I Strongly Dislike Subway Sandwiches

For the life of me, I cannot understand why people like to eat at Subway. I get that it seems relatively cheap thanks to their $5 footlong sales campaign, but I seem to be constantly surrounded by people who actually LIKE eating there. Not for the savings, they think the sandwiches are tasty. I always say I don’t want to be another guy who blogs that “everything everywhere always fucking sucks”, but Subway really does suck.

Myth #1: Subway bread is great and freshly baked.

Reality: No! It tastes like crap! If you bought a loaf of Subway bread at a supermarket, or a deli, you would be angry at the lack of quality control! The bread, while freshly baked, is flimsy and insubstantial, and utterly devoid of any character or flavor. The “lengthened” bread tastes about as bad as the bread at Blimpie, only the constant marketing of “fresh baked” seems to have fooled people. You would think since they’re supposedly baking bread around the clock they could give you warm bread, but instead you just get this cold, sad pocket of garbage to hold the other garbage in the sandwich.

Myth #2: Subway meat and cheese is great.

Reality: Actually, I just made up this myth. Nobody believes the Subway filling is good, even Subway supporters. They use almost comically low-quality meats and cheeses. What’s sadder than seeing the Subway guy pick up your individual paper carton of pre-separated meat (because god forbid you get even one gram of extra meat), watching him peel off the separating piece of wax paper, and then dumping the contents of said paper carton onto your overly long bread? When you see how little meat there is relative to the bread, you start getting super-psyched-up for all the empty bites of bread, bell peppers and jalapenos you’re about to enjoy in only a matter of minutes. The only thing that might be sadder than the meat is the 3 small triangular pieces of cheese that may not have been acceptable at your second-grade cafeteria, depending on how nice of a school you went to.

Myth #3: Subway is great because you can get unlimited vegetable toppings.

Reality: Hey here’s a genius idea I just thought of: BUY A SALAD! How about that?!? In no other circumstance would you eat a sandwich that was 85% comprised of shredded lettuce from a bag, sliced olives, bell peppers, mushy tomatoes, jalapenos, banana peppers and onions. And yet somehow people who go to Subway think this is a good idea, even though (1) they never eat sandwiches like that anywhere else and (2) they would never make that sort of sandwich for themselves. If you mixed the Subway vegetables into a salad, everyone would say, “whoa, that’s a disgusting salad”. But dump it all in a foot of bread, and suddenly this is a great idea.

Myth #4: Sure Subway doesn’t taste all that good, but it’s so cheap!

Reality: Yes, you can get moderately full at Subway for $5 before tax. But you could get VERY full eating seven Cup of Noodles for even less money. It’s all about what you get for the $5, not the fact that it’s $5. And what you’re getting is garbage. People seem to be under the impression, “what a great deal! A FOOTLONG sandwich for $5!” But the amount of meat and cheese (setting aside the quality for a second) you get in a footlong sandwich is only as much as any deli would serve in a sandwich half as big. The trick Subway has mastered is baking this long, thin bread (almost like they took regular, acceptable bread, and then just stretched it from both ends, making the inside of the bread more hollow) and sort of playing with geometry to make it look like you’re not getting screwed on meat and cheese. It’s no accident Quizno’s unveiled their “Torpedo” sandwiches, which are even thinner – they saw what Subway was succeeding with, and took it one step further. Apparently a lot of people don’t mind eating a crappy sandwich, provided it’s a really long sandwich! (Feel free to insert your own highly appropriate follow-up joke here).

Myth #5: Subway is great because it’s nutritious!

Reality: I suppose many of the sandwiches are less unhealthy than other fast food options, but if this is a big priority, the answer is not to eat at Subway, it’s just to eat less fast food. Quizno’s first big wave of expansion occurred when I was in middle school. (Sidebar, my school was called an “intermediate school”, and I used this term for years on the east coast before finally giving up because people thought maybe I went to a remedial school for low-IQ children. I always thought my school was called an intermediate school because the other middle school in the district started with a “P”, and conceivably could have been abbreviated “PMS”, which was apparently not acceptable.) In middle school, after eating Quizno’s for the first time, I thought “oh man, Subway is SCREWED.” I don’t think Quizno’s is great or anything, but the comparison to Subway is a complete joke. Yet as the years have gone by, people continue to prefer Subway’s untoasted, flimsy, meatless “weight-loss” concoction, and I just can’t understand.

Anyways, don’t ask me to go to Subway with you. I guess that’s the only conclusion here.

Ridiculous Pricing: Ralph Lauren Black Label

On a massive sale for $308 through Gilt Groupe is this head-turning 96% cashmere sweater.

They say fashion should make a statement. What's great about this extraordinarily long-sleeved sweater is that it makes a real statement to the world. Specifically, it says "I would rather look like this than have $308." Once people see it and then realize how poorly you manage your money, everyone will want to be your friend!

My Search For An NFL Team

Over the last few years, I have become increasingly apathetic about the NFL. As a LA-area product, I don’t have a natural geography-based team to root for, and I’m not tied enough to any of the places I’ve lived since then to adopt those teams. Yet somehow, I remained a big NFL fan, as well versed in the league as any rabid talk-show-calling colored-face-painting personally-customized-jersey-wearing fan around.

But I can feel the early symptoms of fan-decline in my bones. I cannot watch two games back to back anymore. I find fantasy football less and less fun each season, to the point where I am contemplating retiring from fantasy football at the end of this season. My head feels like it’s going to explode from the endless inane commentary from the league’s exalted talking heads. The signs are all around me – football is my new baseball. Dying. Gleefully rooting for anyone to beat the Patriots in 2007 masked some of thesymptoms, but this season’s storyline-less season has brought me to a crossroads: I need to start rooting for an NFL team to continue to care about all of this.

A few of you might be wondering, why do you need an NFL team? Can’t you just stop watching the NFL? The short answer is no. The long answer is yes, I could, except I would be completely marginalized as an American sports fan. It would be analogous to telling people I am a huge fan of classic movies, except I don’t like The Godfather, Citizen Kane, Raging Bull and Gone With the Wind. Or that I love competitive reality television but dislike Real World/Road Rules Challenge. So here I am, a willing, eager, knowledgeable NFL fan, in search of a team. But who should I choose? Normally this would call for a ranking or a reverse ranking, because this is what people do when they write about the NFL. But I will avoid that! Because I am different and interesting!

