The Panel Of Genius: August, Part Two

This is Part Two of "The Panel of Genius", an expert panel (Ali, Justin, Leo, Vish and Winston) assembled to opine on random sports-related questions thrown their way. If you missed Part One, catch up here.

What is the worst sports-related show on television - you can't say "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith"?

Leo: It has to be "Cold Pizza", right? I mean, I can live with outrageous statements (Stephen A.). I can live with heated debates over dead horses (Bonds). But what I can't live with is Skip Bayless who is like a white man's Ralph Wiley.

Winston: The ESPN Fantasy Football Draft special was pretty awful. I didn't see the whole thing but Rex Grossman was drafted. MMA that isn't on Spike can be pretty bad too. A bunch of guys hugging for 30 minutes.

Ali: Do "extreme" sports count? I would have to say that show on MTV called ["Scarred"] or something to that effect. Or the WNBA. (ed.note: Ali for some reason thought this show was called "Scrapped", hence the brackets.)

Justin: "Best Damn Sports Show Period". To be fair, I have never really sat down and watched this show. The crappy production and the presence of John Salley makes me change the channel to Fresno, CA vs. India.

Vish: Including "Quite Frankly" in my thought process, I was about to give this to my first reaction, the "Best Damn Sports Show Period". But the worst show has to be that countdown show on Fox Sports Net. I can't even think of the name, but they interview random C-list celebrities and ask them their opinion on sports and ask them to rank who the best all-time college football team is...hate that crap.

If taking a ridiculous amount of steroids guaranteed you a Major League Baseball roster spot, would you do it?

Vish: Yes...definitely. League minimum is $380,000. I'm not going to make that any time soon, if ever, in my line of work, so yes, I'd do it. I'm a smart guy, I'll be able to make something of myself after my playing days are over. And I'll have some money saved up to live a nice life. We cant all be i-bankers like Mr. Ma over here to make good money. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Ali: Since I am part of the camp that doesn't believe everyone is on steroids, unlike yourself haha, I am going to say no.

Justin: What, exactly, is a "ridiculous" amount of steroids? Do I die tomorrow? In a year? Just go sterile and grow boobs? Oh, screw it. Yes, yes I would.

Winston: Depends on what size my breasts are already. I would say no. Football or basketball maybe, since that would actually be fun.

Leo: In particular order, but the best 5 reasons I could think of for each:

Benefits of being a pro baseball player: (1) presumably fun job (outfield looks boring as shit) (2) having fans (3) being rich (4) pulling lots of 'gina (5) generally being well fed and well treated
Negatives of being a pro baseball player: (1) being out of work by age 40 and having few if any other skills in life to offer the world (2) travel (3) putting myself up for judgment by fans (having low self esteem when I get booed) (4) getting hit by pitches (5) probably getting injured 6-10 times in my career
Negatives of being a steroid user: (1) acne (2) testicular abnormalities (3) getting caught and/or being accused of being a cheater (4) injections (5) possibly decreasing the quality of my offspring
Benefits of being a steroid user: (1) becoming a baseball player (2) big guns (3) fitting in (not having to awkwardly say things like "that's not my scene" in the locker room when Sheffield passes me the needle) (4) knowing I don't have to work out as much as the next guy (5) needle welding skills, thus having one more skill to offer the world after I retire.

Honestly though, I mainly fear the long-term physical consequences and possibly the shame/criminal charges of being caught. Beyond that though, it's a no-brainer. Being a professional athlete would be amazing. Stick me and put me in coach.

Finally, everyone, what's the best kind of pro athlete to be and why?

Winston: Basketball or baseball since they'll still have their heads intact at the end of their careers but the pay is still good. Basketball wins because the baseball season is so long (and boring).

Vish: Golf. You play when you want to, you make good money, and it's not nearly as physically intense as any other sport. Football and hockey look painful, there's a lot of contact in basketball, and baseball is too long of a season. But golf. Yeah. That seems like a good sport for a lazy ass like myself.

