Today, we begin a new semi-recurring feature called "Suspending Disbelief". Here, I will examine movies which require ludicrously unnatural suspension of disbelief from the viewer. This is partially inspired by Min-Taik, whose hatred for the movie "Speed" is unrivaled. (He is extremely bothered by the physical impossibilities in the film, namely, the ability of a bus to make a 90-degree right turn at 50 mph simply by having everyone sit on one side of the bus. He may have a point.)
I begin with one of my favorite films of all-time, "D2: The Mighty Ducks", the famed 1994 sequel to "The Mighty Ducks". I also just saw this movie again at Ali's house, so it's disturbingly fresh in my mind.
A summary to remind the forgetful: Gordan Bombay (Emilio Estevez) coaches the USA in the Junior Goodwill Games. The assembled team of 13-year olds is comprised of a youth rec league team in Minnesota (the original Ducks) and five new ethnic stereotypes. 
Team USA plays fairly well, but Bombay loses his light-hearted spirit as corporate sponsors pressure him to become Pat Riley. The team loses 12-1 in pool play to Iceland, a bigger, rougher, faster team of 20-year olds coached by Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson (so nicknamed for his tendency to punch out people's teeth), one of the all-time great movie villains. After much goading from a fat fan (Kenan Thompson), the team rediscovers its passion in an intense street hockey game against oddly patriotic black and hispanic guys in South Central L.A. Bombay apologizes to his team for losing sight of sports' real goal (to have fun), and passes along the lesson to Adam Banks, who is stressed about impressing scouts, and playing with an injured wrist. The team, after learning not to counter Iceland's thuggish play with violence of their own, proceeds to band together to beat Iceland in a shootout in the final.
1. Even if there were a Junior Goodwill Games, the odds that the hockey event would command crowds of 15,000 and dominate the sports pages of USA Today (remember these kids are 13 years old) are 1 in 87 billion.
2. Accepting the dubious proposition that Team USA would be predominantly comprised of a local rec league team in Minnesota, it seems unlikely such a team would be a favorite to win. Neither does it make sense that Iceland is a dominant force - Iceland has won exactly zero medals ever in the Winter Olympics. Twenty-three years ago, they did pick up a medal in judo.
3. I'm sorry, black people do not play hockey.
4. And if any black people play hockey, they sure as hell don't do it in South Central L.A.
5. Either there are no age restrictions in the "Junior" Goodwill Games, or Iceland breeds the world's largest and oldest-looking 13-year olds in the world.
6. In one of the most blatantly racist sequences in the film, USA plays a HOCKEY TEAM FROM TRINIDAD & TOBAGO.
7. One of the new additions to the team is Olympic figure skater extraordinaire Kenny Wu from San Francisco. This is of course impossible, as Kenny Wu would be busy doing math.
8. About 60 absurdly flagrant penalties are committed in the games, visible to all players and all fans, yet are not whistled. Namely, checking guys without the puck.
9. Despite being from South Central L.A., Kenan Thompson somehow has enough money for front row tickets to every game, where he is close enough to taunt the team's then-only other black guy, the great Jesse Hall. 
10. The team changes uniforms before the third period. Well, um, okay.
11. At the end of the third period, Bombay devises a scheme where two players will switch uniforms. I don't know all the rules of hockey, but this feels decidedly less okay.
12. In the opening roller blading sequence, Joshua Jackson causes a construction worker to swallow about a gallon of cement. Thus, realistically, he would be unable to compete in the Goodwill Games, as he would be in juvenile court facing charges of reckless endangerment or potentially manslaughter two.
13. At the end of the film, Estevez proclaims "let's all go home", and they all fly to the same place, despite living in totally different cities.
14. Goldberg, who looks alternately Jewish and Hispanic during the film, somehow deceives a Rodeo Drive saleswoman into believing that he is the nephew of Aaron Spelling.
There's obviously a LOT more, but that's enough of this. I do still love this movie, but it asks for an all-time high in suspension of disbelief.
Ducks fly together.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Suspending Disbelief: "D2: The Mighty Ducks"
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16 comments:
Let's do a Mighty Ducks Marathon tonight.
i think the most unbelievable is the uniform change of the two players. not only is it uniform change, but since it's the goalie and a player, they have to change all their pads as well. amazing that iceland never saw that. also, in the same sequence, he gets passed the puck at his own blue line and skates really slowly to about center ice and scores to tie it just as time runs out. "it's knuckle puck time!"
I never understood how they could change the goalie pads in the span of one timeout.
Also, if I understand correctly, I don't think goalies can cross center ice in hockey.
Oh, one more quick hockey thing - I didn't think a player could precede the puck past the blue line - thus in the flying V, the first skater would always have the puck at that point, making the play extremely easy to defend. Again, not a hockey expert, so please correct me if that's wrong.
Julie the cat...she was a hottie.
As always..focusing on the important things.
I too had a crush on "the cat".
you are correct, the puck must cross the blue line first.
in another blatantly racist move, listen to the bullfighter-type music they play as they introduce luis mendoza.
also, as a native texan, i thought i should clear something up. i have never in my life ever heard anyone say "yeehaw."
You live in Houston, though. Yao lives there.
well, aaron spelling is jewish - so maybe that explains how goldenberg could plausibly be his nephew? i don't remember what happened in mighty ducks 1 - i was reading your entry, and all i kept thinking was, "didn't all this happen in the first movie?"
Catherine, I think someone needs to do a little Mighty Ducks marathon tonight.
"I'm sorry, black people do not play hockey."
My apologies for being over a year late to this post, but I agree with everything mentioned about D2 although I believe the above is an incredibly racist comment. While white people clearly dominate in the NHL, I guess you've never heard of players like Jarome Iginla, Kevin Weekes, Anson Carter, Willie O'Ree, Tony McKegney, Kyle Okposo, Grant Fuhr, Mike Grier, Donald Brashear, Nigel Dawes, Dustin Byfuglien, Georges Laraque, Jamal Mayers, Ray Neufeld, Bryce Salvador, Johnny Oduya or Ray Emery.
Granted, most of these players are from Canada or a cold weather American state (ie. Minnesota). And while I agree that you're probably not going to find any kids playing puck in South Central, it's more about economics vs. melanin. For more on my take on D2, please visit my blog at http://davegilderubio.blogspot.com/
Dave, thank you for the comment. I've heard of most of those players, and am well aware that they are black. All I was really intending to do was take a swipe at Disney's casting, as opposed to making a statement about the ability (or even the preference) for black kids to play hockey. To me, the joke is that even though black kids are not culturally inclined or encouraged to play hockey (I think even Anson Carter would agree), Disney wanted to incorporate hockey from "the streets" and thus cast a bunch of black people. I agree with you that there's nothing innate at work - in different climates, both physical and economic, a lot of black kids would play hockey, and surely many would be exceptional at it. Apologies that it offended, but I view it as a comical exaggeration of a rather accurate generalization: not a lot of black kids play hockey.
i love the d2:the mighty ducks begining when they get all of the ducks
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