My Brush With Fame

One of the blogs I frequent is the Steven Levitt – Stephen Dubner “Freakonomics” blog, inspired by the book of the same name. A couple weeks ago they did a Q&A session with Jim Cramer. If you’re not in the finance world, you still know Jim Cramer – he’s the short ranting lunatic you see above the stock ticker when you channel surf past CNBC. I never watch his show or anything, but if you work in finance it’s hard not to know who he is. A video below to help inform the curious – he turns into a stark raving lunatic (even for him) around the middle. I love how awkward he makes it for the reporter in this segment.



Anyways, his introduction for the Q&A on “Freakonomics” included this quote:

"On the show, I say stupid things, yell “Booyah” with alarming frequency, and occasionally wear a diaper or jump into a pile of lettuce to illustrate the finer points of investing. God knows why, but there seems to be a market for this kind of idiocy."

Although he professes to be something of a societal misfit, that quote almost suggests he’s not truly insane, but puts on a show because that’s what the public wants, and that’s what makes him money.

So in light of this “claim”, I’d like to share my personal story with Jim Cramer. It was a standard night at Citigroup, I got off work around 10 pm and was standing in line for a black car to go home. Suddenly this bald midget in a suit and tie storms across, with a look on his face like someone just slept with his wife. He wasn't really a midget, but looked like he was under 5’2”. As he got closer, it seemed he was making a beeline right for me. Had I slept with his wife? The bald midget continued to approach, and noticed me a moment too late, and bumped me hard in the hip.

“Hey man, watch where you’re going”, I said.
“NICE quarter,” responded the midget derisively. He shook his head in disgust at me, and stormed off down the block.
What? Nice quarter? What the hell is he talking about? At that moment I recalled that Citigroup had announced earlier that day that it would miss its quarterly earnings projections by 2 cents a share. But even so, why would some random guy tell me that? It’s 10 pm, I’m just some 23-year old kid, what the hell? Ow, my hip kind of hurts.

The people in front of me in line noticed what had happened, and started to chime in.
“What was that all about?”
“What did he mean, ‘nice quarter’?”
“I think he means Citigroup missed earnings today,” I suggested.
“What? Who the hell says something like that?”

At that point, a fairly important Citigroup employee at the front of the line looked backed at us and said, “You know who that is, don’t you?”
“No, who was that?”
“That’s that lunatic who yells about stocks on TV – Jim Cramer.”
“OHHHHHHHHHHH – whoa.” Silence.

I then stepped back and took measure of what had just transpired. Jim Cramer, current television celebrity and future insane asylum patient, had consciously walked past an inconveniently located Citigroup building, and made a point to insult random junior Citigroup employees for their "poor" performance, many of whom did not even comprehend his attempted insult. Amidst all this brilliance, he rammed his shoulder into my hip, and because I bruise like a peach, I could see the effects for a couple days.

Jim Cramer is insane.

Did Somebody Say...McDonalds?

Do you guys still eat at McDonalds? Ali asked me about this the other day, and I realized I hadn't eaten there since August 2005, which was creepily specific, but nonetheless true. So I've now gone two years without once eating at McDonalds (excluding the time last month I got a Powerade there for 49 cents).

Two years marks the longest period in life I have gone without eating a meal at McDonalds, and I don't miss anything from their menu. I don't like their meat, their cheese, their buns or their toppings. If I want a burger, I can't imagine why I would ever go to McDonalds over In-N-Out or Shake Shack or 1000 other burger places. I used to eat their Chicken McNuggets, but then they made this horribly misinformed decision and eliminated all the "dark meat" nuggets, which, as anyone I trust with regards to food will tell you, are the only ones you really want. In fact, if I made a list of every fast food place out there, McDonalds would only beat out Hardees and possibly Burger King.

Stuff like "Super Size Me" and "Fast Food Nation" isn't really what turned me off to McDonald's, though I admit it doesn't help. I do think for the level of damage you're doing to your body, more deliciousness should be required.

Even their massive advertising budget has ceased to have any effect on me. As a kid, McDonalds had some classic advertising, like the Michael Jordan/Larry Bird game of horse. And Grimace, the purple blob that can't talk, but don't get me started on that. Now it's just a slew of crap, much of it painfully attempting to be hip. I cringe all the time at McDonalds commercials these days. The worst ones I ever saw were the various "rap" songs promoting McGriddles, showing people (who would get their ass beat if they looked that corny in those neighborhoods) devoting their day to eating McGriddles. Eventually this gave way to the marginally less stupid "a woman is like a McGriddle" metaphor commercial where this bitch totally eats this guy's McGriddle without even asking him, forcing him to go buy another one. Unfortunately I can't find any of these commercials online, because generally, nobody bothers to post terrible commercials. Except for this one.