Ali: In America I would say the NBA, any other country, save Canada, I say soccer. I choose the NBA over MLB for obvious reasons, sorry Vish, and NBA over NFL because I would like the ability to use all my limbs and remember my childhood when I get older, something which is definitely not guaranteed in the NFL. All the reasons I attached to basketball apply to soccer in every other country, I guess the main competition might be hockey which has the same injury risk factor as the NFL.

Leo: This is a tough question and I think what makes this question so tough is that many sports like baseball and football are so specialized by position. The differences between being a lineman a quarterback and a punter are so immense that it's not really fair to speak about football in general (as a side note, my friends and I decided that an NFL punter is the best job in sports (utility maximization) and that it would be exceedingly easy to train a young child into become a great punter and thus a professional athlete). Regardless, I wouldn't choose one of the big three (football, basketball and baseball), mainly because despite the bigger payoff (women, fame, riches), they all come with a much bigger price (injuries, shorter careers). In fact, I'm not sure I'd want to be a professional football player at all (except punter) even I could be one. Assuming we're talking an average "pro athlete" the average career of football player is so short that I think in the long run, being a true professional (doctor, lawyer, professional paper pusher like yourself Eric) would actually work out better financially. But you would get laid more as an athlete.

I think my choice would be golf. As an average golf player you remain relatively anonymous (fame probably ranking the lowest on my priority list) and you make surprisingly good money (you make like 10 Gs for just showing up to a U.S. Open). Moreover, you rarely get injured and can generally practice without breaking too much of a sweat. It's social, but independent, and if you really get the itchin' to win a few tournaments, you can always pull a Hale Irwin and join the senior tour at a relatively young age and clean up. The downside is probably the women. I know this sounds stupid, trivial, and sophomoric, but its a core part of the athlete/rock star fantasy. Obviously you want attention, but really you want the attention from nubile 20-35 year old females (nubile - what a great word). But think about the answer to this: does Justin Leonard get laid as much as Jason Varitek? Of course- they are both married and I'm sure they both have hot wives.

Justin: A baseball closer. You are highly paid, with guaranteed contracts and a powerful player union, to come in 2-3 times a week to throw one inning each time with your team ahead. Most of the time, you just jog around in practice (because you're a pitcher), shag a few fly balls, and read Maxim in the dugout. You can be fat and no one cares as long as you have two good pitches. Your conditioning can be fairly average, as long as you can make it from the bullpen to the mound without collapsing. Winded after throwing a few pitches? Take your time, walk off the mound, catch your breath. One might argue that there is a lot of "mental stress" involved here, but come on - you can give up runs most of the time and no one even cares, as long as you get three outs before losing the game.

A close second is probably "high school basketball phenom entering the NBA draft as a sure lottery pick." Even if you suck, you will get 2 more guaranteed contracts after your rookie contract runs out from teams who are blinded by your potential. Kudos if you can show occasional flashes of brilliance. Exhibit A: Kwame Brown.

Also, neither a closer nor an NBA player stands the risk of dying and losing all future earnings potential like an NFL player. Or, dying and no one noticing, like an NHL player.

Thank you, Panel of Genius. This feature will recur every two months on "Things I Type" - if you're interested in becoming a member of the Panel of Genius, please let me know. The only criteria is that you have to be a genius. If any non-sports fans have made it all the way down here, I'm also toying with the idea of establishing separate Panels of Genius for other topics, such as celebrity talk or food. If that is of interest to you, please also let me know. Again, remember, the necessary qualifications (no exceptions) are that you are a genius.

The Panel Of Genius: August, Part One

You know what there's too much of on this blog? Me. To reduce that, I have assembled a panel of geniuses to weigh in on random sports and pseudo-sports questions. I naturally call them "The Panel of Genius". This round, the panel is (in no particular order) Vish, Ali, Winston, Justin and Leo. Their credentials are at once unimpeachable and non-existent. I gave each panelist 6 questions to answer - the answers were uniformly genius, so I've decided to run all of them and break it up into two parts. Here's the first 3 questions.

