Best Sports Stories Of 2007

I've often expressed my aversion to random list-making. Recently I've been all fired up about VH1's "100 Greatest Songs of the 90s", which has mostly been a ridiculously non-sensical list. I realize people ostensibly voted for the selections, but they make no sense with respect to what the popular music landscape was like in the 1990s. How could you not have a single song from Boyz II Men, Ace of Base, or Garth Brooks on the list? And if you argue it shouldn't be based on pure album sales, but artistic merit, then where is the Wu-Tang Clan or Nas? I watched this last week and just thinking about it still riles me up.

Nonetheless, I'm breaking my "no-list" rule at the end of the year, to bring you my favorite 2007 stories. I have no good reason for breaking the rule other than that I am doing it. Today, my 10 favorite sports stories of 2007.

10. "I'M A MAN!! I'M 40!!!!!"

If you're a sports fan, you might be tired of this Mike Gundy clip, but it still cracks me up, even now. For the unfamiliar, the Oklahoma State head football coach is furious with a reporter's negative column regarding one of the players. Angry that a child (a 22-year old "child"...who has a mother...a mother of children...) could be criticized in the newspaper, Gundy decided to lash back. There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said. Enjoy.



9. Michael Jordan Paints the Town Red

Someone basically walked me through how Michael Jordan hooks up with women in different cities. I've always read that the NBA is just this hotbed of anonymous groupie sex, which totally makes sense, but this all took on new dimensions when I learned exactly how someone like Jordan executes this. It's not the kind of thing I'm going to put directly in the blog, because it's of course all hearsay, and I don't want any trouble. But if you're interested (and, um, you actually know me), ask me separately. This is a GREAT story by the way. A GREAT story. I really want to emphasize the word GREAT, and would put it in 28-point font, but I don't want this page to look like a tacky MySpace.

8. Roger Clemens Goes Down In Flames

I'm so rarely right about anything that it feels especially fantastic to be right about his HGH use. I do feel bad for his children though, who all have names starting with the letter "K" (because a "K" signifies a strikeout in baseball, and Clemens has a Jupiter-sized ego, in case you don't follow sports but are somehow still reading this.) Their names are "Koby" and "Kacy" and "Kory". When they are much older, and people have forgotten about Roger Clemens, people will ask them, "Hey man, I've been meaning to ask you - why do you spell your first name like an idiot?" And instead of pridefully answering, "My father was the greatest pitcher of the modern era so I had to endure ridicule and misspellings my whole life", they will probably just cry like little babies. I wouldn't worry too much about them, though - at least they are filthy rich, which makes them swell people in my book! (FYI, the median wealth of "swell people" in my book is pretty high. But it's just a coincidence. No causation, as the social scientists like to say.)

7. Lamar Odom Makes The Play Of The Year

As a Lakers fan, no player is more frustrating than Lamar Odom. But then he makes incredible plays like these, and you remember what he is capable of.


6. Peyton Manning And The Kumars

Someone leaked these photos of Peyton Manning attending some Indian girl's Sweet 16 birthday party for $200,000 in cash, which led to a number of thoughts.

1.) Awesome.
2.) There is nothing Peyton Manning won't do for some extra cash, which is awesome. He's a "swell person" in my book, that's for sure.
3.) What kind of 16-year old girl wants to spend the money to get Peyton Manning? Why not Justin Timberlake, or Usher, or Hanna Montana?
4.) I love that even though he could have shown up wearing literally anything, Peyton Manning decided to wear a suit. He's just such a professional. You can't look sloppy for some random Indian girl's Sweet 16 party.
5.) I bet Peyton asked for all the attendee names in advance, and studied for like 3 days to make sure he could pronounce all those Indian names correctly. Don't want to look silly at the party or anything. Gotta make a good impression.
6.) You'll notice that Cedric the Entertainer is also at this party. That makes more sense, you know how 16-year old Indian girls love Cedric the Entertainer. That demographic pretty much drove the ticket sales of "Code Name: The Cleaner".
7.) Wow. Awesome.

5. Stephen Jackson Gets A New Tattoo

Basketball fans know Stephen Jackson as the incredibly talented and mentally tough Warriors swingman who likes to shoot guns at stripclubs and punch spectators in the face. Readers of this blog may know him as Leo's pick for "most likely athlete to be arrested for a homicide". Well, Stephen Jackson got a new tattoo this summer which should assuage Leo's completely irrational fears.

OAKLAND, Calif. -- Stephen Jackson reported to the Golden State Warriors' training camp Monday with a new tattoo covering much of his chest. With a church window as the background, two praying hands are inked on his sternum -- and they're holding a gun.

Yes, this is the same Stephen Jackson who will miss the Warriors' first seven games under NBA suspension for pleading guilty to a felony charge of criminal recklessness after firing an awfully similar gun into the air at an Indianapolis strip club.

"I pray I never have to use the gun again," Jackson said in explanation.

4. DrunkAthlete.com

The Jordan picture comes from one of the great developments of 2007, DrunkAthlete.com. It's pretty much just a set of pictures of drunk professional athletes. Sometimes they're not really drunk, like the Michael Jordan picture posted above, but there's some fantastic material on there. Like Steve Nash giving his mating call to the ladies.

3. Last Comic Standing: Phil Jackson

Phil Jackson is on pace this season to set some kind of coaching comedy record. Between his ridiculous interviews, his complete flaunting of league guidelines, his awesome red bow tie, and his league reprimand for cheap homosexual jokes, I now declare Phil Jackson my hero.

The Spurs made 13 3-pointers in their 107-92 victory on Tuesday night, and Jackson was asked if too much penetration was leading to open outside shooters.

"We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts," Jackson said. "It was one of those games."

Here is Master Phil mocking his own up-and-coming star, Andrew Bynum.



2. Kwame Brown Isn't Invited to My Next Birthday Party

The story in a nutshell (linked above): A random guy was walking past a bar with his 2-by-2 foot birthday cake (cost: $190) when Ronny Turiaf of the Lakers exited the bar. The man asked Turiaf to pose for a picture with him, and Turiaf agreed. Before the picture could be taken, Kwame Brown exited the bar, grabbed the cake, and threw it at this random guy, covering him in his own birthday cake. Then Kwame Brown ran into a white limousine and left the scene, while Lamar Odom's bodyguard started to beat up the cake-covered guy until Odom intervened and stopped the whole thing.

