Hopefully They Let My Dad Start Producing Movies

My dad gets extremely frustrated with the kinds of movies Hollywood produces. He watches a ton of movies, but is only rarely satisfied with the experience. I suppose he gets frustrated with the similarity of movies he watches. One of his favorite things to say (about movies, not in general) is that Hollywood only produces five types of movies. First you have your special-effects driven action movie, then you have time-tunnel movies, then there's "falling in love" movies, and then he doesn't know what the other two categories are supposed to be - he just knows for some reason that there are five. It's good to have conviction, I think.

Anyways, he always has these horrendous ideas of movies he would make if only he were in control of such things, but today he delivered one of the greatest whoppers of all. We were discussing "The Silence of the Lambs", and my dad was all, "I don't understand what's supposed to be so great about that movie. So he eats a lot of people, so what?" Somehow that prompted the following movie premise, which I will attempt to transcribe as faithfully as I possibly can.

"You know what kind of movie I would make? I would make some movie about eating dogs."
"How is that going to be a movie?"
"Okay, you're right, it needs to be more exciting than that. Let's say there will be some kind of underground organization that kidnaps rare but delicious dogs and delivers them for high prices to wealthy Asian businessmen. And so they go about their business, kidnapping people's pets, only they don't kill them immediately, they keep them alive at the time of delivery. Only one day they kidnap the dog of the underground mafia, which is very upsetting to the mafia because they really love the dog a lot. Now they have heard that there is an organization that is running around kidnapping dogs and reselling them, ultimately to be eaten. They already don't like these people because they refused to may the mafia protection fee. Now they deduce that they probably are responsible for taking the dog, because there aren't many people doing this kind of thing. And they know the dog is probably still alive, so they decide to go on the attack. There is a ransom note for a lot of money, but the mafia doesn't operate that way - they don't negotiate with terrorists. So they just start killing members of the dog-kidnapping organization one by one, hoping to enact revenge and perhaps get their dog back. They are successful, and every member of the dog group is eliminated except for one guy who is also DENZEL WASHINGTON. So then at this point Denzel Washington figures that there is nothing to lose so he too goes on the offensive, and starts killing all the mafia people, until he is the only one left standing. Of course there will need to be some women and some sex and some kind of very intricate and complicated plot."
"Wait, so this different because of the dog kidnapping thing?"
"Right."
"Okay."

I'm down to see this movie - you?

Hands...Touching Hands...

I was watching the Lakers get slaughtered by the Heat just now, and my dad mentioned that he heard rumors that Kobe Bryant had the flu, which is why he played so poorly. I had the game on mute most of the time because other people were trying to have a conversation in the house, so I didn't hear if the announcers addressed this - anyway, this is all beside the point.

When Kobe left the arena, a bunch of Miami fans high-fived him on the way out. Let's say, for argument's sake, that they know Kobe has the flu. Yet they high-fived him anyways, risking direct hand contact with someone who is very sick. I expressed some surprise to Justin, who pointed out something to the effect of "come on man, it's Kobe", at which point I realized that, in the same situation, I would also give Kobe a high-five, flu be damned. But I wouldn't have risked illness for Luke Walton, or Vladimir Radmanovic, or George Lopez.

So it got me thinking - who would I high-five, just for the experience of high-fiving that person, knowing that they had the flu? Let's do a rundown:

Sports Figures
Kobe Bryant - Yes, as mentioned above
Kevin Garnett - Not after a loss, he'd probably hit my hand too hard
Tim Duncan - No, he would probably find some way to make the experience really boring
Bob Costas - Yes
Rafael Nadal - Vamos Rafa!
Terrell Owens - Haha, as much as I dislike him, yes
J.D. Drew - Go fuck off
Mark Cuban - Probably (side note: Min-Taik is friends with someone who used to work for Cuban. Apparently Cuban is a workaholic (sleeps only a couple hours a day) but also expects everyone else to be, and if you work for him and don't work 110 hours a week, he flies into a crazy rage and cusses at you. On second thought, let's change "probably" to "maybe".)

Actors
Denzel Washington - Yes, he's really cool
Jack Nicholson - Yes, ditto
Paul Walker - considering he is the worst mainstream actor Hollywood has ever seen (yes, way worse than Keanu), I'm going to say no
Will Ferrell - Yes
Leonardo DiCaprio - No
Mel Gibson - I'm going with no, his hand probably smells like anti-Semitism. Haha. Nice.

