Oftentimes, I like to say that this is not another identical blog that goes around saying everything and anything sucks and dropping f-bombs and just being generally negative. And that's still the case, only not today. Today, I will go over actresses who I think completely suck, and I will be very negative, and I will say mean things that my mother would not approve of. But that's okay, she doesn't have to know.
Brittany Murphy: This girl must have made a deal with the devil. That's the only conceivable answer to the question of why the media so badly wants to convince me she is hot. Who is behind this whole master scheme? The only realistic answer is the devil. However, I'm browsing imdb right now, and it appears that one of her post-production movies is "The Ramen Girl", (I kid you not), a "story of an American woman (Murphy) who's stranded in Tokyo after breaking up with her boyfriend. Searching for direction in life, she trains to be a ramen noodle chef under a tyrannical Japanese master." Imdb always says someone has like twelve movies in post-production, so I suspect "The Ramen Girl" is not a real movie. But if it is, she has an outside shot at redeeming herself in my eyes.
Kirsten Dunst: I feel like she's part of some kind of Hollywood charity outreach program.
Let me establish first what I think the job criteria ought to be for a mainstream Hollywood actress. First, be attractive. Second, be good at acting. How can you fail 2 out of 2 (that's 100% if you're doing the math at home) job requirements, and still get lots of great job offers? At no point in my life has a friend told me, "You know who's hot? Kirsten Dunst" and at no point has any girl ever told me, "if only I looked more like Kirsten Dunst". And if you want to contend she's a talented actress, I dare you to watch "Spiderman 3" with me. Ordinarily, I would be able to understand her curiously high level of fame under the "Every Generation, A Completely Mediocre Woman Needs To Make It So That Girls Feel Better About Themselves" theory, only I thought that spot was already taken by...
Drew Barrymore: I just want to say, to every girl out there who watched and liked 1998's "Ever After", I want to say that I hate you. Well, that's extreme, but just know that your enjoyment of that movie and Drew Barrymore had serious repercussions. Though she's been connected all her life and thus was able to
land supporting roles in high-publicity movies (Batman Forever, Scream), Hollywood executives didn't believe she had any real individual box-office clout until the modest overperformance of "Ever After". Suddenly she's in every girl movie ever made (Home Fries, Never Been Kissed, Charlie's Angels, Duplex, 50 First Dates, the other Charlie's Angels movie, and on and on) and being thrust in my face everywhere, on TV, magazines.
Now I didn't watch any of those movies (except 45 minutes of Charlie's Angels and about 4 minutes of Duplex - "What is this movie?Duplex? What's Duplex?") but those roles COULD have gone to someone hot! Why not Kate Beckinsale? SHE should be on more magazine covers! Why all this discrimination against hot actresses? I also dislike this whole "girl-next-door" label. That should refer to the girl you WISH lived next door, not some mediocre and untalented girl who actually could plausibly live next door.
Brittany Murphy: This girl must have made a deal with the devil. That's the only conceivable answer to the question of why the media so badly wants to convince me she is hot. Who is behind this whole master scheme? The only realistic answer is the devil. However, I'm browsing imdb right now, and it appears that one of her post-production movies is "The Ramen Girl", (I kid you not), a "story of an American woman (Murphy) who's stranded in Tokyo after breaking up with her boyfriend. Searching for direction in life, she trains to be a ramen noodle chef under a tyrannical Japanese master." Imdb always says someone has like twelve movies in post-production, so I suspect "The Ramen Girl" is not a real movie. But if it is, she has an outside shot at redeeming herself in my eyes.Kirsten Dunst: I feel like she's part of some kind of Hollywood charity outreach program.
Let me establish first what I think the job criteria ought to be for a mainstream Hollywood actress. First, be attractive. Second, be good at acting. How can you fail 2 out of 2 (that's 100% if you're doing the math at home) job requirements, and still get lots of great job offers? At no point in my life has a friend told me, "You know who's hot? Kirsten Dunst" and at no point has any girl ever told me, "if only I looked more like Kirsten Dunst". And if you want to contend she's a talented actress, I dare you to watch "Spiderman 3" with me. Ordinarily, I would be able to understand her curiously high level of fame under the "Every Generation, A Completely Mediocre Woman Needs To Make It So That Girls Feel Better About Themselves" theory, only I thought that spot was already taken by...Drew Barrymore: I just want to say, to every girl out there who watched and liked 1998's "Ever After", I want to say that I hate you. Well, that's extreme, but just know that your enjoyment of that movie and Drew Barrymore had serious repercussions. Though she's been connected all her life and thus was able to
land supporting roles in high-publicity movies (Batman Forever, Scream), Hollywood executives didn't believe she had any real individual box-office clout until the modest overperformance of "Ever After". Suddenly she's in every girl movie ever made (Home Fries, Never Been Kissed, Charlie's Angels, Duplex, 50 First Dates, the other Charlie's Angels movie, and on and on) and being thrust in my face everywhere, on TV, magazines.Now I didn't watch any of those movies (except 45 minutes of Charlie's Angels and about 4 minutes of Duplex - "What is this movie?
7 comments:
i think that might be the best picture of kirsten dunst ive ever seen. you cant even see her messed up teeth.
well i guess you can, but they dont look as bad as usual. haha.
i totally agree with this. i think hollywood executives put "average" girls into roles with the hopes of expanding the audience to women who will watch the movie and feel good that they might be able to replicate what they see on screen. call this the "pretty woman" syndrome, as exemplified by Julia Roberts, she of the horse mouth.
screw that.
take "knocked up" -- if a doughy unattractive guy can hook up with katherine heigl while maintaining believability and raking in box office success, then there is no reason to fall into the faustian trap of the "pretty woman" syndrome. no more deals with the devil. more hot girls for everyone!
did you have to pick the one of drew barrymore from when she was coked out and overweight and stripped for letterman? she's much better looking now. and thin too.
Yes, because that's relatively more representative of her appearance at her peak fame.
And also I am mean.
why cant rich register an account? enough with this anonymous business.
This was funny. I don't completely agree really, except for Brittany Murphy. Your list should be longer too. Hilarious non-the-less whether I agree or not.
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