New England, Oakland, NY Giants, NY Jets, Dallas, Philadelphia, Chicago, Minnesota, Green Bay

No to all of these teams because the fanbase has too clear an identity, and you can’t just hop on and pretend you’re one of them. New England – I passionately dislike Boston plus there’s the spector of the we-might-be-closet-racists thing. Never been to jail and would never wear a costume not on Halloween, so Oakland is out. Don’t like the culture of being a NY fan. Cowboys fans are either from Texas or complete posers. I’m not fat enough to root for the Bears. Actually used to like Philly when they had Randall Cunningham, but later I learned that Philly fans are just vile people. Vikings fans are all bonded from their ’98 NFC Championship Game loss – it so permeates their fanbase that How I Met Your Mother even made fun of it for like 4 minutes. Since I don’t share that despair, can’t be one of them. And I have never met a Packers fan who was not from Wisconsin.

Cleveland, Buffalo, Detroit

These teams also have a specific culture, but I needed to separate them because their specific culture revolves around being horrendous at football. I’m not going to voluntarily waterboard myself.

Washington

Really, what’s to like here?

Jacksonville, Tennessee, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Cincinnati, Indianapolis

I don’t think you can say you’re a real fan of a team if you don’t go to games, or at least want to go to games. I’m not even certain they’ve seen Asian people in Jacksonville, so things might go horribly. But on the flip side, everyone would be worried about my karate skills.

Houston, Arizona, Carolina, Tampa, Seattle, St. Louis

What’s attractive here is that these teams all have very little fan identity. I call these the “Blank Slate” teams. If you’re a fan of a Blank Slate team, my inclusion of your team may be offensive. You may feel a deep sense of team and fanbase identity. But this is factually incorrect. Nobody knows what you guys are like, and if I decided to tell everyone tomorrow that I was a lifelong fan of a Blank Slate team, nobody would have any way to determine if I was legitimate. “Yeah, you know what? Eric always sort of seemed like a Seahawks fan…it makes sense, he has that whole, uh, you know, um, Seahawky, uh, thing about him, you know?”

Miami, Baltimore, Denver, San Diego, San Francisco, New Orleans, Atlanta

The Top 7, in some order, unless I go the Blank Slate route. Good ownership groups, reasonably flexible fan identities (maybe not Baltimore – New Orleans had that culture of losing thing, but they’re in transition), acceptable-to-excellent cities to visit and acceptable-to-excellent uniforms (Ultimately, this matters more than fans care to admit. Another reason nobody roots for the Browns).

I’m going to do some more in-depth research on these 7 teams/fanbases and come to some kind of conclusion which I’ll post later. Insight and recommendations are encouraged and appreciated.

Answer Fail

Courtesy of Sujit: The white kid's reaction when he finds out he's wrong is priceless. Though...is he really wrong?

Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, jaah?

'Nuff people say, you know they can't be-lieve, Ja-mai-ca, we have a bob-sled team.

Last night, I finished watching the Nuggets-Mavs game, and was tidying up around the apartment, getting ready to sleep. It was 1:45 am, going to bed was the obvious move. But of nowhere, TBS throws a wrench in my plans - they're airing "Cool Runnings", the 1993 classic "retelling" of the 1988 Jamaican bobsled team.

"Cool Runnings" has "D2" status for me - if it's on, it's virtually impossible not to watch. The movie went until 3:30 am last night, but somehow I mustered up the inner strength to turn off the TV after the Jamaicans made it into the Olympics with their qualifying run of 59.46 seconds. Even then, it was nearly 3 am, and I am completely spent today. No regrets whatsoever.

Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, jaah???

I visited Jamaica in 2005, and you can only imagine my extreme disappointment in learning no one cared at all about "Cool Runnings" or the bobsled team. I always figured the movie took a ton of artistic license, but I assumed that the country would whore out and sell bobsled-related memorabilia to dumb tourists like myself. I searched the whole time for a miniature bobsled, to no avail. I only really found Bob Marley t-shirts and large bags of weed.

As an aside, I'm pretty sure Jamaicans play up Bob Marley for tourists. A guy drove us in a van to the waterfalls, and played Bob Marley music the whole way there. I was the last one out of the van, and noticed he was getting ready to switch to a Jagged Edge CD. Upon returning to the van, he quickly fumbled to stop his Babyface CD, and we listened to Bob Marley the whole way back to the resort. I'm telling you, this whole Bob Marley thing is a conspiracy to dupe white college kids.

Come on Jamaica...say something!

A few other things to note:

1) Leon, the actor who plays bobsled driver Derice Bannock, is the lead or co-lead actor to three of the 15 most rewatchable cable movies. He plays the school security guard in the preposterous Tupac Shakur basketball movie "Above The Rim", he plays Derice, AND he plays the legendary David Ruffin in "The Temptations" ("y'all ain't NUTHIN without David Ruffin!!" I could honestly probably write a 10,000 words entry about the Temptations miniseries, but since no one wants to read that, I'll probably just directly e-mail that to Sara.) If you enjoy, either intentionally or unintentionally, any of these three movies, it is a safe assumption that we can be friends.

You see Junior? Well, let me tell you what I see. I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody!

2) The scene where Yul Brenner learns that he can't live in Buckingham Palace because the Queen lives there, but is inspired by the kind words of Junior, who then uncrumples the picture of Buckingham Palace and places it back on the nightstand, should have brought Oscar nominations (at the very least) to both Malik Yoba and Rawle D. Lewis. There is no justice in this world.

3) Doug E. Doug should have had a better career. Among people with the same first name as last name, he has to rank #1, right? I don't know anyone who didn't enjoy his comedic relief turn as Sanka, the greatest pushcart driver in all of Jamaica. Now he does one-episode guest roles on Law & Order: SVU. Again, no justice.

Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, its bobsled time! COOL RUNNINGS!!

Get Ready...

I was surprised to see how many people reacted to the previous post with "write about Millionaire Matchmaker!" Since there's so much enthusiasm for this show, rest assured, a severely overly analytical discussion of it will be coming soon.

Obama. Biden. Me Looking Stupid. Ray's Hell-Burger. Photos. Wow.