Talented Women
Jessica Alba - Yep
Alessandra Ambrosio - Yep
Adriana Lima - Yep
Eva Longoria - Yep
Angelina Jolie - Yep
Cate Blanchett - Eh, who do I know who would even care. Actually I've seen like 6 of her movies and I'm not confident I could recognize her if she walked to my front door with an Academy Award in her hand.

Miscellaneous
Dane Cook - you know, I still don't even know who this is! I know he was in some kind of grocery store movie, but I don't know anyone who watched that. Is that weird? Does everyone else know who Dane Cook is? Is this guy legitimately famous? Anyways I would never risk getting the flu from this guy.
Justin Timberlake - Yes, but only after "Dick in a Box" - I think before, this would have been a no
Donald Trump - No, but I did kind of enjoy his excessively petty, completely juvenile callout of Rosie O'Donnell. She sucks, and he sucks, but she sucks more.
Howie Mandel - A pretty easy no. What exactly has this guy accomplished? Like, what are his positives? I'm unclear 1) how he became famous 2) if people like him and 3) why people would like him. If I got the flu from Howie Mandel, I'd be pretty bummed.

What a Woman's Worth

I caught the end of Ocean's Eleven on television today and I remembered a substantial complaint I had about the movie's conclusion. At the end of the movie, George Clooney asks a hypothetical question to Andy Garcia's character, Terry. He says he will help get Terry's money back if he will stop dating Julia Roberts, the icy and uninteresting art museum curator. Terry says yes - Julia Roberts happens to be miraculously watching all this on a closed-circuit feed, and decides at that moment that the relationship is over. Simply put, one of the bitchiest scenes in modern cinematic history.

How much money were we talking about here? OVER 163 MILLION DOLLARS!! Keep in mind, that money is after-tax cash sitting in the vault. To recover the losses, Andy Garcia has to make something like 300 million dollars. That, my friends - that is a large sum of money. Is Julia Roberts worth 300 million dollars? The answer is obviously no, but what's worse is that she ASSUMES she is worth 300 million dollars. In fact, she thinks she is so obviously that valuable that she doesn't even bother to get in a fight with Andy Garcia - she just straight up dumps the guy.

Furthermore, we don't really know that Andy Garcia was going to dump Julia Roberts - his character likely would say that just to get George's Clooney's information, and keep dating Julia Roberts anyways. She has no idea whether he means what he says. But she doesn't even bother to ask! What a bitch!

Wait, you say. True love should go beyond money - no sum of money equals love. But any reasonable person would deduce she doesn't love Andy Garcia. She demurs when asked if she loves him, only points out that "he doesn't make me cry" (just smacks of "rebound guy") and doesn't show much affection beyond her icy cold glances. And if she did love him, she would ask him about what happened or confront him, not just leave him at the drop of a hat.

So in taking the movie at face value here - Julia Roberts, who sucks, hears her boyfriend, whom she doesn't love, reveal that he may POSSIBLY be willing to dump her for 300 MILLION DOLLARS, immediately deduces that HE is the bad guy, and does not love HER, and then delivers a brutal breakup line and presumably never speaks to the guy ever again.

Damn, what a bitch.

Slices of Awkwardness

Life is full of tiny, awkward moments. Nothing makes an awkward moment more awkward than explicitly talking about it, so here's my take on five awkward little slices of life.

1. Closing an AIM/online chat window, then having it pop up unexpectedly as you type something to someone else

I don't like having a lot of windows open on my computer, and since I'm still using a fairly traditional AOL instant messaging service, if I have a conversation with a new person, that necessitates a new window. I don't like too much desktop clutter, so I generally close the window if the conversation seems to be going nowhere. Then, as I type something to someone else, that window unexpectedly opens again, and they wind up receiving pieces of a word like "otally", and it's pretty awkward because now that person thinks they're somehow unimportant to me, seeing as how I closed their window when we were theoretically mid-conversation. I suppose they're right to think that. If they were a big deal to me, I wouldn't have closed the window. What's especially awkward is being called out on it. "Oh, closed my window, did you?" I never know what to say there.

2. Having to lie about already having plans when you clearly have none

Someone asks me "what are you up to today?" and without thinking, I just answer truthfully that I don't really have any plans. Then, unexpectedly, that person asks if I want to do something with them, which I most certainly do not. But I can't say I have plans - I just said I didn't have any plans literally seconds ago. So invariably my move is to bash on whatever that activity is. "Do you want to see Casino Royale?" "No, I never really liked James Bond" or perhaps "Do you want to grab dinner?" "Nah, I try not to eat food". Most people are pretty good at this point and stop asking - in fact, I think oftentimes I'm the one who's bad at recognizing when this is happening to me. Oh well, ignorance is bliss. What I don't like though, are people who "suddenly" remember that they do have plans. Even though saying that will obviously communicate your point (you'd rather clearly and blatantly lie about your plans than hang out with this person) I think it's a tactless way to go about it. Everyone should be using "my" move instead.

