2009 Academy Awards - A Live Blog, Except Not

Lately, I’ve overheard a fair number of girls spewing anti-Anne Hathaway rhetoric. Everywhere I went, it seemed I was hearing some girl say, “Anne Hathaway sucks” or “I really can’t stand Anne Hathaway” or “I don’t like that Anne Hathaway is getting so famous, she bothers me”. I mulled it over, and couldn’t come up with any sensible reason why people would dislike her. She’s a good actress, isn’t annoying, seems pretty smart, and although I get that she’s not a supermodel, I find her fairly attractive. That’s what I had planned on blogging about after the Oscars. But in researching the topic, I learned that among my own female friends, support for Anne Hathaway was quite strong. So, I sort of lost the whole angle to my post-Oscars blog. Anyhow, ladies, feel free to leave a comment expressing your feelings on Ms. Hathaway. Maybe that’s a secret prerequisite for being my friend – liking Anne Hathaway. We shall see.

I’m going to do a live-blog type thing, only it’s after the fact, and I also didn’t record the show (I watched at Simone's party), so there will be no timestamps, and frankly, it’s probably all out of order. So it’s a live-blog only in the sense that the organization will be poor and the writing will be spotty.

Le Maison en Petit Cubes wins Best Animated Short – the room is shocked to see that the award recipient is not French. A Japanese guy awkwardly stumbles through some English, and then makes up for all of it by dropping a “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto” at the end. Fu totally freaks out, and brands the guy a Japanese sellout. I counter by asking if Jackie Chan is a sellout. Some other Asian people instantly respond that yes, he’s a sellout too. This is total garbage, Jackie Chan is Buster Keaton reincarnate and has only dedicated his career to spreading joy the world over. Sometimes I think I need to be more selective with my friends.

So the “Twilight”/”Harry Potter” guy just always looks that creepy? That’s really unfortunate. He better hope that he’s never put into a police lineup, because there’s a 500% chance he’s getting picked.

There’s an intense argument in the room about WALL-E being unqualified to win Oscars (it most certainly is qualified to win Oscars) and simultaneously, positive discussion about the Angelina Jolie-James McAvoy action movie “Wanted”, a movie nobody in the room seems to have seen. Well, I’ve seen it – it sucks. In the summer, Ali, Rich and I decided to watch a movie, and had narrowed the choices down to “WALL-E” and “Wanted”. Rich pushed for “Wanted” because he only likes watching action movies in theaters, and Ali and I went along. Two hours later, we wanted to punch Rich in the face. The movie makes absolutely no sense and whatever dumb thrills I could have had were erased by the incomprehensibly annoying lead performance by James McAvoy. Whenever I hear people say they want to watch that movie, I just burn inside. Even worse, the reason tends to be “I LOVE James McAvoy”. It’s making me angry just to type all this, I need to move on.

Love Ben Stiller’s turn as Joaquin Phoenix. If you still haven’t seen the videos, I’ll direct you over to Rob’s blog to help you climb out of your hole.

Hugh Jackman leads a seven-minute musical tribute to famous musicals of the past, joined by Beyonce and the High School Musical kids. He loudly proclaims, “THE MUSICAL IS BACK!” while thrusting a triumphant fist skyward. Would it be cruel to tell Hugh Jackman that the musical is definitely not back, and if anything, is even closer to dying thanks to the recession? It seems cruel, he looks so happy there with his big dumb smile.

The room is not laughing at the James Franco-Seth Rogen “Pineapple Express” skit. I liked the movie – the scene where James Franco sobs uncontrollably as he eats a double cheeseburger just kills me. That alone almost makes the movie worthwhile.

Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock have a romantic comedy coming out on June 12th. A little idiotic to spend money on an expensive commercial during the Oscars IN FEBRUARY, no?

Josef and I are on the same page – we never knew so many hot people shopped at JC Penney’s! You really can learn a lot from commercials.

The presenter accidentally calls Philip Seymour Hoffman “Seymour Philip Hoffman”, but only Jon notices. Jon proceeds to make 3 or 4 “Seymour Philip Hoffman” jokes while the rest of the room wonders if it’s worth it to correct Jon’s “mistake”. Nobody does.

Good to see Cuba Gooding Jr. having something (anything) to do. Bad to see him as "jive-talking black guy" at Oscars. I wonder if he regrets his decision to headline “Chill Factor”, where he plays an ice cream truck driver whose truck is needed to keep a thermal bomb from detonating. Probably not, because it allowed him the opportunity to work with Skeet Ulrich. That’s hard to pass up.

I joke that Heath Ledger’s family should just walk up and deliver a typical Oscar speech. “I just want to thank Warner Brothers, the cast and crew, Heath’s agent…” My joke is ruined when they actually do thank Warner Brothers, in a classy and emotional way. Note to self, don’t make those kinds of jokes anymore.

Will Smith is inexplicably tasked with presenting five consecutive awards. He also delivers my favorite joke of the night, about how he likes movies with “car chases, explosions, digital effects and…you know, fans”. Nice to see someone undercut all the pretentiousness.

Best song performances. John Legend is singing Peter Gabriel’s song from “WALL-E” because Peter Gabriel was miffed at getting cut down to 65 seconds. I bet he’s really pissed that they let Hugh Jackman sing show tunes for seven minutes with Beyonce and Zac Efron.

Zac Efron presents some award with a chick who is not Vanessa Hudgens. I was unaware their Disney contract allows for them to ever be seen apart.

Another thing I learned from commercials: that “Hyundai” rhymes with “Sunday”. First a Super Bowl ad explaining that, and now an Oscars ad. I’m imagining the executives at Hyundai fuming about mispronunciations over the last twenty years, and instantly murdering job applicants who say “HON-DIE” in interviews.

Sophia Loren, please take your hand off your hip. Also, your skin color resembles toxic waste.

The best actor montage comes up, and Nicolas Cage flashes onscreen. Several people in the room cannot comprehend that Nicolas Cage is an Academy Award Winner. I assure them that this is indeed the case (Leaving Las Vegas), but even then, some people continue to be in disbelief. I feel like it must be a bad career sign when people literally cannot fathom that you could ever win an Oscar even though you already have. Then again, “Ghost Rider” (that movie with Eva Mendes where he is a stuntman whose head is on fire; rottentomatoes 28%) somehow did $116 million domestic and $229 million worldwide in 2007, so who am I to argue about the man’s popularity.

The whole room agrees that Danny Boyle looks like Rudy Giuliani. We also agree that the resemblance is creepy.

And...that’s the end of the show. Good work, everyone!