Great Episodes of Great Shows: Full House

Continuing my recent run of nostalgia, I’m starting a new series today, “Great Episodes of Great Shows.” Today, I look back at what is arguably the greatest episode of “Full House.” Though the show was on its last legs, Season 8’s third episode, “Making Out Is Hard To Do,” remains my personal all-time favorite. To try to spice up the famously mild show, “Full House” gave middle daughter Stephanie Tanner a “bad girl” friend Gia, played by Marla Sokoloff. Thankfully for this blog post, someone on the internet (maybe James Franco?) remains completely obsessed with Marla Sokoloff, and has thankfully cut and posted “Full House” episodes with only the Marla Sokoloff scenes. Unfortunately I can't embed this video, so you'll need this link. Definitely watch it.

Greatest Episode of Full House

0:10 – 0:25: I wonder how the Olsen twins feel that their younger sister is now the new Hollywood It girl. Are they jealous? Are they supportive? Did they advise her to go into this business? I also wonder how they feel about murdering Heath Ledger. Wait, I’m kidding about that. I think.

0:28 – 0:38: This kid’s original move is to throw peas and onions at Stephanie’s neck. Remember that for later, when the kid ups his game 100,000x.

0:45 – 0:59: Given what’s on TV nowadays, it’s incredible to think that Gia seemed so slutty on this show.

1:45 – 1:55: For reasons that escape me, the laugh track still exists on shows today. I always hated the laugh track. But I DID ridiculously enjoy whenever they played that “OOOHHH” recording when something scandalous happened. I don’t think TV shows have the “OOOHHH” thing anymore, which is a real shame. “Saved By The Bell” was the king of that, they used at least one “OOOHHH” per episode. But what really took the cake is when they added this dude who would say “BUS-TED!” when everyone else went “OOOHHH.” It always slayed me to imagine 6 people in a sound studio, as a producer says “You five people, you’re gonna go ‘OOOOHH’ and then you, you’re the ‘BUS-TED’ guy, the whole thing really sits on your shoulders.”

1:57 – 2:00: I like how polite these kids are. Even though everyone wants to make out, no one starts until Stephanie gets there so Bobby doesn’t have to sit there alone, not making out. I thought that was nice.

2:15 – 2:26: I was not getting invited to a lot of parties like this in middle school. Or ever. I guess come to think of it, this party would be way too risqué for me even now.

2:35 – 2:44: Bobby ain’t fuckin’ around here, Steph.

3:10: “Steph, this is not a talking party.” That might be my single favorite line from any show, ever. Next time some girl talks to me at a party, I’m dropping that line.

3:20 – 3:40: “Don’t you like me?” “Then what’s the problem?” “Then why don’t we kiss while you figure it out!” Damn, dude, Bobby’s swag is on a million right now. I don’t want to break up a good time here, but what are the odds Bobby went on to roofie someone in college? 3:1? 5:2? I could probably be talked into even lower.

3:56 – 4:03: “How long are we supposed to do this?” “Until everyone else stops!!” I also plan to steal this line. Bobby is a child genius. Doogie should be ashamed. I also note that all the other kids gave Steph and Bobby the prime spot for making out, the couch. There’s literally two kids making out on the floor in the back corner. It seems kind of rude for everyone to go out of their way to make Steph comfortable, and then for her to bail like this.

4:32 – 4:37: Marla Sokoloff delivers the line “I’m really sorry Steph” like Stephanie just was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer.

4:45 – 4:55: Whenever I watch something where a character depends on a land line, I get all confused. It’s amazing how many movies and shows make absolutely no sense once you watch with the perspective that cell phones exist. It’s pretty much ruined the “character shows up for dinner date, sits at restaurant alone for 3 hours because the other person flaked” scene that I must have seen 300 times.

5:40 – 5:50: Okay, I get that it’s just a show, but “Laryngitis Bob Saget” sounds nothing like Candace Cameron. Come on Steph, it’s dumb moves like this that eventually made you into a meth addict. Although I guess that set the stage for history’s coolest intervention, so maybe it was all worth it.

5:51: I just saw Bobby is playing a handheld video game. I like that Bobby thought, “Well, I’ll probably be making out all party long, but just in case, I need a backup plan. Video games!” Bobby = my idol.

6:16: Bobby is the first one out the door. Nice move, Bobby. One thing I don’t get about this – do they all live within walking distance? How are all the kids going to get home? Stephanie obviously doesn’t live within walking distance, or she wouldn’t have needed to call Bob Saget. In case you’re wondering, I perform this rigorous logical analysis of every 1990s TV show. I am a lot of fun to be around.

Tune in next time for the greatest episode of “Family Matters” – I’m agonizing right now over which episode that is - there’s so many good candidates.