All of this led comedian Phil Jackson to quip, "Well it's natural that the cake would slip from Kwame's hands." I was talking to Justin about this - pretty much everytime a broadcaster talks about Kwame Brown in a game, they always bring up his "really small hands" or "Kwame has those tiny hands" and "sometimes he struggles to catch passes in traffic because his hands are disproportionately small". Seeing as how hand size is anecdotally joked about as evidence of...other body part size, do you think this infuriates Kwame Brown? It's a nonstop assault on his very manhood. I think that's why the whole cake thing happened. He has excessive aggression due to the perceived implications of his often-noted "miniscule hands".

1. Ballers With Randoms

The title of this Flickr album pretty much says it all. Ballers with randoms. And let me tell you, it is an absolute GOLDMINE of comedy. Technically, this wasn't really a "sports story" in 2007, but it really should have been. I'll post a few pictures here, but you need to click the link above and see this in its entirety.

FYI

I've linked to Vish's blog before, but because it's awesome, here's a more obvious link.

http://victornewman.blogspot.com

Steve's delightful musings can be found here:

www.xanga.com/kahunasteve

And Sara has just entered the blogosphere. I am going to up the pressure on her by promising that while this blog is in its nascent stages, you need to check it out because it is just going to be ridiculously awesome. HUGE.

http://sjlsblog.blogspot.com

Lastly Winston runs a food website, check it out if you are hungry.

www.foozoo.org

Okay that is all for now.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! I sprained my ankle in an unbelievably intense game of basketball. I was shooting the lights out (I might have been 1 for 12), when I landed awkwardly and then squealed in pain. I didn't even land on top of anyone, so nobody even feels unnecessarily guilty about it, which always happens with basketball injuries. Instead, I basically injured myself and just looked stupid. On the plus side, my semi-immobile status means there isn't a lot to do other than sit here and blog. There's always a silver lining.

My family has mostly stopped exchanging Christmas gifts, which brought my shopping to around zero. Sometimes we'll give each other food, but I don't count that, because we do that all year round. I have the world's worst memory when it comes to gifts. I don't remember what people got me, or what I got them. Like, I know if something I have was a gift, but it's hard to remember who it came from. There was one awkward moment where I gave Stephanie a DVD set of "The Office", only totally forgot that I had done that. Then when I visited her apartment I spotted the DVDs and said, "Awesome! You have 'The Office'!". Then Stephanie (obviously) replied, "uh yeah...you got that for me" and I had to scramble and pretend that I did know that. I don't think she really believed me, which is why I'm making it public now. Steph did get me something very nice this year (a book), so I have written her name in a black permanent marker on it, so that I remember she gave it to me. I have such a horrible memory.

We still get some cards at home even though we never send out any Christmas cards. Every year, after Christmas, my mom gathers all the cards in the house. Then, she writes all of those people a Happy New Year's card. In high school, I told my mom we shouldn't do that because everyone will think we forgot/didn't want to send them a Christmas card, and then had to send a belated New Year's card after the fact. She said this was nonsense, and that she simply didn't have time for it before Christmas, but that I shouldn't worry because nobody would think that. Well, every year when I come home, we have fewer and fewer Christmas cards. At least we're still outpacing Sara's family. She said they only got 4 Christmas cards this year, which is ridiculously low. I would bet even most of my Jewish friends got more than 4 Christmas cards.

I wonder when I'm older, what kind of Christmas card I'll send. A lot of families do the "family photo" Christmas card, which I don't really understand. Like, "Merry Christmas, this is what I look like." I mean maybe if you had lost 60 pounds that year, I could understand, but if you look just like you did the last year, it's not that exciting. Then some people like to send the long newsletter, like 2 pages on what their family has been up to. I'm not a big fan of that either, I think that's better suited for e-mail or a blog. The funniest ones to me are the ones that pretend to be a newspaper, only a newspaper devoted entirely to that family. Like, the "The Lewis Family Times" in some cheesy Word template. For a guy who doesn't send any Christmas cards, I sure do complain a lot. But I got several this year with personal messages, and those are always the best.

Anyways, hope you have a great Christmas, there'll probably be more from me soon, since I can't really move. And if you're thinking, "oh man, I didn't get Eric anything for Christmas", don't stress. Just click the ad on the side of my blog. That's all the gifts I need.

The Worst Song Ever

Due to the writers’ strike, I’ve been watching a lot more VH1 lately. Last night, I happened to catch songs 80-61 of “The 100 Greatest Songs of the 90s”. Now normally when I watch some retrospective on VH1, like “One-Hit Wonders” or “I love the 70s”, I have little to no clue what is going on. But last night, much to my chagrin, I recognized every single song. I need to invent some way to stop getting older. I guess Roger Clemens (vindication!) would say that it already exists, and is called HGH.

Anyways, one of the 100 Greatest Songs was Will Smith’s “Getting Jiggy Wit’ It”, a song that angers Richard to no end. He thinks it’s the worst song of all time, but that’s far from the case. Curiously, though, the worst song of all time IS by Will Smith, he just made it a couple years later in 1999. This song is so atrocious, I don’t even know where to start.

It possesses an absurdly bad chorus, sung by K-Ci of K-Ci and Jo-Jo “All My Life” fame. I’ve noticed devout Christians tend to be very big fans of “All My Life”. I often wonder if it bothers them that K-Ci likes to expose his genitals in front of kids. Must be one of those “like the art, don’t like the artist” sort of things. Anyways, here’s the chorus, reprinted in its entirety. Try not to get confused as you read.

Here it comes another year
Come on everyone, new millennium
Here it comes another year
Everyone, new millennium

As for the lyrics, Will Smith’s parts are so G-rated Sesame Street fans would be bored. The video, meanwhile, is an expensive disaster trip through time (presumably the millennium, although to Will Smith, the millennium seems to have started in 1929), flush with hilarious antics and “celebrity” cameos (Bill Bellamy! I guess Tommy Davidson and David Alan Grier were too busy). The coup de grace comes as Will enters “the future”, as he does this stomp-walk while wearing both a “futuristic” headpiece that eliminates all peripheral vision and a heavy metal jockstrap.

Here’s the glorious first verse, so you can rap along with Will:

Here it comes the party of a lifetime
31st of December
Man I remember when
the ball dropped for 90
Now it's 9-9, ten years behind me
What's gonna happen?
Don't nobody know
We'll see when the clock gets to 12-0-0
Chaos, the cops gonna block the street
Man who the hell cares?
Just don't stop the beat
No time to sleep, yo it's on tonight
K-C you feeling me right? (Yeah)
2-0-0-0, the Will 2 K
The new millennium, yo excuse me Willennium

And now ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the greatest moment of the Willennium, Will2K!


I dare you to name a worse song than this.

