Many Thanks

To everyone who has clicked on the banner ad on the right side of the blog, I say "thank you". My revenue is all the way up to $0.79.

Soon I will be like Scrooge from Ducktales, swimming through my pool of gold coins.

I Got Served

The e-mail server went down today at work, which meant I had to call this third-party IT manager to get our system back up and running.
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"Hello, this is Lisa. How may I help you today?"
"Hey Lisa, my name is Eric Ma, I work for blah blah blah. Our system is down, we can't send any e-mails."
"Okay, I'll be happy to help fix the problem Mr. Ma."
"Great."
"What is the unit?"
"What?"
"What is the unit?"
"What?"
[Pause]
"Sir, in order to process this claim, I will need the unit."
"What - what is a unit?"
"Sir, what is the problem you are experiencing?"
"The server is down, I can't send any e-mails."
"Okay, I'm forwarding your request to a technician."
"Okay."
[Pause]
"I just need one thing before I forward this on - what is the unit?"
"What?"
"Sir, the technician will need to know the unit before he can process the ticket."
"I don't think I know what a unit is - what is a unit?"
[Pause]
"Please hold while I transfer you."
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"Hello, this is James, customer service - how may I help you?"
"Hey James, our e-mail server is down."
"Okay, we'll get to work on that right now."
"Thanks - do you need the unit?"
"What?"
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Nothing was embellished here. Word for word. Except "James". It sounded like he said "Thames", but that's just not a name.

Miscellaneous Monday

I have a lot of half-written blog entries, based on ideas that I initially think merit a full entry. Then I make one joke and realize I really have nothing else to say. Since today is a slow day inside my brain, let's just clean up all my half-ass entries and a few other spare thoughts.

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I absolutely love this whole Senator Larry Craig story, I find everything about it completely hilarious. Especially his claim that he adopted a "wide stance" and "leaned forward" because he was having what the Mexicans call "problemas" on the toilet. In college, Rich once told me that in fact one should do exactly the opposite when faced with such "problemas". I asked him how he knew this, and he said he had a friend who "knows about these sorts of things". I always wondered who this was.

Some people were surprised a conservative anti-gay senator would try to have sex with other dudes in a public restroom, but ever since Chris Kattan announced his engagement (to a woman!) I've come to accept that anything is possible.
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Why is it an outrage than Apple dropped the iPhone price by $200? If I make something, I should be able to sell it for whatever I damn well please. And I should be able to change my mind on that whenever I damn well please. If you agreed to buy the iPhone at $599, that meant you wanted the iPhone more than you wanted 599 dollars. You experienced what economists call "consumer surplus". Apple gave you a fair deal. You know how I know it's fair? Because you bought it, that's why. If it were "overpriced", you wouldn't have gotten one. Whether other people get it months later for less has no bearing on the fairness of the original economic trade.

People need to shut up. Apple shouldn't have to give anyone anything. They already did those people a favor. They gave them a product they would have paid more than $599 for, but only asked for $599 back. But as usual, whiny bitches get rewarded.
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I find mayonnaise really gross, but if you add some food coloring and call it aioli or "special sauce", then it's all good.
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If you like tennis, I can instantly name about 42 states I am 100% sure you do not live in. Roger Federer just won the U.S. Open, concluding a tournament with the best U.S. Open total attendance in history. And the highlights struggled to even crack the first 30 minutes of that night's SportsCenter. SportsCenter would rather air "Fact or Fiction: Stuart Scott has no friends" than show tennis highlights. Unless you live or are from a coast (and not like, the Gulf Coast), nobody, and I mean nobody, cares at all about tennis. What a shame. Oh, and in case you're curious, that is a FACT, Stuart Scott does not have any friends.
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Beef is so absurdly delicious, I got to wondering how much they would have to charge for beef for me to stop eating beef. $20 a pound, I'm definitely still eating beef. $30? $40? Even at $100 a pound, I think I would still at least occasionally have some beef, like to celebrate a special occasion. It's just too damn good. What is your beef price point? I can't decide what mine is.

How could a non-religious person be a vegetarian? It boggles the mind. Once my cousin Bryce randomly decided to become a vegetarian, ostensibly for health reasons. I didn't see him for a few years, and when we met again he was no longer a vegetarian, he said he missed beef too much. In related news, Bryce also had long hair during this phase. His family refuses to display pictures of him from this time period, which makes sense to me, if the reason is the vegetarian thing.

Fan Club T-Shirt

Vish has taken the liberty of designing various fan club t-shirts to help spark interest in the official fan club. I'll be unveiling his awesome designs sporadically. Here's numero uno, note the centerpiece of the design, a wrecked Honda Civic. I've never wrecked a Honda Civic before, but that doesn't make the shirt less freaking cool.

All the Kool Kids will be wearing this, like, all the time, so try to avoid being humiliated as the only kid not to have one. Like when I was a kid and I never saw Jurassic Park and didn't really know what people were talking about and would just say things like "yeah, dinosaurs" to cover up my lack of understanding. Humiliating.

Remember, one year of membership in the Official Eric Ma Kool Kids Fan Club is only $37.95! This special deal won't last forever!

