Financial Planning

What would you do if someone gave you a million dollars? Ten million dollars? A billion dollars? Infinite money? These questions come up all the time, and because it is a very practical, impending and realistic concern, I have devoted substantial thought to it.

Joanna mentioned that she has a friend whose plan, should he win 20 million bucks, is to give each of 12 friends $1.5 million. I am being generous when I say that this is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Do you have 12 friends who are that close? You've got to be kidding me. There is no way you can say you have 12 different friends that you know 100% will be friends with you your whole life. That's literally impossible. So let's say you narrow it down to like five people. Imagine how your 6th best friend would feel. Everyone else got $1.5 million bucks, and all he got was clarity that you only saw him as your sixth best friend, even though he might have ranked you in his top three. Plus, your relationship with the friends who received money would be forever tainted. You'd always feel like they owed you a debt that was impossible to repay. Either you'd lord it over them (which would be miserable) or you would pretend you didn't care but privately become enraged when a friend did the slightest thing you didn't like (I give you $1.5 million and this is this shit you do?) Anyways, don't give your 12 best "friends" tons of money. (I like this blog to provide PSAs from time to time, and really drill down on the issues that affect us the most).

Hemanshu pointed out that it would be awkward to hang out with your existing friends - I liked his plan the best - immediately invest in real estate, including vacation homes, buy your parents something they want and go back to your regular life with not a lot more liquid capital than before you randomly got $20 million. Then, at least day to day, you're pretty much the same guy, and you can hang out with your friends without things being too strange and disjointed.

As far as what my splurge would be, I'm going with personal chef - that's my top priority. I want my house to be like the White House - I just command what I want to eat whenever I want to eat it. If I could get that perk nailed down, life would be bliss. I'd have giant tanks built into my home and stock them with lobsters and crabs and oysters and clams and scallops and prawns and mussels. I guess I don't need a live cow in the backyard - that's probably overdoing it and would surely violate neighborhood zoning restrictions, which causes a lot of logistical problems, because then you have to petition the city board, and get a lot of signatures, and make a speech which will get broadcast on channel 3 and this all sounds like too much trouble for fresh beef. Beef is normally pretty fresh anyways. I'm TBD on whether my personal chef and his sous chefs have to wear big chef hats. I know that's not comfortable, and chefs don't really wear those hats like in cartoons, but it would be hilarious, and maybe I should pay them more and just make it happen.

K.O.B.E.

You know, I was never a Kobe guy. I didn't like that we dealt a top 10 center, Vlade Divac, for some unknown high school kid at a position where we already had a potential all-star, Eddie Jones. Then I cringed when he took all those crunchtime shots and airballed four times in Utah. And I hated how his emergence as a superstar caused Jones to be traded to Charlotte. And I didn't really like his stupid afro, or his atrocious rap album with Tyra Banks, or how he never seemed deferential enough to Shaq. I hated how he tossed Shaq under the bus in that police interview, and I couldn't believe it when Jerry Buss chose Kobe over Shaq and Phil Jackson. I started referring to him as "that bitch" in conversation, which was impressive of me. So even though I'm a Laker fan, believe me when I say that I have zero preconceived bias towards Kobe Bryant.

What Kobe Bryant is, though, is the best player in the NBA, and it's not even all that close. Not as a Laker fan - as a BASKETBALL fan - it pains me to hear people say that Dwayne Wade or LeBron James are better players. Numbers can tell whatever story you want them to, so I'll avoid that for now, even though Kobe compares quite favorably on a numbers basis. All three players are fantastic - but saying Dwayne Wade is sick is not an appropriate point here. Wade and LeBron both have glaring holes in their game. Wade cannot shoot from long distance and thus would not be MVP-caliber if he weren't ridiculously protected by the refs. LeBron is a streaky shooter who drifts during games. Neither plays particularly good defense - Wade gambles for steals (at least he gets some), but LeBron is just flat out awful. And, if you've been watching the NBA this season, you'll know that for all the hype about how great it would be to play alongside Wade or LeBron, Kobe Bryant is easily the best passer of the three.

