Who's NOW: My Mom or My Dad

In case you don't watch Sportscenter (and these days that's probably a pretty good idea), ESPN has been running this idiotic segment all summer where they arbitrarily compare athletes in different sports and discuss at excruciating length which athlete is more "NOW". The capital letters are from ESPN, not me. Like, who is more "NOW", Tony Parker or Roger Federer? Evidently the winner (although it's more fair to say we're all big losers here) is crowned the "ultimate sports star".

I enjoy these segments so thoroughly that I have decided to perform my own investigation of who is the most "NOW" in my life. The comparisons will be as illogical as ESPN's. I admit right now that this will all make zero sense. I start, today, with a sensible enough battle - my mom versus my dad.

Inquisitive Nature

Today, my dad literally asked me: "Can you believe Jim doesn't know how to do a dieletric sphere made of tetrahedrons?" Okay, so the first problem with this question is that I don't know who Jim is. Suffice it to say that is not the last problem with the question. After responding with "um, what?" my dad proceeded to get all riled up about other engineering things that I rapidly tuned out.

My mom also asks bad questions, but in a totally different way. When I was 16, I was watching something on NBC, and David Schwimmer comes out for one of those "The More You Know" segments and is like "Talk to your kids - they have the answers for you, but you have to ask". My mom then looks at me and asks, "Are you in a gang?" I was speechless for a little while, but decided to go literal - "No mom. I am not in a gang." Fucking David Schwimmer.

Point for: My mom. Her questions are at least, sort of, questions.

Exercise Frequency

My dad plays tennis about once a week and used to run on a treadmill. My mom can walk reasonably long distances if inside Costco.

Point for: My dad.

Greatest Purchase

My dad recently purchased a pair of sunglasses at a 99 cent store, which he couldn't be prouder of. The best thing is that my dad wears regular glasses. He puts the 99 cent glasses on over his normal glasses, thus wearing two pairs of glasses on his face. He can't get over how awesome this all is. (The guy in the picture is not my dad, but I wanted to present the situation visually.)

My mom bought a cable modem.

Point for: My mom.

Telecom Capabilities

My mom is one of those people who will call you at one number, and if you don't pick up the phone, leaves a message saying that she will also try you at your other number. This bugs me to no end, and it's bad voicemails like these that have essentially crippled our modern voicemail system. And Alec Baldwin I guess.

My dad got a cellphone about 2 years ago, and still cannot answer incoming calls. Sometimes I miss his call, and when I try to immediately call back, he never picks up. He has not successfully answered an incoming call in these 2 years.

Point for: This is a tough one, but I'm gonna say my dad. I know that sounds crazy, but my mom also normally can't answer incoming calls, a point I neglected to make above.

Cuisine Enjoyed

My dad likes only shellfish, and detests pretty much all other food. He's not in love with my mom's cooking, but also dislikes eating out. One local restaurant raised its lunch special price by 25 cents, and he called me to say he would never eat there again.

My mom is bananas over the fact that she now eats a preposterously large bowl of oatmeal each morning. She adds flaxseed sometimes, which I think is sort of trendy. The large bowl of morning oatmeal (as well as a diminishing overall appetite) causes her to eat very little at lunch and dinner.

Point for: I'm gonna say this is a draw.

Rollin' on 28s

After getting into a car accident my senior year of high school that ended our 1987 Nissan Stanza, my dad set about buying a car. What he ended up with was the world's last 1986 Nissan Pulsar, a car one grade below the Stanza. (The car pictured is like my dad's car, except it has all its hubcaps and doesn't appear to have a bunch of large dents.) In case you don't know how old I am, this all happened in 2000. My dad continues to drive this thing in 2007, although he fears he will have to junk it soon because it won't be able to pass its next smog test. It really shouldn't have passed the last one, something really shady went down at that Korean garage.

My mom drives your standard Asian mom Toyota Camry. Please don't hit her on the road. She is trying her best.

Point for: I admire my dad's automotive tenacity, but since I'm judging who's more "NOW", this one goes to mom.

So there you have it - my mom is more "NOW", by a score of 3-2-1. She will move on to face the winner of an as-yet-undetermined matchup.