Kevin Everett was a tight end for the Buffalo Bills who was badly injured onfield, and was given a "statistically small chance" to ever walk again. The good news is that after a long series of surgeries and rehab, he did regain full walking ability, appearing on Oprah in 2008 walking without assistance. The even better news is that News 12 Sports in West Palm Beach is notorious for major errors in their news telecasts. Enjoy.
Showing posts with label Sports. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sports. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
My Search For An NFL Team
Over the last few years, I have become increasingly apathetic about the NFL. As a LA-area product, I don’t have a natural geography-based team to root for, and I’m not tied enough to any of the places I’ve lived since then to adopt those teams. Yet somehow, I remained a big NFL fan, as well versed in the league as any rabid talk-show-calling colored-face-painting personally-customized-jersey-wearing fan around.
But I can feel the early symptoms of fan-decline in my bones. I cannot watch two games back to back anymore. I find fantasy football less and less fun each season, to the point where I am contemplating retiring from fantasy football at the end of this season. My head feels like it’s going to explode from the endless inane commentary from the league’s exalted talking heads. The signs are all around me – football is my new baseball. Dying. Gleefully rooting for anyone to beat the Patriots in 2007 masked some of thesymptoms, but this season’s storyline-less season has brought me to a crossroads: I need to start rooting for an NFL team to continue to care about all of this.
A few of you might be wondering, why do you need an NFL team? Can’t you just stop watching the NFL? The short answer is no. The long answer is yes, I could, except I would be completely marginalized as an American sports fan. It would be analogous to telling people I am a huge fan of classic movies, except I don’t like The Godfather, Citizen Kane, Raging Bull and Gone With the Wind. Or that I love competitive reality television but dislike Real World/Road Rules Challenge. So here I am, a willing, eager, knowledgeable NFL fan, in search of a team. But who should I choose? Normally this would call for a ranking or a reverse ranking, because this is what people do when they write about the NFL. But I will avoid that! Because I am different and interesting!
Cleveland, Buffalo, Detroit
These teams also have a specific culture, but I needed to separate them because their specific culture revolves around being horrendous at football. I’m not going to voluntarily waterboard myself.
Washington
Really, what’s to like here?
Jacksonville, Tennessee, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Cincinnati, Indianapolis
I don’t think you can say you’re a real fan of a team if you don’t go to games, or at least want to go to games. I’m not even certain they’ve seen Asian people in Jacksonville, so things might go horribly. But on the flip side, everyone would be worried about my karate skills.
Houston, Arizona, Carolina, Tampa, Seattle, St. Louis
What’s attractive here is that these teams all have very little fan identity. I call these the “Blank Slate” teams. If you’re a fan of a Blank Slate team, my inclusion of your team may be offensive. You may feel a deep sense of team and fanbase identity. But this is factually incorrect. Nobody knows what you guys are like, and if I decided to tell everyone tomorrow that I was a lifelong fan of a Blank Slate team, nobody would have any way to determine if I was legitimate. “Yeah, you know what? Eric always sort of seemed like a Seahawks fan…it makes sense, he has that whole, uh, you know, um, Seahawky, uh, thing about him, you know?”
Miami, Baltimore, Denver, San Diego, San Francisco, New Orleans, Atlanta
The Top 7, in some order, unless I go the Blank Slate route. Good ownership groups, reasonably flexible fan identities (maybe not Baltimore – New Orleans had that culture of losing thing, but they’re in transition), acceptable-to-excellent cities to visit and acceptable-to-excellent uniforms (Ultimately, this matters more than fans care to admit. Another reason nobody roots for the Browns).
I’m going to do some more in-depth research on these 7 teams/fanbases and come to some kind of conclusion which I’ll post later. Insight and recommendations are encouraged and appreciated.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, jaah?
'Nuff people say, you know they can't be-lieve, Ja-mai-ca, we have a bob-sled team.Last night, I finished watching the Nuggets-Mavs game, and was tidying up around the apartment, getting ready to sleep. It was 1:45 am, going to bed was the obvious move. But of nowhere, TBS throws a wrench in my plans - they're airing "Cool Runnings", the 1993 classic "retelling" of the 1988 Jamaican bobsled team.
"Cool Runnings" has "D2" status for me - if it's on, it's virtually impossible not to watch. The movie went until 3:30 am last night, but somehow I mustered up the inner strength to turn off the TV after the Jamaicans made it into the Olympics with their qualifying run of 59.46 seconds. Even then, it was nearly 3 am, and I am completely spent today. No regrets whatsoever.
Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, jaah???
I visited Jamaica in 2005, and you can only imagine my extreme disappointment in learning no one cared at all about "Cool Runnings" or the bobsled team. I always figured the movie took a ton of artistic license, but I assumed that the country would whore out and sell bobsled-related memorabilia to dumb tourists like myself. I searched the whole time for a miniature bobsled, to no avail. I only really found Bob Marley t-shirts and large bags of weed.
"Cool Runnings" has "D2" status for me - if it's on, it's virtually impossible not to watch. The movie went until 3:30 am last night, but somehow I mustered up the inner strength to turn off the TV after the Jamaicans made it into the Olympics with their qualifying run of 59.46 seconds. Even then, it was nearly 3 am, and I am completely spent today. No regrets whatsoever.
Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, jaah???I visited Jamaica in 2005, and you can only imagine my extreme disappointment in learning no one cared at all about "Cool Runnings" or the bobsled team. I always figured the movie took a ton of artistic license, but I assumed that the country would whore out and sell bobsled-related memorabilia to dumb tourists like myself. I searched the whole time for a miniature bobsled, to no avail. I only really found Bob Marley t-shirts and large bags of weed.
As an aside, I'm pretty sure Jamaicans play up Bob Marley for tourists. A guy drove us in a van to the waterfalls, and played Bob Marley music the whole way there. I was the last one out of the van, and noticed he was getting ready to switch to a Jagged Edge CD. Upon returning to the van, he quickly fumbled to stop his Babyface CD, and we listened to Bob Marley the whole way back to the resort. I'm telling you, this whole Bob Marley thing is a conspiracy to dupe white college kids.
Come on Jamaica...say something!A few other things to note:
1) Leon, the actor who plays bobsled driver Derice Bannock, is the lead or co-lead actor to three of the 15 most rewatchable cable movies. He plays the school security guard in the preposterous Tupac Shakur basketball movie "Above The Rim", he plays Derice, AND he plays the legendary David Ruffin in "The Temptations" ("y'all ain't NUTHIN without David Ruffin!!" I could honestly probably write a 10,000 words entry about the Temptations miniseries, but since no one wants to read that, I'll probably just directly e-mail that to Sara.) If you enjoy, either intentionally or unintentionally, any of these three movies, it is a safe assumption that we can be friends.
You see Junior? Well, let me tell you what I see. I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody!2) The scene where Yul Brenner learns that he can't live in Buckingham Palace because the Queen lives there, but is inspired by the kind words of Junior, who then uncrumples the picture of Buckingham Palace and places it back on the nightstand, should have brought Oscar nominations (at the very least) to both Malik Yoba and Rawle D. Lewis. There is no justice in this world.
3) Doug E. Doug should have had a better career. Among people with the same first name as last name, he has to rank #1, right? I don't know anyone who didn't enjoy his comedic relief turn as Sanka, the greatest pushcart driver in all of Jamaica. Now he does one-episode guest roles on Law & Order: SVU. Again, no justice.
Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, its bobsled time! COOL RUNNINGS!!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Australian Open Thoughts
A little late to talk about the Nadal-Federer Australian Open final, but Amy has been goading me, so, here goes…
Crystal and Silla were gracious enough to host an Australian Open party Sunday morning before the Super Bowl, and I watched the match (without knowing the result) with a group spanning the gamut from people who sort of like tennis to clinically insane fanatics. (And Xiao, who came around the third set and read a presentation on venture capital investment in China.) Some people were rooting so intently for Federer that I became scared for my own safety. I was, as always, rooting for Rafa, and was joined by Fu, who would coach Nadal through the television (and also back in time, since this was on DVR) by screaming “FUCK YOU, RAFA!” at every Nadal unforced error. But like all abusers, Fu says those things out of love. It shows how much she cares.
The one thing we did know in advance was that the match lasted four and a half hours. So while the tennis in the first two sets was played at Nadal and Federer’s typical otherworldly level, there was time for the mind to drift to other subjects. The two chief topics of non-tennis conversation: what the players were wearing, and Roger Federer’s girlfriend. I don’t have much to add on the clothing subject, other than to say that Nadal may like loud colors, but I’m certain that Federer cares much more about his appearance. No one would wear the ridiculous stuff he wears to Wimbledon otherwise.
I’m much more interested in the topic of Federer and his girlfriend, the sort of Swiss analogue to Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett. That’s not really very nice of me to say, obviously Federer’s girlfriend is substantially better looking than Lyle Lovett, though you wouldn’t know it from the reactions I hear. It makes sense though, given the heightened modelesque standards of being a “tennis girlfriend”, and the expectation that Roger Federer, as the longtime epitome of tennis excellence, ought to also excel in the “tennis girlfriend” arena. I do sort of wonder if history has ever had another average-looking woman so constantly derided for her physical appearance.
On the face of it, it seems like I’m exaggerating, but I really can’t think of a better example.
Putting appearance aside, I’m more dumbfounded that Federer’s girlfriend travels with him to all tournaments (a relative ATP Tour rarity) and even more so that she handles all his affairs, which I’ve literally never heard another pro tennis player do. To be more specific, his girlfriend is his money manager!!! This caused me to wonder aloud if Federer decided to make his girlfriend his money manager to give her a job, or if Federer is just really lazy, and was already using her as his money manager, and then figured what the hell, I don’t want to meet any new women, I’ll just date my money manager. If it’s the former (which people tell me it is), it speaks volumes about Roger Federer that he would arrange his life this way. I am obviously nowhere near Federer’s tax bracket, and I would be terrified if my (figurative) girlfriend was my money manager! Every time we had a fight, I would be wondering if she was going to shift assets to her own personal untraceable Cayman Islands account the next morning.