3. Causing some kind of "unpleasant" smell in the office

I know that sounds like I mean farting, but I do not. It seems like the people who sit near me have a very keen sense of smell, so when I eat lunch at my desk, if I eat anything other than a sandwich, everyone starts yelling, "oh man what is that smell". I don't think this is very nice because it sort of compels me to eat a sandwich even if I don't necessarily want one. Nowadays I don't care, and I'll eat fish, or some kind of spicy dish if I want to. But back in the day, people would be like "where is that smell coming from" and it definitely made for an awkward moment.

Actually, the other day, a guy here got a Christmas gift basket, which included a pouch of smoked salmon and melba toast. Is smoked salmon supposed to smell awful or something? I didn't know that, and I opened it to eat some, and everyone completely freaked the fuck out and started yelling at me. And then they threw away the salmon before I was done eating. Bad times.

4. Seeing someone say "hi" to you, and saying "hi" back, only to realize they were talking to someone behind you

Man, is this one awkward or what?

5. Restaurants bringing out different dishes at vastly different times

I hate when this happens when you're eating in a group. I'm really big on eating hot food when it is hot - so when I get my food before others, I'm seriously going crazy just sitting there. If it were totally up to me, I would just start eating - after all, I would genuinely want other people to do the same. But invariably I seem to be sitting with someone who makes a big point of how we can't eat before everyone gets their food. I agree that is the polite thing to do, but should we be polite when the cost is deliciousness? I say no.

Athletic Greatness: Post-Mortem

During the end of the Spurs-Hornets blowout last night on TNT, David Aldridge reported his fascinating conversation with the Spurs' Robert Horry. Horry has enjoyed a long and distinguished NBA career, and his memorable timely 3-pointers in the playoffs have of course earned him the very deserved nickname "Big Shot Rob".

Consider his track record:

• He set NBA Finals records in Houston with 5 3-pointers in a quarter and 7 steals in a game
• He hit the game-winning 3-pointer in Game 3 of the 1995 Finals
• He iced game 3 of the 2001 Finals with a 3-pointer to put the Lakers up 4
• He hit the game-winning 3-pointer in Game 3 of the First Round against Portland in 2002
• He looks just like Will Smith, which admittedly is not always a cool thing, but since people seem fired up about Will Smith's new movie, I'm going to count it as a positive here
• He went 7 for 7 on 3-pointers in Game 2 the 1997 Western Conference Finals, still a record for most 3-pointers without a miss in the playoffs
• He hit the game winning 3-pointer in the pivotal game 4 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals against Sacramento
• He regularly admitted to not playing his hardest during the regular season (When Randy Moss says this, it's game over, but when Robert Horry does, somehow everyone thinks this is hilarious. Including me.)
• He scored 21 points in the 4th quarter and overtime to lead the Spurs to a Game 5 win over Detroit in the 2005 Finals
• He is second all-time in playoff 3-pointers
• He once hit the somewhat irritating Danny Ainge in the face with a towel, which I laughed about for days

In all, Robert Horry has played 14 seasons in the NBA. In every one of those seasons, his team went to the playoffs. Never once has his team lost in the first round of the playoffs. He has been to the NBA finals 7 times, and won 6 championships.

So I thought it was awfully interesting when he told Aldridge that he would trade it all, his whole career, the memories, the wins, the titles IN A SECOND to be "the man". He said he would much rather have had Karl Malone's career or Reggie Miller's career, and be a team's primary star, even if it meant not winning a title. Aldridge recounted that Horry told him, "in a few years, no one will remember who I am. But they'll remember Karl Malone. They'll remember Reggie Miller".

Reggie Miller happened to be broadcasting the game for TNT, so they threw it back to Miller, who went berserk and called Horry insane. I talked about this one with Brian and Justin, and we all agreed it was a point worth considering. Brian mentioned that he had heard a lot of other athletes say this as well. So much is made in the press about the importance of winning a championship, and how incomplete an athletic career is without one. But a career spent in limiting roles, never achieving the peak performance that is perhaps within a player's capacity - well that may be just as incomplete.