Haven’t been blogging as much lately. I had some ideas, but they weren’t really all that, plus it’s the NBA playoffs, so it’s hard to fight the lethargy and post something. I almost posted about Bravo’s “Millionaire Matchmaker”, I almost wrote the next “Asian Adventures” feature, and I have some new “Ridiculous Pricing” in the works. But really, none of them were all that noteworthy.


Something noteworthy happened today though. Today, I had lunch with Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Well, sort of. I’m going to call it that, anyways.

Randomly, my co-workers and I decided to get lunch today at Ray’s Hell-Burger. Those of you who have had the privilege of eating there will surely attest to it being among the top 3 burgers you’ve had in your life, if not the absolute best. We noticed some extra security measures, were forced to park further away – but it didn’t seem like enough security for the President of the United States, so we were looking around for someone else – who was here? Hilary Clinton? Was someone eating in the back room? I placed my order, and suddenly there was a rush of 35 photographers as the restaurant burst into spontaneous applause. Obama and Biden, just two “regular guys”, eating cheeseburgers, with a slew of photographers and cameramen chronicling their every move, surely to be used soon to fill the vast emptiness of 24-hour cable “news”.

After a quick handshake with the two of them I discussed with Joe Biden what he was going to get on his burger. He asked what I recommended, and I pushed hard for him to get the mushrooms, which as any Ray’s patron knows, are positively delicious. Biden clearly either doesn’t like mushrooms or doesn’t like Asians, because he reacted to my mushroom recommendation as if I had just recommended the bubonic plague. He politely mumbled “uh-huh” and drifted off into space. Oh well, botox-face. More mushrooms for me.

The whole situation was extremely confusing for my feeble mind, what with all the commotion and the two dozen Secret Service agents in and outside the restaurant. I had no idea where to walk or stand, and as you’ll see from the pictures and video, I look either like a confused, intimidated child, or a frat boy about to pound a Guinness (it’s a root beer by the way). I have a much bigger appreciation now for celebrities, who have to always be on their guard and try to not ever look stupid. In the pictures I’ve found of myself online from today, I look stupid in every single one. If you’re about to crack “that’s because you always look stupid”, well screw you. I never liked you anyways.

We tried to sit down at one table, but a Secret Service agent was holding that table for Obama and Biden. I debated pointing him to the rules of the restaurant, which CLEARLY indicate you cannot take a table until AFTER you have ordered, but the guy was carrying an enormous handgun. Otherwise, though, I totally would have stepped to him. Totally.

We ended up taking the table right across from that one, allowing us to take some sweet pictures where we didn’t even have to bother Obama and Biden. A Secret Service agent stood against the wall next to us as we ate. He explained to us that he had been in the restaurant the previous night to set up – it occurred to me then that I didn’t get frisked. My boss says that’s because there’s some more sophisticated metal sweeping technology in use. I still could have thrown my shoe, though. Another coworker of mine said something I also thought was true – I thought the background people in these photo ops were pre-screened, and were more like “extras”. I’m actually a little more worried for the President’s safety than I was previously, but that being said, the Secret Service did a great job. And they were really cool and easy to talk to, as opposed to your average traffic cop with 1/1,000,000th the responsibility but a million times more attitude. If there was anything negative about them, I would say that their suits were all nicer than what I wear – not sure if that’s the best use of my taxes.

Anyhow, enough rambling. Pictures and video below.

YouTube Mosaic Music Video - Dennis Liu

Been meaning to post this for days - many of you have hopefully already seen this, it's a uniquely interactive music video that I would describe as a gloriously meta explosion of the Internet onto itself. I am lucky enough to know the director Dennis Liu, and got a chance to see an earlier version, minus the billion annotations (which is a big part of the fun, be sure to play around with it). What you're about to see is assuredly the end product of an indescribable amount of work, but I'm sure you'll agree the creative results were well worth it.

Judging from his ability as a movie director, one can only imagine how great a corporate attorney, investment banker, or medical doctor Dennis would have made. While it is surely a massive shame that he has not pursued those obviously more worthy life paths, it is not a complete loss. At least there is this video. Enjoy!

Dinosaurs and Outer Space

I met a friend of a friend recently who wearing an outer-space themed shirt. Not like some trendy design or some hipster joke shirt - more like the kind of shirt you would find at the gift shop at an observatory. The picture here is more “gift-shoppy” (read: ridiculous) than the shirt he was wearing, but I think the picture is instructive just so we all roughly know what I am talking about.

Ultimately, this guy was making a conscious decision. He was silently saying, “I like outer space, and I don’t care if this is a socially marginalizing choice, what I care about is that the solar system is awesome.” Because it really is a socially marginalizing choice. Wearing an outer space themed shirt, or a similar museum-gift-shop dinosaur shirt in your everyday life effectively cuts you off from tons of social circles. If you're going to rock shirts like this, it's a wrap for you on having sex with anyone who doesn't also wear these shirts.

Upon further reflection, I think this is rather unfortunate. I’ve been to a couple natural history museums with friends recently, and everyone is psyched to check out the dinosaur exhibits. And excluding the reputational damage from the time Lance Bass almost went into space, space travel still seems pretty sweet to most people I know. But although I still think space travel and dinosaurs are sweet, I’ve long since passed the age where it’s acceptable to be truly enthusiastic about such things, or enthusiastic enough to wear t-shirts like the one my friend’s friend wore. It’s been so long that my actual enthusiasm has diminished, and I presumably will never recover that. Had I known this was going to happen, I would have soaked it in a little more. If I could live life over again, I would definitely make sure I saw “Jurassic Park” in theaters instead of watching it three years later on NBC.

Regrets, I’ve had a few.

Well This Is Just About The Best Story Ever

I can't guarantee that this story is true, but I CAN guarantee that it is awesome. In Stuttgart, Germany, a sterile man paid his neighbor, a father of two, $2,500 to impregnate his wife, a former beauty queen. For 3 nights a week for the next 6 months, (72 times for you kids counting at home), the neighbor tried to get this woman pregnant. Eventually the husband forced his neighbor to see the doctor, who determined the neighbor was sterile as well.

But how could he be sterile - didn't he have two children? This led to the neighbor's wife confessing that he was not the father of their two kids. I guess you win some, you lose some. If you get paid to have sex with your neighbor's hot wife 72 times, you should probably figure something horrendous is coming your way.