The match continued on in masterful fashion; we were all in awe of the shotmaking by both players.
Rafa had some isolated moments of sluggishness, but for the most part, he didn’t seem to have serious lingering effects from his semifinal epic against Verdasco. Still, after Federer won to square it at two sets apiece, I returned to what I had been thinking all match – Federer can play better than he’s playing. Significantly better, really. If Sunday was the first time you had seen him, you’d scoff at that statement, but Federer really had played much better hardcourt tennis. He served poorly through the first four sets, had untimely double faults and played nearly all his break points tentatively. Most tellingly, as Patrick McEnroe continued to harp on, he didn’t attack weak second serves with his forehand, content to just dump a backhand back into play. My impression at the end of four sets (even as I screamed “VAMOS!” at no one in particular) was that Nadal was playing his best hardcourt tennis, but Federer had another gear. I figured the fifth set was Federer’s for the taking.
Turns out I was a liiiitttlle off on that one. Fortunately, I only bet on Davydenko matches.
It was hard to watch, that fifth set. Nobody in the room wanted to see the match end that way. I cringed on several of the Federer errors, and it was even more difficult watching Federer himself. Once he went down the break, you could see it on Federer’s face – the match was over, the title would be Rafa’s. Tennis is such a brutal sport in that sense – there’s no teammates to lean on, no coach to offer you encouragement, and no helmet to hide behind. When you play, you play alone. When you sit, you sit alone. The crowd can hear every word of your complaints to the umpire, and the television audience can see every emotion on your face. For 4 hours, Roger Federer was ready to win his second consecutive Grand Slam title and re-assert himself as the greatest in the world. Four sets in, he was right there.
And suddenly, he wasn’t.
It occurs to me that it shouldn’t be a surprise that Federer wept. With the way the match unfolded, and the respective arcs their careers are on, it would practically be a surprise if he didn’t cry. I can’t imagine Federer truly believes he can win at Roland Garros, and even if he wins at Wimbledon (which I think he likely will), it will take another US Open win for Federer to reclaim his perch. That has to burn just as much as the loss – barring a miracle at the French Open, he won’t really have an opportunity to be again considered the best until September.
The basic narrative of men’s tennis has been the majestic king fending off the fearless upstart since 2005. Suffice it to say, that story is going to need a rewrite.
Crystal and Silla were gracious enough to host an Australian Open party Sunday morning before the Super Bowl, and I watched the match (without knowing the result) with a group spanning the gamut from people who sort of like tennis to clinically insane fanatics. (And Xiao, who came around the third set and read a presentation on venture capital investment in China.) Some people were rooting so intently for Federer that I became scared for my own safety. I was, as always, rooting for Rafa, and was joined by Fu, who would coach Nadal through the television (and also back in time, since this was on DVR) by screaming “FUCK YOU, RAFA!” at every Nadal unforced error. But like all abusers, Fu says those things out of love. It shows how much she cares.
The one thing we did know in advance was that the match lasted four and a half hours. So while the tennis in the first two sets was played at Nadal and Federer’s typical otherworldly level, there was time for the mind to drift to other subjects. The two chief topics of non-tennis conversation: what the players were wearing, and Roger Federer’s girlfriend. I don’t have much to add on the clothing subject, other than to say that Nadal may like loud colors, but I’m certain that Federer cares much more about his appearance. No one would wear the ridiculous stuff he wears to Wimbledon otherwise.I’m much more interested in the topic of Federer and his girlfriend, the sort of Swiss analogue to Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett. That’s not really very nice of me to say, obviously Federer’s girlfriend is substantially better looking than Lyle Lovett, though you wouldn’t know it from the reactions I hear. It makes sense though, given the heightened modelesque standards of being a “tennis girlfriend”, and the expectation that Roger Federer, as the longtime epitome of tennis excellence, ought to also excel in the “tennis girlfriend” arena. I do sort of wonder if history has ever had another average-looking woman so constantly derided for her physical appearance.
On the face of it, it seems like I’m exaggerating, but I really can’t think of a better example.Putting appearance aside, I’m more dumbfounded that Federer’s girlfriend travels with him to all tournaments (a relative ATP Tour rarity) and even more so that she handles all his affairs, which I’ve literally never heard another pro tennis player do. To be more specific, his girlfriend is his money manager!!! This caused me to wonder aloud if Federer decided to make his girlfriend his money manager to give her a job, or if Federer is just really lazy, and was already using her as his money manager, and then figured what the hell, I don’t want to meet any new women, I’ll just date my money manager. If it’s the former (which people tell me it is), it speaks volumes about Roger Federer that he would arrange his life this way. I am obviously nowhere near Federer’s tax bracket, and I would be terrified if my (figurative) girlfriend was my money manager! Every time we had a fight, I would be wondering if she was going to shift assets to her own personal untraceable Cayman Islands account the next morning.
The match continued on in masterful fashion; we were all in awe of the shotmaking by both players.
Rafa had some isolated moments of sluggishness, but for the most part, he didn’t seem to have serious lingering effects from his semifinal epic against Verdasco. Still, after Federer won to square it at two sets apiece, I returned to what I had been thinking all match – Federer can play better than he’s playing. Significantly better, really. If Sunday was the first time you had seen him, you’d scoff at that statement, but Federer really had played much better hardcourt tennis. He served poorly through the first four sets, had untimely double faults and played nearly all his break points tentatively. Most tellingly, as Patrick McEnroe continued to harp on, he didn’t attack weak second serves with his forehand, content to just dump a backhand back into play. My impression at the end of four sets (even as I screamed “VAMOS!” at no one in particular) was that Nadal was playing his best hardcourt tennis, but Federer had another gear. I figured the fifth set was Federer’s for the taking.Turns out I was a liiiitttlle off on that one. Fortunately, I only bet on Davydenko matches.
It was hard to watch, that fifth set. Nobody in the room wanted to see the match end that way. I cringed on several of the Federer errors, and it was even more difficult watching Federer himself. Once he went down the break, you could see it on Federer’s face – the match was over, the title would be Rafa’s. Tennis is such a brutal sport in that sense – there’s no teammates to lean on, no coach to offer you encouragement, and no helmet to hide behind. When you play, you play alone. When you sit, you sit alone. The crowd can hear every word of your complaints to the umpire, and the television audience can see every emotion on your face. For 4 hours, Roger Federer was ready to win his second consecutive Grand Slam title and re-assert himself as the greatest in the world. Four sets in, he was right there.And suddenly, he wasn’t.
It occurs to me that it shouldn’t be a surprise that Federer wept. With the way the match unfolded, and the respective arcs their careers are on, it would practically be a surprise if he didn’t cry. I can’t imagine Federer truly believes he can win at Roland Garros, and even if he wins at Wimbledon (which I think he likely will), it will take another US Open win for Federer to reclaim his perch. That has to burn just as much as the loss – barring a miracle at the French Open, he won’t really have an opportunity to be again considered the best until September.
The basic narrative of men’s tennis has been the majestic king fending off the fearless upstart since 2005. Suffice it to say, that story is going to need a rewrite.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
February Links
Links time! Many of you have likely already seen this, but if not, I've really been enjoying passiveaggressivenotes.com lately. I especially love this post, about a girl who invited all her facebook friends to a forum to plan her birthday party, because they totally forgot about it the previous year.
Ali is gamely attempting to start a blog. So far he has only two entries, and it's like 30% he ever writes a third, but hopefully this link will put some pressure on him to write. As far as what the blog is like, let's just say if you like Vish's blog, you're going to like Ali's. Stream. O'. Consciousness.
NBA All-Star Weekend is finally going to have H-O-R-S-E as part of All-Star Saturday, and I couldn't possibly be more excited for this development. You may or may not be aware that I am an absolute beast in H-O-R-S-E. When it's my turn for my own shot, everyone pretty much quivers in fear that I'm going to hit my shot, because my shots are extremely difficult to replicate. The weirdness of my arsenal is unmatched, except for maybe Shawn, who is good at using his right hand to throw the ball over his right shoulder and catching again with the same hand. (I can only do this throwing over my left shoulder - try it if you don't know what I'm talking about, it's a big difference). Anyhow, now the NBA is doing it, and those guys are in another world. Check out Rasheed Wallace hit two three-pointers at the same time, one with each hand. You have to see what Dan Majerle does before EVERY Suns game. Also, check out Morris Peterson, hilariously unable to make any trick shots.
Season 3 of FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS is underway now on NBC, for those who didn't watch on DirecTV. Now is your chance people. This is your last chance to watch the show while it is still technically on the air (I'm almost certain this is the last season). There's time to get on the bus. If you watch it now, starting with season 1, you can still become one of my top 10 friends. That's right, I rank my friends. Number one metric: whether you watch Friday Night Lights. Number two metric: there are no other metrics.
If you have 10 minutes free, and want to raise your heartrate to 160 beats per minute, check out this unreal downhill skateboarding video Sara sent along.
Ali is gamely attempting to start a blog. So far he has only two entries, and it's like 30% he ever writes a third, but hopefully this link will put some pressure on him to write. As far as what the blog is like, let's just say if you like Vish's blog, you're going to like Ali's. Stream. O'. Consciousness.
