Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, jaah?

'Nuff people say, you know they can't be-lieve, Ja-mai-ca, we have a bob-sled team.

Last night, I finished watching the Nuggets-Mavs game, and was tidying up around the apartment, getting ready to sleep. It was 1:45 am, going to bed was the obvious move. But of nowhere, TBS throws a wrench in my plans - they're airing "Cool Runnings", the 1993 classic "retelling" of the 1988 Jamaican bobsled team.

"Cool Runnings" has "D2" status for me - if it's on, it's virtually impossible not to watch. The movie went until 3:30 am last night, but somehow I mustered up the inner strength to turn off the TV after the Jamaicans made it into the Olympics with their qualifying run of 59.46 seconds. Even then, it was nearly 3 am, and I am completely spent today. No regrets whatsoever.

Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, jaah???

I visited Jamaica in 2005, and you can only imagine my extreme disappointment in learning no one cared at all about "Cool Runnings" or the bobsled team. I always figured the movie took a ton of artistic license, but I assumed that the country would whore out and sell bobsled-related memorabilia to dumb tourists like myself. I searched the whole time for a miniature bobsled, to no avail. I only really found Bob Marley t-shirts and large bags of weed.

As an aside, I'm pretty sure Jamaicans play up Bob Marley for tourists. A guy drove us in a van to the waterfalls, and played Bob Marley music the whole way there. I was the last one out of the van, and noticed he was getting ready to switch to a Jagged Edge CD. Upon returning to the van, he quickly fumbled to stop his Babyface CD, and we listened to Bob Marley the whole way back to the resort. I'm telling you, this whole Bob Marley thing is a conspiracy to dupe white college kids.

Come on Jamaica...say something!

A few other things to note:

1) Leon, the actor who plays bobsled driver Derice Bannock, is the lead or co-lead actor to three of the 15 most rewatchable cable movies. He plays the school security guard in the preposterous Tupac Shakur basketball movie "Above The Rim", he plays Derice, AND he plays the legendary David Ruffin in "The Temptations" ("y'all ain't NUTHIN without David Ruffin!!" I could honestly probably write a 10,000 words entry about the Temptations miniseries, but since no one wants to read that, I'll probably just directly e-mail that to Sara.) If you enjoy, either intentionally or unintentionally, any of these three movies, it is a safe assumption that we can be friends.

You see Junior? Well, let me tell you what I see. I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody!

2) The scene where Yul Brenner learns that he can't live in Buckingham Palace because the Queen lives there, but is inspired by the kind words of Junior, who then uncrumples the picture of Buckingham Palace and places it back on the nightstand, should have brought Oscar nominations (at the very least) to both Malik Yoba and Rawle D. Lewis. There is no justice in this world.

3) Doug E. Doug should have had a better career. Among people with the same first name as last name, he has to rank #1, right? I don't know anyone who didn't enjoy his comedic relief turn as Sanka, the greatest pushcart driver in all of Jamaica. Now he does one-episode guest roles on Law & Order: SVU. Again, no justice.

Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, its bobsled time! COOL RUNNINGS!!

Get Ready...

I was surprised to see how many people reacted to the previous post with "write about Millionaire Matchmaker!" Since there's so much enthusiasm for this show, rest assured, a severely overly analytical discussion of it will be coming soon.

Obama. Biden. Me Looking Stupid. Ray's Hell-Burger. Photos. Wow.

Haven’t been blogging as much lately. I had some ideas, but they weren’t really all that, plus it’s the NBA playoffs, so it’s hard to fight the lethargy and post something. I almost posted about Bravo’s “Millionaire Matchmaker”, I almost wrote the next “Asian Adventures” feature, and I have some new “Ridiculous Pricing” in the works. But really, none of them were all that noteworthy.


Something noteworthy happened today though. Today, I had lunch with Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Well, sort of. I’m going to call it that, anyways.

Randomly, my co-workers and I decided to get lunch today at Ray’s Hell-Burger. Those of you who have had the privilege of eating there will surely attest to it being among the top 3 burgers you’ve had in your life, if not the absolute best. We noticed some extra security measures, were forced to park further away – but it didn’t seem like enough security for the President of the United States, so we were looking around for someone else – who was here? Hilary Clinton? Was someone eating in the back room? I placed my order, and suddenly there was a rush of 35 photographers as the restaurant burst into spontaneous applause. Obama and Biden, just two “regular guys”, eating cheeseburgers, with a slew of photographers and cameramen chronicling their every move, surely to be used soon to fill the vast emptiness of 24-hour cable “news”.

After a quick handshake with the two of them I discussed with Joe Biden what he was going to get on his burger. He asked what I recommended, and I pushed hard for him to get the mushrooms, which as any Ray’s patron knows, are positively delicious. Biden clearly either doesn’t like mushrooms or doesn’t like Asians, because he reacted to my mushroom recommendation as if I had just recommended the bubonic plague. He politely mumbled “uh-huh” and drifted off into space. Oh well, botox-face. More mushrooms for me.

The whole situation was extremely confusing for my feeble mind, what with all the commotion and the two dozen Secret Service agents in and outside the restaurant. I had no idea where to walk or stand, and as you’ll see from the pictures and video, I look either like a confused, intimidated child, or a frat boy about to pound a Guinness (it’s a root beer by the way). I have a much bigger appreciation now for celebrities, who have to always be on their guard and try to not ever look stupid. In the pictures I’ve found of myself online from today, I look stupid in every single one. If you’re about to crack “that’s because you always look stupid”, well screw you. I never liked you anyways.

We tried to sit down at one table, but a Secret Service agent was holding that table for Obama and Biden. I debated pointing him to the rules of the restaurant, which CLEARLY indicate you cannot take a table until AFTER you have ordered, but the guy was carrying an enormous handgun. Otherwise, though, I totally would have stepped to him. Totally.

We ended up taking the table right across from that one, allowing us to take some sweet pictures where we didn’t even have to bother Obama and Biden. A Secret Service agent stood against the wall next to us as we ate. He explained to us that he had been in the restaurant the previous night to set up – it occurred to me then that I didn’t get frisked. My boss says that’s because there’s some more sophisticated metal sweeping technology in use. I still could have thrown my shoe, though. Another coworker of mine said something I also thought was true – I thought the background people in these photo ops were pre-screened, and were more like “extras”. I’m actually a little more worried for the President’s safety than I was previously, but that being said, the Secret Service did a great job. And they were really cool and easy to talk to, as opposed to your average traffic cop with 1/1,000,000th the responsibility but a million times more attitude. If there was anything negative about them, I would say that their suits were all nicer than what I wear – not sure if that’s the best use of my taxes.

Anyhow, enough rambling. Pictures and video below.