Important National Issue

62% of voters in this poll thought Lindsay Lohan will live longer than Britney Spears. Although it was not an impressive sample size, I feel confident that people generally think Britney is closer to her demise. For me, though, it’s really a toss-up. Here’s how I assess the situation.

Britney is 27 years old, Lindsay 21. Now, Lindsay smokes, eats poorly, drinks like a fish, and presumably does a lot of drugs. Britney does all those things too. I think you can make the case that she possibly does less of all those things, but probably not enough to make up the 6-year gap if you assume they both live out “complete” lives. Frankly, I could see either of them in 15 years weighing an additional 20 pounds, talking on Access Hollywood about how happy they are now that they got the negative influences out of their lives, they don’t need Hollywood, they enjoy actually eating food, etc. I don’t think the likelihood of either of them reaching that point is meaningfully different.

Of course, there’s also the “sudden death” angle. This one, you have to say Britney fares a lot better on. I assume Lindsay is doing hardcore drugs (or more hardcore drugs, at least). As Steve reminded me when Martina Hingis was accused of using cocaine, “only the pretty girls get the free cocaine.” (To clarify, I don’t think Lindsay Lohan is hot, but on a relative comparison, you’d have to say she is getting more free cocaine.) Also, judging by the swarms of paparazzi around Britney’s car at all times, it seems less likely that she can sustain a high enough driving speed to get into a serious accident. Really, neither of them should be allowed to drive, just for general public safety reasons.

In conclusion, I think Lindsay wins on “regular life” but loses in “untimely death”. Is there better than a 50% chance that both live out complete lives? Since I say “yes” to that question, I ended up voting for Lindsay Lohan to live longer. It was not an easy choice, though – it required a lot of rigorous analysis.