NBA All-Star Weekend is finally going to have H-O-R-S-E as part of All-Star Saturday, and I couldn't possibly be more excited for this development. You may or may not be aware that I am an absolute beast in H-O-R-S-E. When it's my turn for my own shot, everyone pretty much quivers in fear that I'm going to hit my shot, because my shots are extremely difficult to replicate. The weirdness of my arsenal is unmatched, except for maybe Shawn, who is good at using his right hand to throw the ball over his right shoulder and catching again with the same hand. (I can only do this throwing over my left shoulder - try it if you don't know what I'm talking about, it's a big difference). Anyhow, now the NBA is doing it, and those guys are in another world. Check out Rasheed Wallace hit two three-pointers at the same time, one with each hand. You have to see what Dan Majerle does before EVERY Suns game. Also, check out Morris Peterson, hilariously unable to make any trick shots.
Season 3 of FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS is underway now on NBC, for those who didn't watch on DirecTV. Now is your chance people. This is your last chance to watch the show while it is still technically on the air (I'm almost certain this is the last season). There's time to get on the bus. If you watch it now, starting with season 1, you can still become one of my top 10 friends. That's right, I rank my friends. Number one metric: whether you watch Friday Night Lights. Number two metric: there are no other metrics.
If you have 10 minutes free, and want to raise your heartrate to 160 beats per minute, check out this unreal downhill skateboarding video Sara sent along.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Can We Clone Gus Johnson?
I’m fed up with a lot of sports announcers. In terms of sports broadcasts, anyone who grew up in Southern California was completely spoiled. Our play-by-play announcers were all absolute legends, 
Chick Hearn in basketball, Vin Scully in baseball, and the underappreciated Bob Miller doing LA Kings hockey games (most of you know him as the play-by-play guy in the Mighty Ducks movies). Don’t get me wrong, there’s still guys I like today (Gus Johnson), people who really enhance the game (Gus Johnson) by getting you more excited about what you’re watching (Gus Johnson). But among announcers and colormen, there’s a lot more bad than good around right now. Here’s a worst-7 list, since everyone loves a list:
7. Joe Buck, NFL on FOX, MLB on FOX. Joe, do you even like sports? Joe Buck’s tone of voice during games is the same tone a doctor should use when explaining that you have colon cancer.
6. Mike Tirico, Monday Night Football, NBA on ESPN, PGA Tour Events. Does any announcer have less ability to focus on the game than Mike Tirico? He suffers from that same disease that Tony Kornheiser does – namely that he likes the idea of sports more than the games themselves. You can tell he likes to read about sports, argue about sports, wax poetic about sports…but he doesn’t really like to watch sports. I hate when he just drifts off into idiotic off-topic conversation, which is pretty much all the time.
5. Tim McCarver, MLB on FOX. Fire Joe Morgan has of course catalogued his follies at length. One of my favorites from them:
Tim McCarver, after a Carlos Delgado RBI double to put the Mets up 7-2 over the Yankees:"The carousel continues, here at Shea Park. It's like a park."
Problems:
1. It's called Shea Stadium.
2. What?
4. Tony Siragusa, NFL on FOX. Why does Goose stand on the field? Is it because he’s too fat to fit in the booth with Kenny Albert and Daryl Johnston? His comments are always prefaced with the fact that he’s standing on the field, invariably leading to gems like “from the field level, I can see that the Giants are really stopping the run game” or “I’m standing on the field, and let me tell you, it is VERY cold today” or my absolute favorite, “from my vantage point at the back of the end zone, I couldn’t really see what happened there, could you guys in the booth see what happened?”
3. Tommy Heinsohn, Boston Celtics. I only hear this blowhard give his “Tommy Points” and indulge his comically blatant, semi-drunken homerism on highlight clips, but even that is enough to make me detest him. Note to all Boston (and also, especially, Detroit Pistons) fans: try listening to a local Laker broadcast one day. Hear for yourself what it’s like to hear a legitimate, professional, mostly unbiased basketball broadcast. Your broadcasts make me sick.
2. Dick Vitale, College Basketball on ESPN. It would be one thing if you conveyed genuine, uncontrollable enthusiasm (Gus Johnson). But no. You sir, you are nothing by a hype man. Don King without the hair. I beg of you, please, please, please stop talking. I’ve never in my life rooted for someone to have throat cancer. But you’re pushing me, Vitale. You’re really pushing me.
1.Thom Brenneman & Charles Davis, BCS on FOX. The BCS Championship Game was literally the single worst broadcast of a major game I have seen in my entire life. I’m prone to hyperbole, but I don’t think I’m going overboard here. There were the 40 times Charles Davis repeated “the clock stops on a first down” and Brenneman’s literal deification of Tim Tebow and never knowing the down and distance and then just a general inability to even discern what was happening on the field. “Tebow steps out of trouble to gain one yard…
The way I see if, if you can’t get a good announcer for a game, just play music in the background. Wouldn’t it be funny if Oklahoma played USC in basketball, and whenever Oklahoma was ahead, they played like, Carrie Underwood, but whenever USC was ahead, they played Dr. Dre? This would be especially hilarious in a back-and-forth game. And if that’s too outside-the-box, maybe invite T-Pain to announce the game, provided he uses his vocoder to talk. I think that would be an improvement over the current situation.
If you’ve read this far, to cheer you up, here’s a little clip from my man, Gus Johnson.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Celebreality, Continued
If you missed #10-#6, start here first. If you enjoyed those, here’s the rest of the list, but first...The Hottest Celeb I’ve Seen: Christy Turlington. I was never a big fan of hers until I saw her, pretty much without makeup, in a Tribeca restaurant. Then I had some trouble forming words for about 5 minutes.
Biggest Douchebag: Rod Stewart. He was wearing this ridiculous shiny silver suit and had a mediocre blond slut on each arm. If they were hotter, I would be impressed. But they were mediocre, so, tacky.
Looks Most Like He Does On TV: Ben Stein. Saw him in DC, or “Hollywood for ugly people”. I recently found out he is hardcore about intelligent design, and hates evolutionists. Don’t really know what to make of that.
Favorite Celebrity Encounters By Friends: Sara seeing Kevin Connolly on the subway (Way to save your money, Kevin Connolly. Also note how affectionately Sara is holding his shoulder, I think Sara thinks he's really hot. Also note the really creepy look of that Yankees fan on the left - that is actually Kevin Connolly's friend. He might want to stick to hanging out with Jeremy Piven.),
Justin’s rendezvous with Zhang Ziyi, Min-Taik getting in the edge of a paparazzi picture of Eva Mendes, then later finding it online, and of course, Ali’s dad trying to get an autograph from “JT” on “Step by Step”.5. The Homeless Man
I’ve mentioned it before on this blog, but I was at lunch with Shawn, Ido and Amy outside Bubby’s one day, and was surprised to see that the table next to us had 3 “ladies who lunch” and one homeless man. Even weirder, it was like the women knew the homeless man, and everyone was getting along just fine. The homeless guy was wearing a ragged gray t-shirt and gray sweatpants, was in desperate need of both a haircut and shave, and didn’t look like he had showered in months.
Then Shawn suddenly lowered his voice to a whisper and said, “Hey, that’s Harvey Keitel over there.”
Me: “Over where?”Shawn: “At the table next to us.”
Me: “Dude, that’s 3 moms and a homeless guy.”
Shawn: “That’s Wolf from ‘Pulp Fiction’!”
I spent another 45 seconds or so struggling to comprehend, and also see the guy’s face through all the facial hair. Finally, I concluded it was Harvey Keitel, and was either (1) actually homeless, (2) incredibly disgusting, or (3) method acting for a role as a homeless guy.
A lot of people I know don’t seem to know who he is, but that’s only because they watch crappy movies. If you watch good movies, you no doubt have seen him in his illustrious film career, highlighted by his roles in The Piano, Reservoir Dogs (Mr. White) and Pulp Fiction (Wolf). He was also in National Treasure, which I refuse to watch, even though people keep insisting to me is a good movie. There’s a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence!
4. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Michelle Trachtenberg
Bonus points here because it was a 2-for-1. I went to lunch with Amy and there was an empty table an awkwardly close 2 feet from us. Soon after, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Michelle Trachtenberg sat down at that table. First, let me say that Sarah Michelle Gellar is extremely attractive in person, much more so than I would have anticipated. Michelle Trachtenberg, well, no. But she was awesome as Nona F. Mecklenberg on The Adventures of Pete & Pete, so I can’t be too critical. It was also kind of nice to see that Buffy and her sister are friends in real life.Of course, being friends in real life means talking about things friends talk about. For women, that means relationships. Amy and I honestly weren’t trying to eavesdrop, and actually talked about other things the entire lunch, but it was impossible not to hear them, since they were practically spitting on me. (Also, they have nasally voices which are always hard to block out). Sarah Michelle Gellar was dispensing wisdom left and right, trying to explain to young
Michelle how difficult relationships really are. She spoke plainly about all the effort needed to keep the romance alive in her marriage to Freddie Prinze, Jr., and how difficult that’s become since his career has become a total train wreck. (She didn’t really say that last part, I just wanted to see how that would look in print).My favorite exchange of the lunch:
MT: “I want to call him, I think I should just call him.”
SMG: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
MT: “Really??”
SMG: “Trust me. You don’t call him. Wait for him to call you. That way you’re in control.”
MT: “Okay, I trust you.”
Oh, Sarah Michelle. You sly fox. You play the game so well.
3. Jim Cramer
If you don’t know the story, read about it here.
2. Foxy Brown
A few years ago, I went on a recruiting dinner (yes, improbably, people were trying to recruit me) at Mr. Chow, which if you don’t already know, is a comically ridiculous upscale Chinese restaurant with branches in Los Angeles, New York, London, etc. You don’t get menus there – the waiters just bring you whatever they feel like, and the restaurant charges whatever it feels like. As a lifetime eater of Chinese food, I feel qualified to say that the food was only marginally better than what you would get in a good Chinatown for $16.