The best perimeter player in a decade isn't in a T-Mobile commercial and doesn't have a family sitcom-themed commercial campaign. He won't be this good for that many more years - so if you get a chance, watch a Lakers game this season - you'll see something incredible.

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

There was a request in the comments to discuss Valentine's Day, so I'll knock this one out real quick. Valentine's Day doesn't piss me off the way it does some people, but I do think it's sort of lame. If you're in a relationship where things like flowers and candy are important, you should be doing that stuff anyways. If you're not in a relationship where that kind of thing is important, you shouldn't be forced to make some half-ass attempt at buying a dumb Hallmark card and picking up the cheapest flowers you can find to satisfy some basic minimum. Valentine's Day is just to sell a bunch of goods. It's one of the worst "Day"s around. I'd even say it's worse than Arbor Day, because people at least plant trees that day, and that's good for the air and the environment as a whole. Please keep in mind I am not against gifts or nice romantic dinners or flowers or any of that. But you shouldn't need a specific day for that.

It's instructive to draw a distinction here between Valentine's Day and a holiday like July 4th. It's probably somewhat counter-productive to spend time every day thinking about our nation's independence and the political machinations and military battles that led to us being an independent country. No one expects you to think about that every day, that's patently absurd. But one day a year is kind of nice. On the other hand, if you only honor your relationship or marriage once a year - that too is patently absurd.

I'm sure some of you out there are saying, "Hey Eric, no need to get all worked up here. I don't neglect my boyfriend / girlfriend / husband / wife, but it's nice to set a day aside that's more special." I don't disagree with that concept, but I don't see why we should all be doing that on the same day. Let's redo Valentine's Day. Every couple can choose when their "Valentine's Day" is. That way you get the benefits, without the catty comparisons of whose boyfriend did nicer things on Valentine's Day, or single girls screaming at me that Valentine's Day is a giant crock of shit meant to make them feel terrible and want to cry all night. I think my way sounds better.

Two New Posts Below!

Yeah, sorry about that. Got a little busy on other things, but the stream of posts should be picking back up again, starting with what I just posted below. I don't want to get into the habit of just randomly ranking everything whenever I can't think of something to write, because that's ultimately going to lead to me ranking things no one cares about, like when E! does 101 Biggest Celebrity Red Carpet Oops! or something like that. When I can't think of anything, all my ideas are about writing the blog itself, but I no one likes reading super-meta stuff about the writing process and writer's block. That being said, obviously my recent output has been dismal - I can't 100% promise, but I hope that this long a break will never happen again.

Hot or Not

Assuming that you are like me (and that is probably the case since you likely think you are awesome and I am, by definition, awesome - yay we are all awesome), you spend a lot of time debating about whether certain celebrities are hot or how hot they are. It's a great activity, a lot of fun, and unites everyone, whatever your different interests or affiliations might be. The only people who get lost in the shuffle are those poor souls who say ridiculous things like, "oh, I don't really know any celebrities" or "yeah, I don't watch tv or movies, so I can't say I know who you're talking about" or "I read books". Talking about how hot you think famous people are incessantly makes the aforementioned feel lonely and excluded, and hopefully that positive peer pressure molds us into one homogeneous whole. An awesome homogeneous whole. Where we are all awesome.

The best moments come when one of your friends thinks someone is hot, and everyone else violently disagrees. There's two moves at this point: you can either back down and say you didn't think that person was THAT hot, you just meant in a certain way in a certain movie from the right angle plus you were trying to be nice and you're kind of hungover who knows what the hell you're talking about. The other move is to stand up, and valiantly defend your opinion of this person's hotness. I have a lot of respect for the stand-up people, misguided as they may be. One of my favorite memories of this was in my senior year of high school, when Ali claimed that Minnie Driver was really hot, and kept asking everyone if they thought she was hot. He must have asked like 70 people, and he got 65 "No way, dude"s and 5 "Who is Minnie Driver? Wait the chick from 'Good Will Hunting'? Wait, you think she's hot? What?" In his defense, he didn't mean that Minnie Driver was the hottest woman on earth, but then again, he did say she was hot and I don't think he was under the influence of any mind-altering chemicals.