This isn't an anti-McDonalds manifesto, really just wondering if anyone else stopped eating there.

Talking To Myself: Movies

Eric: Eric, I hear you have left California again. Will you miss it?
Eric: Yes, it's a shame, I love it out there. But now I'm in Washington, DC and while I will miss the superior weather, hamburgers, and attractive women, I will have the opportunity to learn a lot more about our nation's government. So it's pretty much a wash.

Eric: Your civic focus is indeed admirable. Now let's talk movies. Seen anything recently?
Eric: I saw the newest Harry Potter with Rich last week. I gotta say, I just don't get why people love these movies, especially people who don't read the books. This movie was especially bad, it was like 2 hours of exposition. The kid who plays Harry has only two expressions, scared and scared-but-determined. I never get all the talk about how dark and layered these movies are; I happen to think they're very superficial. Rowling's books are long, and chock full of detail - the movie is a rushed-but-also-numbingly-slow glance at what seems like 100 different characters. And Harry isn't growing meaningfully, other than two minutes devoted to un-illustrated nightmares and him being bitchy with his friends. Without real character development, all we have is an episodic TV show where Harry always escapes death in the end. Anyways, I'm done watching these movies. No need to try to convince me otherwise.

Eric: Well, I won't try, since as you know, I agree with nearly everything you ever say. Care to comment on any other summer movies?
Eric: Spiderman 3 was loaded with unintentional laughs. The woman seated next to me even left before the movie ended, causing another eruption of laughter in the theater. I love that Kirsten Dunst's role was that of a bad actress. How convenient to be able to play yourself in a movie.

Eric: You're being very negative. When Tobey Maguire was crying out that couples should work through their problems, I was honestly moved to tears.
Eric: That is because you are an idiot.

Eric: Fair enough. Any recommendations?
Eric: If you're willing to watch a documentary, "Hoop Dreams" (1994) is about as good a movie as I've ever seen. It's long, but I promise it's worth it. It nominally chronicles the lives of two inner-city Chicago kids chasing a dream of basketball stardom, but that description doesn't do the film any justice. Some people more versed in movies describe this a bit better.

Eric: You know I'm not watching any documentaries. I want a fun recommendation.
Eric: You're such a simpleton. Well, how about "Out of Sight" (1998), Steven Soderbergh's take on Elmore Leonard's story of a bank robber who falls in love with the US Marshal (Karen Sisco, in case anyone ever saw that TV show) he kidnaps. It's baffling to me that "Ocean's Eleven" could be so popular while this other Soderbergh movie is so unknown. The movies share a certain comic sensibility, and the material is heightened by an electric, hilarious cast including George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez (this was pre-J. Lo, she was really very appealing then), Ving Rhames, Don Cheadle, Steve Zahn, Isaiah Washington, Catherine Keener and Albert Brooks. It has an astounding 92% fresh rating on rottentomatoes.com, plus a pretty cool cameo from everyone's favorite Batman, Michael Keaton. I'm sure you'll like this, I don't know anyone who doesn't.