This story is too good to be true, but then again, so are deep-fried empanadas. So maybe it's true. "Full" details at the link below.

http://www.global-report.com/perth/?l=en&a=347624

ETA: Oh yeah, and now the guy who was paid to make a baby is being sued for breach of contract. But his defense is that he tried his best. Well played, sir, well played.

OH FUCK YEAH

Friday Night Lights has just been renewed for an additional two seasons, at 13 episodes apiece, extending this year's arrangement with DirecTV. To all the Friday Night Lights fans out there, this is a glorious day. (Sara's fairly visceral reaction to the news became the title of this blog post.)

For those of you who refused to ever watch despite the repeated urgings of your cherished friends (namely me), you can go screw yourselves. Turns out we didn't need you anyways.

Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can't lose.

Ridiculous Pricing: Marc Jacobs

Out of curiosity, several months ago I signed up for clothing sale notifications from Gilt Groupe, an online "sample sale" reseller for high-end luxury brands. The enterprising ladies who started the business were smart enough to know that adding a completely unnecessary "e" to the end of the word "Group" would hold great appeal for their targeted customer base. It's also "invitation-only", so Balenciaga won't have to endure the massive humiliation of seeing their products show up on a Google Shopping search, but anyone can get "invited".

I never buy anything from sales on this site, but I sometimes log in to the sales, because it's just funny to see 1) what some of these items cost and 2) what apparently qualifies as a luxury good. In a new recurring feature on this blog, I'm going to post pictures of items, and their original retail and sale prices. Trust me, you're going to enjoy this. Today's items courtesy of Marc Jacobs.


Have you ever thought to yourself, "man, I have way too many shirts. I want to have fewer shirts, but I can't decide which ones to get rid of"? If so, Marc Jacobs has an elegant, sophisticated solution - cut two of your shirts in half, poorly, and then stitch the non-matching halves together to make only one shirt! It's brilliant, you retain the essence of both of your favorite shirts while simultaneously freeing up closet space. But now you're probably thinking, "who has the time to do all that cutting and sewing?" Well Marc Jacobs has thought of that too - he already did it for you! And he'll give you back the remnants of your old shirts for only $198.00 on Gilt Groupe. (You're not going to believe the original retail price on this "shirt" - it was $950.00. The notion that people were spending $950.00 to buy this shirt makes me feel like we deserve to be in a massive economic depression.)

I know what you're thinking - you're thinking "wow, that is an awesome shirt". And you're right. Because it's a shirt, which, in itself, is already great. It provides warmth for your upper body and allows you entry into places that require wearing a shirt. Second, it has an apple on it, and apples are both delicious and nutritious. Third, the apple is open, so you can see the core, which symbolizes others being able to see your core when they see you with this shirt on. And chicks dig symbolism. All this awesomeness can be yours for $78.00, which is the Marc Jacobs bargain of a lifetime. Even its original retail price of $330.00 was, to be honest, already the bargain of a lifetime. Are you still not sold? Oh I see, you're concerned there might be something lame and stupid on the back. Let me assure you, that is not at all the case.

See? Bargain of a lifetime at $78.00 before tax and shipping. I think the shirt is even 100% cotton!

The Latest From Michael Lewis

My favorite writer is probably Michael Lewis, a man whose life I recently realized I was inadvertently copying. He went to Princeton, I went to Princeton. He studied economics, I studied economics. He worked for Salomon Brothers, I worked for Citigroup. His interests seem to be writing, sports, business and technology. So we also have the same interests. Really the only difference is that he has numerous bestselling books whereas I possess an alarmingly detailed knowledge of America’s Best Dance Crew. But surely the bestselling books are in my future. Hopefully I won’t have to write them myself, someone can just interview me for a couple hours and then ghostwrite for me.

All of this is just a roundabout introduction for my extremely enthusiastic recommendation of Lewis’ latest piece in Vanity Fair, entitled “Wall Street on the Tundra”. It’s a terrific examination of what led to Iceland, a quirky fishing and aluminum smelting community, into its ridiculous bankruptcy. Lewis hears small bombs go off in the streets during the middle of the night – he eventually learns people are bombing their own Range Rovers for the insurance money. With the nonsensical rise of the Icelandic financial system, Iceland’s krona was rising at 16% per year, so everyone in Iceland took out car loans and mortgages in yen, which was only rising 3% per year.

It must have seemed like a no-brainer: buy these ever more valuable houses and cars with money you are, in effect, paid to borrow. But, in October, after the krona collapsed, the yen and Swiss francs they must repay are many times more expensive. Now many Icelanders—especially young Icelanders—own $500,000 houses with $1.5 million mortgages, and $35,000 Range Rovers with $100,000 in loans against them. To the Range Rover problem there are two immediate solutions. One is to put it on a boat, ship it to Europe, and try to sell it for a currency that still has value. The other is set it on fire and collect the insurance: Boom!

I would say it’s unbelievable, except that I believe it completely. So how did this all happen, financially speaking?

I spoke with a hedge fund in New York that, in late 2006, spotted what it took to be an easy mark: a weak Scandinavian bank getting weaker. It established a short position, and then, out of nowhere, came Kaupthing to take a 10 percent stake in this soon-to-be defunct enterprise—driving up the share price to absurd levels. I spoke to another hedge fund in London so perplexed by the many bad LBOs Icelandic banks were financing that it hired private investigators to figure out what was going on in the Icelandic financial system. The investigators produced a chart detailing a byzantine web of interlinked entities that boiled down to this: A handful of guys in Iceland, who had no experience of finance, were taking out tens of billions of dollars in short-term loans from abroad. They were then re-lending this money to themselves and their friends to buy assets—the banks, soccer teams, etc. Since the entire world’s assets were rising—thanks in part to people like these Icelandic lunatics paying crazy prices for them—they appeared to be making money. Yet another hedge-fund manager explained Icelandic banking to me this way: You have a dog, and I have a cat. We agree that they are each worth a billion dollars. You sell me the dog for a billion, and I sell you the cat for a billion. Now we are no longer pet owners, but Icelandic banks, with a billion dollars in new assets.

Even more interesting than the finance is the cultural element to all this. Enough from me, read the whole piece here. I promise it’s worth the time. While you do that, I’ll be off writing my first bestseller. Or watching an episode of “Burn Notice”. It’s tough to say which.