Jimmy Kimmel - Christmas Presents Part II

The sequel is on par with Godfather, Part II. The girl with the deodorant at 1:25 and the kid who gets the potato at 3:25 are so awesome. Those kids are being raised the right way. And to the girl at 3:16, believe in yourself. Age ain't nuthin' but a number.

Let's Go To The Mall!

Growing up, my local mall* was a lot like yours, except mine was prominently featured in “Jackie Brown” and also was the largest mall in the entire western hemisphere. The “Del Amo Fashion Center” held this title until I got to middle school, when some stupid mall in Canada (Edmonton?) built an environmental travesty/indoor water park that connected to their mall, thus surpassing my beloved local mall’s square footage. As a child, despite having an annual income of $0.00, I could scarcely think of anything more exhilarating than a trip to the Del Amo mall. The mall was this unending world of possibilities – it seemed to me the complex housed any product anyone could ever dream of wanting. Like if I could somehow physically step into Amazon.com while eating a hot dog on a stick. The Del Amo mall even had two completely separate multiplex movie theaters. Two different movie theaters! In one mall! The hedonism boggles the mind.

(*There was another mall near my high school, but no one ever buys anything there, so I don’t count that place. After Christmas I stopped in the Banana Republic – the sales clerk was so shocked to see a “customer” that she tripped while trying to greet me. The entire place must be a front for money laundering).

As you obviously know, no one goes to the mall anymore, for reasons I fully appreciate and agree with. Things are so bad for malls that Sbarro filed for bankruptcy. I stopped by Del Amo mall in January, and it looked awful. I saw boarded-up storefronts, signs that hadn’t been replaced in 20 years, and the same old beige-and-maroon patterned floor – I started to wonder if I had entered a time capsule.

Over the years, “Mallrats” has established this image of kids at the mall as slackers with nothing to do and nowhere to go, so hey, might as well hang out at the mall. While I like that movie, I want to forcefully assert that this is total nonsense. I used to be really, genuinely fired up to go to the mall, and so were most of my friends. If someone’s mom was driving to Del Amo, nobody ever passed on that opportunity.

It’s not that I am idiotically hoping indoor malls will make a comeback – it’s clearly good for society that Sbarro’s reign of inedible, disgusting, wasn’t-even-good-when-it-first-came-out-of-the-oven pizza/terror is coming to an end. But I had so many good times that I thought it would be nice to look back to better days, and my favorite spots at the mall.

Hat Kiosk – Oh man, there were so many hats! All in one place! I especially enjoyed the black LA Dodgers caps that Asian guys started wearing in their mid-90s effort to disown colors completely. I never had one, mostly because I look terrible in hats. But I was nevertheless excited by this kiosk.

Movie Theaters – Did I mention there were two?

Cinnabon – There were also two of these. I preferred the one in the main corridor because everyone would eye you with jealously when you bought one. The Cinnabon by the Marshall’s and Sam Goody just didn’t have the same glamour. Kind of like when Spago expanded out of Beverly Hills.

GameStop – To prevent kids from standing around playing the demo games, GameStop had a perfect solution. Every demo machine was always broken. GameStop is managed by business wunderkinds.

Things Remembered – I didn’t actually go in here, but I did want to share my super-awesome idea for a secondhand gift exchange for engraved items from Things Remembered. So if you have a candy box that reads, “To Lisa - I love you”, someone else dating a Lisa can buy it from you for 25 cents on the dollar. Payment declines the weirder your name is. This could be the best idea I ever had.

Poster Store – Poster store, I have no idea what you were called, but damn if you didn’t have a whole lot of posters. I was a particular sucker for Ken Griffey, Jr. posters when he was a Seattle Mariner. At age 11, the only difference to me between a Griffey poster and an original Matisse was that the Matisse looked like total ass. As an aside, basketball announcers always say “posterized” when someone gets dunked on, but it’s nearly impossible to find a poster where that’s actually the case. Whenever an announcer screams, “THAT’S GONNA BE ON A POSTER!” I yell back at my inanimate television, “I AM SKEPTICAL OF THAT OUTCOME!!”

The Sharper Image – How did this store stay in business for so long? Someone once gave me a $50 gift certificate to the Sharper Image. I couldn’t find anyone who would buy it from me for $35.

Sweet Factory – I finished every trip to the mall with a stop here. The variety of candy was staggering, there was a whole wall devoted to sour punch, sour straw and sour bands. I always denied to my mom that I was eating candy at the mall, but the red and green sour punch stuck in between my teeth was not super helpful to my case.

Farewell, mall. The memories are forever.