Tis The Season

Do you ever hear people ranting about how Christmas has become too commercial? I never grasped that question, because it’s not like there was a time when Christmas wasn’t commercial and we all just sat around pondering the complexities of matching important elements of Christianity to pagan holidays. That never happened. Certainly not in our lifetimes. Instead of complaining and wistfully remembering an era that never was, I prefer to bask in the now. I enjoy the decorations, the songs, the lights, the heavily discounted merchandise. All good stuff. What I don’t enjoy? Grumpy people. (Except Vish, that guy’s cool.)

I know there’s comfort in the familiarity of popular music, but isn’t it surprising that in the last 25 years, the popular music industry couldn’t produce a widely popular Christmas song other than “All I Want For Christmas Is You”? The whole industry bases itself off of creating pale imitations of a few original successes – it’s weird that this whole formula failed for Christmas music. Don’t get me wrong, I like that song a lot, but you would think they could make other ones.

It’s always good times when the ridiculous holiday commercials start airing. Counting down, here are my favorites:

5. JC Penney.

Have you seen this ad?
http://tunesontv.com/2007/11/17/jcpenney-christmasholiday-commercial-songs/
It's pretty elaborate, but the general idea is that a little girl decides she wants to build a rocket and go to space. Somehow, this should make me want to go to JC Penney. So far, I have not had the urge to go shop there. Weird, because the commercial ties to the store so directly.

4. The Lexus “December to Remember” ads.

You’ve seen these, right? Where one rich person gives their also rich spouse a Lexus with a giant red bow on it? There’s a lot that bugs me about these commercials. First, in all likelihood, these people have joint bank accounts. So unless it’s like the 1950s and Lexus believes in “Man sign checks, Woman wash dishes”, you would think that buying a freakin Lexus would need to be a joint decision – after all, you can’t just go back and exchange it. Surprises are for birthday parties, or haircuts. A Lexus feels like a joint decision.

Then there’s the red bow. Seriously? Do people really purchase Lexuses like this? Is it a better gift with the giant bow? Seems like it would be a pain to take off too. My absolute favorite is this one ad where people get this guy “crappy” gifts like a razor, or books, and the narrator says that this Christmas, maybe you should get yourself a gift, and they show this smug asshole walking out to the driveway to admire the new Lexus he bought for himself, again, probably without consulting his wife.

3. All the jewelry ads.

Maybe it’s just me, but there seem to be an incredibly high number of jewelry ads this year. There’s always a lot, but between Kay, Zales, Jared, and some local places, it seems like it’s more than I’ve seen in years past. What I find most ridiculous about these commercials is that evidently it’s not enough to get a woman a diamond necklace – you have to give it with panache. You have to like, construct a poem, or eat a lot of chicken so you can make her pull a wish bone just so you can jump in at the right moment and “wow” her. (The wishbone one is my favorite, by the way – what was the guy going to do if his wife pulled the small bone? Eat another whole piece of chicken and try again? Rich’s favorite is this Zales commercial where kids are having a snowball fight and they all stop because they see the dad has a bag from Zales, prompting the Vanessa Carlton music to start. “Like those kids even know what the fuck ‘Zales’ is.”)

2. Sorry, more jewelry ads.

As ridiculous as the Kay and Zales commercials can be, nothing compares to the Jared commercials. Do these commercials run in your TV markets? Basically these commercials are built around OTHER WOMEN hearing that a guy went to Jared Jewelers, and getting all envious as a result. A typical commercial goes like this:

Woman #1: “Did you hear? Brian went to JARED!”
Woman #2: “He went to JARED?!?!”
Woman #1: “He went to JARED”
Woman #3: “Did I just hear you guys say Brian went to JARED??!?!”
Woman #2: “Yes, he went to JARED”
All 3 Women, simultaneously: “EEeeeeee!!!!!”

At least the Kay and Zales commercials sell the idea that if you get your wife or girlfriend jewelry, she’ll love you more/remember that she loves you. The Jared commercials explicitly go after the angle that buying your wife jewelry will make HER FRIENDS JEALOUS, which in turn is what makes her happy, not that she loves you in any way. The cynical among us might be like, “uhh…well….that’s true, you know?”, and to that I say, touché. But it still seemed like a quantum leap in the jewelry commercial world.

1. Citi Credit Cards.

There’s this absurd ad where a guy, maybe 20 years old, is shopping for his mom’s Christmas gift. He looks for a while, can’t figure what he likes, so ultimately decides to buy HIMSELF a suit, which is apparently the greatest gift mom could ask for. Then he brags that he looks great in his new suit. In the future, this is going to be my move whenever someone asks why I didn’t get them a gift. “Oh, I’m sorry – but you know what I did do, I bought myself a big steak dinner! It was delicious!” Also, in order for the commercial to make sense visually, the guy doesn’t take the tag off his suit (so we know that’s what he bought with his Citi credit card), and just looks like a complete moron wearing a suit with a tag on it. As a last comment, how all of this advertises effectively for Citi credit cards is highly, highly dubious.

Quick Links

The TV writers' strike continues, and I'm starting to quiver in fear. Word is they're getting close to a resolution, but if it doesn't come, and networks run out of new episodes, I'm going to demand federal intervention. Bring on the strikebreakers. The landscape of reality TV is looking pretty grim, other than perennial all-stars The Amazing Race, which this year has an Asian woman and her pops, and Ryan Seacrest's hot ex-girlfriend (what? so he's not gay?) and Project Runway, which thus far has been hysterical. If you're not down for that, allow me throw in yet another plug for the greatest television show of all time (for both genders and all ages!), Friday Night Lights.

I don't normally comment on blogs that aren't written by my friends, but Freakonomics had a post about the relative power of labor unions in the NFL and MLB (the post was actually pretty lousy), so I had to respond. I left a brief but insightful comment, and noticed later in the day that I was the "Comment of the Moment" on the front page. Probably as famous as I'm ever going to be, so now is the time to capitalize with the ladies. The only difficulty is finding ladies who care. Minor technicality.

There was a fascinating story in the Wall Street Journal (subscription might be required, I'm not sure) about Larry King getting defrauded by a life settlement company. Life settlement is a rapidly growing and immensely creepy industry. Basically, what these firms do is buy your existing life insurance - they give you cash up front, and pay the remaining premiums on your life insurance. When you die, they collect the face value of the insurance. Meaning, of course, that they are rooting for you to die as quickly as possible. A pretty unsavory business to be in. Larry King, for his part, somehow sold $15 million of life insurance for only $1.4 million (despite being a 70-year old diabetic who has undergone triple bypass heart surgery), then also somehow paid $700,000 in commissions and fees, so after tax and his own attorney fees (that attorney should lose his license), he got nothing. I'm not sure what this means other than that Larry King may not be the brightest bulb in the box.