My least favorite type of guy to play pickup basketball with/against is the guy who sweats profusely, and then insists on playing the low post and creating tons of contact with his sweat. What is your least favorite/most hated type of pickup player?

Vish: The out-of-control point guard who thinks he is good...small, about 5'7", 130 lbs, fastest player on the court, but plays out of control. Runs into people, calls 45 fouls a game, puts up 30 shots, airballs most, but makes a few lucky plays, thus justifying the out of control play. Wears clothes that are 8 sizes too big, including an insane amount of headbands and wristbands, talks too much trash and genuinely thinks he is the best player on the court. I hate this guy mainly because he thinks he's a 9/10 when in reality he's a 5/10.

Ali: I hate the over trash-talking point guard that sucks ass but thinks he's good because his team wins (not on the count of his skills, rather his teammates'). This is probably going to be a by-the-position answer as I tend not to have to guard sweaty lost post dudes.

Justin: The guy who's just a little too intense and ends up causing 1-2 injuries a game, whether it is by stepping on someone's foot, throwing an "accidental" elbow, or diving for a loose ball and crashing into someone else who didn't think it was Game 7 of the NBA finals. This guy also claps his hands a lot and screams "DEFENSE! YEAH! COME ON, COME ON, ROLL TO THE BASKET! THAT'S THREE SECONDS!"

Winston: Ooh, this is tough. I think it's a tie between the guy that calls fouls on every play or the guy that says "and one" and misses the shot. I'm usually the sweaty low post guy so I don't care about that.

Leo: For me, this answer to this question has always been a primary antagonist of my basketball insecurities: The Asian Sniper. I've always hated, hated the asian sniper for two real good reasons. First, I'm always guarding him because others think that I might be a sniper myself (a fusion of the "takes one to know one" and "all look same" cliches). The Asian Sniper is extremely hard to guard because his whole game is built around being sneaky and the unguardable "catch and release." Furthermore, he only shoots threes and and can't miss and so it's inevitable that he will make me look bad. Second, going back to the "I might be one myself" point, I am often mistaken for this man because (1) my other skills are thin (2) I am not particularly tall (3) I am Asian. I remember one pick-up game when I was playing with 4 white dudes and on the first set, they inbounded the ball to me as if I was the obvious choice for point. This struck me as extremely hilarious and disturbing since none of them had seen me dribble and playing the point is obviously the farthest thing from my natural position: role player. A few other times I remember the opposing team pointing at me and being like "don't leave that kid alone in the corner," which is is also hilarious because that's like Avery Johnson pointing to Nick Collison and being like, "don't let that man out of your sight for a second." Needless to say, on all those days my true colors showed themselves very, very quickly and I ended up disappointing my teammates and lowering my self-esteem.

Is it unfair that the United States always gets one team in the final of the Little League World Series?

Ali: I was thinking about this the other day and I couldn't wrap my head around how this fair.

Winston: I know absolutely nothing about the little league world series. I'm not even sure if you mean min. or max. one team. I don't think the U.S. should be treated any differently than other countries.

Leo: I'm not sure this is that relevant a question. Intuitively the answer is "of course it's unfair," but I don't think the original design was for it to be an Olympic-type tournament, but probably like the actual world series. With the blossoming international sports scene, it was redesigned to its current format. However, what I do find frustrating is that in its current form we have really zero way of knowing who the best team is. I mean I guess you could say we know from the international semi final who the best "non-U.S." team is but the championship game itself gives really no information about where the U.S. team measures up. I'd almost prefer if they would mix the two brackets (in a way making it more unfair) but at least giving us more U.S./World competition.

Justin: Yes. We're a huge country - why can't we put together the U.S. all-star team and enter the tournament like everyone else? (Side note here - I think the perfect little league team would be composed of 9 hulking, 5'10" 13 year old power hitters who look like they are 19. This assumes one of them could pitch, of course. There is no defense in the games, you can't steal bases, and the umpiring is horrible, so why not just try to hit homers every at-bat?)

