Slices of Awkwardness

Life is full of tiny, awkward moments. Nothing makes an awkward moment more awkward than explicitly talking about it, so here's my take on five awkward little slices of life.

1. Closing an AIM/online chat window, then having it pop up unexpectedly as you type something to someone else

I don't like having a lot of windows open on my computer, and since I'm still using a fairly traditional AOL instant messaging service, if I have a conversation with a new person, that necessitates a new window. I don't like too much desktop clutter, so I generally close the window if the conversation seems to be going nowhere. Then, as I type something to someone else, that window unexpectedly opens again, and they wind up receiving pieces of a word like "otally", and it's pretty awkward because now that person thinks they're somehow unimportant to me, seeing as how I closed their window when we were theoretically mid-conversation. I suppose they're right to think that. If they were a big deal to me, I wouldn't have closed the window. What's especially awkward is being called out on it. "Oh, closed my window, did you?" I never know what to say there.

2. Having to lie about already having plans when you clearly have none

Someone asks me "what are you up to today?" and without thinking, I just answer truthfully that I don't really have any plans. Then, unexpectedly, that person asks if I want to do something with them, which I most certainly do not. But I can't say I have plans - I just said I didn't have any plans literally seconds ago. So invariably my move is to bash on whatever that activity is. "Do you want to see Casino Royale?" "No, I never really liked James Bond" or perhaps "Do you want to grab dinner?" "Nah, I try not to eat food". Most people are pretty good at this point and stop asking - in fact, I think oftentimes I'm the one who's bad at recognizing when this is happening to me. Oh well, ignorance is bliss. What I don't like though, are people who "suddenly" remember that they do have plans. Even though saying that will obviously communicate your point (you'd rather clearly and blatantly lie about your plans than hang out with this person) I think it's a tactless way to go about it. Everyone should be using "my" move instead.

3. Causing some kind of "unpleasant" smell in the office

I know that sounds like I mean farting, but I do not. It seems like the people who sit near me have a very keen sense of smell, so when I eat lunch at my desk, if I eat anything other than a sandwich, everyone starts yelling, "oh man what is that smell". I don't think this is very nice because it sort of compels me to eat a sandwich even if I don't necessarily want one. Nowadays I don't care, and I'll eat fish, or some kind of spicy dish if I want to. But back in the day, people would be like "where is that smell coming from" and it definitely made for an awkward moment.

Actually, the other day, a guy here got a Christmas gift basket, which included a pouch of smoked salmon and melba toast. Is smoked salmon supposed to smell awful or something? I didn't know that, and I opened it to eat some, and everyone completely freaked the fuck out and started yelling at me. And then they threw away the salmon before I was done eating. Bad times.

4. Seeing someone say "hi" to you, and saying "hi" back, only to realize they were talking to someone behind you

Man, is this one awkward or what?

5. Restaurants bringing out different dishes at vastly different times

I hate when this happens when you're eating in a group. I'm really big on eating hot food when it is hot - so when I get my food before others, I'm seriously going crazy just sitting there. If it were totally up to me, I would just start eating - after all, I would genuinely want other people to do the same. But invariably I seem to be sitting with someone who makes a big point of how we can't eat before everyone gets their food. I agree that is the polite thing to do, but should we be polite when the cost is deliciousness? I say no.