I have a RSS feed on my Google homepage from People.com. It feeds whatever the highest ranked news stories are, and I'm always baffled by what the highest ranking stories are. For instance, for the last several days, Hulk Hogan's divorce has been the #1 most read story. Really? Hulk Hogan's divorce? There was like a 2-week span where Brooke Burke and David Charvet's baby was the top story. There wasn't even a freaking baby - her publicist just said she was pregnant. I'm surprised they even qualified as celebrities. We need some real stuff to happen. Maybe OJ could go kill someone else. I hope I don't really mean that.

Finally, I leave you with an incredibly inspiring feature from the Onion News Network about a fat kid who devised a brilliant way to go into the swimming pool without being mocked - he kept his shirt on while swimming! (Honestly, this clip completely killed me - you have to watch it).

The Panel Of Genius: November, Part Two

This is Part Two of November's "The Panel of Genius", an expert panel assembled to opine on random sports-related questions thrown their way. If you missed Part One, catch up now.

With the success/dominance of the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics, how much do you despise Boston right now?

Leo: You know, I like the Patriots a lot, despite the fact that they have a future Republican president taking their snaps. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I've always felt like Bill Belicheck is Michael Jordan of coaching...someone who operates at such a high level that the work they do in their position transcends the combined work of everyone else on the opposing team. Michael Jordan, despite being a shoot-first guard, was able to win 6 championships because he was just so much better than everyone else that nothing else mattered (much of this of course has to do with the fact that Michael Jordan was an NBA basketball player during the absolute lowest talent point of the league in the last 20 years, but I digress). I also have to admit I cheered the Red Sox during their 2004 season because I wanted to see them beat the Yankees and I felt sympathy for their team and fans. And I love Ray Allen's jumper. But the answer to your question is "a lot." Those smug sons of bitches.

Ali: The teams of Boston I hate quite a bit (with the exception of the Patriots who have the potential to make me a little cash this winter.) The city of Boston, kind of tired of their shit. Not really sure how to explain it but they just bug the crap out of me. The last thing to come out of Boston that made me happy to know they are part of our great nation is "The Departed", and even that they stole from the Chinese. I don't know where I am going with this anymore, but if the Celtics take the title this year after the Pats win the super bowl, I might have to forever ban ESPN and PTI from ever being watched in my home.

Vish: I do hate Boston, but not more so now than before. It's hard to hate something more than I already hate Boston. The Red Sox won (I'm still mad at Cleveland) but the Patriots and Celtics have yet to really accomplish anything. Plus I cant hate the Patriots any more than I already do. I worked the Chargers-Patriots playoff game last year and the amount of grown men I saw who were all gladly willing to get on their knees and deep-throat Tom Brady was enough to make me sick for a lifetime. Plus, I'm not convinced that they will win the Super Bowl this year [ed. note: Really? I am.]. As for the Celtics, sure they are off to a good start, but they are still old, and they still play in the east, which only really has 2-3 good teams. Maybe if they consistently beat the Spurs, Mavs, Rockets, etc. from the west, then I'll buy in to the hype. But for now they are nothing more than the NBA equivalent of Boston College. Start off hot, make everyone think they are for real, then fade into obscurity, and prove that they were a sham. However, I would really be shocked if the Boston Bruins started winning.

Brian: I don't even want to waste my time answering this fucking question. How much more of my life has to be spent looking at highlights and clips of Boston sports? I hate Boston and everything that comes out of that turd of a city. I hope someone drops a fucking bomb on that fucking city and does the US a favor. I seriously think I hate that city more than anything else right now. My feelings of hatred for Boston are stronger than my feelings of racism towards random groups of people who I won't mention here. But anyways, yes I fucking hate that city and I hate everyone that lives there, roots for their teams, and has that stupid fucking accent. Sit down and die already city of Boston. Its not really the city but just the Red Sox. I hate the fucking Sox. They've won twice in 4 years or something but they fucking act like they've won 26 championships (Yankees). They won twice in 4 years sure. But they've also won twice in 80+ years. Just sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. I dont like the Sox because they act like they are the greatest team in the history of baseball when they are just the best team in the past few years.

Justin: It's not so much that I despise Boston. It's more that I despise the smugness of Boston fans, starting with one of my favorite sportswriters, Bill Simmons. Simmons used to be great - he was fresh and different, and his columns always offered refreshing takes on sports, pop culture, etc. Now all his articles are either 1) whiny defenses of why it's still okay for him to love Boston sports or 2) pompous, self-congratulatory rants about how great his teams are and how they are going to win the championship, and really, he doesn't mind that you hate the Sox and the Celtics and the Patriots, because they're going to win. Just by writing this, it's clear that he desperately wants you to love his teams too.

Boston fans are like the guy who was a loser in high school, so tried a little bit too hard to be liked, and made things awkward so people liked him even less. Over time, some people started feeling sorry for him. Then he won the lottery and decided to throw lavish parties to rub it in everyone's face. Only that guy is still a little insecure that he doesn't have any real friends, only people who hopped on the bandwagon and pretend to like him because he's rich. He pretends he's okay that some people hate him for being an ass, but deep down inside, he's just scared to wake up and find himself a loser again.

Also, I hate Boston because McHale gave Garnett away to the Celtics for a crappy package, just because he used to be a Celtic. Instead of letting Magic own part of the Lakers, wouldn't the Lakers be better served asking Magic to go buy another team so that he could make crappy trades that benefit the Lakers?

What's the best nickname in sports, current or past? Also: what would your nickname be?

Ali: Chocolate Thunder...for both.

Justin: Tough question. I'm going to go with Pistol Pete Maravich, just edging out Dr. J. I like Human Highlight Film, but it's too long to roll off the tongue. Pistol Pete just describes the way he played so perfectly.

My nickname would probably be "Little Yi." This is because I am Asian and no one would be able to tell us apart, other than the fact that I am 14 inches shorter.

Brian: The best nickname in sports is indicted/accused/charged ___________ (fill in the blank). Games are the meat of the sandwich, sure, but the toppings and condiments that give sports flavor is what happens off the field. Sports are soap operas for men. The kinds of trouble that these grown men get into is hilarious and I love seeing young rich men ruin their lives before they're 30.

Leo: My nickname would be "looked better during the warm-up." I haven't really thought of my favorite nickname, but I will say that I exceedingly enjoyed calling Olowakandi "Kandi Man" and Jason Williams "White Chocolate."