Vish: I thought so a few years ago, but countries like Saudi Arabia have like 1 league and send them the the qualifying rounds to make it to the LLWS. Meanwhile [Palos Verdes, CA] had 4 leagues, with each league going to district finals and then through state, etc. So basically not so much, because we have so many more little league teams and leagues than other countries.

Do you think Danica Patrick is hot?

Winston: Yes, if I saw her on the street, I would think she's hot. Looking at a bunch of straight on head shots, she looks a tad little masculine.

Vish: For an average person, shes alright. For someone in the entertainment spotlight, no. I think she gets overrated because shes not butch like most female athletes, but she's not super hot.

Justin: Not really. I was briefly excited when she splashed on the scene, but the novelty faded. It would help if she was in a real sport and I could see her face when she is competing in her sport.

Leo: On the binary scale Danica is obviously a 1. Compared to other hot celebs, Danica is definitely "nothing special." And of course compared to the average US 21-30 female, she is very attractive. However, none of these statements gets at the question you're trying to answer. Knowing that Danica is worthy enough for a one night stand does not say anything about her worthiness.

That answer is much more complicated. Here is mine:
Danica Patrick is less than Maria Sharapova is less than Anna Kournikova
Danica Patrick = (Amanda Beard + Nathalie Coughlin) / 2
Amanda Beard + Nathalie Coughlin is less than Anna Kournikova
Danica Patrick + 1996 Katarina Witt + (Gabriel Reece)^1/2 = Anna Kournikova (pre-Englsias, stretching her quads at Wimbledon during her semi-final run)
Danica Patrick = 80% Jennifer Connelly

Ali: I'm going to say no.

Thanks to everyone for participating, stay tuned for the even better Part Two of The Panel of Genius!

Celebrity Fan Club

"Selena" was on TV the other day - I didn't watch it, but it got me thinking about celebrity fan clubs. Selena, of course, was famously murdered in 1995 by her then-35 year-old fan club president. At the time, I didn't really understand that the fan club was a business venture this woman had been appointed to run for Selena. I thought it was just like, this club, and to become president, she had to be elected by the members of the Selena fan club. Just like the Mira Catalina Elementary School student council, my only real frame of reference at the time. I recall thinking that it was odd that a 35-year old would want to run for "the office of" fan club president. Didn't she think it was weird that she was running against kids who were 10 years old? Even at my young age, I felt it odd that a woman so old (and especially so old-looking) would want to be in some pop artist's fan club. It seemed as strange as if my dad were to join Color Me Badd's official fan club.

Anyways, I notice I never hear anything about celebrity fan clubs anymore. When I was younger, I felt besieged by offers to join fan clubs for actors, actresses, music groups and the like. $8.99 would get you a one-year membership to the Boyz II Men fan club, whereby you would receive the quarterly Boyz II Men newsletter (I always wondered what they put in things like this) and your very own T-shirt!

I guess there's two simple explanations at work here. One is that celebrity fan clubs have simply become Internet fansites, and the second is just that I'm not 8 years old, and don't see the ads because I'm not meant to. But even so, I feel like the culture of the fan club is waning. There seem to be a lot fewer individual band/actress/actor fansites than there were when the Internet first got going. After all, what's so great about a Good Charlotte newsletter with info and pictures when you could pick up an US Weekly and get all that and more. There's no way for me to prove this, but I feel like the celebrity fan club is dying.

I'm curious if any readers were ever at any point in an official fan club for someone. It would be really funny if you were in the Lou Bega Fan Club or something, but anything will do. What did the club entail? Did you pay money? Does the club still exist?

My Funny Cab Driver

After my flight to Boston seated next to the 365-pound behemoth, I took a cab to Cambridge, driven by a remarkably intense Nigerian guy. He asked me what route I wanted to take to get to Cambridge, at which point I admitted I wasn't from Boston and had no idea. Upon learning I was not a Boston native, my previously intense cab driver inexplicably became this hyper-cheerful tour guide. The exit he wanted to take was closed, so we had to detour to the first sight along the tour:

"You see that? You see that THERE? That is CHINATOWN!"

