Michael Vick Should Stop Practicing and Start Watching TV

I know why Michael Vick is struggling. I saw it on ESPN's "Playmakers" a couple years ago.
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In the show, the speedy black QB (Vick) is tormenting the slow, overachieving white linebacker. (Let's pretend he's Dan Morgan). Morgan is having nightmares about Vick until fortunately Morgan, Jake Delhomme and Keyshawn Johnson get into some kind of fight with Vick, Michael Jenkins and Alge Crumpler in the parking lot of a club. I assume it's a strip club, but my memory is fuzzy so who knows.
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Somehow the war of words leads to a 3-on-3 game of football right there in the parking lot (they're like all wearing dress shoes), and while the Falcons win, Morgan picks up a vital piece of information - Vick taps the ball one time when is going to run, and two times when he is going to pass. Eventually Morgan uses the information to force a critical fumble that helps the Panthers beat the Falcons at the last minute.
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So my message to you Michael Vick - stop tapping the ball - you're "tipping your pitches".
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I also think the Falcons should acquire another running QB, and play Vick and that guy (say Seneca Wallace) in a 2-QB backfield. I'll leave you alone to ponder the possibilities. Suffice it to say, they are siiiiccccckkkkk.

On The Juice

You know that phrase, "I'll never forget where I was when I heard..."?
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In my whole life, I've only had two of those. One was September 11th. The other was the news that OJ Simpson was in a low-speed chase with the LAPD and was suspected of double homicide. Since I've been cognizant of my surroundings, the United States has gone to war twice and impeached a President. The most famous musician in the world was investigated for child molestation. Tons of famous people died (were killed, even) and we saw multiple genocides. I don't have the faintest clue where I was when I heard any of those things.
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I can tell you more about the saga of OJ Simpson than I can all of the rest combined. I suppose that makes me a bad person or something, but the facts are what they are. There's more Americans who are like me in this regard than Americans who aren't. So believe me when I say that I was genuinely disappointed to learn that the OJ Simpson interview had been cancelled due to viewer outrage. The consensus appears to be that it's disgusting that a man can make millions off a vile, disgusting crime.
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But therein lies the hypocrisy. Why would it be worth anyone to pay millions for this? Because people would watch. They would watch in rapt fascination. And if you won't admit it, I will. I would have watched. I would have tivo'ed it to be 100% sure, and I would have watched from beginning to end.
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From the first grade through my senior year of high school, only one news event was deemed important enough to interrupt class so we could listen - the OJ verdict. And my school was pretty conservative too - I saw pictures all across the country of schools that stopped class and watched the verdict being read on TV. We didn't really know what DNA was before this. Now DNA is the centerpiece of our most popular television shows. Lawyers became celebrities, one of whom will live on in Seinfeld fame forever. The judge - THE JUDGE - was so well known that a dance troupe made to look like Lance Ito toured the country - and was a HUGE success.
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It had everything - racism, sports, fame, Hollywood, models, blood, DNA, mansions, police, spousal abuse, courtroom theatrics, and a car chase. It became a referendum on modern criminal science, our justice system, race relations, and the impact of celebrity. The OJ case was a prism through which you could view just about any issue during the decade.
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As far as the interview goes, maybe it's for the best. I'm not sure everyone was prepared for the intensity of it. To this day there are people I can mention OJ to and get a visceral, immediate reaction unlike pretty much anyone save for Osama Bin Laden. Gary Condit was a United States Congressman and he probably had a woman he was cheating on his wife with killed and chopped up. Erik and Lyle Menendez killed their parents with shotguns and proceeded to take their parents' money and buy Ferraris, Rolexes, and restaurants. Scott Petersen's wife was pregnant and everyone thinks he threw her off a boat. None of those events inspire even a fraction of the reaction OJ Simpson does.
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Which is exactly why I would have watched.

Lying to Children

When I was in high school, I literally only knew one thing about our principal. Palos Verdes Peninsula High School had something like 3,200 students, so suffice it to say my principal and I did not have a Mr. Belding-Zack Morris relationship. The only thing I knew about him (and I'm pretty sure at least 2,000 other people only knew this one "fact") was that, believe it or not, he was once a janitor of the very same school! Check it out kids! Hold fast to your dreams. He was a janitor, and now he's principal!
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This always rang a little false to me at the time, but I never pondered it too much. I guess I was too busy playing brickbreaker on my TI-83 to worry about it (which sadly, I still do now, only on my Blackberry). But think about it for a second - seriously? "Janitor" isn't an entry-level job for "Principal". When you show up on your first day as janitor, no one tells you, hey if you scrub the cafeteria well, you might get promoted to French teacher. It doesn't work like that. They're just totally separate job tracks. If you're a really good night janitor, you get promoted to day janitor, and then building supervisor.
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Plus, being a principal is one of those jobs where performance is hard to ascertain before the fact. So principals inevitably get chosen from the ranks of teachers, typically some pillar of the community who the school board and town are comfortable with. It's unfortunate, but if everyone thinks of you as a janitor, it's hard to change the accompanying perceptions.
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I think I'll buy that this guy was once a janitor somewhere, like he cleaned the dining hall floor as a student in college. Then he decided to use it as his universal story of inspiration. The more I think about this, the more confident I am that this can't possibly be true.
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I feel deceived. Belding would never have done this.