Vish: My nickname in little league was "Lightning." On one play, while I was at first, the ball got past the catcher, and went to the backstop, the catcher went back to get it, picked it up, looked over at my team's dugout (he was friends with some players on my team, like my brother and a few others) THEN threw the ball down to second base TO STILL throw me out in my attempt to steal. I then walked back to the dugout to see my brother and all of the other, older, players on my team laughing hysterically. So for the rest of the season, I was "Lightning". So I'm gonna have to go with that as my sports nickname. I would like to mention that I feel like im a little faster now, and if I were to race down a basketball court with almost anyone that we play basketball with these days, I wouldn't lose by more than a few steps. Unless you're some freak of nature that likes to run, like David Hill.

Best of all time? "Shoeless" Joe Jackson. New nicknames like Hibachi or the Black Mamba or whatever the hell athletes want to call themselves these days are all wack, so they don't even get considered. For a nickname to really be great it has to almost take the place of the player's real name. So take Joe Jackson, who was a great player in his day, but if I were to ask baseball fans what they thought of Joe Jackson, most people wouldn't know who the hell I'm talking about. Throw in "Shoeless" and 9/10 DO know who I'm talking about, and that lone dissenter is an idiot. You gotta always account for idiots. William "Refrigerator" Perry and Adam "Pacman" Jones are right up there for the same reasons, but I personally like Shoeless better because it means that the guy loved his sport enough to play barefoot, as opposed to the guy who loved to eat so much he looked like an appliance.

What would you say is the scariest thing to have to do in sports? (i.e: face a 100 mph fastball, go over the middle in football, pole vaulting, etc.)

Ali: I am going with the fastball. After seeing Randy Johnson mess up J.T. Snow's hand and face and then he destroyed that bird, I am not going anywhere near the batter's box. Also you take someone like Troy Percival, who Vish tells me is nearly blind, I don't like my odds. Going over the middle doesn't sound too great either but at least you have a fair amount of protection.

Vish: I'm going to take boxing out of the mix, because hands down there is no amount of money you could pay me to take a punch from some heavyweight fighter. So to me, the scariest thing to do in sports is skate with a puck for more than 3 seconds in the NHL. Going over the middle in the NFL sounds awful, but at least you know in your head that there is a good chance that someone will try to hit you as hard as humanly possible, and unless your QB has put you in a horrible position, you can generally brace yourself. A 100 mph fastball, an MLB player should be able to duck out of the way unless some pitcher is specifically throwing at them. Pole vault, Rutt did that in high school. Can it really be that bad? But there is absolutely no organization to hitting people in hockey. You have no idea where it's coming from, the guy hitting you is moving faster than an NFL player, because he's skating, and you fall on ice or you get hit into the boards, possibly even sending you through plexi-glass. No thanks!

Justin: My first instinct was having to jump to catch a pass over the middle in football and knowing that you're going to get destroyed. However, I also think it would be terrifying to be on a televised eating contest for something like butter, or raw meat - there's something horrifying about trying not to puke on television.

Steve: Fielding a very hard-hit ground ball on a poorly maintained high school baseball field with uneven dirt in the infield when you're not wearing your jock strap and cup because you left them in the washing machine from the night before.

Brian: Go to a Dodgers game wearing a #25 Giants jersey and/or not being Mexican (at the game I mean, but then again being Mexican is probably scary too).

Leo: I think your pole vault example/suggestion is interesting, because it just so happens that my father was a college pole vaulter and he was telling me stories about how back in the day before they started using hi-tech synthetic poles, they cheap ones made of some kind of wood that the pole would sometimes snap, impaling the pole vaulter. That is some scary shit. So is going over the middle in football. So is any kind of auto racing. My money though is "being part of the Wall during a soccer free kick." The fact that you cover your nuts because when it comes down to the physics of it, you won't have time to move your pelvis out of the way but that you don't cover your face, just blows my mind.

The Panel Of Genius: November, Part One

You've been waiting for it - The Panel of Genius is back! In case you missed the panel in August, you can hear their musings here and here. This time around, the panel consists of Steve, Vish, Ali, Justin, Leo and Brian. A fine group indeed. Well let's stop pussyfooting around and get to it - here's part one of two!

Pretend Yao Ming isn't married. Who does better with the ladies - Yao Ming or Yi Jianlian?

Steve: Yao Ming. To get laid just for being a celebrity, you have to be a celebrity. Who's Yi Jianlian? Someone who isn't going to get ass because girls suddenly started digging 7 foot asian guys they've never heard of.

Brian: Jeez they're both ugly motherfuckers. I guess I'll go with Yao because he has been in this country longer and therefore probably knows how to interact better with American ladies. But like I said those two are some ugly motherfuckers.

Ali: I am going to go with Yi. First and foremost he is more hood. I remember when the scouts were talking about him and how easy a transition he would have to American lifestyle. What is the first thing they reported about him? He listens to hip-hop. See, he speaks the language of the gold digger that is waiting outside the locker room, real talk. Next, let's look at the competition he is facing on his team. He has to compete with Charlie Villanueva (he has no eyebrows), Andrew Bogut (goofy down under bastard), and Dan Gadzuric for ladies...in Milwaukee! He's probably killing them over there. Yao on the other hand is more or less screwed. He has to compete with T-Mac (baller on and off the court, albeit rather tired looking), Rafer Alston (who is still pulling ladies from his "Skip to my Lou" days) and Dikembe Mutombo ('nuf said).

Vish: At first glance this question is an easy answer for Yi. Yaoza is not a good looking man. but he is an all-star, and that's got to help. I'm gonna say Yao right now purely based on skill, but in 2 years, if Yi isn't the NBA's Ryan Leaf, then Yi in a landslide.

Leo: Not overthinking it, its pretty intuitive that Yi is the younger, more athletic, more handsome, better built, edgier, less Chinese-Frankenstein-ish, easier to understand of the two. Moreover, Yao really only has 1. height and 2. better basketball skills going for him. So I don't think this is a very close call. Even if we biased our lady sample and chose players on the Chinese National Women's basketball team as the prospects, I still think Yi sleeps with more women. In fact, I don't think you start to see a Yao majority until you define your population as "Chinese National Women's basketball team players who seek men that kind of remind them of their stiff father they kind of got to know and appreciate before they were plucked away by their government."

Justin: Yi. Even though Yao is more famous in the US, Yi has that goofy grin going. Yi is tall enough so that he can convince the ladies that he is, in fact, an NBA player, and he just seems to exude that "I'm a good guy, don't be scared of me" attitude. I bet he has a good sense of humor too. (The other possibility is that he's actually an imbecile.) Yao looks like a caveman, and women don't pick men based on fadeaway jumpers.

If I told you that last week, a current professional athlete killed someone, who is your first guess as to who it is?