So he noticed I'm Asian, I thought. I suppose my black hair, brown eyes, and integral calculus tattoos all over my neck are sort of a dead giveaway.

"Yes, it sure looks like Chinatown," I mumbled, straining for something to say.
"No, no looks! It IS! That IS Chinatown!"
"Right - it's Chinatown."
"That is CHINATOWN!"
"Yes, yes, Chinatown," I repeated.
"You should go!"

My driver was perfectly nice, I was just tired and not in a particularly talkative mood. As we approached other intersections, the tour continued.

"Do you know what that way is??!?!"
"No."
"If you go that way you get to DOWNTOWN!"
"Got it, downtown."
"Do you know what road this is?!?!"
"Umm, no, I don't."
"This is MASS AVE!!!" We passed a street sign. I looked at it. My driver was correct, this was in fact Massachusetts Avenue.
"Do you know what that statue is??!??!"
"No."

Do you know, do you know, do you know. He must have "quizzed" me on 6 other things. We pulled up to a building I recognized as MIT from visiting Derek in college. I waited a beat, and what do you know...

"Do you know what that building is?!?!?"

I thought about not answering, but the guy was just trying to be friendly, no need to be standoffish.

"Sure, that's MIT, right?", I offered.
"HAHAHAHHA OHHHH HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA OHHHHHHH HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!!!!!!!!" His whole body trembled with raucous glee. "I KNOW you are going to know what THIS is!! I look at you and I think 'THIS he will know for SURE! It is EMM EYE TEE! I KNOW you will know!!!!'"

I couldn't help but laugh. I also began to reconsider my calculus tattoos. Maybe they tell the world a little bit too much.

Extreme Makeover

As you can see, "Things I Type" has undergone a little bit of a makeover. Not all the pictures in the header really fit the overall look I'm aiming for, so you might see some changes to that, but otherwise, I think I'm set with this as the template going forward. Hope it's readable, that's still the number one priority.

Fatty McFatty

So here's the situation: I booked an exit row seat on a JetBlue flight from DC to Boston. One of the things I love about JetBlue is the personal television - quite simply, I love television, and by the transitive property, I love JetBlue. But choosing an exit row seat is always a dicey proposition - I'm a fairly tall guy, so it really helps to have the extra leg room, but at the same time, fatties always make sure to get an exit row seat for the same reasons. So taking the exit row seat comes fraught with the risk of fatties surrounding me.

Some of my friends, whose names I will leave out, definitively hate fat people. And I do mean hate. If they could, they would establish a Michael Vick-like underground world where they forced fat people to fight to the death and anyone who refused would be drowned in Crisco. The crazy thing is, I'm only barely exaggerating. I like to think I try my best to be a tolerant person. I'm not the greatest, but I really do try to understand everyone's individual situation. But that being said, there's few creatures I dislike more than the airplane fattie.

I walk down the aisle...12A is my seat...12A...and there in 12B is a man who I would describe to the police thusly:

Height: 5'11"

Weight: 365 lbs

Body Fat: 47%. Or whatever "a whole lot" is in percentage terms.

Smell: Something less than spectacular. It's interesting that I like eating Cheetos, yet am repulsed by someone who smells like Cheetos.

If you used to watch "Boy Meets World", this guy looked just like Frankie, except WAY bigger. I couldn't help but stare in rapt fascination and fear. How could a man be so fat? What could he possibly eat to be this size? Did he eat other people? I mean, even then...

His pounds of blubber oozed out of the helplessly tiny seat, completely enveloping our shared armrest. I would literally have had to dig my hand into his lumpy flesh to get my headphones into the jack. And even then, I wouldn't be able to change the channel. And it's not like I could simply ask him to lean to the side - he would have to completely get up. I considered what one channel I would watch if I asked him to get up. Would I choose ESPN? Is that too cliche?