I thought about all this yesterday, when Christine gushed about Ryan Seacrest. That's probably not as egregious as Minnie Driver, but it still kind of made my stomach turn. I mean, the guy is orange! Feel free to post your own (or someone else's) worst claims of celebrity hotness in the comment section. I think this has good potential.

Life Comes At You Fast

Oftentimes, a friend of mine will say something like "can you believe how old we are?" or "can you believe how much time is passed?", or one of my favorites, "I can't believe we're adults now". It's supposed to imply how different we are compared to "before". In light of this, I'd like to take a moment and examine my life now, versus an arbitrary prior point in time, and see how much I have changed and/or matured. Let's pick 1997 - that was a solid year, I "graduated" middle school (my dad: "What? I have to attend a ceremony for you passing the 8th grade? That's not an accomplishment - you mean there are people who DON'T pass that?"), was a legitimate teenager the whole year, and generally had a ball.

Automobile:
1997: Did not have a car
2007: Do not have a car

Milk:
1997: Drank 1.25 gallons a week
2007: Mildly lactose intolerant (a glass of milk will make me all gassy, and I've yet to completely convert to soy milk for some reason, even though I really like it)

Favorite Athlete:
1997: Ken Griffey, Jr. and Eddie Jones
2007: Think it is silly to have a favorite athlete, but if forced to choose, I would say Ken Griffey, Jr. and Eddie Jones. I was telling Justin the other day, I think you can parse between fake Laker fans and real ones with one question - how did you feel when the Lakers traded away Eddie Jones?

Favorite Television Show:
1997: Seinfeld - I haven't watched this lately. Hopefully it still holds up well after the Michael Richards stuff. I'm normally pretty good about not letting celebrity personal issues affect what I watch on screen - like, I still like watching Tom Cruise, so I'm optimistic.
2007: The Office - The Office has been ridiculously on fire for the last 25 episodes or so. I assume you're already watching it, or have had 900 people tell you to watch it, so if you're not watching it, allow me to be person #901. Watch "The Office". I don't get a lot of satisfaction out of listening to some minor indie band that only 10 other people know about and feeling better than everyone else because I listen to music that only elite people are cool enough to enjoy. Similarly, I don't like watching a tv show when there's no one else to talk about it with. So watch. And we shall discuss.

Guilty Pleasure Television Show:
1997: Salute Your Shorts
2007: Real World/Road Rules Challenge

Thoughts on Dancing:
1997: Wanted to learn to breakdance
2007: Want to learn to breakdance

NFL Combine Data:
1997: 5'11", 130 lbs, 225-lb bench press reps: impossible, 40-yard dash: slow, vertical leap: 13 inches
2007: 6'3", (maybe 6'2.5"), 185 lbs, 225-lb bench press reps: impossible, 40-yard dash: very, very slow, vertical leap: depressing. Although I think my hand size got slightly bigger. I think they measure that. And I might do better on the Wonderlic.