A Little Gross, But Still Important

Steve sent this along today, and even though it's kind of disgusting (1:07), I had to share for a couple reasons:

1. Love this kid's persistence. He's going to crush the GMAT one day.
2. He really does rock this out starting at 0:19.
3. But the obvious reason Steve sent this - this looks jarringly like me 15 years ago. Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that I can't play the drums (even in Rock Band, I sort of suck on the drums), I would be seriously wondering if this was some awful memory I blacked out from my youth.

Anyways, enjoy watching Baby Eric gut his way through an epic performance.

A Trip To The Chinese Market

Whenever I’m back in LA, at some point I end up with my parents at Chinese supermarkets. The Chinese supermarket experience is magical, and honestly, it’s better than Disneyland.  People have been afraid to say that, but not me. I’m not scared of you, Disneyland. Anyhow, a photo tour for the uninformed:

 Look at how pretty her lips are, must be from drinking a LOT of instant coffee.

This is an Australian king crab, but it reminded me of the boxes of blue crabs they sometimes have. As a kid/last year, I loved poking them with tongs and seeing which crab jumped the highest. Someone got all upset with my “animal cruelty” at which point I tried to make something up about how crabs have exoskeletons, so they don’t have any pain receptors. I should have told the truth which was, “Poking crabs is a hilarious good time.”

My favorite kind of fiesta. The Danish kind.

 Don’t eat the non-edible beef blood, it’s not good. Stick to the edible blood.

 The Cordyceps Fungus isn’t even one of the 10 most expensive fungi in the store.

I immediately bought 14 of these. My favorite thing about this might be the label at the top – “Communicate Everywhere”, evidently marketing the pearl earpick as a substitute to satellite phones.

 I never know what this means.

Regular supermarkets maybe sell like one footstool. The Chinese market invariably has its own footstool section. Is it wrong that I chuckle when I see this? I think it’s probably okay.

When I was little, my friend Ali had a pet turtle. It cost $110 from the pet store. My dad couldn’t believe Ali got his parents to pay roughly $250/lb. for a turtle when the going rate at the time was only $7.99/lb. 

Twitter, Expanded

In the ever-so-slight time gap in entries on the blog, I sometimes (rarely) would have the genesis of an interesting idea, but I was far too lazy to write 500 words. So, on Hemanshu’s advice, I started Tweeting (@ericswisdom) instead – maybe I couldn’t write 500 words, but surely I could muster the effort to write 12.

I didn’t understand Twitter at all when it debuted, choosing instead to mock people for their mindless self-absorption, and predicting that Twitter would die a rapid death.

That was perhaps the most glaring Andy-Rooney-hates-on-Kurt-Cobain “I don’t get you kids” moment of my life. (I think I just revealed myself to be 47 years old.) Eventually I conceded, and started working my own “prose” down to 140 characters. Most of what I tweeted about was pie, and my efforts to defeat the cupcake movement on a grassroots level, eventually leading to cupcake shops beings replaced nationwide with pie shops. That seems to be happening, so I’ve lost some of the energy that was driving my tweeting. Anyways, now that I’m theoretically writing this blog again, I thought it might be fun to expand on some tweets that didn’t get fully explored. Here’s the first three that caught my eye:

296 days ago: “If Obama had any sense, he would announce he was lowering his salary to one dollar. Americans would eat that nonsense like candy omnomnom”

I still think Obama should do this. His presidential salary is negligible when you think about his expected career earnings from books and speaking engagements. Why not do this, turnaround-CEO-style, and say, “Obviously this is a small and symbolic contribution, but sacrifice starts at the top. And if we all can sacrifice just a little bit…blah blah blah.” It would be political gold! I don’t understand why this hasn’t happened yet.

My dad thinks there should be a charity where you just give more money to the US government. Like voluntary increased taxation. He says that’s the neediest entity right now, so we should give money there. I told him traditional charities were always going to be more popular, to which he said, “Oh I see. Because that money is tax-deductible.” So then I started wondering whether voluntary taxes would themselves be tax-deductible. A couple seconds later my head literally exploded and there was a big mess on the floor.

276 days ago: “What did people do before the creation of the paper sleeve that goes outside the coffee cup? Nobody knows.” “My theory: only women, whose hands are less sensitive to heat, drank coffee on-the-go. Nobel Prize committee, I await your call.”

I surveyed my old coworkers, and everyone agreed that women can hold much hotter objects than men. Something can be scalding hot, and women just grab it like it’s nothing. I don’t even think they’re showing off, they just hardly notice heat. If you ask a woman about this, she’ll invariably say, “That’s because women have a higher pain tolerance than men.” If she’s extra fun, she will add, “It’s because we give birth.” I’m not 100% sure about that, but there’s no point arguing – once ladies bring up giving birth, you’ve reached the end of the conversation.