As this behemoth shamelessly took up half of my space, I realized that he exerted so much pressure on my armrest that he might break my headphones if I put them in the jack. I decided the safest move was just to listen to music and read, two options dramatically inferior to 36 in-flight channels. Then, without a shred of self-awareness, the fattie plugs in his own headset and starts watching "Wall Street". The film's thematic disdain for excess appeared to be lost on his fat ass.

Fatties should have to pay for two airline seats; I don't even understand the arguments to the contrary. It's not some inviolable right that we all pay the same price for everything. If a fattie wants to eat double what I eat for lunch, he buys two lunches and pays double. So when the fattie wants to use up twice the airline space, he should pay for two seats.

This kind of pricing rule would benefit everyone in the long run. Regular passengers would have a better flight experience and fatties would have a measurable financial incentive to drop weight. Effectively, you are already taxed for being a smoker, you are already taxed for being a drinker. The airline rule would essentially be a fattie tax, and we'd all be better off as a result.

Yet another thing that would be different if I ruled the world.

Minesweeper

Just passing this along (I got it from Stephanie). Did you ever play Minesweeper on your computer? While playing, did you ever think, "this would make a great live action movie"? If you didn't think that, well, time to think some more.

My Brush With Fame

One of the blogs I frequent is the Steven Levitt – Stephen Dubner “Freakonomics” blog, inspired by the book of the same name. A couple weeks ago they did a Q&A session with Jim Cramer. If you’re not in the finance world, you still know Jim Cramer – he’s the short ranting lunatic you see above the stock ticker when you channel surf past CNBC. I never watch his show or anything, but if you work in finance it’s hard not to know who he is. A video below to help inform the curious – he turns into a stark raving lunatic (even for him) around the middle. I love how awkward he makes it for the reporter in this segment.



Anyways, his introduction for the Q&A on “Freakonomics” included this quote:

"On the show, I say stupid things, yell “Booyah” with alarming frequency, and occasionally wear a diaper or jump into a pile of lettuce to illustrate the finer points of investing. God knows why, but there seems to be a market for this kind of idiocy."

Although he professes to be something of a societal misfit, that quote almost suggests he’s not truly insane, but puts on a show because that’s what the public wants, and that’s what makes him money.

So in light of this “claim”, I’d like to share my personal story with Jim Cramer. It was a standard night at Citigroup, I got off work around 10 pm and was standing in line for a black car to go home. Suddenly this bald midget in a suit and tie storms across, with a look on his face like someone just slept with his wife. He wasn't really a midget, but looked like he was under 5’2”. As he got closer, it seemed he was making a beeline right for me. Had I slept with his wife? The bald midget continued to approach, and noticed me a moment too late, and bumped me hard in the hip.

“Hey man, watch where you’re going”, I said.
“NICE quarter,” responded the midget derisively. He shook his head in disgust at me, and stormed off down the block.
What? Nice quarter? What the hell is he talking about? At that moment I recalled that Citigroup had announced earlier that day that it would miss its quarterly earnings projections by 2 cents a share. But even so, why would some random guy tell me that? It’s 10 pm, I’m just some 23-year old kid, what the hell? Ow, my hip kind of hurts.

The people in front of me in line noticed what had happened, and started to chime in.
“What was that all about?”
“What did he mean, ‘nice quarter’?”
“I think he means Citigroup missed earnings today,” I suggested.
“What? Who the hell says something like that?”

At that point, a fairly important Citigroup employee at the front of the line looked backed at us and said, “You know who that is, don’t you?”
“No, who was that?”
“That’s that lunatic who yells about stocks on TV – Jim Cramer.”
“OHHHHHHHHHHH – whoa.” Silence.

I then stepped back and took measure of what had just transpired. Jim Cramer, current television celebrity and future insane asylum patient, had consciously walked past an inconveniently located Citigroup building, and made a point to insult random junior Citigroup employees for their "poor" performance, many of whom did not even comprehend his attempted insult. Amidst all this brilliance, he rammed his shoulder into my hip, and because I bruise like a peach, I could see the effects for a couple days.

