2009 Academy Awards - A Live Blog, Except Not

Lately, I’ve overheard a fair number of girls spewing anti-Anne Hathaway rhetoric. Everywhere I went, it seemed I was hearing some girl say, “Anne Hathaway sucks” or “I really can’t stand Anne Hathaway” or “I don’t like that Anne Hathaway is getting so famous, she bothers me”. I mulled it over, and couldn’t come up with any sensible reason why people would dislike her. She’s a good actress, isn’t annoying, seems pretty smart, and although I get that she’s not a supermodel, I find her fairly attractive. That’s what I had planned on blogging about after the Oscars. But in researching the topic, I learned that among my own female friends, support for Anne Hathaway was quite strong. So, I sort of lost the whole angle to my post-Oscars blog. Anyhow, ladies, feel free to leave a comment expressing your feelings on Ms. Hathaway. Maybe that’s a secret prerequisite for being my friend – liking Anne Hathaway. We shall see.

I’m going to do a live-blog type thing, only it’s after the fact, and I also didn’t record the show (I watched at Simone's party), so there will be no timestamps, and frankly, it’s probably all out of order. So it’s a live-blog only in the sense that the organization will be poor and the writing will be spotty.

Le Maison en Petit Cubes wins Best Animated Short – the room is shocked to see that the award recipient is not French. A Japanese guy awkwardly stumbles through some English, and then makes up for all of it by dropping a “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto” at the end. Fu totally freaks out, and brands the guy a Japanese sellout. I counter by asking if Jackie Chan is a sellout. Some other Asian people instantly respond that yes, he’s a sellout too. This is total garbage, Jackie Chan is Buster Keaton reincarnate and has only dedicated his career to spreading joy the world over. Sometimes I think I need to be more selective with my friends.

So the “Twilight”/”Harry Potter” guy just always looks that creepy? That’s really unfortunate. He better hope that he’s never put into a police lineup, because there’s a 500% chance he’s getting picked.

There’s an intense argument in the room about WALL-E being unqualified to win Oscars (it most certainly is qualified to win Oscars) and simultaneously, positive discussion about the Angelina Jolie-James McAvoy action movie “Wanted”, a movie nobody in the room seems to have seen. Well, I’ve seen it – it sucks. In the summer, Ali, Rich and I decided to watch a movie, and had narrowed the choices down to “WALL-E” and “Wanted”. Rich pushed for “Wanted” because he only likes watching action movies in theaters, and Ali and I went along. Two hours later, we wanted to punch Rich in the face. The movie makes absolutely no sense and whatever dumb thrills I could have had were erased by the incomprehensibly annoying lead performance by James McAvoy. Whenever I hear people say they want to watch that movie, I just burn inside. Even worse, the reason tends to be “I LOVE James McAvoy”. It’s making me angry just to type all this, I need to move on.

Love Ben Stiller’s turn as Joaquin Phoenix. If you still haven’t seen the videos, I’ll direct you over to Rob’s blog to help you climb out of your hole.

Hugh Jackman leads a seven-minute musical tribute to famous musicals of the past, joined by Beyonce and the High School Musical kids. He loudly proclaims, “THE MUSICAL IS BACK!” while thrusting a triumphant fist skyward. Would it be cruel to tell Hugh Jackman that the musical is definitely not back, and if anything, is even closer to dying thanks to the recession? It seems cruel, he looks so happy there with his big dumb smile.

The room is not laughing at the James Franco-Seth Rogen “Pineapple Express” skit. I liked the movie – the scene where James Franco sobs uncontrollably as he eats a double cheeseburger just kills me. That alone almost makes the movie worthwhile.

Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock have a romantic comedy coming out on June 12th. A little idiotic to spend money on an expensive commercial during the Oscars IN FEBRUARY, no?

Josef and I are on the same page – we never knew so many hot people shopped at JC Penney’s! You really can learn a lot from commercials.

The presenter accidentally calls Philip Seymour Hoffman “Seymour Philip Hoffman”, but only Jon notices. Jon proceeds to make 3 or 4 “Seymour Philip Hoffman” jokes while the rest of the room wonders if it’s worth it to correct Jon’s “mistake”. Nobody does.