258 days ago: “Julia Roberts is such an entitled bitch at the end of Ocean’s 11 – angry bc a guy would leave her for $163 million. $163 million, come on!”

To refresh your memory on Ocean’s Eleven – Clooney and gang steal ONE HUNDRED SIXTY-THREE MILLION DOLLARS from Andy Garcia. Numerically, that looks like this: $163,000,000.00. Clooney asks Garcia if he would dump Julia Roberts if Clooney gave him information that led to getting the money back. Garcia says yes, Julia Roberts sees this on closed-circuit TV, becomes super furious and immediately dumps Garcia.

First of all, what if Garcia just said that to Clooney to get information, but he really had no intention whatsoever of dumping Julia Roberts? The dude just lost $163 million, I think he’s entitled to use some “unconventional” means to try to get the money back. But Julia doesn’t even consider this, she just immediately goes apeshit in her cold, distant way. Secondly, even if Garcia actually meant that he would dump her, we’re talking about $163 million dollars. I understand it’s hard to put a price on love, but it seems awfully arrogant to assume that your price is greater than $163 million dollars. If someone hinted at breaking up with me for $163 million dollars, I’d like to think I’d at least be willing to have a conversation about it. Would Clooney choose her over $163 million dollars? She has absolutely no idea! The scene is supposed to expose Garcia’s character for being phony, greedy and evil, but to me, it just reveals that Julia Roberts is spoiled and entitled. I hate Julia Roberts. Wait, I mean her character. I hate her character.

Facebook Timeline

Usually when Facebook unveils a new feature, I get all grumpy with my ever-decreasing “privacy,” which I am hell-bent on protecting for no conceivable reason. I always agree whenever someone says “I don’t like how much Facebook knows about me,” but that’s impossibly stupid, because I provided all the information in the first place. But last week, I switched to Facebook Timeline, and I must say that have no complaints, it is tremendous. I probably spent a good hour stalking myself for a change, and it was great fun seeing my weight and skin tone vacillate over the years. (2008 was my fattest year.) Seeing everything presented chronologically almost made me wish I had posted more on Facebook and subjected people to more inane status updates.

Unfortunately, Facebook doesn’t have anything on me pre-2004, other than my birth. So I got to thinking about other life milestones Facebook Timeline isn’t capturing. In the spirit of Christmas, I thought about when I first learned conclusively (spoiler alert!) that Santa Claus was an utter and complete lie.

3 Years Old: Getting fat from a daily diet of refried beans and nachos, oblivious to Santa even though he has been giving me gifts for a couple years now. Not only am I oblivious to Santa, I’m also probably oblivious to the gifts. Pass me some more nachos.

3 ½ Years Old: Full understanding of Santa Claus. Super freaking pumped about it. I was a pretty good kid, so not worried about coal at all.

4 Years Old: Santa gets me a globe. I am concerned that my letter got lost in the mail. I can’t be mad at Santa, so I instead blame our mailman and secretly plot his demise.

4 ½ Years Old: I start to gain some minor understanding of how many homes and children exist in the world. Don’t have precise numbers, but I know it’s a lot.

5 Years Old: I’m getting mad suspicious about Santa. How does this guy eat so many cookies? I LOVE cookies, but even when I’m really really hungry I can at eat at MOST like 14 cookies. How can one dude eat at least 1,000,000 cookies? Something does not add up, and by this age, I’m getting real damn good at addition. My friend says I must not love cookies enough, but that’s preposterous, nobody loves cookies more than me.

5 ½ Years Old: I continue to search high and low for credible explanations, but none are forthcoming. I plan deep undercover investigation for Christmas.

6 Years Old: Oh, I see. Santa has my mom’s handwriting. Check.

I wonder how immigrant parents spread the word about what they’re supposed to do in these kinds of situations. The one I wondered the most about was the tooth fairy; how did my parents learn about that? I must have just excitedly blabbered about how I would spend the dollar I was getting once my tooth finally fell out. I bet my parents then had to call other parents asking, “Uhhh, so…‘tooth fairy’? You’re saying our children believe a magical being flies around at night and collects teeth? Why does it go under the pillow? That is not clean, so we will need to wash the sheets afterwards. $1 feels like too much money!” Truth be told, I never even believed in the tooth fairy – I just wanted a dollar. That whole story never made sense, what are the tooth fairy’s motivations? Why does she want all these teeth, it’s totally gross. I just tried reading the tooth fairy entry on Wikipedia, and I didn’t get any good answers.

Anyways, Facebook Timeline has done a good job capturing some milestones, but there’s a lot missing. More milestones to come. Maybe. We all know how bad I am about updating this.