Additionally, here's my favorite movies each year from 1994-2004, plus one movie whose popularity baffles me. Why that time period? I don't have to explain myself to anyone, so there.
1994
Favorites: Hoop Dreams, Shawshank Redemption, Quiz Show
Baffling: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective - I just don't think I get it. Some moments are mildly amusing, but I fail to see why this is an iconic film for my generation.
1995
Favorites: Se7en, Usual Suspects
Baffling: Babe - I guess every now and then an animal movie has to be a hit.
1996
Favorites: Swingers, Shall We Dance, Jerry Maguire
Baffling: Twister. I cannot think of a single good thing about this movie. It was 1996 when I first learned that people will watch anything if it's marketed well.
1997
Favorites: L.A. Confidential, Good Will Hunting, Wag The Dog (I often wonder if I am the only person to like this movie a lot)
Baffling: The Full Monty. Yet another universally "hilarious" movie I think is mediocre.
1998
Favorites: The Truman Show, Rush Hour, There's Something About Mary. 1998 is an incredible year for movies. The year includes Rushmore, The Big Lebowski, American History X, Pleasantville, Gods and Monsters, Dark City, Elizabeth, Saving Private Ryan, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and the previously mentioned Out of Sight.
Baffling: The Waterboy. This was the beginning of the end for me with Adam Sandler. Like, I should not have to pay theater prices for production value this low.
1999
Favorites: The Sixth Sense, Being John Malkovich, Toy Story 2
Baffling: The Mummy. I'm not above big special-effects blockbusters, but this just wasn't anything special to me. Oh, and I obviously despise The Blair Witch Project.
2000
Favorites: The Contender, High Fidelity (sad what's happened to Jack Black, isn't it?), Crouching Tiger
Baffling: None of the popular stuff really disgruntles me, the closest being Erin Brockovich and Scary Movie
2001
Favorites: Shrek, Black Hawk Down, Ocean's Eleven
Baffling: Lord of the Rings. I hear Dave Ruttenberg loves this movie though.
2002
Favorites: Adaptation, Bourne Identity, About a Boy. 2002 was sort of a thin year for movies, as I looked at the list I even considered putting Far From Heaven on here.
Baffling: My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I think maybe I needed to be 45 years old to appreciate this fully.
2003
Favorites: Mystic River, Big Fish, 21 Grams
Baffling: Hard to pick anything.
2004
Favorites: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Incredibles, Maria Full of Grace
Baffling: National Treasure. To all the people who told me to watch this, insisting it wasn't as stupid as the preview made it appear, I just want to state officially that this is a really stupid movie.

Okay, if you've made it this far, you deserve to have a say in my next "Suspending Disbelief" entry, where I go into incredible detail on the improbability of a given movie. Here are the choices: Drumline, Speed, Above the Rim, Independence Day. Voting at the top right.

I Live On Another Planet

So, raise your hand (or leave a comment) if you're familiar with the sweeping sensation that is the "Pirates vs. Ninjas" debate. Because I apparently do not live on Planet Earth, and I had never heard of such a thing. This would not be the first time major situations escaped my watchful notice.

I had noticed that since the "Real Ultimate Ninja" thing someone showed me in college once that ninjas seemed to be more prevalent in popular culture. I've briefly seen that "Ask a Ninja" thing on YouTube, and there's that absurd restaurant in New York where you spend too much money to get served sushi from guys dressed like ninjas. And, apparently, people keep watching "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequels even though you know they're going to suck. So my awareness of pirates was, I suppose, also slightly elevated.

A few days ago, I got another Facebook application invite. Before I get to what it is, I need to digress for a little bit. If you have like more than 6 Facebook applications, you seriously need to think about cutting back on that. Considering that I sit around writing blog entries about "D2: The Mighty Ducks", I ordinarily wouldn't judge what you do with your life. But if you're 25 years old, and you think a good way to spend your free time is to send your friends messages saying that you threw a piece of pizza at them in a fake internet food fight, I would suggest re-evaluating things. I mean, even if you threw a piece of pizza at your friend in real life, it would be dicey and hard for people to accept at your age. What are you doing, wasting good food like that? Or imagine if people still used the telephone, and you called your friend and said, "I have turned you into a zombie." If you're really that bored, you could try reading. They still make books, you know.

Anyways, the application invite I got from Jessie was to join the Ninjas side in the ongoing "Pirates vs. Ninjas" battle. Not being from Planet Earth, I thought to myself, "What the hell is this?" and chalked it up to Jessie having an absurdly slow work day. But when I mentioned it to Ali, I quickly learned that I was living under a rock, as he began explaining how important this debate is to some people (not including himself).

Although I'm late to the game here, I'd be remiss if I used up this many words without offering a personal opinion. It is an awfully capitalist world we live in. Pirates have treasure and gold coins. In a physical fight, they would win because they would be able to buy additional mercenaries to fight. In the metaphorical fight for success in the capitalist world, well, pirates, easily. So sorry Jessie, I couldn't add myself to the Ninjas application on Facebook.

In case you're wondering, I've decided to make this another first-round matchup in the "Who's NOW?" tournament. There's a new poll on the side of the blog. If you're thinking, "Wait a minute, does that mean in the second round it will be your mom versus pirates? That doesn't make any sense at all!" - well, fair point. I haven't really thought this all through.

Quick Item On Michael Vick

I'm going to say everything I have to say on the outrage over Michael Vick and the alleged dogfighting pretty quickly. First, I think dogfighting is awfully cruel, I would never do it myself, and I would hate for my future children to be in any way involved with it. Second - what is worse to you - beating up your spouse, or arranging a dogfight at your house? What is worse, getting a DUI after driving 100 mph on the highway after 7 drinks, or arranging a dogfight at your house? If you follow sports at all (and athletes off-the-field incidents), you know exactly what I'm getting at.