Favorite Album:
1997: New Edition - "Home Again", Aaliyah - "One in a Million"
2007: Talib Kweli - "Reflection Eternal", Nas - "Stillmatic". I still listen to New Edition though. It's really weird, as I get older, my fondness for music that was before my time keeps growing. So while I'm still listening to New Edition, now I'm listening to "If It Isn't Love" or even the really old school stuff like "Candy Girl", "Cool It Now" and "Mr. Telephone Man". It's as though my dissatisfaction with new music has caused me to age backwards into time or something. Oh and I like Phil Collins. And the Gin Blossoms. And the theme song to "Party of Five". Those aren't albums, huh? I also really liked the theme song to "Growing Pains"...you know, "show me that smile (ooh show me that smile)...don't waste another minute on your crying....we're nowhere near the end (we're nowhere near), the best is ready toooo beginnnnn...AS LONG AS WE GOT EACH OTHER (doo doo doo doo)..." Vanessa told me at work she really likes some new singer named Robin Thicke, who I found out is Alan Thicke's (dad from Growing Pains) son! So I went on YouTube and saw the video - he really resembles his dad, which I found very very creepy.

Favorite School Subject:
1997: Math
2007: I'm not in school, but the answer sure as hell isn't math.

Favorite Article of Clothing:
1997: An Adidas t-shirt detailing why the Adidas logo has 3 stripes
2007: A t-shirt with the California bear on it. And a pair of jeans from the Gap. Yep, I still shop at the Gap.

Chest Hair:
1997: None
2007: Does 10 small fuzzy hairs count?

Shaving:
1997: Unnecessary
2007: I shave every day, but in some sense, it's still unnecessary

Favorite Brands:
1997: Nike, Adidas, Fila
2007: DEATH TO CONSUMERISM!!!!!!!!!!!!. Kidding.

Form of Expression:
1997: Telephone
2007: Blog. I noticed that I no longer have any patience on the phone. I used to be able to talk on the phone for long periods of time. Now I can't. Has this happened to anyone else?

Okay, I think that's enough to give you a detailed, nuanced picture of myself. I'm not sure I've really changed all that much, but you're free to disagree.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say...

Ever read the comments under a YouTube video? Almost everything that has a lot of comments devolves into either a nasty personal attack or, for variety, a nasty, personal, racist attack. It's unbelievable, and it can (and does) happen with pretty much every video. I could post a video of anything and this could develop - let's say, for example, a clip of Jay Leno. Mainstream, uncontroversial Jay Leno. I can see the ultra-valuable-for-society comment section already...

glucoxe (2 weeks ago)
I love Jay Leno! Jay Leno is the best! Thank you for posting this clip, I've been looking for it everywhere!!

devlin1323 (2 weeks ago)
Jay Leno is the man - this guy always makes me laugh - Letterman sucks.

redmonix342 (1 week ago)
You stupid fucking idiot. Jay Leno is a stupid fucking idiot and so are you for liking him you stupid fuck god I wish you all stupid fucks would just up and die already.

steventhepirate (1 week ago)
What the fuck kind of tie is he wearing? I wonder if he's more gay, or his tie is - tough one to call - I guess no one is as gay as his fans. Bunch of fucking morons.

luisatrda (1 week ago)
Look, if you don't like Jay Leno, just don't watch him. You don't have to go out of your way to personally insult people, that's just uncalled for.

MikeTHAMouth (1 week ago)
Wuz uncalled 4 is u bein a dum ass biatch, bitach!!!!!

JamesKuriank (1 week ago)
MikeTHAMouth, what does that even mean? We all have our own opinions on what's funny and what isn't, I don't see why anyone has to get so riled up about this. Relax, people.

HArUmpH000 (1 week ago)
in 1945, a young girl named katu lata kulu came over to America in a grey boat from Africa. A mysterious man killed her by cutting the word "LATUALATUKA" into her back. now that you have read this message, she will come to your house on a full moon and steal your soul unless you follow these directions:
1. Retype this message as a comment for 3 other videos

MikeTHAMouth (4 days ago)
yo JamesKuriank u r pathetic Leno sucks balls he needs 2 tak lessons from DANE COOK, aka THE FUCKING MAN son

JamesKuriank (3 days ago)
I actually don't care for Jay Leno, I'm just saying there's no reason to attack his fans

sliders10301 (2 days ago)
DANE COOK IS THE BEST EVER OMG I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES!!!!

