Steroids All-Stars

All the recent fuss over baseball provides me a nice opportunity to reiterate that everyone is on steroids. Well, maybe not David Eckstein. (You know what, though? He should start using steroids, it couldn’t hurt.) I thought I’d share with you my all-time Major League Baseball steroid team.

Catcher: Ivan Rodriguez
Steroid Use Probability: 97%
Comments: Jose Canseco claims to have injected Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Gonzalez, and Ivan Rodriguez “many times” while they were teammates in Texas. Since Canseco’s claim, both Palmeiro and Gonzalez have been conclusively shown to be users. And “Pudge” ain’t so Pudgy these days.

First Base: Mark McGwire
Steroid Use Probability: 642%
Comments: Chicks dig the long ball.

Second Base: Bret Boone
Steroid Use Probability: 99%
Comments: Is it weird that a guy who averaged 10 HRs a season until age 28 suddenly averaged 26 HRs for the next 7 seasons? I wonder if deca-durabolin makes you more likely to cry like a little bitch.

Shortstop: Miguel Tejada
Steroid Use Probability: 97%
Comments: Thanks to Miguel, I learned the importance of getting enough B12 vitamins, ensuring strong production of nerve cells. Gotta have those nerve cells.

Third Base: Ken Caminiti
Steroid Use Probability: 100%
Comments: I actually admire the guy – when he says 50% of players are on steroids, I see no reason not to believe him.

Left Field: Barry Bonds
Steroid Use Probability: 100,000%
Comments: Barry’s systematic use of “flaxseed oil” means he has a good level of omega-3 fatty acids. I wonder why he doesn’t just eat fish instead. Next time he comes over for dinner, I’m going to cook him some fish, like a nice seabass or something – maybe he likes fish and doesn’t even know it yet. Then, he could stop taking flaxseed oil!

Center Field: Gary Matthews, Jr.
Steroid Use Probability: 95%
Comments: He’s not on par with the other players on my team, but I needed someone who could play center field, so his purchase of Human Growth Hormone from an Alabama pharmacy will have to do.

Right Field: Gary Sheffield
Steroid Use Probability: 48,000%
Comments: I bet Sheffield has the worst ‘roid rage ever. I can only imagine what he did when he found out his wife made a sextape with R. Kelly as a minor. On the list of the worst secrets you could learn about your wife, “made a sextape with R.Kelly at age 15” has got to be in the top 5 at least.

Starting Pitcher: Roger Clemens
Steroid Use Probability: 99.99999%
Comments: That Cingular dropped call with him and his wife is the worst of all those ads. I like them all, except for that one.


Relief Pitcher: Guillermo Mota
Steroid Use Probability: 100%
Comments: Rafael Betancourt is probably a better choice, but I just wanted an excuse to link to this story about Mota. One time he threw at Mike Piazza's head, and was so scared of Piazza's attack that he threw his glove at Piazza and ran out of the stadium to his car. Hysterical.