Dance Movies

The best part of any dance movie is when the whole cast is in a club or party, and everyone breaks out into a spontaneous and improvised, yet perfectly choreographed group routine where everyone knows all the moves.

The reason I enjoy this part so much is because it always happens to me when I go out.

Bizkit The Sleepwalking Dog

This makes me wish I had a dog...

Asian Adventures, Vol. IV

Been a while since I shared some secret information about Asian people. Here’s something you may not know – many Asian people, particularly parents, are loathe to remove the protective plastic film that comes on handheld electronics, like a camera, cell phone, or iPod (hat tip to Katie on this). Asians have been known to leave the sticky plastic sheet on their gadgets as long as humanly possible, even though the manufacturer really intends for them to remove it immediately. Many times, this protective plastic film becomes unbearably dirty or frayed, causing outsiders to ask said Asian why he or she still has the plastic film on. Popular responses include: “Why would I take it off?”, “So I don’t get it all scratched up” or my personal favorite, “I like the feeling you get when you eventually do take the plastic off – it’s like you have a brand new iPod!”. You might be thinking “that’s so stupid”. In response, I would say, “your face is stupid! OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”. Then I would run/jump around you in a circle, barking like DMX and triumphantly celebrate my complete verbal domination of you. Look at you. You’re pathetic.

Shocking News: Quick Follow Up

People, listen up - you definitely know someone who could commit a murder. Let's be realistic here.

Shocking News

I was recently informed of some fairly incredible news - a girl I went to Princeton with (graduated a year ahead of me, but I didn’t know her) apparently went on to become a porn star. “Star” is probably a misnomer, I’m sure she’s not famous or anything, so just think of it as “porn actress”. Even though I didn’t know this girl, I nonetheless found the story mind-blowing. I definitely reacted with a bigger “wow” to this news than any other high school or college classmate news I’d ever heard.

This got me to thinking - what could I hear about a former classmate that would be more shocking than finding out he or she did porn? I gave it a good 10-15 minutes of thought, and here is the list of “eventual classmate outcomes” that I came up with:

1. Became a terrorist.
2. Became the leader/messiah of a substantial cult (over 20 people) that ultimately involved death.
3. Switched genders.
4. I couldn’t think of anything else that would be more shocking than porn.

Even hearing that someone committed murder would be less shocking. Let’s be honest here – we all went to school with someone who conceivably could kill another person. Doesn’t mean we thought it was really going to happen, but it was within the scope of plausibility. I’m sure you know someone who, given specific environmental conditions, you believe has a greater than 1% chance to commit a homicide. You’re just a little leery around that person, right? This person has no reason whatsoever to kill you, and yet…you’re careful. Better safe than sorry.

As an aside on the murder thing, after the Columbine tragedy, I wondered, “if that happened at my school, who would it be?” I started making a mental list of plausible candidates, and let’s just say that list was way too long for my liking. Once the list got to eight or nine, I started reversing course. “No…that’s ridiculous, Eric, he could never kill a dozen people…uh…right?” The whole mental exercise was both spooky and depressing.

Terrorist is, suffice it to say, a pretty big deal - I actually can’t envision a single person I’ve ever met going down that path, so, I mean, yay for that. Same for the cult leader thing, although I can sort of imagine someone leading an innocuous cult for a little while. There was supposedly a small cult at Princeton a few years before I got there, but nobody died.

Transgender was a tough one to rank on the list – surely hearing that kind of news would elicit a huge “wow!” from me. At the same time though, my instinct is that there are more transgender people in the world than there are porn stars. I don’t really have any statistical evidence to support that claim, but I somehow intuitively feel this is correct. This might stem from the fact that I have met at least two transgender people (I suppose you never truly know how many transgender people you’ve met), but zero porn stars (I guess the same inconclusive comment holds here too). I used to work in the same building as a 6’4” man-turned-woman who was fond of wearing giant frilly pink dresses. It was a giant wall of pink. Dude/non-dude did get her own bathroom though. That was a good perk. Anyways, despite the “numbers”, I ultimately think switching genders would shock me more than porn.

If somebody became a con man/white collar criminal, it would need to be on an epic Bernie Madoff type scale to outweigh porn star, I’d say. Drug dealer, bank robber – those things just don’t quite measure up unless we’re talking about Pablo Escobar or Bonnie and Clyde level stuff. Let me know in the comments if you think I missed anything of if you would have a different list. In the meantime, I’ll worry about how my Google AdSense banner ad is going to change in light of some keywords in this post.

2009 Academy Awards - A Live Blog, Except Not

Lately, I’ve overheard a fair number of girls spewing anti-Anne Hathaway rhetoric. Everywhere I went, it seemed I was hearing some girl say, “Anne Hathaway sucks” or “I really can’t stand Anne Hathaway” or “I don’t like that Anne Hathaway is getting so famous, she bothers me”. I mulled it over, and couldn’t come up with any sensible reason why people would dislike her. She’s a good actress, isn’t annoying, seems pretty smart, and although I get that she’s not a supermodel, I find her fairly attractive. That’s what I had planned on blogging about after the Oscars. But in researching the topic, I learned that among my own female friends, support for Anne Hathaway was quite strong. So, I sort of lost the whole angle to my post-Oscars blog. Anyhow, ladies, feel free to leave a comment expressing your feelings on Ms. Hathaway. Maybe that’s a secret prerequisite for being my friend – liking Anne Hathaway. We shall see.

I’m going to do a live-blog type thing, only it’s after the fact, and I also didn’t record the show (I watched at Simone's party), so there will be no timestamps, and frankly, it’s probably all out of order. So it’s a live-blog only in the sense that the organization will be poor and the writing will be spotty.

Le Maison en Petit Cubes wins Best Animated Short – the room is shocked to see that the award recipient is not French. A Japanese guy awkwardly stumbles through some English, and then makes up for all of it by dropping a “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto” at the end. Fu totally freaks out, and brands the guy a Japanese sellout. I counter by asking if Jackie Chan is a sellout. Some other Asian people instantly respond that yes, he’s a sellout too. This is total garbage, Jackie Chan is Buster Keaton reincarnate and has only dedicated his career to spreading joy the world over. Sometimes I think I need to be more selective with my friends.