I try not to read this stuff, but sometimes the video takes a few moments to load, and I end up reading some of the comments despite my better instincts. Afterwards, I'm normally depressed about the state of the world. Either everyone on the Internet is 11 years old or people are full of massive amounts of rage that can only be unleashed through the anonymity of the Internet. I think what might be even worse are the people who see two random morons they don't know having a moronic argument, and then are compelled to tell these people, who have about a 10% chance to read the comment (and a negative infinity percent chance to care) that they are having an unnecessary and senseless argument.

In light of that, I thought I'd say that I think the people who comment on this blog do a fine job, and your insights are greatly appreciated. I suppose the obvious joke now is to make a bunch of racist, angry comments. Do what you have to do, I guess.

Unfocused Writing That Is Impossible to Title

The Super Bowl really should be an American holiday. Obviously, the basic criteria to be a holiday is that you get the day off from school or work (so the Monday after the Super Bowl should be a holiday), but there's important factors after that. Random and arbitrary traditions help solidify the strength of the holiday. That's why Labor Day isn't such a big deal. You get the day off, which is always nice, but there's pretty much nothing else after that. No gifts, no turkey, no ceremonies. (In fact, let's start up some Labor Day traditions, spice up this holiday a bit, and please don't suggest "stop wearing white"). I'd say even July 4th has some issues - sure, you barbecue and watch fireworks, but it's the middle of summer - it's the perfect time for barbecue anyways. If there were no July 4th, I bet I'd still eat barbecue 3 or 4 times in the month of July. It's not like without the holiday, suddenly no one would want to barbecue.

But the Super Bowl has all kinds of great arbitrary tradition. Fighter jets. Elaborate, expensive commercials. Seven layer dip (more on this in a minute). The elite TV time slot after the game (which really did great things for shows like "The Practice"). Something of this magnitude for our country should really result in a work/school holiday. The current system feels unpatriotic somehow.

Anyways, I had a very solid Super Bowl experience this year.

The Game: Not a well played game by any means, but all the random fumbling was exciting in a way, plus it's always good to be right. I had been saying the Colts would win by 14, and that essentially happened, save for the field goal the Colts could have easily kicked at the end of the game, but opted to just turn the ball over on downs. So it's always good to be right. Plus I vaguely dislike the Bears - I've mildly rooted against them my whole life for no particular reason, and I'll probably continue to do so. It's amazing how into the game I got considering I didn't care much about either team. Also, is it sad that I can name 50-some players in the game and where they went to college? Don't answer that.

The Food: Here's the HUGE upside to going to a Super Bowl party with a lot of girls, as I did. Homemade chili (which was delicious), fresh baked cookies right from the oven (also delicious), and my favorite, seven-layer dip. I don't think I've ever had a bad one in my life. Steve pointed out that anything with guacamole is guaranteed be fantastic, and I'd have to concur. I didn't really know for sure that anyone would be making dip, so I even went to the grocery store to buy the ingredients and make it myself. But I got lazy, and wound up just going home and risking it. Thankfully, someone did make dip, and my gratitude is difficult to convey in words. (Oh also, several of the girls knew a lot about football, so I don't want this to sound like I just used a bunch of people to get food - I didn't know people were going to cook, other than the chili).

The Commercials: Sigh. What happened to the good old days? The Nissan birds and the "Top Gun" theme song? Or Terry Tate, Office Linebacker? Or EDS and cat herding? Okay, maybe not EDS. I thought the Kevin Federline ad was solid, and a couple others were alright for regular commercials, but overall the ads were very disappointing. And you know who needs to stop making Super Bowl commercials? GoDaddy.com, that's who. I'm all for the "the premise of our commercial is 100% about showing you hot chicks" thing, but you've got to execute better. First, they need hotter girls. And secondly, if you're going to make your ad about hot girls, show them for more than 3 seconds. To top it all off, I don't think most people even know what that company does.

I guess I could rate other things, but that's enough. I've been rambling.