The Way to Happiness

Recently, I was alerted to something called "The Way To Happiness". Some foundation in charge of "The Way To Happiness" has been producing and airing a bunch of commercials with curiously bland messages, like "Be Competent" and "Fulfill Your Obligations" and my personal favorite inspiring PSA, "Support a Government Designed and Run for All the People". Really.

I learned that "The Way to Happiness" is a 21-precept moral code. Here are all 21 principles: (1) Take care of yourself (2) Be temperate (3) Don't be promiscuous (4) Love and help children (5) Honor and help your parents (6) Set a good example (7) Seek to live with the truth (8) Do not murder (9) Don't do anything illegal (10) Support the government designed and run for all the people (11) Do not harm a person of good will (12) Safeguard and improve your environment (13) Do not steal (14) Be worthy of trust (15) Fulfill your obligations (16) Be industrious (17) Be competent (18) Respect the religious beliefs of others (19) Try not to do things to others that you would not want them to do to you (20) Try to treat others as you would want to be treated (21) Flourish and prosper.

Did you get all that? If I were to write up a list for what it would take to be a "good Asian kid", this is almost exactly the list. I was so freaked out while reading through the 21 points I assumed this must have been written by the Chinese newspaper or something. It's literally only missing Precept #22 - Be a doctor.

So naturally I checked to see who wrote it, and to my surprise, this was not written by my mom. Turns out this is a pamphlet written in 1981 by L. Ron Hubbard, and is very widely distributed by none other than the societally-maligned Scientologists. According to Wikipedia, "The Way to Happiness" is meant to be a bridge between broad society and the Church of Scientology.

So in conclusion, what I learned today was that when Scientologists intersect with mainstream society, the results are Asian parents. Fascinating. I leave you with an inspiring PSA from The Way to Happiness Foundation. Fulfill your obligations!

Sprint Watched You As A Child

Check out this new-ish Sprint commercial. I saw this before the last couple movies I've seen, and on TV a few other times.



I find this commercial stylish, creative and mind-blowingly stupid. What did you dream of as a child? Space travel? Time travel? Or MAYBE you dreamed of a cell phone with photo and music capabilities, you borderline retarded and bizarre child!

What the hell? I don't know what kind of psychotic childhoods the people at Sprint had, but I most certainly was not dreaming of cell phones with photo and music capabilities when I went to sleep. I mostly dreamt of being a basketball star, or flying, or Corn Pops.

The most insulting thing about this is that the narrator changes tense and perspective, suddenly going from asking me questions to knowing me as a child. Creepy. "That was your dream" he says, after expounding on various cell phone capabilities. "And with the magic of Sprint, it all came true." What a comforting thought. I did not become an astronaut. I failed to travel in time. But thanks to Sprint, my childhood dreams have been realized. Thanks Sprint, you're the bestest!

I'm unclear on why they even went this route with the ad, which attempts (badly) to connect Sprint cell phone service with childhood nostalgia. Childhood nostalgia is for like Oreo cookie commercials. Cell phones with streaming content are what non-morons call "technology". You should either show the features (iphone, Music Hunter) or show tech-savvy-not-but-absurdly-dorky people involved with the product (Verizon guy, Cingular Asian guy during NCAA tournaments).

I'm done ranting about this. I'm really not, but everything else I want to say is just some variation of something I've already said, so it's time to stop. Sprint sucks.

Fatties and Fan Clubs, Revisited

Some quick follow-up to recent entries:

Celebrity Fan Clubs: Judging from the lack of responses, I take it that no one was ever in an official celebrity or band fan club as a child. Well, today is your lucky day, because I've decided to remedy your obviously pathetically lacking childhoods. For only $37.95, you can get an annual membership to the "Official Eric Ma Kool Kids Fan Club". Your membership will include:

(1) The official "Official Eric Ma Kool Kids Fan Club T-Shirt". I'm working on the design, but rest assured, it will be official.
(2) VIP access to all Kool Kids events, where you can meet other Kool Kids!
(3) VIP preferred seating at my "Learn To Be An Investment Banker" Workshop. "Kool Kids" get to sit in the front row. Because that's where the kool kids sit.
(4) My digits.

Membership is limited, so join today - this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to fill a gaping hole in your youth. Don't let the opportunity pass you by.
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Seems like a lot of people aren't too enamored with fatties. I left out my biggest pet peeve with fat people, which anyone who works in an office building should agree with. Nothing is more irritating when you're in the office than the one-floor elevator move. If you're on the 24th floor and not carrying a large box or wearing heels, getting on the elevator at 24, and getting off at 23 is just plain ridiculous. It's especially absurd for fatties. In my perfect world, fatties wouldn't be allowed to take the elevator. Win-win.

Sara also mentioned to me that she went to the DMV, and the place was filled to the brim with fatties. Even though this was northern California, I've had the same experience every time I've been to the DMV in San Pedro, California. I tried thinking of explanations, and came up with the following:

(1) This is just a coincidence
(2) Sara and I both hang out at "thin people" places, but since everyone drives, you can't avoid fatties at the DMV
(3) Fat people register more cars
(4) Fatties are worse drivers, and have more things to handle at the DMV, such as repeated driving exams
(5) There are a lot of thin people at the DMV, but fat people just obstruct them from view

I'm not entirely satisfied with any of these explanations. It may of course be some combination of all of them, or I might be missing something entirely. I am convinced, however, that it's not just a coincidence, it happens to me every single time.