie he forgot to return (seriously, there's like 8 scenes devoted to this "subplot"). Why do I watch it? Because I think China Chow is really cute/hot in it. Yep. That's all there is to it.

Turner and Hooch (1989) - Tom Hanks fights crime with a slobbering dog named Hooch! Hooch even like, wears sunglasses during stakeouts. If you don't like this movie, you must be some kind of weird animal-hater. I love the name Hooch, but the name is also a problem - hard to say you're a fan of "Turner and Hooch" and keep a straight face. Anyways, the movie also stars Carl Winslow (playing a cop of course) and Craig T. Nelson of "Coach". This movie was sort of a launching pad to greatness for everyone involved. It really showcased Hanks, who has lots of scenes of "dialogue" where he's the only guy talking ("Don't eat the car! Not the car! Oh, what am I yelling at you for? You're a dog!"). If you can do scenes like that, Forrest Gump is a walk in the park.

We'll end with my favorite quote from "The Fast and the Furious":

Johnny Tran: [Dom walks away] "TORETTO! TORETTO! SWAT came into my HOUSE, disreSPECTEed my whole family because somebody narc'd me out! And you know what? IT...WAS YOU!"
[Dom punches Tran and a brawl ensues]
Dom: "I never narc’d on NOBODY! I never narc’d on NO-BODY!"

Life Comes At You Fast

Oftentimes, a friend of mine will say something like "can you believe how old we are?" or "can you believe how much time is passed?", or one of my favorites, "I can't believe we're adults now". It's supposed to imply how different we are compared to "before". In light of this, I'd like to take a moment and examine my life now, versus an arbitrary prior point in time, and see how much I have changed and/or matured. Let's pick 1997 - that was a solid year, I "graduated" middle school (my dad: "What? I have to attend a ceremony for you passing the 8th grade? That's not an accomplishment - you mean there are people who DON'T pass that?"), was a legitimate teenager the whole year, and generally had a ball.

Automobile:
1997: Did not have a car
2007: Do not have a car

Milk:
1997: Drank 1.25 gallons a week
2007: Mildly lactose intolerant (a glass of milk will make me all gassy, and I've yet to completely convert to soy milk for some reason, even though I really like it)

Favorite Athlete:
1997: Ken Griffey, Jr. and Eddie Jones
2007: Think it is silly to have a favorite athlete, but if forced to choose, I would say Ken Griffey, Jr. and Eddie Jones. I was telling Justin the other day, I think you can parse between fake Laker fans and real ones with one question - how did you feel when the Lakers traded away Eddie Jones?

Favorite Television Show:
1997: Seinfeld - I haven't watched this lately. Hopefully it still holds up well after the Michael Richards stuff. I'm normally pretty good about not letting celebrity personal issues affect what I watch on screen - like, I still like watching Tom Cruise, so I'm optimistic.
2007: The Office - The Office has been ridiculously on fire for the last 25 episodes or so. I assume you're already watching it, or have had 900 people tell you to watch it, so if you're not watching it, allow me to be person #901. Watch "The Office". I don't get a lot of satisfaction out of listening to some minor indie band that only 10 other people know about and feeling better than everyone else because I listen to music that only elite people are cool enough to enjoy. Similarly, I don't like watching a tv show when there's no one else to talk about it with. So watch. And we shall discuss.

Guilty Pleasure Television Show:
1997: Salute Your Shorts
2007: Real World/Road Rules Challenge

Thoughts on Dancing:
1997: Wanted to learn to breakdance
2007: Want to learn to breakdance

NFL Combine Data:
1997: 5'11", 130 lbs, 225-lb bench press reps: impossible, 40-yard dash: slow, vertical leap: 13 inches
2007: 6'3", (maybe 6'2.5"), 185 lbs, 225-lb bench press reps: impossible, 40-yard dash: very, very slow, vertical leap: depressing. Although I think my hand size got slightly bigger. I think they measure that. And I might do better on the Wonderlic.








Favorite Album:
1997: New Edition - "Home Again", Aaliyah - "One in a Million"
2007: Talib Kweli - "Reflection Eternal", Nas - "Stillmatic". I still listen to New Edition though. It's really weird, as I get older, my fondness for music that was before my time keeps growing. So while I'm still listening to New Edition, now I'm listening to "If It Isn't Love" or even the really old school stuff like "Candy Girl", "Cool It Now" and "Mr. Telephone Man". It's as though my dissatisfaction with new music has caused me to age backwards into time or something. Oh and I like Phil Collins. And the Gin Blossoms. And the theme song to "Party of Five". Those aren't albums, huh? I also really liked the theme song to "Growing Pains"...you know, "show me that smile (ooh show me that smile)...don't waste another minute on your crying....we're nowhere near the end (we're nowhere near), the best is ready toooo beginnnnn...AS LONG AS WE GOT EACH OTHER (doo doo doo doo)..." Vanessa told me at work she really likes some new singer named Robin Thicke, who I found out is Alan Thicke's (dad from Growing Pains) son! So I went on YouTube and saw the video - he really resembles his dad, which I found very very creepy.

Favorite School Subject:
1997: Math
2007: I'm not in school, but the answer sure as hell isn't math.

Favorite Article of Clothing:
1997: An Adidas t-shirt detailing why the Adidas logo has 3 stripes
2007: A t-shirt with the California bear on it. And a pair of jeans from the Gap. Yep, I still shop at the Gap.

Chest Hair:
1997: None
2007: Does 10 small fuzzy hairs count?

Shaving:
1997: Unnecessary
2007: I shave every day, but in some sense, it's still unnecessary

Favorite Brands:
1997: Nike, Adidas, Fila
2007: DEATH TO CONSUMERISM!!!!!!!!!!!!. Kidding.

Form of Expression:
1997: Telephone
2007: Blog. I noticed that I no longer have any patience on the phone. I used to be able to talk on the phone for long periods of time. Now I can't. Has this happened to anyone else?

Okay, I think that's enough to give you a detailed, nuanced picture of myself. I'm not sure I've really changed all that much, but you're free to disagree.