In the case of Derrick from Real World/Road Rules Challenge, the one thing we know for sure is that he has performed as well as is physically possible. If satisfaction comes not from championships, and not from individual greatness, maybe true athletic fulfillment comes from overachieving. In which case, Derrick has nothing to worry about.

Athletic Greatness

With the Indianapolis Colts sputtering towards the end of their season, there's been yet another round of wondering if Peyton Manning will ever win a Super Bowl. His favorite receiver, Marvin Harrison, is surely nearing the end of his tremendously productive career, the Colts no longer have a marquee running back, and the defense looks as bad as it ever has during Manning's tenure. It's hard not to feel like the window of opportunity is closing for the guy, which is sad, because he's both a great player and a somewhat likable guy, ignoring the times when he publicly bitches about his teammates and focusing more on his consistently entertaining commercials. (DE-CAF!! DE-CAF!!)

A few weeks ago I felt a similar sadness for another truly great athlete who is seeing his window of opportunity slide shut: Derrick from Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Derrick is without question an all-time great Real World/Road Rules Challenge competitor - if they make a Hall of Fame for this, he would be part of the inaugural class.

In Inferno II, Derrick made it to the final, but his bloated team was trounced in the finale. Like Dan Marino in the Super Bowl in 1984, we all assumed Derrick would have plenty of other chances. Little did we know. Little did we know.

The following season (Gauntlet II), Derrick submitted a performance for the MTV record books. Like Manning's record TD season, Derrick's accomplishments in Gauntlet II are unlikely to be challenged for a long time, especially if they stop taping this show. Spurred primarily by his prowess in wrestling, Derrick won an unfathomable FIVE times in the gauntlet, including wins over Brad, Ace and Adam. Sadly, Derrick suffered a crushing final defeat to a seemingly inferior opponent, reminiscent of the Colts' loss to the Steelers last season.

In Fresh Meat, Derrick carried an inferior partner (Diem) for most of the season, winning multiple challenges. By season's end, you even sensed that Derrick had raised his game to the ultimate level - making his teammates better. Unfortunately, a loss in Exile to Darrell and Aviv sent Derrick home again, one place out of the money.

This season, The Duel, felt like Derrick's best shot to date. Once a brash young hothead whose ego got in the way of teamwork, Derrick had become a respected and feared veteran who nonetheless retained an intimidating edge, a la Allen Iverson. He was dropping fearsome, articulate quotes, saying that he had "been practicing" and "felt confident". The format of the season (players can choose who to protect) appeared to work to Derrick's advantage, as he was likely to be protected from the duel by his friends. Wes from Real World Austin challenged Derrick in the duel, and they played Pole Wrestle (not as dirty as it sounds) for over 20 minutes, in a battle as heated and violent as anything I've ever seen on television.

Unlike prior seasons, where Derrick lost due to bad luck or format quirks, it was obvious this time that he was beaten at his own game by a superior opponent. It looks like time may be passing Derrick by, which he seemed to acknowledge when he said he would go home and reassess the whole direction of his life. Elite athletes rarely speak in such terms - you could truly feel the hopelessness in his voice.

It's sad how little time the great ones have to make their mark - it's hard not to think one day my kids will think of Derrick as nothing more than "a guy who never won the big one." But if they say that to me, I'll just sit them down and we'll watch a little MTV Classic on Channel 1982744F together, and I'll be sure they understand that their daddy witnessed true greatness.

Holiday Giving

You know what's a good gift for the holidays (NOT FOR ME)? A Zagat Survey guide, that's what. Everyone wants a Zagat guide (I ALREADY HAVE ONE), but almost no one ever wants to buy one. They're very useful, but they cost like 30 bucks, which seems like a lot of money to spend on something so small, but it sure beats clicking around forever on CitySearch.

On CitySearch it can be hard to know if a place has a high rating because only the owner has reviewed it, or if it's actually good. Even more frustrating are the user comments, where you'll see one like this:

NEVER COME HERE UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE!!!

We went here for dinner and it was awful! Service was slow and barely seemed interested in helping us at all. The waiter didn't know what the specials were and after we ordered he brought us the wrong food, and no one even seemed that interested in fixing the problem. When we finally got our food I couldn't believe it. The chicken was dry and had no flavor and the "Lobster Souffle" - I couldn't find a SPECK of lobster. After that they made us fight an angry crocodile with our bare hands and then they burned me with a branding iron, all while they soaked us head to toe in honey and had ants crawl all over every part of our skin while we were forced to play Russian Roulette.

