The Panel Of Genius: November, Part Two

This is Part Two of November's "The Panel of Genius", an expert panel assembled to opine on random sports-related questions thrown their way. If you missed Part One, catch up now.

With the success/dominance of the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics, how much do you despise Boston right now?

Leo: You know, I like the Patriots a lot, despite the fact that they have a future Republican president taking their snaps. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I've always felt like Bill Belicheck is Michael Jordan of coaching...someone who operates at such a high level that the work they do in their position transcends the combined work of everyone else on the opposing team. Michael Jordan, despite being a shoot-first guard, was able to win 6 championships because he was just so much better than everyone else that nothing else mattered (much of this of course has to do with the fact that Michael Jordan was an NBA basketball player during the absolute lowest talent point of the league in the last 20 years, but I digress). I also have to admit I cheered the Red Sox during their 2004 season because I wanted to see them beat the Yankees and I felt sympathy for their team and fans. And I love Ray Allen's jumper. But the answer to your question is "a lot." Those smug sons of bitches.

Ali: The teams of Boston I hate quite a bit (with the exception of the Patriots who have the potential to make me a little cash this winter.) The city of Boston, kind of tired of their shit. Not really sure how to explain it but they just bug the crap out of me. The last thing to come out of Boston that made me happy to know they are part of our great nation is "The Departed", and even that they stole from the Chinese. I don't know where I am going with this anymore, but if the Celtics take the title this year after the Pats win the super bowl, I might have to forever ban ESPN and PTI from ever being watched in my home.

Vish: I do hate Boston, but not more so now than before. It's hard to hate something more than I already hate Boston. The Red Sox won (I'm still mad at Cleveland) but the Patriots and Celtics have yet to really accomplish anything. Plus I cant hate the Patriots any more than I already do. I worked the Chargers-Patriots playoff game last year and the amount of grown men I saw who were all gladly willing to get on their knees and deep-throat Tom Brady was enough to make me sick for a lifetime. Plus, I'm not convinced that they will win the Super Bowl this year [ed. note: Really? I am.]. As for the Celtics, sure they are off to a good start, but they are still old, and they still play in the east, which only really has 2-3 good teams. Maybe if they consistently beat the Spurs, Mavs, Rockets, etc. from the west, then I'll buy in to the hype. But for now they are nothing more than the NBA equivalent of Boston College. Start off hot, make everyone think they are for real, then fade into obscurity, and prove that they were a sham. However, I would really be shocked if the Boston Bruins started winning.

Brian: I don't even want to waste my time answering this fucking question. How much more of my life has to be spent looking at highlights and clips of Boston sports? I hate Boston and everything that comes out of that turd of a city. I hope someone drops a fucking bomb on that fucking city and does the US a favor. I seriously think I hate that city more than anything else right now. My feelings of hatred for Boston are stronger than my feelings of racism towards random groups of people who I won't mention here. But anyways, yes I fucking hate that city and I hate everyone that lives there, roots for their teams, and has that stupid fucking accent. Sit down and die already city of Boston. Its not really the city but just the Red Sox. I hate the fucking Sox. They've won twice in 4 years or something but they fucking act like they've won 26 championships (Yankees). They won twice in 4 years sure. But they've also won twice in 80+ years. Just sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. I dont like the Sox because they act like they are the greatest team in the history of baseball when they are just the best team in the past few years.

Justin: It's not so much that I despise Boston. It's more that I despise the smugness of Boston fans, starting with one of my favorite sportswriters, Bill Simmons. Simmons used to be great - he was fresh and different, and his columns always offered refreshing takes on sports, pop culture, etc. Now all his articles are either 1) whiny defenses of why it's still okay for him to love Boston sports or 2) pompous, self-congratulatory rants about how great his teams are and how they are going to win the championship, and really, he doesn't mind that you hate the Sox and the Celtics and the Patriots, because they're going to win. Just by writing this, it's clear that he desperately wants you to love his teams too.

Boston fans are like the guy who was a loser in high school, so tried a little bit too hard to be liked, and made things awkward so people liked him even less. Over time, some people started feeling sorry for him. Then he won the lottery and decided to throw lavish parties to rub it in everyone's face. Only that guy is still a little insecure that he doesn't have any real friends, only people who hopped on the bandwagon and pretend to like him because he's rich. He pretends he's okay that some people hate him for being an ass, but deep down inside, he's just scared to wake up and find himself a loser again.

Also, I hate Boston because McHale gave Garnett away to the Celtics for a crappy package, just because he used to be a Celtic. Instead of letting Magic own part of the Lakers, wouldn't the Lakers be better served asking Magic to go buy another team so that he could make crappy trades that benefit the Lakers?

What's the best nickname in sports, current or past? Also: what would your nickname be?

Ali: Chocolate Thunder...for both.