So the “Twilight”/”Harry Potter” guy just always looks that creepy? That’s really unfortunate. He better hope that he’s never put into a police lineup, because there’s a 500% chance he’s getting picked.

There’s an intense argument in the room about WALL-E being unqualified to win Oscars (it most certainly is qualified to win Oscars) and simultaneously, positive discussion about the Angelina Jolie-James McAvoy action movie “Wanted”, a movie nobody in the room seems to have seen. Well, I’ve seen it – it sucks. In the summer, Ali, Rich and I decided to watch a movie, and had narrowed the choices down to “WALL-E” and “Wanted”. Rich pushed for “Wanted” because he only likes watching action movies in theaters, and Ali and I went along. Two hours later, we wanted to punch Rich in the face. The movie makes absolutely no sense and whatever dumb thrills I could have had were erased by the incomprehensibly annoying lead performance by James McAvoy. Whenever I hear people say they want to watch that movie, I just burn inside. Even worse, the reason tends to be “I LOVE James McAvoy”. It’s making me angry just to type all this, I need to move on.

Love Ben Stiller’s turn as Joaquin Phoenix. If you still haven’t seen the videos, I’ll direct you over to Rob’s blog to help you climb out of your hole.

Hugh Jackman leads a seven-minute musical tribute to famous musicals of the past, joined by Beyonce and the High School Musical kids. He loudly proclaims, “THE MUSICAL IS BACK!” while thrusting a triumphant fist skyward. Would it be cruel to tell Hugh Jackman that the musical is definitely not back, and if anything, is even closer to dying thanks to the recession? It seems cruel, he looks so happy there with his big dumb smile.

The room is not laughing at the James Franco-Seth Rogen “Pineapple Express” skit. I liked the movie – the scene where James Franco sobs uncontrollably as he eats a double cheeseburger just kills me. That alone almost makes the movie worthwhile.

Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock have a romantic comedy coming out on June 12th. A little idiotic to spend money on an expensive commercial during the Oscars IN FEBRUARY, no?

Josef and I are on the same page – we never knew so many hot people shopped at JC Penney’s! You really can learn a lot from commercials.

The presenter accidentally calls Philip Seymour Hoffman “Seymour Philip Hoffman”, but only Jon notices. Jon proceeds to make 3 or 4 “Seymour Philip Hoffman” jokes while the rest of the room wonders if it’s worth it to correct Jon’s “mistake”. Nobody does.

Good to see Cuba Gooding Jr. having something (anything) to do. Bad to see him as "jive-talking black guy" at Oscars. I wonder if he regrets his decision to headline “Chill Factor”, where he plays an ice cream truck driver whose truck is needed to keep a thermal bomb from detonating. Probably not, because it allowed him the opportunity to work with Skeet Ulrich. That’s hard to pass up.

I joke that Heath Ledger’s family should just walk up and deliver a typical Oscar speech. “I just want to thank Warner Brothers, the cast and crew, Heath’s agent…” My joke is ruined when they actually do thank Warner Brothers, in a classy and emotional way. Note to self, don’t make those kinds of jokes anymore.

Will Smith is inexplicably tasked with presenting five consecutive awards. He also delivers my favorite joke of the night, about how he likes movies with “car chases, explosions, digital effects and…you know, fans”. Nice to see someone undercut all the pretentiousness.

Best song performances. John Legend is singing Peter Gabriel’s song from “WALL-E” because Peter Gabriel was miffed at getting cut down to 65 seconds. I bet he’s really pissed that they let Hugh Jackman sing show tunes for seven minutes with Beyonce and Zac Efron.

Zac Efron presents some award with a chick who is not Vanessa Hudgens. I was unaware their Disney contract allows for them to ever be seen apart.

Another thing I learned from commercials: that “Hyundai” rhymes with “Sunday”. First a Super Bowl ad explaining that, and now an Oscars ad. I’m imagining the executives at Hyundai fuming about mispronunciations over the last twenty years, and instantly murdering job applicants who say “HON-DIE” in interviews.

Sophia Loren, please take your hand off your hip. Also, your skin color resembles toxic waste.

The best actor montage comes up, and Nicolas Cage flashes onscreen. Several people in the room cannot comprehend that Nicolas Cage is an Academy Award Winner. I assure them that this is indeed the case (Leaving Las Vegas), but even then, some people continue to be in disbelief. I feel like it must be a bad career sign when people literally cannot fathom that you could ever win an Oscar even though you already have. Then again, “Ghost Rider” (that movie with Eva Mendes where he is a stuntman whose head is on fire; rottentomatoes 28%) somehow did $116 million domestic and $229 million worldwide in 2007, so who am I to argue about the man’s popularity.

The whole room agrees that Danny Boyle looks like Rudy Giuliani. We also agree that the resemblance is creepy.

And...that’s the end of the show. Good work, everyone!

Christian Bale Takes David To The Dentist

In case you live in hole and don't know the background, here's Christian Bale going absolutely apeshit on a crew member of the new Terminator movie, and here is the original "David After Dentist" video, where some parents take a video of their young son after being given laughing gas at the dentist.

And now, for the brilliance that is the internet:

Married Chinese Tycoon Holds Contest To Determine Which Mistress To Keep - Results Not Awesome

The title mostly says it all. Here's some choice quotes from the AFP story:

"A married Chinese tycoon who could no longer afford to support his five mistresses during the economic slowdown held a contest to decide which one to keep, local media reported Tuesday. The contest took a tragic turn when one of the mistresses, who was eliminated based on her looks, drove her former lover and the four other women off a mountain road in an apparent fit of anger, the Shanghai Daily reported."

"Fan later introduced her to the four other mistresses...However, when Fan's business ran into tough times, he decided to lay off all but one woman...Fan hired an instructor from a modelling agency to judge a private contest he held at a hotel in May, but he did not tell the women about his intentions.
Yu was eliminated in the first-round beauty competition and a woman surnamed Liu eventually won after dominating the drinking round, the report said."

Full story here. Thanks to Jessie for sending along.