Pros: Absolutely nothing
Cons: Bad service, Bad food, Risk of death

...immediately followed by one like this:

DON'T LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE BELOW THIS PLACE IS HEAVEN!!!!

I don't know what the previous person is complaining about - we came here for dinner on Friday night and it was INCREDIBLE! The service was fantastic, the food was absolutely to die for (I ordered the lobster souffle, and there were huge chunks of lobster) and the ambiance was superior to anything I've experienced in my whole life. During the meal, Brazilian models came out and massaged us and we were given the best wine in the house for free! After our meal the head chef and owner were nice enough to come chat with us, and they decided that our whole meal was free and that the head chef would come over to our apartment and cook our next 30 meals.

Pros: Perfect food, Perfect service, Perfect decor, Perfect crowd, Perfect bathroom, Perfect coat check
Cons: Apparently some people don't appreciate greatness

CitySearch is really frustrating. If you don't know someone well, and can't think of a suitable gift idea, try a 2007 Zagat restaurant guide. Not a lot of people buy them for themselves, but everyone could use one.

Incredibly Interesting Analysis

TBS was airing "Mean Girls" all weekend in their bizarre "let's show the same movie 38 times in a row" programming format they seem to have decided makes the most sense. I suppose their crack team of humor scientists ("we know funny") has tested this successfully, so who am I to quibble?

I was reminded of how incredibly hilarious the movie is - it's really a shining counterexample to my whole "women aren't funny" generalization - Tina Fey's screenplay is almost perfect, and everyone's comic timing is spot on. The movie was something of a Lindsay Lohan phenomenon when it came out, but now that some time has passed, I was able to appreciate how many laugh-out-loud moments there were.

What really jumped out at me, though, was how different Lindsay Lohan looked as compared to her semi-freaky look today. Conceptually I knew this - she's certainly photographed often enough - but it was still jarring to see onscreen. I don't happen to think she's particularly attractive, (then or now), but there was a time when I was decidedly in the minorty with that belief.

I remember thinking at the time that as "hot" as everyone seemed to think she was, she was also noticeably bigger than her older costars, Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert (who's VERY thin) and Amanda Seyfried (she plays the dumb one). Don't get me wrong - by no stretch of the imagination was she big, but Hollywood has different standards. And given her young age, you could tell that she hadn't quite filled out her frame yet - it was apparent that her natural size would be bigger.

Alas, what is a budding starlet to do? Lindsay Lohan has a pretty similar 1990s counterpart: Alicia Silverstone. It's easy to forget how big a deal Alicia Silverstone was in the mid-1990s. "Clueless" was the "Mean Girls" of the 90s, an absurdly huge hit that propelled Silverstone to instant superstar status. Girls aspired to be like her, and guys drooled over her. She was supposed to symbolize a generation - things were so out of control that she signed a three-picture, $10 million production deal with Sony where she got first look at scripts and projects. That probably doesn't sound like a lot now, but trust me, it was a huge deal at the time to give a teenage girl that kind of money and that kind of artistic control. Silverstone wound up greenlighting and starring in "Excess Baggage", which was so bad that 1) my two friends who saw it cracked jokes about it for like a year and 2) they are literally the only people I know who have ever seen the movie.

As you surely remember, her downfall was triggered by a "sudden" weight gain of 15 or 20 pounds that completely freaked everyone out, and was all over the tabloids. It must have been very tough to have been her at the time, and have her weight scrutinized in magazines everywhere. Of course, the weight gain wasn't that sudden and it wasn't that surprising. She was just a girl who was naturally not super skinny, but became famous as a teenager, before she had filled out to her natural weight. When she got to that natural weight, everyone completely lost their shit, no one liked her, she happened to be in some bad projects, and just like that, her time as a star was finished.

There were really only two options for Linday Lohan - one was just to be her natural size and see what comes of that, railing against the "thin establishment" and hope for the best a la Kate Winslet. Or there was the other, more probable route of partying, alcoholism and eating disorders.

We know which route she took.

I don't think she'll remain relevant much longer - I've yet to see that she's a compelling actress, and partying to stay in the limelight only takes you so far. Her attempt at a singing career didn't go as badly as Eddie Murphy's (my girl wants to....party all the time party all the time party all the tiiiiimmmmeee), but it's safe to say that's going nowhere as well.

At least she was in one good movie, which I guess is better than most people can say. I would tell you to watch it again, but TBS will air it approximately 942 times in 2007, so there's no chance you'll miss it. It's really very nice of them.