Jim Cramer is insane.

Did Somebody Say...McDonalds?

Do you guys still eat at McDonalds? Ali asked me about this the other day, and I realized I hadn't eaten there since August 2005, which was creepily specific, but nonetheless true. So I've now gone two years without once eating at McDonalds (excluding the time last month I got a Powerade there for 49 cents).

Two years marks the longest period in life I have gone without eating a meal at McDonalds, and I don't miss anything from their menu. I don't like their meat, their cheese, their buns or their toppings. If I want a burger, I can't imagine why I would ever go to McDonalds over In-N-Out or Shake Shack or 1000 other burger places. I used to eat their Chicken McNuggets, but then they made this horribly misinformed decision and eliminated all the "dark meat" nuggets, which, as anyone I trust with regards to food will tell you, are the only ones you really want. In fact, if I made a list of every fast food place out there, McDonalds would only beat out Hardees and possibly Burger King.

Stuff like "Super Size Me" and "Fast Food Nation" isn't really what turned me off to McDonald's, though I admit it doesn't help. I do think for the level of damage you're doing to your body, more deliciousness should be required.

Even their massive advertising budget has ceased to have any effect on me. As a kid, McDonalds had some classic advertising, like the Michael Jordan/Larry Bird game of horse. And Grimace, the purple blob that can't talk, but don't get me started on that. Now it's just a slew of crap, much of it painfully attempting to be hip. I cringe all the time at McDonalds commercials these days. The worst ones I ever saw were the various "rap" songs promoting McGriddles, showing people (who would get their ass beat if they looked that corny in those neighborhoods) devoting their day to eating McGriddles. Eventually this gave way to the marginally less stupid "a woman is like a McGriddle" metaphor commercial where this bitch totally eats this guy's McGriddle without even asking him, forcing him to go buy another one. Unfortunately I can't find any of these commercials online, because generally, nobody bothers to post terrible commercials. Except for this one.

This isn't an anti-McDonalds manifesto, really just wondering if anyone else stopped eating there.

Talking To Myself: Movies

Eric: Eric, I hear you have left California again. Will you miss it?
Eric: Yes, it's a shame, I love it out there. But now I'm in Washington, DC and while I will miss the superior weather, hamburgers, and attractive women, I will have the opportunity to learn a lot more about our nation's government. So it's pretty much a wash.

Eric: Your civic focus is indeed admirable. Now let's talk movies. Seen anything recently?
Eric: I saw the newest Harry Potter with Rich last week. I gotta say, I just don't get why people love these movies, especially people who don't read the books. This movie was especially bad, it was like 2 hours of exposition. The kid who plays Harry has only two expressions, scared and scared-but-determined. I never get all the talk about how dark and layered these movies are; I happen to think they're very superficial. Rowling's books are long, and chock full of detail - the movie is a rushed-but-also-numbingly-slow glance at what seems like 100 different characters. And Harry isn't growing meaningfully, other than two minutes devoted to un-illustrated nightmares and him being bitchy with his friends. Without real character development, all we have is an episodic TV show where Harry always escapes death in the end. Anyways, I'm done watching these movies. No need to try to convince me otherwise.

Eric: Well, I won't try, since as you know, I agree with nearly everything you ever say. Care to comment on any other summer movies?
Eric: Spiderman 3 was loaded with unintentional laughs. The woman seated next to me even left before the movie ended, causing another eruption of laughter in the theater. I love that Kirsten Dunst's role was that of a bad actress. How convenient to be able to play yourself in a movie.

Eric: You're being very negative. When Tobey Maguire was crying out that couples should work through their problems, I was honestly moved to tears.
Eric: That is because you are an idiot.