Vish: NBA: Kobe Bryant. He's already a rapist [ed. note: no], I dont see being a murderer as that far of a stretch. NFL: Obviously, Adam ["Pacman"] Jones. MLB: Jeff Kent. Would you welcome him, and his porn stache, into your home? I think not. NHL: Dominik Hasek. With 100% certainty, that man is part of the mafia.

Ali: Ask me two years ago I would go with either Mike Tyson or Ray Lewis. Now I think Roger Federer. Either he's going to snap because no one outside of Bud Collins and four Swiss people know who the hell is or he does it just to see if he can get away with it because he is that damn methodical. You know, this may have already happened.

Justin: This is a 5-way tie between Steven Jackson, Albert Haynesworth, Ron Artest, Milton Bradley, and Latrell Sprewell. There are probably some hockey players that I'm leaving out here, but I don't know any hockey players and hockey isn't a real sport. I'd also believe Pedro Martinez just because he's so mean. If I heard that the athlete was found happily eating cake over a dead body, then I am changing my answer to Kwame Brown.

I never really understood why people thought Zach Randolph is crazy. The quotes from his high school coach (about being happy every day he wakes up and Zach is not in jail) are interesting, but he's never really had any incidents that I know of. [ed. note: Randolph punched teammate Ruben Patterson in the face in 2003, was cited for underage drinking his rookie season, battled a sexual assault complaint from a stripper in 2006 (it was dismissed due to lack of evidence) and was pulled over for racing cars in a 20 mph zone. Petty stuff for the NBA, but FYI.]

By the way, the least-likely player to do this is Yi. Please scroll up and look at the picture of his goofy grin.

Brian: It has to be Ray Lewis. Come on, I mean hes already murdered two people and gotten away with it. It's only a matter of time before that beast strikes again.

Leo: This is a fantastic question. Stephen Jackson jumped so quickly to my head I'm not sure I want to even think this one through. Well on second thought, it would probably be either an NFL lineman, or an NHL player.

You're starting an expansion baseball team. Your payroll is uncapped. Would you sign A-Rod? What if your payroll is only $100 million?

Justin: If my payroll is uncapped - absolutely. Best player in the game. If my payroll is $100M - probably not. I try to get Miggy [Miguel Cabrera], then put him on a strict no-burritos diet. I then pay someone to spread vicious rumors about A-Rod so that he cries himself to sleep every night and chokes in the playoffs.

Steve: Hell yes, and probably yes. If you didn't sign him for 30 mil a year, what could you get instead? Would two 15 million dollar players help you win more than him? Or three 10 million dollar players? I'm sure there are enough good-enough low-price players like Kenny Lofton and Reggie Sanders to fill the gaps.

Leo: 1. Is A-Rod hands down the best baseball player in the league? Yes.
2. Do I believe that A-Rod will continue to be the best or one of the very best players of the league during the bulk of the contract he will he potentially sign with me? Yes.
3. Will I benefit financially if A-Rod breaks Bonds' record while he is on my team? Probably.
4. Is a A-Rod a bitch. Yes.

So in conclusion, if my payroll is unlimited, sure why not. Part of what makes baseball baseball and not a second tier sport made up of third tier athletes is its history and having A-Rod means buying a significant piece of that history. If my payroll is 100 mil, well obviously having A-Rod will neither ensure my team is a World Series Champion nor that my team will ever make the playoffs, so, in that case, probably not.

Ali: The answer is no to both. That tool doesn't deserve the money he makes. For starters I think athletes are grossly over paid, but that I guess can be saved for another panel. In the meantime the only way I see spending that much on any one person in sports is if you are guaranteed to play in a title game that year (Jordan in the 90's) or you are going to at least be competitive every year (Peyton or Brady fill that role). A-Rod hasn't won dick in the playoffs and most likely never will because his personality is ass and he knows nothing about team chemistry.

Vish: No. With a high priced player like Rodriguez, in order to field a winner, you'd need players in situations like Jake Peavy of the Padres. Good, young, signed to a long term deal, so he's relatively underpaid. With players like him you can field a very good team and not pay that much. But as an expansion team, you won't have those players who were signed really young. The only players you'll get from the expansion draft are players that are old with big contracts or prospects that aren't expected to be big time players. So you'll pretty much have to create a starting lineup through free agency. This year's class is pretty weak, but even with that, in order to create a starting lineup from that group, you'll have to move some players to new positions and you'll likely spend a good 150M just on those players. No way that team could make a profit, because the payroll would just be too high, especially since a new expansion team won't have their own network and the revenue that comes from that. Selling out would help, but it won't be enough. The only way I would consider signing Alex Rodriguez is to pay him his $30 million, but only pay the rest of the team like $10 million combined. With a small payroll like that, the prospects of a new team with a marquee player MIGHT be enough to get attendance up high enough to cover what you're spending.

Still reading? Stay tuned for part two!

Rock The Vote

This poll taken at NYU has been making the rounds, about whether you’d sell your right to vote. Twenty percent of people said they would sell their vote in the next presidential election for an iPod Touch, 66% of people said they would sell their vote for a free ride at NYU, and 50% of people said that would sell their vote forever for a million dollars. I’m curious to know what others think about this, but to me, these numbers are staggeringly low.

Granted, $130,000 (roughly the post-tax present value of four years at NYU – pre-tax we’re talking like $200,000) doesn’t buy what it used to, but I’m mystified that one-third of these students wouldn’t sell their ONE vote in this one election for that sum of money. I mean, 50% of people in that age group aren’t going to vote at all, implying they value the vote at less than the gas and time it takes to get to the polls.

Imagine how ridiculous this sounds if I frame it this way. Say you didn’t submit an absentee ballot, and were just planning to go to the polls after you got off work at 6 pm on Tuesday. It’s 5:59, you close your Google Chat windows, and start packing up your things to head to the polls. Then, right as you’re about to leave, your boss suddenly pops into your cubicle.

“I’m sorry, we need to get this presentation out tonight. I need you to stay until 9 pm.”
“Hey fuck that, fatass, I don’t get paid overtime.”
“Oh. You’re right, that’s a fair point.”
“Damn right it is, fatass.”
“Okay, how about to compensate you for the extra 5 hours, I give you a $200,000.00 bonus right now?”
“Hm, that sounds fair. I’m sorry though. I really can’t stay and take that $200,000.00. I need to go vote.”

I realize I slightly exaggerate with that example, because it’s more than you just don’t vote. By selling your vote, the buyer could theoretically vote for ANYONE! Then they might elect someone who passes a law that says Grape Nuts are mandatory breakfast, lunch and dinner! But realistically, that’s not going to happen. For a total freak candidate with scary views to buy enough votes to make this happen, he’d have to buy around 50 million votes. Multiply that by $200,000 per, and he has to spend TEN TRILLION dollars to get elected. Or, as it shows up on my calculator, 1.0E13. 1.0E13 is a whole lot of dollars, more than most total freakjobs have sitting in the bank. And even if this mystery person has the capital to pull this off, he/she still has to deal with Congress and the Supreme Court.