Good to see Cuba Gooding Jr. having something (anything) to do. Bad to see him as "jive-talking black guy" at Oscars. I wonder if he regrets his decision to headline “Chill Factor”, where he plays an ice cream truck driver whose truck is needed to keep a thermal bomb from detonating. Probably not, because it allowed him the opportunity to work with Skeet Ulrich. That’s hard to pass up.

I joke that Heath Ledger’s family should just walk up and deliver a typical Oscar speech. “I just want to thank Warner Brothers, the cast and crew, Heath’s agent…” My joke is ruined when they actually do thank Warner Brothers, in a classy and emotional way. Note to self, don’t make those kinds of jokes anymore.

Will Smith is inexplicably tasked with presenting five consecutive awards. He also delivers my favorite joke of the night, about how he likes movies with “car chases, explosions, digital effects and…you know, fans”. Nice to see someone undercut all the pretentiousness.

Best song performances. John Legend is singing Peter Gabriel’s song from “WALL-E” because Peter Gabriel was miffed at getting cut down to 65 seconds. I bet he’s really pissed that they let Hugh Jackman sing show tunes for seven minutes with Beyonce and Zac Efron.

Zac Efron presents some award with a chick who is not Vanessa Hudgens. I was unaware their Disney contract allows for them to ever be seen apart.

Another thing I learned from commercials: that “Hyundai” rhymes with “Sunday”. First a Super Bowl ad explaining that, and now an Oscars ad. I’m imagining the executives at Hyundai fuming about mispronunciations over the last twenty years, and instantly murdering job applicants who say “HON-DIE” in interviews.

Sophia Loren, please take your hand off your hip. Also, your skin color resembles toxic waste.

The best actor montage comes up, and Nicolas Cage flashes onscreen. Several people in the room cannot comprehend that Nicolas Cage is an Academy Award Winner. I assure them that this is indeed the case (Leaving Las Vegas), but even then, some people continue to be in disbelief. I feel like it must be a bad career sign when people literally cannot fathom that you could ever win an Oscar even though you already have. Then again, “Ghost Rider” (that movie with Eva Mendes where he is a stuntman whose head is on fire; rottentomatoes 28%) somehow did $116 million domestic and $229 million worldwide in 2007, so who am I to argue about the man’s popularity.

The whole room agrees that Danny Boyle looks like Rudy Giuliani. We also agree that the resemblance is creepy.

And...that’s the end of the show. Good work, everyone!

Christian Bale Takes David To The Dentist

In case you live in hole and don't know the background, here's Christian Bale going absolutely apeshit on a crew member of the new Terminator movie, and here is the original "David After Dentist" video, where some parents take a video of their young son after being given laughing gas at the dentist.

And now, for the brilliance that is the internet:

Married Chinese Tycoon Holds Contest To Determine Which Mistress To Keep - Results Not Awesome

The title mostly says it all. Here's some choice quotes from the AFP story:

"A married Chinese tycoon who could no longer afford to support his five mistresses during the economic slowdown held a contest to decide which one to keep, local media reported Tuesday. The contest took a tragic turn when one of the mistresses, who was eliminated based on her looks, drove her former lover and the four other women off a mountain road in an apparent fit of anger, the Shanghai Daily reported."

"Fan later introduced her to the four other mistresses...However, when Fan's business ran into tough times, he decided to lay off all but one woman...Fan hired an instructor from a modelling agency to judge a private contest he held at a hotel in May, but he did not tell the women about his intentions.
Yu was eliminated in the first-round beauty competition and a woman surnamed Liu eventually won after dominating the drinking round, the report said."

Full story here. Thanks to Jessie for sending along.