As for Miss Lohan, she's bound to be replaced by the next big thing any day now, but there should still be some fun times left. I can't wait for her Access Hollywood post-rehab interview, her temporary foray into a Broadway show (my guess is "Chicago"), marriage to some successful person outside of Hollywood, autobiography, and E! True Hollywood Story. Those should all be good times.

Celebspotting

Nearly everyone I know (there are only a couple of exceptions) gets really fired up when they spot a celebrity, and I'm no different. The more jaded among us only get excited about the right celebrities, but for most people, literally anyone famous will do. You can really see the depth of our devotion to the celebrity world when people recount tales of seeing celebrities. I think you'd agree we're all insane.
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"Hey - yo you'll never guess who I saw at lunch - Scott Bakula!"
"Oh wow - I used to love Growing Pains! I used to go to Tina's house to watch, cause she had this big thing for Kirk Cameron, but I never liked him that much"
"Wait...what?"
"Isn't Scott Bakula the dad on Growing Pains?"
"No, I don't think so - Scott Bakula is the guy from Quantum Leap"
"Hm, I'm not sure if I ever watched that show - what channel was that on?"
"I think it was on USA"
"Oh yeah - I didn't really watch those shows"
"Oh - well he was the dude on Quantum Leap"
"Ah, okay - so who is the dad on Growing Pains?"
"I think that guy's name is Alan Thicke"
"Huh...wow those names aren't alike at all"
"Nope, not too similar"
"Anyways what was this Scott Bakula guy doing?"
"Looked like he was just getting lunch with his wife and kids - his wife was pretty hot actually, I was impressed. Plus he did that thing where he just orders what he wants, off the menu - like he didn't even really look at the menu, he just started explaining what he wanted"
"Oh wow that's cool - man you're so lucky - I never get to see anyone famous!"
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I bet you've probably had some kind of conversation along these lines. We're insane, we really are.
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As an aside, in trying to create the above fictionalized conversation, I struggled to think of someone who sounds like you should know them, but you actually don't. I settled on Scott Bakula - I think he's a pretty good choice. He's got an interesting-sounding, memorable name, but he's not quite successful enough where you would assume everyone would know the guy. In trying to think of who might be appropriate, I asked Vish and Dan if they ever got actors confused with one another. Vish said he sort of had a problem with Edie Falco and Felicity Huffman briefly - that's a hard one for me to understand, but I guess this is a pretty individual thing. Dan said his problem was Matt Dillon and Luke Perry, which for some reason I found hilarious, I guess because 1) I can kind of see it and 2) Luke Perry pretty much sucks now, so that's a shame for Matt Dillon.
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One of my favorite celebrity sightings was the time I "saw" Harvey Keitel. He lives in TriBeCa, and apparently has decided that it's cool not to shower. Or wear clean clothes. Or sleep indoors. He was at the table next to us, and I remember thinking, "Wow that's awfully nice of those people to let a homeless guy join them for lunch, I wonder if that's safe..." Then Shawn said, "Hey it's Harvey Keitel" and it seriously took me about 45 seconds to figure out who he meant, even though the other table was the homeless bum who turned out to be Harvey Keitel and three women.
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My all-time favorite celebrity sighting story comes from Ali. Apparently one time his dad was eating dinner at a suburban Benihana with his younger sister. Ali's sister noticed that the second oldest guy (excluding the dad) on the TV show "Step by Step" was eating at another table with his friends. (If you remember the show, he played "J.T.", who in the opening credits at the carnival hits that hammer thing really hard and gets the bell to ring at the top, while a bunch of reasonably cute chicks look impressed and giggle.)
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So Ali's sister is freaking out in excitement, going on and on about how hot this guy is. Then she gets it in her head that she wants an autograph, but she's too scared to approach this guy to ask. So she makes her dad do it. So Ali's dad, this like 50+ year old Iranian guy walks up to their table, looks at the guy and goes:
"Excuse me, my daughter is a huge fan of yours and was wondering if you'd be willing to sign an autograph for her."
"Um, I'm happy to sign anything, but I'm pretty sure she wants this guy's autograph over here" [points to the actual actor]
"Oh okay, sure"
Apparently this guy's friends just crack up and start busting on the guy. His real name is Brandon Call - you can see his resume here:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0130085/
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You'll notice he never worked again after "Step by Step". He doesn't even have a photo on IMDB. Hard not to think that the Benihana autograph incident didn't play a part in his deciding to quit acting altogether.