Personally, I think I’d sell my vote for $100. Realistically, I might even do it for less, but let’s stick to round numbers. Frankly, even though I fully intend to vote, there’s probably a 20% chance that I don’t, whether I forget, or the weather’s really bad, or I have to work late. For most of you who read this, you’re probably the same way. So, considering that there’s a 20% chance I would essentially give up my vote for nothing, it seems like the asking price shouldn’t be that high. So all you NYU students can enjoy all the moral satisfaction you get from being an upstanding citizen. I, meanwhile, will enjoy the delicious satisfaction of my filet mignon and poached lobster dinner.

I grant that there are other mitigating factors here when it comes to the survey. Some of those students are likely on considerable financial aid packages, and thus receive less “money” in the vote sale. Others surely think that their parents pay for their education, and selling a vote for free tuition is akin to selling your vote for no money, assuming that none of the savings trickle down. And some of the NYU students probably don’t know how to read, did not know what they were choosing, and just wanted to check a box to avoid the humiliation of being exposed as illiterate in front of all the cool kids.

Nonetheless, I find the poll results insane. People should think about this stuff before they vote in these polls, because voting is really important. You can’t just make a reckless decision.

Clickety Click

Just a quick reminder to keep clicking on that banner ad on the side. If you want more entries, remember that nothing motivates quite like money.

Grape Nuts

All around me, the signs of old age are flashing. I can't watch MTV. I don't like this guy. I like wearing wool sweaters. I go to Costco and buy Metamucil in bulk. Maybe not the last one, I won't say for sure, it's too personal.

The latest sign that's been on my mind is my choice in breakfast cereals. Long gone are the days of colorful, exciting cereals with cool shapes and meaningless nutritional content. The only cereals I used to eat as kid that I would even consider eating today are Corn Pops and Apple Jacks, and even then, not so much. And you can forget about stuff like Rice Krispies Treats cereal or Cookie Crisp. (Seriously, I cannot believe that the FDA would approve of Cookie Crisp. Whoever thought of this "cereal" was an evil genius - "let's sell a cereal like Frosted Flakes - only with one minor change - all the flakes will be cookies! Awesome!" Come on now, that's not a freaking cereal, that's a big bowl of cookies. That's like feeding a little kid crack!)

I've long since advanced to the next tier of adult cereals - Smart Start, Blueberry Morning (which is just delicious), Great Grains, etc. At least I've managed to not eat the truly fogey cereals, like (unfrosted) shredded wheat, or worse, Grape Nuts.

Grape Nuts has got to be the worst cereal in the history of the world. I can be prone to overstatement at times, but seriously, Grape Nuts is horrible. They had pretty good commercials, and decent packaging, so one time as a kid I got a box of Grape Nuts at the supermarket. I was feeling good - at last, I had advanced to adult cereals. And it was going to be delicious to boot! Man, was that a mistake. Unbeknownst to me, the cereal doesn't even taste like grapes! Or nuts! Honestly, it really doesn't taste like anything at all. Except for crap. It does taste like crap.

The taste itself is only "very bad", but what puts Grape Nuts in the Eric Ma Food Hall of Shame is the texture. A bowl of Grape Nuts is like eating a bowl of gravel rocks. I think I chipped three teeth just trying to eat it. I immediately switched to a different cereal, and just left the 90% full box of Grape Nuts in the kitchen cabinet. This past summer (9 years later), my mom was cleaning out the cabinets we never clean (you know you have some) and asked me why we had a box of Grape Nuts with a 1999 expiration date. I didn't know what to say. The only thing that came to mind was this line I sadly heard on MTV's Emmy-award winning "Yo Momma": "Yo momma is so stupid she thought Grape Nuts was an STD." I mulled this over, and decided not to relay that zinger to my mom.

Since I'll probably never give in to Grape Nuts, it seems the logical course of culinary destiny is oatmeal. My mom eats oatmeal in full force, and several years ago she forced my dad to stop eating toast and instead eat these giant bowls of oatmeal. Now whenever I'm home, I suffer the same fate. I have to eat this ridiculously large amount of oatmeal, which throws off my schedule for the entire day. It's like some weird form of immersion therapy. Oatmeal immersion therapy.

Just To Balance Out R. Kelly

There's a lot less real talk in this clip versus the R. Kelly one. Hopefully that's okay.

Corinne Bailey Rae, John Legend and John Mayer at the 2007 Grammys. I'm not generally a big John Mayer fan, but the trio is fantastic together.

R. Kelly - Real Talk

I have no words. (Caution: some profanity. And lots of real talk.)

Play Magazine

I'm a big fan of the New York Times' "Play" magazine, a sportsmagazine that is published every couple months and is entirely free online. It offers the kind of writing that's hard to find in Sports Illustrated these days and is literally impossible to find in ESPN the Magazine. On the plus side, ESPN the Magazine puts the odds that A-Rod will move to Louisiana and make voodoo dolls of Derek Jeter at 7:2, so I guess that's quality journalism.

Chuck Klosterman (one of espn.com's few remaining quality writers) did a fantastic piece on Gilbert Arenas. My favorite excerpt follows:

"Arenas performs a specific routine whenever he shoots free throws: after getting the ball from the ref, he whips it around his back three times, dribbles twice and then releases it skyward. This is his free-throw ritual; all players have one. But what’s interesting is one of the reasons Arenas once gave for its creation: “Kids always want to see something and then copy it. Kids started to copy [the free-throw style of] Richard Hamilton when he made it to the playoffs for the first time. So I said, I might as well make my own up.”

What Arenas is essentially admitting is that he constructed an elaborate ritual in order to look cool. It has nothing to do with winning or losing (or even free-throw shooting); he just thought it would be cool to have little kids mimic him on the playground. It’s an honest explanation of his motives: he deliberately created a way to be idolized by strangers. Yet this is the kind of motivation athletes never admit to. Arenas’s professional vanity is so straightforward it inevitably comes across as charming and childlike. Everyone in the NBA dreams of playing in the All-Star Game, but very few openly lobby for the opportunity; in the 2003-4 season, Arenas traded two pairs of shoes and a jersey for a box of All-Star ballots and voted for himself 50,000 times. He openly admits doing this (he claims it took him a month to cast all the votes). In theory, such behavior should define him as a narcissistic jerk. It does not. It merely makes it seem that, of the 430 guys in the NBA, he’s the only one who isn’t lying."