Girl Scout Cookies Versus Movies

It’s that time of the year. That’s right kids, girl scout cookies have arrived! (Fu hooked me up). Sujit, Joanna and I were talking a few days ago, and we collectively all extolled the merits of fresh-baked cookies. Sujit in particular was fiercely adamant that he doesn’t really like any pre-packaged cookies, like Oreos or Chips Ahoy. I definitely agree with him that freshly baked cookies are ideal, but it just seemed like he was overstating things. Suddenly it came to me:

“Wait a minute, man – what about girl scout cookies?”
Sujit’s eyes quickly became the size of airplane hangars. “Oh my god, I forgot about those,” he said, almost incredulous that he could have forgotten that.
“Like, I still really love Thin Mints,” I continued.
Sujit was nearly salivating in front of our eyes. “Hey hey what’s that really delicious one, like in a ring, with the coconut and chocolate?”
“Samoas?”
“Ohhhhh man Samoas! Those are SOOOO GOOD!” Sujit went on to say that he would eat an entire box immediately. Then we all just kind of thought about girl scout cookies for a moment, and ultimately Sujit had to modify his original statement while bemoaning the fact that we didn’t have any to eat right now.

Three boxes of girl scout cookies now costs $10.50, which, incidentally, is roughly the price of most non-matinee movie showings. It’s an interesting thought exercise to see which movies I got more satisfaction out of seeing in theaters versus having three boxes of cookies. In all seriousness, I’ve probably seen fewer than 40 movies in theaters that would defeat three boxes of girl scout cookies. If I ever become a movie critic, that’s going to be my version of four stars. I can hear the voiceover in the commercials now – “Roger Ebert says, ‘Epic filmmaking of the finest caliber!’…The Los Angeles Times raves, ‘the year’s first sure-fire Oscar contender!’…Eric Ma says, ‘Provides greater utility to the consumer than three boxes of girl scout cookies!’”

That’s probably one reason girl scout cookies can’t be sold at movie theaters. If they did that, you would be constantly reminded of how bad a deal it is to watch movies in theater.

Girl scout cookies are delicious. I have the munchies. That is the end of this post.

FML

Those of you who are plugged in to the happenings of cyberspace have surely already seen this, but since I know many of you are not, I thought I'd pass along a new site, courtesy of Yoonmee and Rich. It's filled with little gems like:

"Today, my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it 10 minutes after he leaves. I waited 5, in the card it said "it's not working out, but here's 20$". FML"

I am a little unclear how many of these are real, a lot of them seem fictional. But they're still funny.

Google Predictive Text

Sara showed me a funny site the other day that showed some pretty ridiculous Google predictive text results when you type something into the Google search bar. I've been playing around with it on and off for the last week. My personal favorite, #2: when you just type "Is " (with the space after it). Personal favorite #1: when you type "Chinese people eat" (with no space after eat).

I don't want to spoil the fun, I'll let you try typing that yourself. (Don't actually hit the search button).

This Is Why You're Fat

Courtesy of Allison, the latest food blog to sweep the nation - "This Is Why You're Fat". Here's a few of my personal favorites:

French-fry encased hot dog on a stick.

Krispy Kreme donut bacon cheeseburgers.

Turbaconucken. It's a Turducken entirely encased in bacon.

Here's the link again for the full sight, some of the pictures are simply glorious.

First rule of Fat Club - you do not talk about Fat Club.

Australian Open Thoughts

A little late to talk about the Nadal-Federer Australian Open final, but Amy has been goading me, so, here goes…

Crystal and Silla were gracious enough to host an Australian Open party Sunday morning before the Super Bowl, and I watched the match (without knowing the result) with a group spanning the gamut from people who sort of like tennis to clinically insane fanatics. (And Xiao, who came around the third set and read a presentation on venture capital investment in China.) Some people were rooting so intently for Federer that I became scared for my own safety. I was, as always, rooting for Rafa, and was joined by Fu, who would coach Nadal through the television (and also back in time, since this was on DVR) by screaming “FUCK YOU, RAFA!” at every Nadal unforced error. But like all abusers, Fu says those things out of love. It shows how much she cares.

The one thing we did know in advance was that the match lasted four and a half hours. So while the tennis in the first two sets was played at Nadal and Federer’s typical otherworldly level, there was time for the mind to drift to other subjects. The two chief topics of non-tennis conversation: what the players were wearing, and Roger Federer’s girlfriend. I don’t have much to add on the clothing subject, other than to say that Nadal may like loud colors, but I’m certain that Federer cares much more about his appearance. No one would wear the ridiculous stuff he wears to Wimbledon otherwise.