The Manifesto

I guess I've hit the age where it's not really appropriate for mE tO tYpE liKe tHis, so this seemed like the right time to leave and xanga and move to blogspot. It's a slippery slope folks. Tomorrow I'll be eating sushi with a fork. One day my kids will score a 600 on the math portion of the SAT. I promise to tread carefully.

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Anyways, not everything I wrote before was a complete waste of space, so I'll start this off with a "best of" the old xanga stuff. Since I posted about as often as I went to jury duty, there's not a whole lot of material to choose from. I think my infrequent posting caused my readership to dwindle from 8 to 3. I appreciate those of you who stuck by me during the lean times. They will be no more. I have a lot of thoughts that are now in my head. I will then type those thoughts so you can read them. The plan is foolproof.

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January 23, 2005

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I really don’t see what’s wrong with eating dogs. Everyone seems to think it’s so awful and disgusting, but I’m not on board with this. If people in other countries (or this country for that matter) want to eat dogs, that’s totally fine with me. I don’t eat dogs myself, but that’s because 1) I never had the opportunity and 2) I’ve heard they’re not particularly delicious, so there’s no reason to spend a lot of energy trying to eat dog meat. What is the problem here? Because dogs are cute? First of all, not all dogs are cute, that’s a fact. We’ve all seen some pretty damn ugly slobbering dogs in our lifetime, so don’t be shoving the “all dogs are cute” assumption in my face. You and I both know it’s not true. Is it bad because dogs are our pets? To that I say, no one is eating YOUR dog. The people who eat dogs are eating other dogs, dogs you’ve never seen or met. No one is asking to eat your pet. Calm down. Is it because dogs are man’s best friend? If that’s true, I gotta say, dogs are pretty useless friends. We feed them, we exercise them, we live with their early inability to be potty-trained – and what are getting in return? Some vague sense of affection? If we treated any mammal as well as we treat dogs, we’d probably get that same sort of affection. Look, people. It’s just the way of the world. Species eat other species. We eat other animals, and those animals eat other animals. I happen to think fish are beautiful, but I still eat them, because they are 1) delicious 2) nutritious and 3) available. This is just the way the world works. It shouldn’t be any different for dogs. Those of you hating on dog-eaters need to chill out. It’s really very unfair of you to say that someone else can’t eat something just because you find some other members of its species cute. People who eat dogs, you have my complete support. Eat away.

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ETA: Rob showed me this awesome link that embodies my beliefs on this subject. http://www.petsorfood.com

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October 28, 2004

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In case you didn't get the memo, I'm not too fond of turkey.

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I know the last place finish of turkey is going to shock people, but let’s face it folks. Turkey just sucks. The primary reason most people eat it is because it’s a healthier alternative to other meats, and I’ve already established health will not be critical to the rankings. Thanksgiving turkey? Please. The fact that you have to put stuffing in it to give it flavor shows you how much it sucks. If it weren’t for stupid tradition, no one would eat turkey at Thanksgiving, because we all KNOW it’s not a very delicious food. It’s dry, the white meat is tasteless, and did I mention it’s dry? Pilgrims ate it because they didn’t have other meats around. The fact that we continue to, despite the abundance of other meats, is really a shameful mark on our society. It’s a big pain in the ass to cook a whole turkey, and if you still insist Thanksgiving turkey (or the next day’s leftovers) are good, then keep in mind it’s only once a year. Unless you’re one of the foolish people who bother to eat ANOTHER whole turkey at Christmas. I mean, if you’re in that category, I don’t even know what to say to you. On top of everything else, eating turkey MAKES YOU TIRED!!! It actively detracts from the rest of your day! The best turkey can lay claim to is that it’s good for cold sandwiches, and turkey burgers can be good. As for cold sandwiches, turkey can get away with being dry because there is lettuce and tomato. But that doesn’t change the fact that turkey is dry. As for turkey burgers, while I concede they are tasty, the number of people who are allowed to eat beef and would choose a turkey burger over a beef burger (health aside) has to be less than 1 in 10. Maybe less than 1 in 50. Turkey sucks, people. Let’s face facts.