Michael Lewis (of Moneyball, The Blind Side and Liar's Poker) has a great piece on the life of an NFL kicker. In one part, he spends a few days with Colts' kicker Adam Vinatieri.

"A kicker in the NFL can be one of two things: the bland technocrat who does what he's assigned to do but who, even when he's exceptionally good, must accept that the coach and the team will be credited for the victory. Or he can be the little choke artist who is very nearly entirely responsible for the loss. For a kicker in the NFL, as the NFC executive put it, there is no upside.

Which brings me to the reason I sought out Adam Vinatieri: he is the exception. Obviously many kickers managed to get to the end of their careers as something other than a goat. But no one else has used the position to become a hero. Vinatieri discovered the upside. He's the highest-paid kicker in the game, making $2.4 million a year, but he's much more than that. He has kicked his way through some kind of glass ceiling; he has shattered the emotional barrier between football hero and kicker. He's like the first woman in outer space, or the first black man on Wall Street."

I only wish "Play" came out more often - in today's nonstop SportsCenter "Fact or Fiction" "Buy or Sell" ten-second opinion extravaganza of sports "news", "Play" feels very much like last real attempt at serious sportswriting.

I concede it can be heavy-handed at times ("Okoyoke Mboyokekokayari is just like you and me. Except he can run the mile in 3:45. In snow. And unlike you and me, he was born without legs. Or arms. Or eyes. And he has no teeth. He breathes through his one nostril, the other permananently damaged in a sardine factory accident. And he has no TV. Or CB radio. Running the mile is his only refuge from the real world, which cruelly insists that he must have hands and a face to be hired into any "real" job. Yet onward he runs..."). But generally, the good outweighs the bad, and in most issues, I've found a piece that's nothing less than extraordinary.

Nielsen Ratings

"The ratings system is the most bogus thing in this country," TNT's Charles Barkley says between bites of a sandwich. "It's like the BCS. I've been living for 44 years and I have never met a person with a Nielsen box. Never. And when you are black and you have money, you get a lot of people coming around you."

Ever wonder how television ratings work? You might be surprised to learn how small the sample size is - the so-called "Nielsen box", which records and transmits your TV viewing to produce ratings information, is only attached to 5,000 televisions in the country. Although I'm younger than Barkley, I too have never met or even heard of anyone with a Nielsen box.

Television ratings matter, especially to me. My favorite shows invariably seem to be teetering on the brink of cancellation, from "NewsRadio" to "30 Rock". It's of little consolation to me to hear people say things like, "I got 'Arrested Development' on DVD - I love this show, I wish it didn't get cancelled". I'm tempted to snarl back, "maybe if you watched it while it was on, it would still be around."

But of course, that doesn't make any sense. (Which is why I don't say it). If you don't have a Nielsen box, and don't fill out Nielsen surveys, you could watch all my favorite shows religiously and it wouldn't make any difference. I continue to tell everyone I know that they have to watch "Friday Night Lights", only even if I got everyone I ever met to watch it, the ratings literally would not move an inch.

Supposedly Nielsen regularly changes the 5,000 TV sample set, and measures the discrepancy between samplings to assess if they are getting an accurate cross-section of American TV viewing. Without getting into the statistics of it, I will just say that I have my doubts on the reliability of a 5,000 TV sample meant to represent 100 million TV sets. John McEnroe once had a talk show that received a 0.0 rating. Which would imply that no one in the whole country, even McEnroe himself, bothered to tune into the show. As lousy as I'm sure the show was, that can't possibly have been the case.

My buddy Rob did get solicited to be a Nielsen survey user when we were much younger. He didn't have a box, but he was supposed to write down what he watched in a journal and send it back. I think he actually did, because otherwise it's hard to believe FOX would keep airing "Sliders".

Just know that if I ever manage to become part of the Nielsen sample, I will revolutionize television. If anyone out there knows how I can become part of the sample, please let me know. Let's make this happen.

Holiday Reorganization

With Thanksgiving coming right around the corner, I thought I'd offer some quick thoughts on reorganizing the holiday calendar. In 4 years, when I control the universe, I will make the Wednesday before Thanksgiving a holiday. I'm willing to move either Columbus Day (which is really a nonsense holiday), Martin Luther King Day (a holiday I inexplicably have not had in 7 years) or Presidents' Day to make this happen.

For people who have to travel, Thanksgiving weekend is one of the most stressful times of the year. That's not what holidays should be about - they should be about food. If you don't travel, maybe having that day off from work or school will inspire you to go somewhere exciting. If you don't have a job and aren't in school, maybe you should consider not being a leech sucking the lifeblood of society.

The ideal day to move would be Columbus Day, assuming you get Columbus Day as a holiday. Columbus Day is ridiculous, why do we have a special day to honor this guy? Some dude convinced people to give him a bunch of boats, other people did all the work on the boat, a ton of people died, he had no idea where he was going, and then accidentally ran into some land that is not presently nor ever was part of the United States. He's falsely credited with "discovering" that the Earth was round - most educated people already knew that, and weren't scared you might "fall off the edge of the map." And then all the people Columbus found, he made into slaves. 500 years later, we have a parade for this guy? If Columbus gets a parade, then I get a parade. I'm going to start thinking of what the Eric Day Parade will involve. I can tell you right now that it will involve tigers. Tigers are badass, son.

The reason I'd want to move Martin Luther King Day (assuming everyone stayed impossibly devoted to this Columbus idiot) is not to be disrespectful. It's only because there really shouldn't be a January holiday, we're pretty well rested after December. In fact, I think moving MLK day to a different time of year would cause more employers to honor it. Everyone wins.

The same logic applies to Presidents' Day. I don't even know when Presidents' Day is, and I'd be willing to bet that more than half of America wouldn't know without consulting a calendar. I'm not as averse to honoring Washington or Lincoln - at least they were presidents of this country, not 500-year old Italians. If anything, I'd really want to move this day to March, when I'm more in need of a break.

You might be wondering why I'm limiting myself to these options - after all, if I run the universe, can't I just add a holiday? Why not push the envelope? I'll let Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock) explain:

"Oh, God, 'push the envelope.' You know who uses that phrase? People who don't have the guts or brains to work inside the system -- letter-writers, radicals, Howard Dean."

When I was a little kid there was this episode of Garfield where Garfield becomes president and creates "Funday", a day between Tuesday and Wednesday solely devoted to having fun. You would eat out, ride rollercoasters, watch television and eat lasagna. Even as a young child, I saw the flaw in Garfield's plan. In order to go to the amusement park, people must actually be working at the amusement park, and therefore, not have fun on Funday. Garfield is so dumb.