Girl Scout Cookies Versus Movies

It’s that time of the year. That’s right kids, girl scout cookies have arrived! (Fu hooked me up). Sujit, Joanna and I were talking a few days ago, and we collectively all extolled the merits of fresh-baked cookies. Sujit in particular was fiercely adamant that he doesn’t really like any pre-packaged cookies, like Oreos or Chips Ahoy. I definitely agree with him that freshly baked cookies are ideal, but it just seemed like he was overstating things. Suddenly it came to me:

“Wait a minute, man – what about girl scout cookies?”
Sujit’s eyes quickly became the size of airplane hangars. “Oh my god, I forgot about those,” he said, almost incredulous that he could have forgotten that.
“Like, I still really love Thin Mints,” I continued.
Sujit was nearly salivating in front of our eyes. “Hey hey what’s that really delicious one, like in a ring, with the coconut and chocolate?”
“Samoas?”
“Ohhhhh man Samoas! Those are SOOOO GOOD!” Sujit went on to say that he would eat an entire box immediately. Then we all just kind of thought about girl scout cookies for a moment, and ultimately Sujit had to modify his original statement while bemoaning the fact that we didn’t have any to eat right now.

Three boxes of girl scout cookies now costs $10.50, which, incidentally, is roughly the price of most non-matinee movie showings. It’s an interesting thought exercise to see which movies I got more satisfaction out of seeing in theaters versus having three boxes of cookies. In all seriousness, I’ve probably seen fewer than 40 movies in theaters that would defeat three boxes of girl scout cookies. If I ever become a movie critic, that’s going to be my version of four stars. I can hear the voiceover in the commercials now – “Roger Ebert says, ‘Epic filmmaking of the finest caliber!’…The Los Angeles Times raves, ‘the year’s first sure-fire Oscar contender!’…Eric Ma says, ‘Provides greater utility to the consumer than three boxes of girl scout cookies!’”

That’s probably one reason girl scout cookies can’t be sold at movie theaters. If they did that, you would be constantly reminded of how bad a deal it is to watch movies in theater.

Girl scout cookies are delicious. I have the munchies. That is the end of this post.

FML

Those of you who are plugged in to the happenings of cyberspace have surely already seen this, but since I know many of you are not, I thought I'd pass along a new site, courtesy of Yoonmee and Rich. It's filled with little gems like:

"Today, my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it 10 minutes after he leaves. I waited 5, in the card it said "it's not working out, but here's 20$". FML"

I am a little unclear how many of these are real, a lot of them seem fictional. But they're still funny.

Google Predictive Text

Sara showed me a funny site the other day that showed some pretty ridiculous Google predictive text results when you type something into the Google search bar. I've been playing around with it on and off for the last week. My personal favorite, #2: when you just type "Is " (with the space after it). Personal favorite #1: when you type "Chinese people eat" (with no space after eat).

I don't want to spoil the fun, I'll let you try typing that yourself. (Don't actually hit the search button).

This Is Why You're Fat

Courtesy of Allison, the latest food blog to sweep the nation - "This Is Why You're Fat". Here's a few of my personal favorites:

French-fry encased hot dog on a stick.

Krispy Kreme donut bacon cheeseburgers.

Turbaconucken. It's a Turducken entirely encased in bacon.

Here's the link again for the full sight, some of the pictures are simply glorious.

First rule of Fat Club - you do not talk about Fat Club.

Australian Open Thoughts

A little late to talk about the Nadal-Federer Australian Open final, but Amy has been goading me, so, here goes…

Crystal and Silla were gracious enough to host an Australian Open party Sunday morning before the Super Bowl, and I watched the match (without knowing the result) with a group spanning the gamut from people who sort of like tennis to clinically insane fanatics. (And Xiao, who came around the third set and read a presentation on venture capital investment in China.) Some people were rooting so intently for Federer that I became scared for my own safety. I was, as always, rooting for Rafa, and was joined by Fu, who would coach Nadal through the television (and also back in time, since this was on DVR) by screaming “FUCK YOU, RAFA!” at every Nadal unforced error. But like all abusers, Fu says those things out of love. It shows how much she cares.

The one thing we did know in advance was that the match lasted four and a half hours. So while the tennis in the first two sets was played at Nadal and Federer’s typical otherworldly level, there was time for the mind to drift to other subjects. The two chief topics of non-tennis conversation: what the players were wearing, and Roger Federer’s girlfriend. I don’t have much to add on the clothing subject, other than to say that Nadal may like loud colors, but I’m certain that Federer cares much more about his appearance. No one would wear the ridiculous stuff he wears to Wimbledon otherwise.

I’m much more interested in the topic of Federer and his girlfriend, the sort of Swiss analogue to Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett. That’s not really very nice of me to say, obviously Federer’s girlfriend is substantially better looking than Lyle Lovett, though you wouldn’t know it from the reactions I hear. It makes sense though, given the heightened modelesque standards of being a “tennis girlfriend”, and the expectation that Roger Federer, as the longtime epitome of tennis excellence, ought to also excel in the “tennis girlfriend” arena. I do sort of wonder if history has ever had another average-looking woman so constantly derided for her physical appearance. On the face of it, it seems like I’m exaggerating, but I really can’t think of a better example.

Putting appearance aside, I’m more dumbfounded that Federer’s girlfriend travels with him to all tournaments (a relative ATP Tour rarity) and even more so that she handles all his affairs, which I’ve literally never heard another pro tennis player do. To be more specific, his girlfriend is his money manager!!! This caused me to wonder aloud if Federer decided to make his girlfriend his money manager to give her a job, or if Federer is just really lazy, and was already using her as his money manager, and then figured what the hell, I don’t want to meet any new women, I’ll just date my money manager. If it’s the former (which people tell me it is), it speaks volumes about Roger Federer that he would arrange his life this way. I am obviously nowhere near Federer’s tax bracket, and I would be terrified if my (figurative) girlfriend was my money manager! Every time we had a fight, I would be wondering if she was going to shift assets to her own personal untraceable Cayman Islands account the next morning.

The match continued on in masterful fashion; we were all in awe of the shotmaking by both players. Rafa had some isolated moments of sluggishness, but for the most part, he didn’t seem to have serious lingering effects from his semifinal epic against Verdasco. Still, after Federer won to square it at two sets apiece, I returned to what I had been thinking all match – Federer can play better than he’s playing. Significantly better, really. If Sunday was the first time you had seen him, you’d scoff at that statement, but Federer really had played much better hardcourt tennis. He served poorly through the first four sets, had untimely double faults and played nearly all his break points tentatively. Most tellingly, as Patrick McEnroe continued to harp on, he didn’t attack weak second serves with his forehand, content to just dump a backhand back into play. My impression at the end of four sets (even as I screamed “VAMOS!” at no one in particular) was that Nadal was playing his best hardcourt tennis, but Federer had another gear. I figured the fifth set was Federer’s for the taking.