Our meal (which did include a few rounds of vodka shots) was well over $200 per person. Of course, you’re there for the scene, not the food. And while celebrities of every ilk flock there, Mr. Chow has reached stratospheric levels of popularity with the hip hop community. On our way to the dinner, I was treated to breathless excitement from 40-year old investment bankers.“Last time I was here, I saw Ludacris!”
“That’s nothing, my last time there I saw Nelly!”
“Please, I went last week and DIDDY came in.” A awed hush fell over the car. That’s because Diddy is really the only hip-hop personality that 40-year old investment bankers can recognize on sight. They love to tell stories of times they saw rappers (even bankers want street cred), but almost always someone else has to explain to them who they’re seeing. Not Diddy, though. When it comes to middle-aged bankers, he needs no introduction.
So as we’re eating, we notice two black guys come in and start talking to the maître d’. The table gets excited – surely a rapper is on the way! About 10 minutes later, those two men come back with another guy and a woman, and the foursome is seated at the table next to us. I recognize the woman faster than I do some of my own friends – it’s Foxy Brown. A hip-hop star right next to us. The bankers are all excited and our table is abuzz. With just one small teensy minor inconsequential caveat.
They can’t figure out which person is the famous rapper.
But they’re excited nonetheless! I suppose there are few thrills in life that compare to seeing a group of people, one of whom you infer must be famous because you’re in a very expensive restaurant and all the people you’re looking at are wearing Phat Farm.
After I sufficiently swallowed my laughter, I (and another guy who knew who Foxy Brown was) explained to the rest of the table that the woman was the famous rapper, not the guy she was sitting next to. Then people spent a few minutes debating if she was hot, and eventually our table made some dorky conversation with Foxy Brown that my mind seems to have blocked out.I learned later that Foxy Brown probably doesn’t think the prices are egregious at Mr. Chow, not because she’s so rich, but because she’s a master of the old dine-and-dash.
As a final note, Lizzie Grubman (unattractive publicist to the stars) was also in the restaurant that night. She’s not really famous in the traditional sense, but you might know her if you (1) have no life and read Page Six all the time, (2) have no life and saw her MTV publicist reality show "PoweR Girls", or (3) are familiar with when she got wasted in the Hamptons and ran over 16 people in an SUV. I accidentally kinda bumped into her ass on the way out, causing her to spill some of her drink on herself. She thought it was some other guy, though, and started yelling at him. Good times.
1. The Chuckster
By a wide margin, my favorite celebrity sighting ever is Charles Barkley, who I saw in the Bellagio in 2006. He was in a designer suit, and he was pissed off. He looked about as angry as the Chuckster can look, and was storming through the hallway very, very quickly. Everyone says his real height is less than 6’5”, but with that look on his face, he sure seemed a lot bigger than 6’5”. I assume he must have just lost millions of dollars.
My love for the Chuckster, combined with seeing him in his natural element (losing a ton of money in Vegas) would alone have made it a top-3 celebrity sighting for me. But what really put it over the top was that as he stormed down the hallway, he was being chased by two of the hottest, most scantily clad women I’ve ever seen. I started laughing out loud as I watched the two women chasing Barkley, struggling to stay balanced on their 4-inch heels. I should stress again, though – they were not just run-of-the-mill Vegas sluts. These women were extraordinary. Victoria's Secret model-esque, but minus whatever modicum of class a Victoria’s Secret model possesses.A valet pulled Barkley’s Hummer up to a special side exit, and Barkley burst through the door, the ladies right on his heels. I could see Barkley mulling over just how he intended to blow off some steam after his night of gambling losses. Then he looked up, and saw the two sluts he had no doubt been with the last several hours. The two women hopped into the car, and it's hard to say for sure, but I think I saw Barkley's anger dissipate, and he smiled ever so faintly.
I love Chuck. He is my hero.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Celebreality
Just for fun, my favorite celebrity sightings and encounters. Part 1 of 2. (Another two-parter, I’m writing so much longer these days.)
Honorable Mention - The Guy Who Won Season Two Of “The Apprentice”
You likely have no idea who this guy is; by definition then, he’s not really a celebrity
, so I had to relegate him to honorable mention status. His name is Kelly Perdew, and he was at Princeton shortly after winning season 2 of “The Apprentice” for some entrepreneurship session. I happened to be in the right building at the time, and decided to wander around, assuming (correctly, I might add), that there would be free cookies at this thing. As I was eating my cookies, I noticed Mr. Perdew just standing there, hoping someone would talk to him. He looked kind of sad and lonely. I hope someone eventually noticed him.
10. Jamie Lynn Sigler
In the summer of 2002, I was reading a magazine at Barnes and Noble in the Century City mall. As I’m reading, a bookstore employee approached me.
“Sir, are you in line to meet Ms. Sigler?"
I look around. No one is within 8 feet of us. “What? What line?”
“The line for Ms. Sigler’s book signing. If you’re not here for the book signing, you’ll need to step out of the line.”
Total confusion. “But there’s no line.”
“This is where the line forms.”
So…am I the line? If so, I can’t really leave the line. You can’t win a battle of semantics with a Barnes and Noble employee, so I just concede. “Okay, where can I stand?”
“You’re welcome to stand right over there.” She points to a spot 3 feet away from where I’m currently standing.
At that point, a fairly cute brunette walks in and takes a seat behind a folding table. It finally occurs to me who she is. “Oh, you mean Meadow Soprano! Why didn’t you just say that?”
“Sir, you’re going to need to step out of line.” There are still no other people anywhere.
“Can I just stay ‘in line’ and meet her?”
“You have to buy the book to do that.”
“Oh. How much is the book?”
“$24.95, sir.”
"Oh." Not that cute.
9. The Time I Did Not See Justin Timberlake
In 2004, long before the success of Futuresex/Lovesounds, I was out with some friends in New York.
Cyrena knew about a party through her boss that supposedly Justin Timberlake and Tyra Banks might show up at. Sounded like we could get in, especially if we went early, but we decided not to bother. Later, on our cab ride home, her boss called to say we should have gone to the party, and that Mr. Timberlake (as well as Ms. Banks) did in fact make an appearance. Everyone in the cab went “huh, interesting” and we resumed talking about other things.
Back at my friend’s apartment, her roommate (who hadn’t gone out that night) inquired as to how our night went. “Oh, nothing much. Although we could have gone to this party that apparently Justin Timberlake and Tyra Banks showed up at. But we didn’t go.”
“What? WHAT? WHAT?!?!?” Her roommate was incredulous, red in the face, and totally overcome with emotions.
“Uhhh…”
“YOU HAD A CHANCE TO SEE JUSTIN, AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?!?!?”
“Oh I would have if we went, but we didn’t go to the party.”
“WHY DIDN’T YOU GO??? AND WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!?!? DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO ME?!?!? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO ME!!!!”
At this point she was literally in tears and left the room crying. And yes, before you even ask, this is a true story. If Justin Timberlake were a stock, I would have bought a bunch of his shares immediately.
8. Mike Tyson
This one just happened a few months back at the Bellagio. We passed a crowd, and Weili turns to me and says, “Was that Mike Tyson? I think that was Mike Tyson.”
Couldn’t have been Mike Tyson, so I decided to use the opportunity to make fun of Weili.
“Look, not all black guys are ‘Mike Tyson’, okay?”
“I really think it was though. And he had some kind of tattoo on his face.”
Oh shit! It probably was Mike Tyson! Steph and I immediately turned around and I dialed up to my maximum walking speed (which really is quite fast, so I blew by Steph) to walk past him, turn around, and walk back the other way to get a look. Sure enough, Iron Mike. He looked a bit out of shape and strangely subdued. The face tattoo is seriously insane, but it’s not intimidating. In fact, I was generally struck by how unintimidating he was, relative to my expectations. Anyways, my bad on that one. Sometimes a black guy is Mike Tyson.
7. Lil’ Wayne
For Game 5 of the 2004 NBA finals, Jin, Inhwa, Rich and I decided to watch the game at ESPNZone in New York.
Jin wanted to get a table, but during a night with a major sporting event, everyone at your table has to spend like $60 or something. But I was only 20 years old at the time, and let me tell you – spending $60 at ESPNZone without alcohol is almost impossible. “I’ll start with the chicken fingers with fries, then the full rack of ribs, then a chocolate sundae, then nachos, spinach and artichoke dip, the chicken fettuccine, with extra fettuccine…”
As I attempted to consume 12,000 calories, a large posse comes in to fill up two booths that have been reserved the whole night. In one booth is Lil’ Wayne, another guy, and 4 women. The other booth had 5 guys and no women. It was a lot of fun watching the social dynamics of an entourage, like how only one guy got to partake in the ladies with Lil’ Wayne. You could see the all-dude booth also had a de facto head, because he was able to sprawl out and take up a lot of space, while the other 4 guys had to sit a little too close to one another. Fascinating.
6. The Kid From Jerry Maguire With The Giant Head
I was at UCLA with Emilio and John, and we decided to go get burritos. Unbeknown st to us, the street had been blocked off for the premiere of the Lil’ Bow Wow (I think he still had the Lil’ back then) basketball/magic movie, “Like Mike”. Lil’ Bow Wow’s co-star in the movie? Jonathan Lipnicki of “Jerry Maguire” fame. He had this ridiculous spiked-hair, sunglasses, and a general aura of “I’m famous, I’m cool, chicks love me”. He was a little too old for that to be cute, plus his demeanor suggested he really did think he was badass, which, let's face it, is plainly preposterous. I wish you could see how ridiculous he looked. Oh wait, I found a picture! You can see too, look! He's ridiculous!
Part 2 of 2 (Numbers 5-1) here!