Justin: Tough question. I'm going to go with Pistol Pete Maravich, just edging out Dr. J. I like Human Highlight Film, but it's too long to roll off the tongue. Pistol Pete just describes the way he played so perfectly.

My nickname would probably be "Little Yi." This is because I am Asian and no one would be able to tell us apart, other than the fact that I am 14 inches shorter.

Brian: The best nickname in sports is indicted/accused/charged ___________ (fill in the blank). Games are the meat of the sandwich, sure, but the toppings and condiments that give sports flavor is what happens off the field. Sports are soap operas for men. The kinds of trouble that these grown men get into is hilarious and I love seeing young rich men ruin their lives before they're 30.

Leo: My nickname would be "looked better during the warm-up." I haven't really thought of my favorite nickname, but I will say that I exceedingly enjoyed calling Olowakandi "Kandi Man" and Jason Williams "White Chocolate."

Vish: My nickname in little league was "Lightning." On one play, while I was at first, the ball got past the catcher, and went to the backstop, the catcher went back to get it, picked it up, looked over at my team's dugout (he was friends with some players on my team, like my brother and a few others) THEN threw the ball down to second base TO STILL throw me out in my attempt to steal. I then walked back to the dugout to see my brother and all of the other, older, players on my team laughing hysterically. So for the rest of the season, I was "Lightning". So I'm gonna have to go with that as my sports nickname. I would like to mention that I feel like im a little faster now, and if I were to race down a basketball court with almost anyone that we play basketball with these days, I wouldn't lose by more than a few steps. Unless you're some freak of nature that likes to run, like David Hill.

Best of all time? "Shoeless" Joe Jackson. New nicknames like Hibachi or the Black Mamba or whatever the hell athletes want to call themselves these days are all wack, so they don't even get considered. For a nickname to really be great it has to almost take the place of the player's real name. So take Joe Jackson, who was a great player in his day, but if I were to ask baseball fans what they thought of Joe Jackson, most people wouldn't know who the hell I'm talking about. Throw in "Shoeless" and 9/10 DO know who I'm talking about, and that lone dissenter is an idiot. You gotta always account for idiots. William "Refrigerator" Perry and Adam "Pacman" Jones are right up there for the same reasons, but I personally like Shoeless better because it means that the guy loved his sport enough to play barefoot, as opposed to the guy who loved to eat so much he looked like an appliance.

What would you say is the scariest thing to have to do in sports? (i.e: face a 100 mph fastball, go over the middle in football, pole vaulting, etc.)

Ali: I am going with the fastball. After seeing Randy Johnson mess up J.T. Snow's hand and face and then he destroyed that bird, I am not going anywhere near the batter's box. Also you take someone like Troy Percival, who Vish tells me is nearly blind, I don't like my odds. Going over the middle doesn't sound too great either but at least you have a fair amount of protection.

Vish: I'm going to take boxing out of the mix, because hands down there is no amount of money you could pay me to take a punch from some heavyweight fighter. So to me, the scariest thing to do in sports is skate with a puck for more than 3 seconds in the NHL. Going over the middle in the NFL sounds awful, but at least you know in your head that there is a good chance that someone will try to hit you as hard as humanly possible, and unless your QB has put you in a horrible position, you can generally brace yourself. A 100 mph fastball, an MLB player should be able to duck out of the way unless some pitcher is specifically throwing at them. Pole vault, Rutt did that in high school. Can it really be that bad? But there is absolutely no organization to hitting people in hockey. You have no idea where it's coming from, the guy hitting you is moving faster than an NFL player, because he's skating, and you fall on ice or you get hit into the boards, possibly even sending you through plexi-glass. No thanks!

Justin: My first instinct was having to jump to catch a pass over the middle in football and knowing that you're going to get destroyed. However, I also think it would be terrifying to be on a televised eating contest for something like butter, or raw meat - there's something horrifying about trying not to puke on television.

Steve: Fielding a very hard-hit ground ball on a poorly maintained high school baseball field with uneven dirt in the infield when you're not wearing your jock strap and cup because you left them in the washing machine from the night before.

Brian: Go to a Dodgers game wearing a #25 Giants jersey and/or not being Mexican (at the game I mean, but then again being Mexican is probably scary too).

Leo: I think your pole vault example/suggestion is interesting, because it just so happens that my father was a college pole vaulter and he was telling me stories about how back in the day before they started using hi-tech synthetic poles, they cheap ones made of some kind of wood that the pole would sometimes snap, impaling the pole vaulter. That is some scary shit. So is going over the middle in football. So is any kind of auto racing. My money though is "being part of the Wall during a soccer free kick." The fact that you cover your nuts because when it comes down to the physics of it, you won't have time to move your pelvis out of the way but that you don't cover your face, just blows my mind.