Holding My Horses

I'm excited about Vince Young, but maybe we should pause before getting completely carried away here.
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You know, I used to know a guy a lot like Young. It really wasn't all that long ago actually. I'm shocked no one makes the comparison. His name is (obviously) Michael Vick, and for whatever reason just because Vince Young is taller or something, we've decided to completely overlook the glaring similarities.
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Vince Young just wins games. Didn't we use to say that about Michael Vick? What about all this "no one has won a playoff game before in Green Bay business"?
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How could teams pass on Vince Young, he was a proven commodity in college!?! Didn't Vick play in the national championship game?
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Wait, but did you see that game-winning OT run against Houston? Um, didn't Vick do that against the Vikings?
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He's not completing a high percentage of passes, but you can really see him improving as a passer. Hm. I don't think anyone ever said that about Vick. No sir.
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Okay, I'm done trying to write in Bill Plaschke form, but you get the idea. Vince Young isn't necessarily the next coming. He's (as of now) an exciting football player that can help you win games, but has measurable flaws. Just like Vick. I happen to love watching Vick play, and I enjoy watching Young play. But I think we ought to cool it a bit for now. We've been here before.

Bruce Bowen: Post-Mortem

Quick update on the Bruce Bowen post:
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Justin asked me how much I would pay to kick Bruce Bowen in the face. I decided that this would be worth $1,000.
Then he asked how much I would pay to watch HIM kick Bruce Bowen in the face. I decided that would be worth $100. I think Justin has some kind of plan to collect a lot of $100 bills from people to watch him kick Bowen in the face, and then offer up the total to Bowen and see if he goes for it.
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So just in case you were sitting there wondering how much I would pay to do that, now you have the answer.

Wait I Always Forget The Punchline...

I'm one of those people who makes excessively broad generalizations all the time about large groups of people, in an attempt to seem "observant" and "insightful". For the most part, I try to do it in a humorous way, so people will buy into my bullshit. (As an aside, I think that's why a lot of people have blogs.)
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Anyways, some generalizations people buy, and some spark heated debate. There's one, though, that never seems to lead to any debate, and is just unanimously agreed upon: women aren't funny. That's a bit imprecise - I suppose what I mean is that women can't tell jokes, and they can't retell funny stories very well. (A quick disclaimer that shouldn't be necessary but I know it is: I do know some funny women. But they are a tiny minority. There's exceptions to any rule.) There's a spectrum here - some women are borderline okay, but some women I know are colossally bad, and when they start telling a story, I'm already laughing because I know how bad the retelling is going to be.
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"OH MY GOD Eric - Did I tell you what happened the other day with Jamie?"
"No, what happened?"
"OH MY GOD it was sooooo funny! So Jamie and I were going to Devin's party but Jamie wanted to stop beforehand and pick up some candy, you know like she loves eating those like round things, you know..."
"What?"
"You know, they're like round and different colors, and they're all nasty but Jamie eats them?"
"Uh, Life Savers?"
"No those are good - come on you know what I'm talking about, they're like hard, but a little chewy..."
"Spree?"
"Yeah Spree."
"Um, okay."
"Okay so anyways Jamie wanted some Spree so we stopped at the grocery store and we go inside and we get to the cashier and I forget exactly what Jamie said but it was REALLY funny like she didn't even know she had said it but it sounded dirty and HAHA it was SOO funny."
"Wait, you don't know what she said?"
"No, I'm trying really hard to remember but I can't."
"Oh."
"Yeah!"
"Guess I had to be there."
"Yeah, I guess so."
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The above didn't happen, but something in this vein seems to happen nonstop. Thing is, I don't "need" to be there - if it's a guy, he can quickly distill for me why something was funny - if it is impossible to describe, he probably just won't tell me. I only need to be there when a girl is trying to retell the story.
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Girls certainly have a very good sense of humor. They know when things are funny, they laugh all the time, they enjoy comedies - so I'm confused as to why they would be so bad at jokes and funny stories. I floated the question to a bunch of people (male and female - by the way, not a single person doubted for an instant the premise of the question) and got a number of interesting and valid answers.
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The first (and most popular) theory was that it's all about the way girls socialize. When guys are together, they crack jokes nonstop, but women only gossip or discuss actual life issues. Basically, "we're not funny because we don't practice enough".
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A second theory was a semi-genetic one. Jackie made a good point to me -while I am at any given point thinking zero to one thoughts in my head, many girls are simultaneously thinking about five or six things. (Jackie actually only discovered girls do this a few years ago, and became worried when she realized she normally thought about nothing). So there just isn't room in the brain to be making witty comments all the time. "We're just not wired that way".
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The other most popular theory was a sexual selection one. Girls aren't funny because they don't need to be funny to attract guys. I think an interesting observation here is that many successful female stand-up comedians are lesbians, from Ellen DeGeneres to Margaret Cho to Paula Poundstone and (stretching the definition of stand-up comedian here) Rosie O'Donnell. Of course, guys aren't less funny around guys, so it's not like the quality exists solely to impress girls.
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I don't really have a grand conclusion here. I actually delayed writing this post trying to think of some conclusion. I'll keep an open mind on this one, and hopefully I will reach some kind of conclusion soon. Because it truly does pain me that something exists that I am unable to make a broad, sweeping generalization about.