Honorable Mention - The Guy Who Won Season Two Of “The Apprentice”
You likely have no idea who this guy is; by definition then, he’s not really a celebrity
, so I had to relegate him to honorable mention status. His name is Kelly Perdew, and he was at Princeton shortly after winning season 2 of “The Apprentice” for some entrepreneurship session. I happened to be in the right building at the time, and decided to wander around, assuming (correctly, I might add), that there would be free cookies at this thing. As I was eating my cookies, I noticed Mr. Perdew just standing there, hoping someone would talk to him. He looked kind of sad and lonely. I hope someone eventually noticed him.10. Jamie Lynn Sigler
In the summer of 2002, I was reading a magazine at Barnes and Noble in the Century City mall. As I’m reading, a bookstore employee approached me.
“Sir, are you in line to meet Ms. Sigler?"I look around. No one is within 8 feet of us. “What? What line?”
“The line for Ms. Sigler’s book signing. If you’re not here for the book signing, you’ll need to step out of the line.”
Total confusion. “But there’s no line.”
“This is where the line forms.”
So…am I the line? If so, I can’t really leave the line. You can’t win a battle of semantics with a Barnes and Noble employee, so I just concede. “Okay, where can I stand?”
“You’re welcome to stand right over there.” She points to a spot 3 feet away from where I’m currently standing.
At that point, a fairly cute brunette walks in and takes a seat behind a folding table. It finally occurs to me who she is. “Oh, you mean Meadow Soprano! Why didn’t you just say that?”
“Sir, you’re going to need to step out of line.” There are still no other people anywhere.
“Can I just stay ‘in line’ and meet her?”
“You have to buy the book to do that.”
“Oh. How much is the book?”
“$24.95, sir.”
"Oh." Not that cute.
9. The Time I Did Not See Justin Timberlake
In 2004, long before the success of Futuresex/Lovesounds, I was out with some friends in New York.
Cyrena knew about a party through her boss that supposedly Justin Timberlake and Tyra Banks might show up at. Sounded like we could get in, especially if we went early, but we decided not to bother. Later, on our cab ride home, her boss called to say we should have gone to the party, and that Mr. Timberlake (as well as Ms. Banks) did in fact make an appearance. Everyone in the cab went “huh, interesting” and we resumed talking about other things.Back at my friend’s apartment, her roommate (who hadn’t gone out that night) inquired as to how our night went. “Oh, nothing much. Although we could have gone to this party that apparently Justin Timberlake and Tyra Banks showed up at. But we didn’t go.”
“What? WHAT? WHAT?!?!?” Her roommate was incredulous, red in the face, and totally overcome with emotions.
“Uhhh…”
“YOU HAD A CHANCE TO SEE JUSTIN, AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?!?!?”
“Oh I would have if we went, but we didn’t go to the party.”
“WHY DIDN’T YOU GO??? AND WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!?!? DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO ME?!?!? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO ME!!!!”
At this point she was literally in tears and left the room crying. And yes, before you even ask, this is a true story. If Justin Timberlake were a stock, I would have bought a bunch of his shares immediately.
8. Mike Tyson
This one just happened a few months back at the Bellagio. We passed a crowd, and Weili turns to me and says, “Was that Mike Tyson? I think that was Mike Tyson.”Couldn’t have been Mike Tyson, so I decided to use the opportunity to make fun of Weili.
“Look, not all black guys are ‘Mike Tyson’, okay?”
“I really think it was though. And he had some kind of tattoo on his face.”
Oh shit! It probably was Mike Tyson! Steph and I immediately turned around and I dialed up to my maximum walking speed (which really is quite fast, so I blew by Steph) to walk past him, turn around, and walk back the other way to get a look. Sure enough, Iron Mike. He looked a bit out of shape and strangely subdued. The face tattoo is seriously insane, but it’s not intimidating. In fact, I was generally struck by how unintimidating he was, relative to my expectations. Anyways, my bad on that one. Sometimes a black guy is Mike Tyson.
7. Lil’ Wayne
For Game 5 of the 2004 NBA finals, Jin, Inhwa, Rich and I decided to watch the game at ESPNZone in New York.
Jin wanted to get a table, but during a night with a major sporting event, everyone at your table has to spend like $60 or something. But I was only 20 years old at the time, and let me tell you – spending $60 at ESPNZone without alcohol is almost impossible. “I’ll start with the chicken fingers with fries, then the full rack of ribs, then a chocolate sundae, then nachos, spinach and artichoke dip, the chicken fettuccine, with extra fettuccine…”As I attempted to consume 12,000 calories, a large posse comes in to fill up two booths that have been reserved the whole night. In one booth is Lil’ Wayne, another guy, and 4 women. The other booth had 5 guys and no women. It was a lot of fun watching the social dynamics of an entourage, like how only one guy got to partake in the ladies with Lil’ Wayne. You could see the all-dude booth also had a de facto head, because he was able to sprawl out and take up a lot of space, while the other 4 guys had to sit a little too close to one another. Fascinating.
6. The Kid From Jerry Maguire With The Giant Head
I was at UCLA with Emilio and John, and we decided to go get burritos. Unbeknown st to us, the street had been blocked off for the premiere of the Lil’ Bow Wow (I think he still had the Lil’ back then) basketball/magic movie, “Like Mike”. Lil’ Bow Wow’s co-star in the movie? Jonathan Lipnicki of “Jerry Maguire” fame. He had this ridiculous spiked-hair, sunglasses, and a general aura of “I’m famous, I’m cool, chicks love me”. He was a little too old for that to be cute, plus his demeanor suggested he really did think he was badass, which, let's face it, is plainly preposterous. I wish you could see how ridiculous he looked. Oh wait, I found a picture! You can see too, look! He's ridiculous!Part 2 of 2 (Numbers 5-1) here!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sports Blogs
If sports blogs are your thing, a couple friends (and Things I Type readers) are developing two very different kinds of sports blogs you should check out.
Dan is one of two bloggers at Fugrod, which is sort of going for The Superficial meets sports, and sure doesn't seem to love the Yankees.
Justin, meanwhile, is one of three bloggers at From A.C. Green to Wilt, which offers its comedy with a dose of in-depth basketball analysis. The writers here are Lakers and Cavs fans, so the entries predominantly deal with those two franchises. But that's okay, because one of those franchises (Lakers) is going to win the 2008-2009 NBA Championship. So it makes sense that they get written about. Can't say that about the Cavs so much, unless LeBron continues improving at his existing rate, which means that by 2009 he will dunk 60 times every game.
Dan is one of two bloggers at Fugrod, which is sort of going for The Superficial meets sports, and sure doesn't seem to love the Yankees.
Justin, meanwhile, is one of three bloggers at From A.C. Green to Wilt, which offers its comedy with a dose of in-depth basketball analysis. The writers here are Lakers and Cavs fans, so the entries predominantly deal with those two franchises. But that's okay, because one of those franchises (Lakers) is going to win the 2008-2009 NBA Championship. So it makes sense that they get written about. Can't say that about the Cavs so much, unless LeBron continues improving at his existing rate, which means that by 2009 he will dunk 60 times every game.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Charles Barkley Doesn't Really Want To Be Governor
Charles Barkley disclosed to CNN's Wolf Blitzer (the hairy guy with the fake name) his plans to run for Governor in the State of Alabama in 2014, once he meets the legal residency requirement. He will apparently be running on a pro-choice, pro-gay marriage platform. Sometimes I wonder if Barkley is really from Alabama.
On a side note, I've always hated Wolf Blitzer for his stupid name. Why do "news" people need these fake dumb names? When I was in LA, the KABC-7 affiliate had these two weather guys, the primary one named "Dallas Raines" and the secondary guy named "Johnny Mountain." I want to punch these people in the face.
On a side note, I've always hated Wolf Blitzer for his stupid name. Why do "news" people need these fake dumb names? When I was in LA, the KABC-7 affiliate had these two weather guys, the primary one named "Dallas Raines" and the secondary guy named "Johnny Mountain." I want to punch these people in the face.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
For The Record
My curiosity is overwhelming. I can't wait to see the Shaq-in-Phoenix experiment play out. Count me as one of the naysayers, but a naysayer who will be watching tonight's game in rapt fascination.----------------------------------------------
But as much as I have doubts about Shaq, I completely can't understand Dallas' acquisition of Jason Kidd. As others much smarter than myself have pointed out, Kidd is only a marginal upgrade over Devin Harris now (at best), and quite certainly a significant downgrade in the long run. For that switch, you have to also lose your "starting center", 2 reserves, 2 first round picks AND $3 million dollars? I've always been a believer in selling out to try to win titles, but I don't think this situation qualifies. The window isn't closing on the Mavericks' core anytime soon (if anything, Josh Howard is improving) - I don't understand why Mark Cuban panicked.
I'm reminded of a different player, one who happens to struggle mightily against Devin Harris. Flash back to the 2003 Spurs. Though they obviously won a title that year, they were often frustrated with the inconsistency of their talented, speedy point guard, Tony Parker. In the first few games of their opening round matchup with the Suns, Parker was dominated by a more experienced and much physically stronger Stephon Marbury. Sensing Parker was not a long-term solution at point guard, the Spurs offered a large free agent deal to Jason Kidd.Kidd didn't take the deal. Parker became a perennial all-star. Parker is only 25 years old, makes two-thirds the money Kidd does, and oh yes, the Spurs won two more championships.