If your answer to either of those questions is the dogfight, we are not thinking on the same plane, and on a relative basis, I place much higher value on human life than you do. That is all I have to say about this topic, I hope it disappears as soon as possible from the press.

Who's NOW - Results

I took the poll off the page because it was causing problems with some people's browsers, but I'm here to report that with a whopping 57% of the vote, my mom has been deemed more "NOW" by you, the voting public. Total number of votes - 19. So really, my mom only won by 3 votes.

Suspending Disbelief: "D2: The Mighty Ducks"

Today, we begin a new semi-recurring feature called "Suspending Disbelief". Here, I will examine movies which require ludicrously unnatural suspension of disbelief from the viewer. This is partially inspired by Min-Taik, whose hatred for the movie "Speed" is unrivaled. (He is extremely bothered by the physical impossibilities in the film, namely, the ability of a bus to make a 90-degree right turn at 50 mph simply by having everyone sit on one side of the bus. He may have a point.)

I begin with one of my favorite films of all-time, "D2: The Mighty Ducks", the famed 1994 sequel to "The Mighty Ducks". I also just saw this movie again at Ali's house, so it's disturbingly fresh in my mind.

A summary to remind the forgetful: Gordan Bombay (Emilio Estevez) coaches the USA in the Junior Goodwill Games. The assembled team of 13-year olds is comprised of a youth rec league team in Minnesota (the original Ducks) and five new ethnic stereotypes. Team USA plays fairly well, but Bombay loses his light-hearted spirit as corporate sponsors pressure him to become Pat Riley. The team loses 12-1 in pool play to Iceland, a bigger, rougher, faster team of 20-year olds coached by Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson (so nicknamed for his tendency to punch out people's teeth), one of the all-time great movie villains. After much goading from a fat fan (Kenan Thompson), the team rediscovers its passion in an intense street hockey game against oddly patriotic black and hispanic guys in South Central L.A. Bombay apologizes to his team for losing sight of sports' real goal (to have fun), and passes along the lesson to Adam Banks, who is stressed about impressing scouts, and playing with an injured wrist. The team, after learning not to counter Iceland's thuggish play with violence of their own, proceeds to band together to beat Iceland in a shootout in the final.

1. Even if there were a Junior Goodwill Games, the odds that the hockey event would command crowds of 15,000 and dominate the sports pages of USA Today (remember these kids are 13 years old) are 1 in 87 billion.
2. Accepting the dubious proposition that Team USA would be predominantly comprised of a local rec league team in Minnesota, it seems unlikely such a team would be a favorite to win. Neither does it make sense that Iceland is a dominant force - Iceland has won exactly zero medals ever in the Winter Olympics. Twenty-three years ago, they did pick up a medal in judo.3. I'm sorry, black people do not play hockey.
4. And if any black people play hockey, they sure as hell don't do it in South Central L.A.
5. Either there are no age restrictions in the "Junior" Goodwill Games, or Iceland breeds the world's largest and oldest-looking 13-year olds in the world.
6. In one of the most blatantly racist sequences in the film, USA plays a HOCKEY TEAM FROM TRINIDAD & TOBAGO.
7. One of the new additions to the team is Olympic figure skater extraordinaire Kenny Wu from San Francisco. This is of course impossible, as Kenny Wu would be busy doing math.
8. About 60 absurdly flagrant penalties are committed in the games, visible to all players and all fans, yet are not whistled. Namely, checking guys without the puck.
9. Despite being from South Central L.A., Kenan Thompson somehow has enough money for front row tickets to every game, where he is close enough to taunt the team's then-only other black guy, the great Jesse Hall. 10. The team changes uniforms before the third period. Well, um, okay.
11. At the end of the third period, Bombay devises a scheme where two players will switch uniforms. I don't know all the rules of hockey, but this feels decidedly less okay.
12. In the opening roller blading sequence, Joshua Jackson causes a construction worker to swallow about a gallon of cement. Thus, realistically, he would be unable to compete in the Goodwill Games, as he would be in juvenile court facing charges of reckless endangerment or potentially manslaughter two.
13. At the end of the film, Estevez proclaims "let's all go home", and they all fly to the same place, despite living in totally different cities.
14. Goldberg, who looks alternately Jewish and Hispanic during the film, somehow deceives a Rodeo Drive saleswoman into believing that he is the nephew of Aaron Spelling.

There's obviously a LOT more, but that's enough of this. I do still love this movie, but it asks for an all-time high in suspension of disbelief.

Ducks fly together.