Asian Adventures, Vol. IV

Been a while since I shared some secret information about Asian people. Here’s something you may not know – many Asian people, particularly parents, are loathe to remove the protective plastic film that comes on handheld electronics, like a camera, cell phone, or iPod (hat tip to Katie on this). Asians have been known to leave the sticky plastic sheet on their gadgets as long as humanly possible, even though the manufacturer really intends for them to remove it immediately. Many times, this protective plastic film becomes unbearably dirty or frayed, causing outsiders to ask said Asian why he or she still has the plastic film on. Popular responses include: “Why would I take it off?”, “So I don’t get it all scratched up” or my personal favorite, “I like the feeling you get when you eventually do take the plastic off – it’s like you have a brand new iPod!”. You might be thinking “that’s so stupid”. In response, I would say, “your face is stupid! OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”. Then I would run/jump around you in a circle, barking like DMX and triumphantly celebrate my complete verbal domination of you. Look at you. You’re pathetic.

Dishwasher Addendum

Apparently, Asian people not using the dishwasher is a previously chronicled phenomenon. Take a look at this Washington Post feature from 2005, which notes that appliance companies and retailers don't even bother to market dishwashers to ethnic minorities.

The article also includes this line:

"Kitchen historians speculate that the dishwasher lies at the heart of what it means to be a family."

The article proceeds to quote one of these "kitchen historians". Maybe this is my "immigrant" mentality, so I do apologize, but kitchen historian is not a real job. Go get a real job, kitchen historian lady.

Asian Adventures, Vol. III

For a variety of reasons, there is this stereotype/factual belief that Asians are really into all things technological. I've been doing some surveying recently, and learned that there is one modern (not even that modern, really) advancement that Asian people have adamantly refused to embrace.

The dishwasher.

The dishwasher in my parents' house has been broken for at least 17 years, yet not only do they not fix it, there's not even a moment's thought to fixing it. This despite the fact that my dad complains about doing dishes every single time he has to do the dishes, which in his case, is every day. The dishwasher serves only one function - to store dishes when there isn't enough space in the regular dishrack or in the cabinets.

I used to think this was just a quirk of my own parents, but I learned that Wendy, Julie, Richard and frankly dozens of my friends grew up the same way. As a result, a lot of us don't even know how to use the dishwasher. If you do use the dishwasher, you might be thinking, "What are you talking about that's so stupid. All you do is put the dishes in, put the detergent in, and then turn it on." And to that I really have no counter-argument other than to say, "Look, I don't know how to use a dishwasher." You might then say that is not a very intelligent response. I suppose you would be right.

As an aside, my buddy Ido is from a very Jewish family, and also grew up under the same anti-dishwasher parental regime, and struggles with the dishwasher to this day. The more I learn about very Jewish families, the more I see commonalities with Asian families, but that's another topic for another time.

If you have experienced this anti-dishwasher mentality (or are even anti-dishwasher yourself) I'm curious as to why. Leave a comment explaining your theory. I would really like to understand this better.

Asian Adventures, Vol. II

My white friends are always surprised to learn that a lot of Asian guys don't wear deodorant. I myself do not wear any, because I hardly sweat, and even when I do, I smell like a fresh meadow.

At dinner the other night, Ben (an Asian guy) was telling a funny story about how one time on a date, he totally misheard a question and responded with, "No, I don't wear deodorant." Katie, who is white, immediately had a combo surprised/appalled look on her face, and interrupted to ask, "Wait, you don't wear deodorant?" Without even the slightest hint of embarrassment, Ben replied "Nah, don't wear any." I quickly chimed in that I also don't, and a third Asian guy at the table coolly confirmed that he also never wears deodorant. The barrage of confirmations definitely startled Katie, and Ben continued on with his story, but I could tell Katie was still deciding if she was okay with the sudden realization that most Asian guys don't wear deodorant.

I would like to take this moment to confirm that 1) it's true, most Asian guys don't wear deodorant and 2) it's because we always smell like fresh meadows, regardless of the situation. (Except for really fobby Asian guys, who have that really fobby smell. I never knew what it was from, but Steve informed me that it's due to mothballs.) So if you're a non-Asian girl out there, and you've been hesitant around Asian guys for fear of BO, rest assured. We smell great.

Asian Adventures, Vol. I

My all-time favorite airport experience happened several years ago at LAX. I was at the airport by myself, minding my own business, just standing and reading a magazine. An elderly man (very elderly, at least 85 years old) started walking towards me.

“Hello there, young man!” His breath smelled really bad. I wasn’t sure if it was the Ensure or if it was just old man smell.
“Um…hello,” I replied, cautiously.
“I knew your father!” he exclaimed, although his voice did not allow him to exclaim as loudly as he may have liked.

I was puzzled. How did he know my dad? How did he know who I was? Because this guy could be genuinely crazy, I remained silent.

“Your father was a great, great man!”
“Uh-huh,” I mumbled, burying my head back in my magazine.
“I always admired your father!” What could this guy possibly be talking about?
“Your father – Bruce Lee! – what a great man!” I looked at him quizzically.
“I miss Bruce Lee.”

Yes, yes, don’t we all. Don’t we all.