Fast forward to 2008. Dallas has its own 24-year old, talented, speedy point guard, who frustrates the coaching staff. Like Parker, he experiences rapid postseason success (keying 3 wins over the Spurs in the 2006 Western Conference Finals, largely by neutralizing Parker) and visible postseason failure (unable to contain the much stronger Baron Davis in the 2007 playoffs). He has a long-term, reasonable contract, like Parker. And though Harris is widely considered one of the best defensive point guards in the league, practically the only player with the speed and tenacity to chase the likes of Parker, Steve Nash, Chris Paul and Allen Iverson, the Mavericks leadership cannot shake the image of Baron Davis. Just like the Spurs couldn't shake the image of Stephon Marbury. Speed is fleeting, but power - NBA minds apparently remember power.So the Mavs repeat the Spurs course. They set out to get Jason Kidd. Only this Jason Kidd is not quite the same. He's almost 5 years older, soon to turn 35. He's shooting 36%, the worst figure of his career. And of course, there's another difference: this isn't a free agent offer Kidd might reject. Kidd is a Maverick, and Harris, the same Harris who Parker can't blow by, is gone for good. The deal is approved, and there's no turning back.
And somewhere, Tony Parker smiles.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Best Sports Stories Of 2007
I've often expressed my aversion to random list-making. Recently I've been all fired up about VH1's "100 Greatest Songs of the 90s", which has mostly been a ridiculously non-sensical list. I realize people ostensibly voted for the selections, but they make no sense with respect to what the popular music landscape was like in the 1990s. How could you not have a single song from Boyz II Men, Ace of Base, or Garth Brooks on the list? And if you argue it shouldn't be based on pure album sales, but artistic merit, then where is the Wu-Tang Clan or Nas? I watched this last week and just thinking about it still riles me up.
Nonetheless, I'm breaking my "no-list" rule at the end of the year, to bring you my favorite 2007 stories. I have no good reason for breaking the rule other than that I am doing it. Today, my 10 favorite sports stories of 2007.
10. "I'M A MAN!! I'M 40!!!!!"
If you're a sports fan, you might be tired of this Mike Gundy clip, but it still cracks me up, even now. For the unfamiliar, the Oklahoma State head football coach is furious with a reporter's negative column regarding one of the players. Angry that a child (a 22-year old "child"...who has a mother...a mother of children...) could be criticized in the newspaper, Gundy decided to lash back. There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said. Enjoy.
9. Michael Jordan Paints the Town Red
Someone basically walked me through how Michael Jordan hooks up with women in different cities. I've always read that the NBA is just this hotbed of anonymous groupie sex, which totally makes sense, but this all took on new dimensions when I learned exactly how someone like Jordan executes this. It's not the kind of thing I'm going to put directly in the blog, because it's of course all hearsay, and I don't want any trouble. But if you're interested (and, um, you actually know me), ask me separately. This is a GREAT story by the way. A GREAT story. I really want to emphasize the word GREAT, and would put it in 28-point font, but I don't want this page to look like a tacky MySpace.
8. Roger Clemens Goes Down In Flames
I'm so rarely right about anything that it feels especially fantastic to be right about his HGH use. I do feel bad for his children though, who all have names starting with the letter "K" (because a "K" signifies a strikeout in baseball, and Clemens has a Jupiter-sized ego, in case you don't follow sports but are somehow still reading this.) Their names are "Koby" and "Kacy" and "Kory". When they are much older, and people have forgotten about Roger Clemens, people will ask them, "Hey man, I've been meaning to ask you - why do you spell your first name like an idiot?" And instead of pridefully answering, "My father was the greatest pitcher of the modern era so I had to endure ridicule and misspellings my whole life", they will probably just cry like little babies. I wouldn't worry too much about them, though - at least they are filthy rich, which makes them swell people in my book! (FYI, the median wealth of "swell people" in my book is pretty high. But it's just a coincidence. No causation, as the social scientists like to say.)
7. Lamar Odom Makes The Play Of The Year
As a Lakers fan, no player is more frustrating than Lamar Odom. But then he makes incredible plays like these, and you remember what he is capable of.
6. Peyton Manning And The Kumars
Someone leaked these photos of Peyton Manning attending some Indian girl's Sweet 16 birthday party for $200,000 in cash, which led to a number of thoughts.
1.) Awesome.
2.) There is nothing Peyton Manning won't do for some extra cash, which is awesome. He's a "swell person" in my book, that's for sure.
3.) What kind of 16-year old girl wants to spend the money to get Peyton Manning? Why not Justin Timberlake, or Usher, or Hanna Montana?
4.) I love that even though he could have shown up wearing literally anything, Peyton Manning decided to wear a suit. He's just such a professional. You can't look sloppy for some random Indian girl's Sweet 16 party.
5.) I bet Peyton asked for all the attendee names in advance, and studied for like 3 days to make sure he could pronounce all those Indian names correctly. Don't want to look silly at the party or anything. Gotta make a good impression.
6.) You'll notice that Cedric the Entertainer is also at this party. That makes more sense, you know how 16-year old Indian girls love Cedric the Entertainer. That demographic pretty much drove the ticket sales of "Code Name: The Cleaner".
7.) Wow. Awesome.
5. Stephen Jackson Gets A New Tattoo
Basketball fans know Stephen Jackson as the incredibly talented and mentally tough Warriors swingman who likes to shoot guns at stripclubs and punch spectators in the face. Readers of this blog may know him as Leo's pick for "most likely athlete to be arrested for a homicide". Well, Stephen Jackson got a new tattoo this summer which should assuage Leo's completely irrational fears.
Yes, this is the same Stephen Jackson who will miss the Warriors' first seven games under NBA suspension for pleading guilty to a felony charge of criminal recklessness after firing an awfully similar gun into the air at an Indianapolis strip club.
"I pray I never have to use the gun again," Jackson said in explanation.
4. DrunkAthlete.com
The Jordan picture comes from one of the great developments of 2007, DrunkAthlete.com. It's pretty much just a set of pictures of drunk professional athletes. Sometimes they're not really drunk, like the Michael Jordan picture posted above, but there's some fantastic material on there. Like Steve Nash giving his mating call to the ladies.
3. Last Comic Standing: Phil Jackson
Phil Jackson is on pace this season to set some kind of coaching comedy record. Between his ridiculous interviews, his complete flaunting of league guidelines, his awesome red bow tie, and his league reprimand for cheap homosexual jokes, I now declare Phil Jackson my hero.
The Spurs made 13 3-pointers in their 107-92 victory on Tuesday night, and Jackson was asked if too much penetration was leading to open outside shooters.
"We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts," Jackson said. "It was one of those games."
Here is Master Phil mocking his own up-and-coming star, Andrew Bynum.
2. Kwame Brown Isn't Invited to My Next Birthday Party
The story in a nutshell (linked above): A random guy was walking past a bar with his 2-by-2 foot birthday cake (cost: $190) when Ronny Turiaf of the Lakers exited the bar. The man asked Turiaf to pose for a picture with him, and Turiaf agreed. Before the picture could be taken, Kwame Brown exited the bar, grabbed the cake, and threw it at this random guy, covering him in his own birthday cake. Then Kwame Brown ran into a white limousine and left the scene, while Lamar Odom's bodyguard started to beat up the cake-covered guy until Odom intervened and stopped the whole thing.
All of this led comedian Phil Jackson to quip, "Well it's natural that the cake would slip from Kwame's hands." I was talking to Justin about this - pretty much everytime a broadcaster talks about Kwame Brown in a game, they always bring up his "really small hands" or "Kwame has those tiny hands" and "sometimes he struggles to catch passes in traffic because his hands are disproportionately small". Seeing as how hand size is anecdotally joked about as evidence of...other body part size, do you think this infuriates Kwame Brown? It's a nonstop assault on his very manhood. I think that's why the whole cake thing happened. He has excessive aggression due to the perceived implications of his often-noted "miniscule hands".
1. Ballers With Randoms
The title of this Flickr album pretty much says it all. Ballers with randoms. And let me tell you, it is an absolute GOLDMINE of comedy. Technically, this wasn't really a "sports story" in 2007, but it really should have been. I'll post a few pictures here, but you need to click the link above and see this in its entirety.
Nonetheless, I'm breaking my "no-list" rule at the end of the year, to bring you my favorite 2007 stories. I have no good reason for breaking the rule other than that I am doing it. Today, my 10 favorite sports stories of 2007.
10. "I'M A MAN!! I'M 40!!!!!"
If you're a sports fan, you might be tired of this Mike Gundy clip, but it still cracks me up, even now. For the unfamiliar, the Oklahoma State head football coach is furious with a reporter's negative column regarding one of the players. Angry that a child (a 22-year old "child"...who has a mother...a mother of children...) could be criticized in the newspaper, Gundy decided to lash back. There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said. Enjoy.
9. Michael Jordan Paints the Town Red
Someone basically walked me through how Michael Jordan hooks up with women in different cities. I've always read that the NBA is just this hotbed of anonymous groupie sex, which totally makes sense, but this all took on new dimensions when I learned exactly how someone like Jordan executes this. It's not the kind of thing I'm going to put directly in the blog, because it's of course all hearsay, and I don't want any trouble. But if you're interested (and, um, you actually know me), ask me separately. This is a GREAT story by the way. A GREAT story. I really want to emphasize the word GREAT, and would put it in 28-point font, but I don't want this page to look like a tacky MySpace.8. Roger Clemens Goes Down In Flames
I'm so rarely right about anything that it feels especially fantastic to be right about his HGH use. I do feel bad for his children though, who all have names starting with the letter "K" (because a "K" signifies a strikeout in baseball, and Clemens has a Jupiter-sized ego, in case you don't follow sports but are somehow still reading this.) Their names are "Koby" and "Kacy" and "Kory". When they are much older, and people have forgotten about Roger Clemens, people will ask them, "Hey man, I've been meaning to ask you - why do you spell your first name like an idiot?" And instead of pridefully answering, "My father was the greatest pitcher of the modern era so I had to endure ridicule and misspellings my whole life", they will probably just cry like little babies. I wouldn't worry too much about them, though - at least they are filthy rich, which makes them swell people in my book! (FYI, the median wealth of "swell people" in my book is pretty high. But it's just a coincidence. No causation, as the social scientists like to say.)7. Lamar Odom Makes The Play Of The Year
As a Lakers fan, no player is more frustrating than Lamar Odom. But then he makes incredible plays like these, and you remember what he is capable of.