Eric: Fair enough. Any recommendations?
Eric: If you're willing to watch a documentary, "Hoop Dreams" (1994) is about as good a movie as I've ever seen. It's long, but I promise it's worth it. It nominally chronicles the lives of two inner-city Chicago kids chasing a dream of basketball stardom, but that description doesn't do the film any justice. Some people more versed in movies describe this a bit better.

Eric: You know I'm not watching any documentaries. I want a fun recommendation.
Eric: You're such a simpleton. Well, how about "Out of Sight" (1998), Steven Soderbergh's take on Elmore Leonard's story of a bank robber who falls in love with the US Marshal (Karen Sisco, in case anyone ever saw that TV show) he kidnaps. It's baffling to me that "Ocean's Eleven" could be so popular while this other Soderbergh movie is so unknown. The movies share a certain comic sensibility, and the material is heightened by an electric, hilarious cast including George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez (this was pre-J. Lo, she was really very appealing then), Ving Rhames, Don Cheadle, Steve Zahn, Isaiah Washington, Catherine Keener and Albert Brooks. It has an astounding 92% fresh rating on rottentomatoes.com, plus a pretty cool cameo from everyone's favorite Batman, Michael Keaton. I'm sure you'll like this, I don't know anyone who doesn't.

Additionally, here's my favorite movies each year from 1994-2004, plus one movie whose popularity baffles me. Why that time period? I don't have to explain myself to anyone, so there.
1994
Favorites: Hoop Dreams, Shawshank Redemption, Quiz Show
Baffling: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective - I just don't think I get it. Some moments are mildly amusing, but I fail to see why this is an iconic film for my generation.
1995
Favorites: Se7en, Usual Suspects
Baffling: Babe - I guess every now and then an animal movie has to be a hit.
1996
Favorites: Swingers, Shall We Dance, Jerry Maguire
Baffling: Twister. I cannot think of a single good thing about this movie. It was 1996 when I first learned that people will watch anything if it's marketed well.
1997
Favorites: L.A. Confidential, Good Will Hunting, Wag The Dog (I often wonder if I am the only person to like this movie a lot)
Baffling: The Full Monty. Yet another universally "hilarious" movie I think is mediocre.
1998
Favorites: The Truman Show, Rush Hour, There's Something About Mary. 1998 is an incredible year for movies. The year includes Rushmore, The Big Lebowski, American History X, Pleasantville, Gods and Monsters, Dark City, Elizabeth, Saving Private Ryan, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and the previously mentioned Out of Sight.
Baffling: The Waterboy. This was the beginning of the end for me with Adam Sandler. Like, I should not have to pay theater prices for production value this low.
1999
Favorites: The Sixth Sense, Being John Malkovich, Toy Story 2
Baffling: The Mummy. I'm not above big special-effects blockbusters, but this just wasn't anything special to me. Oh, and I obviously despise The Blair Witch Project.
2000
Favorites: The Contender, High Fidelity (sad what's happened to Jack Black, isn't it?), Crouching Tiger
Baffling: None of the popular stuff really disgruntles me, the closest being Erin Brockovich and Scary Movie
2001
Favorites: Shrek, Black Hawk Down, Ocean's Eleven
Baffling: Lord of the Rings. I hear Dave Ruttenberg loves this movie though.
2002
Favorites: Adaptation, Bourne Identity, About a Boy. 2002 was sort of a thin year for movies, as I looked at the list I even considered putting Far From Heaven on here.
Baffling: My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I think maybe I needed to be 45 years old to appreciate this fully.
2003
Favorites: Mystic River, Big Fish, 21 Grams
Baffling: Hard to pick anything.
2004
Favorites: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Incredibles, Maria Full of Grace
Baffling: National Treasure. To all the people who told me to watch this, insisting it wasn't as stupid as the preview made it appear, I just want to state officially that this is a really stupid movie.

Okay, if you've made it this far, you deserve to have a say in my next "Suspending Disbelief" entry, where I go into incredible detail on the improbability of a given movie. Here are the choices: Drumline, Speed, Above the Rim, Independence Day. Voting at the top right.