Turns out I was a liiiitttlle off on that one. Fortunately, I only bet on Davydenko matches.

It was hard to watch, that fifth set. Nobody in the room wanted to see the match end that way. I cringed on several of the Federer errors, and it was even more difficult watching Federer himself. Once he went down the break, you could see it on Federer’s face – the match was over, the title would be Rafa’s. Tennis is such a brutal sport in that sense – there’s no teammates to lean on, no coach to offer you encouragement, and no helmet to hide behind. When you play, you play alone. When you sit, you sit alone. The crowd can hear every word of your complaints to the umpire, and the television audience can see every emotion on your face. For 4 hours, Roger Federer was ready to win his second consecutive Grand Slam title and re-assert himself as the greatest in the world. Four sets in, he was right there.

And suddenly, he wasn’t.

It occurs to me that it shouldn’t be a surprise that Federer wept. With the way the match unfolded, and the respective arcs their careers are on, it would practically be a surprise if he didn’t cry. I can’t imagine Federer truly believes he can win at Roland Garros, and even if he wins at Wimbledon (which I think he likely will), it will take another US Open win for Federer to reclaim his perch. That has to burn just as much as the loss – barring a miracle at the French Open, he won’t really have an opportunity to be again considered the best until September.

The basic narrative of men’s tennis has been the majestic king fending off the fearless upstart since 2005. Suffice it to say, that story is going to need a rewrite.

The Recession Hurts Everyone

Diddy went to the Knicks game. Game is not interesting, Diddy decides to count his benjamins. Suddenly, Diddy sees a bill he has never seen before. It has George Washington on it, who Diddy has long felt was over-emphasized in American history. Diddy is a staunch Jeffersonian. Now Diddy is shocked and Diddy is angry.

Diddy is an emotional sort of cat.

February Links

Links time! Many of you have likely already seen this, but if not, I've really been enjoying passiveaggressivenotes.com lately. I especially love this post, about a girl who invited all her facebook friends to a forum to plan her birthday party, because they totally forgot about it the previous year.

Ali is gamely attempting to start a blog. So far he has only two entries, and it's like 30% he ever writes a third, but hopefully this link will put some pressure on him to write. As far as what the blog is like, let's just say if you like Vish's blog, you're going to like Ali's. Stream. O'. Consciousness.

NBA All-Star Weekend is finally going to have H-O-R-S-E as part of All-Star Saturday, and I couldn't possibly be more excited for this development. You may or may not be aware that I am an absolute beast in H-O-R-S-E. When it's my turn for my own shot, everyone pretty much quivers in fear that I'm going to hit my shot, because my shots are extremely difficult to replicate. The weirdness of my arsenal is unmatched, except for maybe Shawn, who is good at using his right hand to throw the ball over his right shoulder and catching again with the same hand. (I can only do this throwing over my left shoulder - try it if you don't know what I'm talking about, it's a big difference). Anyhow, now the NBA is doing it, and those guys are in another world. Check out Rasheed Wallace hit two three-pointers at the same time, one with each hand. You have to see what Dan Majerle does before EVERY Suns game. Also, check out Morris Peterson, hilariously unable to make any trick shots.

Season 3 of FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS is underway now on NBC, for those who didn't watch on DirecTV. Now is your chance people. This is your last chance to watch the show while it is still technically on the air (I'm almost certain this is the last season). There's time to get on the bus. If you watch it now, starting with season 1, you can still become one of my top 10 friends. That's right, I rank my friends. Number one metric: whether you watch Friday Night Lights. Number two metric: there are no other metrics.

If you have 10 minutes free, and want to raise your heartrate to 160 beats per minute, check out this unreal downhill skateboarding video Sara sent along.

The Question Mark Guy

You'll never guess who I saw last week.
If you're like me, then you've probably seen this guy on cable at some point:

Thursday morning, 6:35 AM EST at Dulles International Airport. I've just walked off a redeye flight from LAX, and am in a state of half-consciousness with my eyes half open. Walking towards me is a guy in a suit...a black suit...covered with pink question marks. At first, I assume I am just having some post-redeye hallucinations. I tell myself this isn't reality, but the 9 Mexican guys who just got off their airport shift are also seeing what I'm seeing. As he walks closer, it's increasingly clear that this is indeed the world-famous question mark suit guy.

Let me emphasize, he's WEARING a question mark suit.

That he apparently defiles all of his suits by covering them with question marks, and then proceeds to live his daily life wearing these suits is...simply phenomenal. I later learned that he drives a Scion, with, of course, orange question marks painted all over the exterior.

His name is Matthew Lesko, and his ravings about "FREE MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT!" have filled the cable commercial airwaves for years, as he apparently finds a never ending stream of fools to buy his book of secrets. He's so ubiquitous, that Googling "question mark guy" yields a preposterously high number of correct hits, including one person who decided to ask all of cyberspace on Yahoo! Answers whether they would marry the question mark guy. (The "best" answer says yes, because he's a "dynamo in bed".)

I may need to revise my best celebrity sightings list.

Movies Reviewed By My Dad: The Visitor

If you watch a lot of movies, or follow the Academy Awards, you may have seen (or at least heard of) "The Visitor", a heartfelt/boring human drama, for which lead actor Richard Jenkins has been nominated for a Best Actor Academy Award.

I happened to see the movie on a plane, and while I appreciate the performances and the subtlety, what I just said is really a complete lie. It's undeniably well done for what it is, but the movie is just not an appealing experience to me, unless I was trying to sink into depression as slowly as possible.

My dad mentioned he was about to watch the movie last week, and I told him I didn't think it was his type of film, that it was too slow-paced and not concerning a subject he would care about. He watched it the other day, and we had the following exchange:

Dad: I watched "The Visitor" last night. It was OK but not very good.
Me: It was slow and boring, right?
Dad: Yes. The good thing is the English is also very slow so I got most of the words.