6. Peyton Manning And The Kumars
Someone leaked these photos of Peyton Manning attending some Indian girl's Sweet 16 birthday party for $200,000 in cash, which led to a number of thoughts.1.) Awesome.
2.) There is nothing Peyton Manning won't do for some extra cash, which is awesome. He's a "swell person" in my book, that's for sure.
3.) What kind of 16-year old girl wants to spend the money to get Peyton Manning? Why not Justin Timberlake, or Usher, or Hanna Montana?
4.) I love that even though he could have shown up wearing literally anything, Peyton Manning decided to wear a suit. He's just such a professional. You can't look sloppy for some random Indian girl's Sweet 16 party.
5.) I bet Peyton asked for all the attendee names in advance, and studied for like 3 days to make sure he could pronounce all those Indian names correctly. Don't want to look silly at the party or anything. Gotta make a good impression.
6.) You'll notice that Cedric the Entertainer is also at this party. That makes more sense, you know how 16-year old Indian girls love Cedric the Entertainer. That demographic pretty much drove the ticket sales of "Code Name: The Cleaner".
7.) Wow. Awesome.
5. Stephen Jackson Gets A New Tattoo
Basketball fans know Stephen Jackson as the incredibly talented and mentally tough Warriors swingman who likes to shoot guns at stripclubs and punch spectators in the face. Readers of this blog may know him as Leo's pick for "most likely athlete to be arrested for a homicide". Well, Stephen Jackson got a new tattoo this summer which should assuage Leo's completely irrational fears.Yes, this is the same Stephen Jackson who will miss the Warriors' first seven games under NBA suspension for pleading guilty to a felony charge of criminal recklessness after firing an awfully similar gun into the air at an Indianapolis strip club.
"I pray I never have to use the gun again," Jackson said in explanation.
4. DrunkAthlete.com
The Jordan picture comes from one of the great developments of 2007, DrunkAthlete.com. It's pretty much just a set of pictures of drunk professional athletes. Sometimes they're not really drunk, like the Michael Jordan picture posted above, but there's some fantastic material on there. Like Steve Nash giving his mating call to the ladies.
3. Last Comic Standing: Phil Jackson
Phil Jackson is on pace this season to set some kind of coaching comedy record. Between his ridiculous interviews, his complete flaunting of league guidelines, his awesome red bow tie, and his league reprimand for cheap homosexual jokes, I now declare Phil Jackson my hero.
The Spurs made 13 3-pointers in their 107-92 victory on Tuesday night, and Jackson was asked if too much penetration was leading to open outside shooters.
"We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts," Jackson said. "It was one of those games."
Here is Master Phil mocking his own up-and-coming star, Andrew Bynum.
2. Kwame Brown Isn't Invited to My Next Birthday Party
The story in a nutshell (linked above): A random guy was walking past a bar with his 2-by-2 foot birthday cake (cost: $190) when Ronny Turiaf of the Lakers exited the bar. The man asked Turiaf to pose for a picture with him, and Turiaf agreed. Before the picture could be taken, Kwame Brown exited the bar, grabbed the cake, and threw it at this random guy, covering him in his own birthday cake. Then Kwame Brown ran into a white limousine and left the scene, while Lamar Odom's bodyguard started to beat up the cake-covered guy until Odom intervened and stopped the whole thing.
All of this led comedian Phil Jackson to quip, "Well it's natural that the cake would slip from Kwame's hands." I was talking to Justin about this - pretty much everytime a broadcaster talks about Kwame Brown in a game, they always bring up his "really small hands" or "Kwame has those tiny hands" and "sometimes he struggles to catch passes in traffic because his hands are disproportionately small". Seeing as how hand size is anecdotally joked about as evidence of...other body part size, do you think this infuriates Kwame Brown? It's a nonstop assault on his very manhood. I think that's why the whole cake thing happened. He has excessive aggression due to the perceived implications of his often-noted "miniscule hands".
1. Ballers With Randoms
The title of this Flickr album pretty much says it all. Ballers with randoms. And let me tell you, it is an absolute GOLDMINE of comedy. Technically, this wasn't really a "sports story" in 2007, but it really should have been. I'll post a few pictures here, but you need to click the link above and see this in its entirety.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Quick Links
The TV writers' strike continues, and I'm starting to quiver in fear. Word is they're getting close to a resolution, but if it doesn't come, and networks run out of new episodes, I'm going to demand federal intervention. Bring on the strikebreakers. The landscape of reality TV is looking pretty grim, other than perennial all-stars The Amazing Race, which this year has an Asian woman and her pops, and Ryan Seacrest's hot ex-girlfriend (what? so he's not gay?) and Project Runway, which thus far has been hysterical. If you're not down for that, allow me throw in yet another plug for the greatest television show of all time (for both genders and all ages!), Friday Night Lights.I don't normally comment on blogs that aren't written by my friends, but Freakonomics had a post about the relative power of labor unions in the NFL and MLB (the post was actually pretty lousy), so I had to respond. I left a brief but insightful comment, and noticed later in the day that I was the "Comment of the Moment" on the front page.
Probably as famous as I'm ever going to be, so now is the time to capitalize with the ladies. The only difficulty is finding ladies who care. Minor technicality.There was a fascinating story in the Wall Street Journal (subscription might be required, I'm not sure) about Larry King getting defrauded by a life settlement company. Life settlement is a rapidly growing and immensely creepy industry. Basically, what these firms do is buy your existing life insurance - they give you cash up front, and pay the remaining premiums on your life insurance. When you die, they collect the face value of the insurance. Meaning, of course, that they are rooting for you to die as quickly as possible. A pretty unsavory business to be in. Larry King, for his part, somehow sold $15 million of life insurance for only $1.4 million (despite being a 70-year old diabetic who has undergone triple bypass heart surgery), then also somehow paid $700,000 in commissions and fees, so after tax and his own attorney fees (that attorney should lose his license), he got nothing.
I'm not sure what this means other than that Larry King may not be the brightest bulb in the box.I have a RSS feed on my Google homepage from People.com. It feeds whatever the highest ranked news stories are, and I'm always baffled by what the highest ranking stories are. For instance, for the last several days, Hulk Hogan's divorce has been the #1 most read story. Really? Hulk Hogan's divorce? There was like a 2-week span where Brooke Burke and David Charvet's baby was the top story. There wasn't even a freaking baby - her publicist just said she was pregnant. I'm surprised they even qualified as celebrities. We need some real stuff to happen. Maybe OJ could go kill someone else. I hope I don't really mean that.
Finally, I leave you with an incredibly inspiring feature from the Onion News Network about a fat kid who devised a brilliant way to go into the swimming pool without being mocked - he kept his shirt on while swimming! (Honestly, this clip completely killed me - you have to watch it).
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
The Panel Of Genius: November, Part Two
This is Part Two of November's "The Panel of Genius", an expert panel assembled to opine on random sports-related questions thrown their way. If you missed Part One, catch up now.
With the success/dominance of the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics, how much do you despise Boston right now?
Leo: You know, I like the Patriots a lot, despite the fact that they have a future Republican president taking their snaps. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I've always felt like Bill Belicheck is Michael Jordan of coaching...someone who operates at such a high level that the work they do in their position transcends the combined work of everyone else on the opposing team.
Michael Jordan, despite being a shoot-first guard, was able to win 6 championships because he was just so much better than everyone else that nothing else mattered (much of this of course has to do with the fact that Michael Jordan was an NBA basketball player during the absolute lowest talent point of the league in the last 20 years, but I digress). I also have to admit I cheered the Red Sox during their 2004 season because I wanted to see them beat the Yankees and I felt sympathy for their team and fans. And I love Ray Allen's jumper. But the answer to your question is "a lot." Those smug sons of bitches.
Ali: The teams of Boston I hate quite a bit (with the exception of the Patriots who have the potential to make me a little cash this winter.) The city of Boston, kind of tired of their shit. Not really sure how to explain it but they just bug the crap out of me. The last thing to come out of Boston that made me happy to know they are part of our great nation is "The Departed", and even that they stole from the Chinese. I don't know where I am going with this anymore, but if the Celtics take the title this year after the Pats win the super bowl, I might have to forever ban ESPN and PTI from ever being watched in my home.
Vish: I do hate Boston, but not more so now than before. It's hard to hate something more than I already hate Boston. The Red Sox won (I'm still mad at Cleveland) but the Patriots and Celtics have yet to really accomplish anything. Plus I cant hate the Patriots any more than I already do. I worked the Chargers-Patriots playoff game last year and the amount of grown men I saw who were all gladly willing to get on their knees and deep-throat Tom Brady was enough to make me sick for a lifetime. Plus, I'm not convinced that they will win the Super Bowl this year [ed. note: Really? I am.].
As for the Celtics, sure they are off to a good start, but they are still old, and they still play in the east, which only really has 2-3 good teams. Maybe if they consistently beat the Spurs, Mavs, Rockets, etc. from the west, then I'll buy in to the hype. But for now they are nothing more than the NBA equivalent of Boston College. Start off hot, make everyone think they are for real, then fade into obscurity, and prove that they were a sham. However, I would really be shocked if the Boston Bruins started winning.