I’m much more interested in the topic of Federer and his girlfriend, the sort of Swiss analogue to Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett. That’s not really very nice of me to say, obviously Federer’s girlfriend is substantially better looking than Lyle Lovett, though you wouldn’t know it from the reactions I hear. It makes sense though, given the heightened modelesque standards of being a “tennis girlfriend”, and the expectation that Roger Federer, as the longtime epitome of tennis excellence, ought to also excel in the “tennis girlfriend” arena. I do sort of wonder if history has ever had another average-looking woman so constantly derided for her physical appearance. On the face of it, it seems like I’m exaggerating, but I really can’t think of a better example.

Putting appearance aside, I’m more dumbfounded that Federer’s girlfriend travels with him to all tournaments (a relative ATP Tour rarity) and even more so that she handles all his affairs, which I’ve literally never heard another pro tennis player do. To be more specific, his girlfriend is his money manager!!! This caused me to wonder aloud if Federer decided to make his girlfriend his money manager to give her a job, or if Federer is just really lazy, and was already using her as his money manager, and then figured what the hell, I don’t want to meet any new women, I’ll just date my money manager. If it’s the former (which people tell me it is), it speaks volumes about Roger Federer that he would arrange his life this way. I am obviously nowhere near Federer’s tax bracket, and I would be terrified if my (figurative) girlfriend was my money manager! Every time we had a fight, I would be wondering if she was going to shift assets to her own personal untraceable Cayman Islands account the next morning.

The match continued on in masterful fashion; we were all in awe of the shotmaking by both players. Rafa had some isolated moments of sluggishness, but for the most part, he didn’t seem to have serious lingering effects from his semifinal epic against Verdasco. Still, after Federer won to square it at two sets apiece, I returned to what I had been thinking all match – Federer can play better than he’s playing. Significantly better, really. If Sunday was the first time you had seen him, you’d scoff at that statement, but Federer really had played much better hardcourt tennis. He served poorly through the first four sets, had untimely double faults and played nearly all his break points tentatively. Most tellingly, as Patrick McEnroe continued to harp on, he didn’t attack weak second serves with his forehand, content to just dump a backhand back into play. My impression at the end of four sets (even as I screamed “VAMOS!” at no one in particular) was that Nadal was playing his best hardcourt tennis, but Federer had another gear. I figured the fifth set was Federer’s for the taking.

Turns out I was a liiiitttlle off on that one. Fortunately, I only bet on Davydenko matches.

It was hard to watch, that fifth set. Nobody in the room wanted to see the match end that way. I cringed on several of the Federer errors, and it was even more difficult watching Federer himself. Once he went down the break, you could see it on Federer’s face – the match was over, the title would be Rafa’s. Tennis is such a brutal sport in that sense – there’s no teammates to lean on, no coach to offer you encouragement, and no helmet to hide behind. When you play, you play alone. When you sit, you sit alone. The crowd can hear every word of your complaints to the umpire, and the television audience can see every emotion on your face. For 4 hours, Roger Federer was ready to win his second consecutive Grand Slam title and re-assert himself as the greatest in the world. Four sets in, he was right there.

And suddenly, he wasn’t.

It occurs to me that it shouldn’t be a surprise that Federer wept. With the way the match unfolded, and the respective arcs their careers are on, it would practically be a surprise if he didn’t cry. I can’t imagine Federer truly believes he can win at Roland Garros, and even if he wins at Wimbledon (which I think he likely will), it will take another US Open win for Federer to reclaim his perch. That has to burn just as much as the loss – barring a miracle at the French Open, he won’t really have an opportunity to be again considered the best until September.

The basic narrative of men’s tennis has been the majestic king fending off the fearless upstart since 2005. Suffice it to say, that story is going to need a rewrite.

The Recession Hurts Everyone

Diddy went to the Knicks game. Game is not interesting, Diddy decides to count his benjamins. Suddenly, Diddy sees a bill he has never seen before. It has George Washington on it, who Diddy has long felt was over-emphasized in American history. Diddy is a staunch Jeffersonian. Now Diddy is shocked and Diddy is angry.

Diddy is an emotional sort of cat.