An Angry Rant Against Bruce Bowen

Bruce Bowen has no place in professional basketball. There's been another round of commotion (as there is every season) about him being a dirty player, and it's happened again this year.
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http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/marty_burns/11/15/bowen.reputation/index.html
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Look, a lot of guys are dirty. Raja Bell is dirty. John Stockton was dirty. They both beat my beloved Lakers, and not only do they deserve their place in the game, I am fans of both players. I do realize teams need enforcers and that dirty play often works, but when your tactic is to intentionally injure opponents to "get in their head" you've crossed a pretty clear line. Most journalists seem to be on Bowen's side, so let me address the arguments typically presented on his behalf.
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1. He's not doing it intentionally, and you can't know that he is
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Fair enough, I'm not a mind reader. Maybe he just jumps sideways at defenders with his feet out because he thinks he is a talented sideways jumper. Maybe he thinks his feet will provide a softer cushion than the hardwood floor. Maybe he thinks 1+1 = jello. Maybe, just maybe, Bruce Bowen is that fucking stupid.
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If I EVER caused a guy to get hurt unintentionally, I would immediately think about what role I may have played there. These guys watch tape every day. If I saw that I had jumped sideways and extended my foot, I would think "wow, I need to stop doing that." Not to mention jumping sideways at a guy like that is an unnatural basketball movement. Other defenders don't jump at a guy in that fashion.
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2. The league didn't do anything about it
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I don't think this a particularly strong argument to begin with - after all, we can all see the footage and judge for ourselves. How the league office interprets things is generally of little value to me. I know when a foul is flagrant, I don't need to wait 5 days to hear the league called it a "Flagrant 2" so I can go to sleep at night. "Man, I don't know if that wasa flagrant foul or not - hopefully the league will say something so I can figure this out!"
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That being said, I can see why the league might have been hesitant to punish Bowen - it would kind of open up a can of worms and lead to excessive interpretation. In Bowen's case, the evidence is rock solid, but I can see this getting problematic once you establish precedent.
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3. Bowen is a really nice guy and he overcame a lot to make the NBA
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Yay. Wow. Wow, that is really, I mean just REALLY touching.
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4. People just hate him because he's good
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No other elite perimeter defender gets accused of this. Quinton Ross. Trenton Hassell. Ron Artest. Raja Bell. Shane Battier. I can go on and on, but I've never heard another guy get accused of this. Bowen gets accused of all the time. Similarly, I've never heard any of his accusers accuse anyone else of doing this either.
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As for not liking Bowen just because he's not on my team, I can't speak for everyone, but I'm quite sure that's not true in my case. I'm sure if Bowen were a Laker I'd root for him, but I'd still be disgusted with his methods. I never liked the way Vlade Divac and Derek Fisher flopped all over the place, and while I of course rooted for them, I always wished they could play effectively straight up.
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5. People just hate him because he's ugly
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Alright, got me there.
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6. The shooters actually kick out their legs, causing the problem
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Then why doesn't it happen with other defenders as well? I agree Carter has the stupid leg kick, but there's no way you can say that about Ray Allen, who has the best shooting form of anyone in the NBA.
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VIDEO EVIDENCE
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Here's Bowen kicking Ray Allen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLgHeeOZJFI
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Here's Bowen and Vince Carter (admittedly the most dubious of the evidence - but I'd like to point out that Carter had torched Bowen for 43 in 3 quarters and the Nets were up 5 - so it wasn't frustration on Carter's part, it was a genuine belief that Bowen wanted to hurt him):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI5pE2-bXkE
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Bruce Bowen on Steve Francis and Jamal Crawford:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drPQkEsM8uM
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Bruce Bowen karate kicking Wally Szczerbiak in the face:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAakQjpFibg
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I rest my case.