Brian: I don't even want to waste my time answering this fucking question. How much more of my life has to be spent looking at highlights and clips of Boston sports? I hate Boston and everything that comes out of that turd of a city. I hope someone drops a fucking bomb on that fucking city and does the US a favor. I seriously think I hate that city more than anything else right now. My feelings of hatred for Boston are stronger than my feelings of racism towards random groups of people who I won't mention here. But anyways, yes I fucking hate that city and I hate everyone that lives there, roots for their teams, and has that stupid fucking accent. Sit down and die already city of Boston. Its not really the city but just the Red Sox. I hate the fucking Sox. They've won twice in 4 years or something but they fucking act like they've won 26 championships (Yankees). They won twice in 4 years sure. But they've also won twice in 80+ years. Just sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. I dont like the Sox because they act like they are the greatest team in the history of baseball when they are just the best team in the past few years.
With the success/dominance of the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics, how much do you despise Boston right now?
Leo: You know, I like the Patriots a lot, despite the fact that they have a future Republican president taking their snaps. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I've always felt like Bill Belicheck is Michael Jordan of coaching...someone who operates at such a high level that the work they do in their position transcends the combined work of everyone else on the opposing team.
Michael Jordan, despite being a shoot-first guard, was able to win 6 championships because he was just so much better than everyone else that nothing else mattered (much of this of course has to do with the fact that Michael Jordan was an NBA basketball player during the absolute lowest talent point of the league in the last 20 years, but I digress). I also have to admit I cheered the Red Sox during their 2004 season because I wanted to see them beat the Yankees and I felt sympathy for their team and fans. And I love Ray Allen's jumper. But the answer to your question is "a lot." Those smug sons of bitches.Ali: The teams of Boston I hate quite a bit (with the exception of the Patriots who have the potential to make me a little cash this winter.) The city of Boston, kind of tired of their shit. Not really sure how to explain it but they just bug the crap out of me. The last thing to come out of Boston that made me happy to know they are part of our great nation is "The Departed", and even that they stole from the Chinese. I don't know where I am going with this anymore, but if the Celtics take the title this year after the Pats win the super bowl, I might have to forever ban ESPN and PTI from ever being watched in my home.
Vish: I do hate Boston, but not more so now than before. It's hard to hate something more than I already hate Boston. The Red Sox won (I'm still mad at Cleveland) but the Patriots and Celtics have yet to really accomplish anything. Plus I cant hate the Patriots any more than I already do. I worked the Chargers-Patriots playoff game last year and the amount of grown men I saw who were all gladly willing to get on their knees and deep-throat Tom Brady was enough to make me sick for a lifetime. Plus, I'm not convinced that they will win the Super Bowl this year [ed. note: Really? I am.].
As for the Celtics, sure they are off to a good start, but they are still old, and they still play in the east, which only really has 2-3 good teams. Maybe if they consistently beat the Spurs, Mavs, Rockets, etc. from the west, then I'll buy in to the hype. But for now they are nothing more than the NBA equivalent of Boston College. Start off hot, make everyone think they are for real, then fade into obscurity, and prove that they were a sham. However, I would really be shocked if the Boston Bruins started winning.Brian: I don't even want to waste my time answering this fucking question. How much more of my life has to be spent looking at highlights and clips of Boston sports? I hate Boston and everything that comes out of that turd of a city. I hope someone drops a fucking bomb on that fucking city and does the US a favor. I seriously think I hate that city more than anything else right now. My feelings of hatred for Boston are stronger than my feelings of racism towards random groups of people who I won't mention here. But anyways, yes I fucking hate that city and I hate everyone that lives there, roots for their teams, and has that stupid fucking accent. Sit down and die already city of Boston. Its not really the city but just the Red Sox. I hate the fucking Sox. They've won twice in 4 years or something but they fucking act like they've won 26 championships (Yankees). They won twice in 4 years sure. But they've also won twice in 80+ years. Just sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. I dont like the Sox because they act like they are the greatest team in the history of baseball when they are just the best team in the past few years.
Justin: It's not so much that I despise Boston. It's more that I despise the smugness of Boston fans, starting with one of my favorite sportswriters, Bill Simmons. Simmons used to be great - he was fresh and different, and his columns always offered refreshing takes on sports, pop culture, etc. Now all his articles are either 1) whiny defenses of why it's still okay for him to love Boston sports or 2) pompous, self-congratulatory rants about how great his teams are and how they are going to win the championship, and really, he doesn't mind that you hate the Sox and the Celtics and the Patriots, because they're going to win. Just by writing this, it's clear that he desperately wants you to love his teams too.Boston fans are like the guy who was a loser in high school, so tried a little bit too hard to be liked, and made things awkward so people liked him even less. Over time, some people started feeling sorry for him. Then he won the lottery and decided to throw lavish parties to rub it in everyone's face. Only that guy is still a little insecure that he doesn't have any real friends, only people who hopped on the bandwagon and pretend to like him because he's rich. He pretends he's okay that some people hate him for being an ass, but deep down inside, he's just scared to wake up and find himself a loser again.
Also, I hate Boston because McHale gave Garnett away to the Celtics for a crappy package, just because he used to be a Celtic. Instead of letting Magic own part of the Lakers, wouldn't the Lakers be better served asking Magic to go buy another team so that he could make crappy trades that benefit the Lakers?
What's the best nickname in sports, current or past? Also: what would your nickname be?
Ali: Chocolate Thunder...for both.Justin: Tough question. I'm going to go with Pistol Pete Maravich, just edging out Dr. J. I like Human Highlight Film, but it's too long to roll off the tongue. Pistol Pete just describes the way he played so perfectly.
My nickname would probably be "Little Yi." This is because I am Asian and no one would be able to tell us apart, other than the fact that I am 14 inches shorter.
Brian: The best nickname in sports is indicted/accused/charged ___________ (fill in the blank). Games are the meat of the sandwich, sure, but the toppings and condiments that give sports flavor is what happens off the field. Sports are soap operas for men. The kinds of trouble that these grown men get into is hilarious and I love seeing young rich men ruin their lives before they're 30.
Leo: My nickname would be "looked better during the warm-up." I haven't really thought of my favorite nickname, but I will say that I exceedingly enjoyed calling Olowakandi "Kandi Man" and J
ason Williams "White Chocolate."Vish: My nickname in little league was "Lightning." On one play, while I was at first, the ball got past the catcher, and went to the backstop, the catcher went back to get it, picked it up, looked over at my team's dugout (he was friends with some players on my team, like my brother and a few others) THEN threw the ball down to second base TO STILL throw me out in my attempt to steal. I then walked back to the dugout to see my brother and all of the other, older, players on my team laughing hysterically. So for the rest of the season, I was "Lightning". So I'm gonna have to go with that as my sports nickname. I would like to mention that I feel like im a little faster now, and if I were to race down a basketball court with almost anyone that we play basketball with these days, I wouldn't lose by more than a few steps. Unless you're some freak of nature that likes to run, like David Hill.
Best of all time? "Shoeless" Joe Jackson. New nicknames like Hibachi or the Black Mamba or whatever the hell athletes want to call themselves these days are all wack, so they don't even get considered. For a nickname to really be great it has to almost take the place of the player's real name. So take Joe Jackson, who was a great player in his day, but if I were to ask baseball fans what they thought of Joe Jackson, most people wouldn't know who the hell I'm talking about. Throw in "Shoeless" and 9/10 DO know who I'm talking about, and that lone dissenter is an idiot. You gotta always account for idiots. William "Refrigerator" Perry and Adam "Pacman" Jones are right up there for the same reasons, but I personally like Shoeless better because it means that the guy loved his sport enough to play barefoot, as opposed to the guy who loved to eat so much he looked like an appliance.
What would you say is the scariest thing to have to do in sports? (i.e: face a 100 mph fastball, go over the middle in football, pole vaulting, etc.)
Ali: I am going with the fastball. After seeing Randy Johnson mess up J.T. Snow's hand and face and then he destroyed that bird, I am not going anywhere near the batter's box. Also you take someone like Troy Percival, who Vish tells me is nearly blind, I don't like my odds. Going over the middle doesn't sound too great either but at least you have a fair amount of protection.Vish: I'm going to take boxing out of the mix, because hands down there is no amount of money you could pay me to take a punch from some heavyweight fighter. So to me, the scariest thing to do in sports is skate with a puck for more than 3 seconds in the NHL. Going over the middle in the NFL sounds awful, but at least you know in your head that there is a good chance that someone will try to hit you as hard as humanly possible, and unless your QB has put you in a horrible position, you can generally brace yourself. A 100 mph fastball, an MLB player should be able to duck out of the way unless some pitcher is specifically throwing at them. Pole vault, Rutt did that in high school. Can it really be that bad? But there is absolutely no organization to hitting people in hockey. You have no idea where it's coming from, the guy hitting you is moving faster than an NFL player, because he's skating, and you fall on ice or you get hit into the boards, possibly even sending you through plexi-glass. No thanks!
Justin: My first instinct was having to jump to catch a pass over the middle in football and knowing that you're going to get destroyed. However, I also think it would be terrifying to be on a televised eating contest for something like butter, or raw meat - there's something horrifying about trying not to puke on television.
Steve: Fielding a very hard-hit ground ball on a poorly maintained high school baseball field with uneven dirt in the infield when you're not wearing your jock strap and cup because you left them in the washing machine from the night before.
Brian: Go to a Dodgers game wearing a #25 Giants jersey and/or not being Mexican (at the game I mean, but then again being Mexican is probably scary too).
Leo: I think your pole vault example/suggestion is interesting, because it just so happens that my father was a college pole vaulter and he was telling me stories about how back in the day before they started using hi-tech synthetic poles, they cheap ones made of some kind of wood that the pole would sometimes snap, impaling the pole vaulter. That is some scary shit. So is going over the middle in football. So is any kind of auto racing. My money though is "being part of the Wall during a soccer free kick." The fact that you cover your nuts because when it comes down to the physics of it, you won't have time to move your pelvis out of the way but that you don't cover your face, just blows my mind.
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