February Links

Links time! Many of you have likely already seen this, but if not, I've really been enjoying passiveaggressivenotes.com lately. I especially love this post, about a girl who invited all her facebook friends to a forum to plan her birthday party, because they totally forgot about it the previous year.

Ali is gamely attempting to start a blog. So far he has only two entries, and it's like 30% he ever writes a third, but hopefully this link will put some pressure on him to write. As far as what the blog is like, let's just say if you like Vish's blog, you're going to like Ali's. Stream. O'. Consciousness.

NBA All-Star Weekend is finally going to have H-O-R-S-E as part of All-Star Saturday, and I couldn't possibly be more excited for this development. You may or may not be aware that I am an absolute beast in H-O-R-S-E. When it's my turn for my own shot, everyone pretty much quivers in fear that I'm going to hit my shot, because my shots are extremely difficult to replicate. The weirdness of my arsenal is unmatched, except for maybe Shawn, who is good at using his right hand to throw the ball over his right shoulder and catching again with the same hand. (I can only do this throwing over my left shoulder - try it if you don't know what I'm talking about, it's a big difference). Anyhow, now the NBA is doing it, and those guys are in another world. Check out Rasheed Wallace hit two three-pointers at the same time, one with each hand. You have to see what Dan Majerle does before EVERY Suns game. Also, check out Morris Peterson, hilariously unable to make any trick shots.

Season 3 of FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS is underway now on NBC, for those who didn't watch on DirecTV. Now is your chance people. This is your last chance to watch the show while it is still technically on the air (I'm almost certain this is the last season). There's time to get on the bus. If you watch it now, starting with season 1, you can still become one of my top 10 friends. That's right, I rank my friends. Number one metric: whether you watch Friday Night Lights. Number two metric: there are no other metrics.

If you have 10 minutes free, and want to raise your heartrate to 160 beats per minute, check out this unreal downhill skateboarding video Sara sent along.

The Question Mark Guy

You'll never guess who I saw last week.
If you're like me, then you've probably seen this guy on cable at some point:

Thursday morning, 6:35 AM EST at Dulles International Airport. I've just walked off a redeye flight from LAX, and am in a state of half-consciousness with my eyes half open. Walking towards me is a guy in a suit...a black suit...covered with pink question marks. At first, I assume I am just having some post-redeye hallucinations. I tell myself this isn't reality, but the 9 Mexican guys who just got off their airport shift are also seeing what I'm seeing. As he walks closer, it's increasingly clear that this is indeed the world-famous question mark suit guy.

Let me emphasize, he's WEARING a question mark suit.

That he apparently defiles all of his suits by covering them with question marks, and then proceeds to live his daily life wearing these suits is...simply phenomenal. I later learned that he drives a Scion, with, of course, orange question marks painted all over the exterior.

His name is Matthew Lesko, and his ravings about "FREE MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT!" have filled the cable commercial airwaves for years, as he apparently finds a never ending stream of fools to buy his book of secrets. He's so ubiquitous, that Googling "question mark guy" yields a preposterously high number of correct hits, including one person who decided to ask all of cyberspace on Yahoo! Answers whether they would marry the question mark guy. (The "best" answer says yes, because he's a "dynamo in bed".)

I may need to revise my best celebrity sightings list.

Movies Reviewed By My Dad: The Visitor

If you watch a lot of movies, or follow the Academy Awards, you may have seen (or at least heard of) "The Visitor", a heartfelt/boring human drama, for which lead actor Richard Jenkins has been nominated for a Best Actor Academy Award.

I happened to see the movie on a plane, and while I appreciate the performances and the subtlety, what I just said is really a complete lie. It's undeniably well done for what it is, but the movie is just not an appealing experience to me, unless I was trying to sink into depression as slowly as possible.

My dad mentioned he was about to watch the movie last week, and I told him I didn't think it was his type of film, that it was too slow-paced and not concerning a subject he would care about. He watched it the other day, and we had the following exchange:

Dad: I watched "The Visitor" last night. It was OK but not very good.
Me: It was slow and boring, right?
Dad: Yes. The good thing is the English is also very slow so I got most of the words.