Liar Liar

So I have this idea for a new game (maybe a board game?) and I wanted to run it by people. So someone tells a story, which starts off as a true story, but ends with a bunch of total lies. Everyone else playing has to guess at what point the story became false. I'm not sure how all the logistics would work, but it seems like it could be fun, especially if you stick to stories that are already hilarious and improbable, but really happened. Like how Rich told me today that he once got into a car accident with a van carrying a full mariachi band, and everyone was wearing their sombreros and mariachi pants and everything. (This did, in fact, happen to Rich). I wonder how much further he could have gone before I started questioning things. For instance, I probably would have believed that one of the guys in the band was a mariachi midget. Or that one of the guys was Japanese. Anyways, does this seem like a good idea for a game? We can always make it into a drinking game if it doesn't seem exciting enough. Sure beats those idiotic "State of the Union" drinking games I was witness to in college.

If you're not into creating any new games, there's always the old reliables. Like Connect Four. I would just like to state for the record that in June, I defeated Joel Hwang in Connect Four in only 8 moves. He was not intoxicated, and he was trying to win. Joel, if you're reading this, I own you.

I could probably do a lengthy post about board games. Perhaps that will come in the future, one can never be too certain of the future.

Things I Wonder

Today, "Things I Type" brings you, "Things I Wonder", where I express my wonderment at a wide range of topics nobody cares about.

Isn't it a wonder that we so rarely have collisions with little children? I mean, they're running around all over the place, with reckless abandon - they bump into furniture, they trip, they get hurt all the time (though they spring back into "reckless abandon mode" quite quickly). Since most little kids are significantly below my line of sight, I often find myself stopping suddenly and going, "Whoa!" as some Carl Lewis-emulating kid whizzes by mere inches away from my knees. Although I myself bruise like a peach in the knee area, my knee in your face is nonetheless not the best of feelings. But I pretty much never have any collisions with little kids, despite a whole host of close calls. I wonder why that is.

I also wonder why when your plane lands, and it is "taxi-ing"/waiting for an available gate, why they can't just tell you how long it's going to be. I took a flight last week from Salt Lake City to Los Angeles, and after landing on time, we waited 85 minutes to actually get off the plane, as our pilot kept "Chinese restaurant-ing" us with "it'll be about 5-10 minutes". A lot of people get really angry with everyone at the airport - I try to be as sympathetic as possible. Almost everyone who works there isn't responsible for things being crappy, it's just a busted system. So I try to see the airline and the airline employee side of things all the time, but here I can't come up with any logical excuses for them. As we waited and waited, people tried to go use the bathroom, but they kept yelling at them to sit down, even though our plane was stationery at times for over 20 minutes. I really don't get it - the airport knows how many planes are coming, and it knows how many gates it has. I understand not always being allowed to go straight to the gate, but wouldn't it be easy (or honestly, mandatory) to know how many planes are in front of a given plane? And then they could just tell you how long you would be waiting, and let 80-year old guys go to the bathroom rather than risking them wetting their pants?

Isn't it a wonder they still make globes? I think Mike was the one who pointed this out to me - who would actually use a globe today? Other than illustrating that Earth is not flat, what exactly is the point of a globe nowadays? As a child I found the fact that they spin to be incredibly fascinating, but I would think modern technology has blown that one out of the water for today's youth.

Hope you've enjoyed this "Things I Wonder" segment. If not, it will never run again. Your voice will be heard, I am a man of the people.

Talking To Myself Some More

Here, I continue my fictionalized conversation with myself about the world of television.

Eric: Hey, Eric. How are things going?
Eric: Not the best, a bird flew into my face Fabio-style today. I have this big bruise on the side of my face and now it hurts to floss.

Eric: The good-looking people never get the breaks, do they?
Eric: No, they really don't.

Eric: Anyways, I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the world of commercials.
Eric: My commercial watching has been down since I got a TiVo, but I can comment historically. I always thought one of the most underrated ads of all time was this Volkswagen ad, which is artistically shot, perfectly timed, and is just plain funny.


My #2 most underrated ad is this Nike "Musical Chairs" interpretation, which works visually far better than I would have imagined had I seen it on paper. I don't know many people who have seen this ad - I wonder if it would have captured the public imagination more with some star power.


Finally, I think that the "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" was one of the most overrated and inexplicably popular ads of all time. I only thought it was marginally funny at the time, and couldn't believe that an entire campaign would be built around it. It would grow to be as tiresome as the "Whassssssup?!?" ads, but at least there, I felt that the original ad was inspired and unique. The Taco Bell ad seems to only be funny if you inherently think Spanish is funny. Like whoever enjoyed "Nacho Libre".


Eric: You don't seem to be all that discriminating with what you watch on TV, much like myself. What is the worst show you've ever seen?
Eric: This is a hard question to answer, because I've only seen the worst shows ever like one time, or in many cases only for 15 or 20 minutes. Oftentimes, a show isn't as preposterously bad as it first appears, just regular-bad. That being said, I have some reasonable guesses at 4 candidates for the "Worst Ever" title. They are all, of course, reality shows and you've likely never heard of any of them (the worst scripted shows is another question entirely, which we can take up in the comments if anyone is interested in my take).

Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People - I can barely even describe this show without laughing. Like hotornot.com meets American Idol. The judging panel (including Lorenzo Lamas) scored you on "face", "body", and "sex appeal". Watch this video, and listen closely as the announcer asks this girl for her "Declaration of Hotness".




Britney and Kevin: Chaotic - I've never seen this show, but people who have are confident that it is the worst thing ever put on television. The "show" was cobbled together almost solely from home video footage shot by Mr. Federline and Ms. Spears themselves, so...yeah. That's gotta be a winner.

Looking For Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska - A bunch of desperate women get sent to glaciers in Alaska to compete in various games (like catching giant fish thrown at them - seriously) to get chances to meet random guys. I've seen the least of this show - only about 10 minutes. It was a sadly memorable 10 minutes.

Mr. Personality - This was a Bachelorette-type dating show. Hosted by MONICA LEWINSKY. Let that sink in for a second. The premise was that a woman would date a bunch of guys, all of whom were wearing masks. So, knowing them only by personality, who would she pick? The show took a turn to crazytown when the men alleged that the guy in the green mask was unfairly using his powers of hypnosis (seriously) to control the mind of the woman. Sadly there are no YouTube clips of this. I really wish you could see this.

Eric: It's been fun talking to you again. We should discuss movies next time.
Eric: Yes, let's! I'm like, super-duper psyched!

Who's NOW - Public Voting

Thanks to an excellent suggestion from Winston, there is now a voting tool on the right which will allow you to voice your own opinion on who is more NOW, my mom or my dad.

The relevant info needed to make your vote is in the longer post below. I am also taking into consideration the suggestion to make public the overall bracket.

Voting closes in 6 days, I personally will be shocked if there are more than 10 votes.

Who's NOW: My Mom or My Dad

In case you don't watch Sportscenter (and these days that's probably a pretty good idea), ESPN has been running this idiotic segment all summer where they arbitrarily compare athletes in different sports and discuss at excruciating length which athlete is more "NOW". The capital letters are from ESPN, not me. Like, who is more "NOW", Tony Parker or Roger Federer? Evidently the winner (although it's more fair to say we're all big losers here) is crowned the "ultimate sports star".

I enjoy these segments so thoroughly that I have decided to perform my own investigation of who is the most "NOW" in my life. The comparisons will be as illogical as ESPN's. I admit right now that this will all make zero sense. I start, today, with a sensible enough battle - my mom versus my dad.

Inquisitive Nature

Today, my dad literally asked me: "Can you believe Jim doesn't know how to do a dieletric sphere made of tetrahedrons?" Okay, so the first problem with this question is that I don't know who Jim is. Suffice it to say that is not the last problem with the question. After responding with "um, what?" my dad proceeded to get all riled up about other engineering things that I rapidly tuned out.

My mom also asks bad questions, but in a totally different way. When I was 16, I was watching something on NBC, and David Schwimmer comes out for one of those "The More You Know" segments and is like "Talk to your kids - they have the answers for you, but you have to ask". My mom then looks at me and asks, "Are you in a gang?" I was speechless for a little while, but decided to go literal - "No mom. I am not in a gang." Fucking David Schwimmer.

Point for: My mom. Her questions are at least, sort of, questions.

Exercise Frequency

My dad plays tennis about once a week and used to run on a treadmill. My mom can walk reasonably long distances if inside Costco.

Point for: My dad.

Greatest Purchase

My dad recently purchased a pair of sunglasses at a 99 cent store, which he couldn't be prouder of. The best thing is that my dad wears regular glasses. He puts the 99 cent glasses on over his normal glasses, thus wearing two pairs of glasses on his face. He can't get over how awesome this all is. (The guy in the picture is not my dad, but I wanted to present the situation visually.)

My mom bought a cable modem.

Point for: My mom.

Telecom Capabilities

My mom is one of those people who will call you at one number, and if you don't pick up the phone, leaves a message saying that she will also try you at your other number. This bugs me to no end, and it's bad voicemails like these that have essentially crippled our modern voicemail system. And Alec Baldwin I guess.

My dad got a cellphone about 2 years ago, and still cannot answer incoming calls. Sometimes I miss his call, and when I try to immediately call back, he never picks up. He has not successfully answered an incoming call in these 2 years.

Point for: This is a tough one, but I'm gonna say my dad. I know that sounds crazy, but my mom also normally can't answer incoming calls, a point I neglected to make above.

Cuisine Enjoyed

My dad likes only shellfish, and detests pretty much all other food. He's not in love with my mom's cooking, but also dislikes eating out. One local restaurant raised its lunch special price by 25 cents, and he called me to say he would never eat there again.

My mom is bananas over the fact that she now eats a preposterously large bowl of oatmeal each morning. She adds flaxseed sometimes, which I think is sort of trendy. The large bowl of morning oatmeal (as well as a diminishing overall appetite) causes her to eat very little at lunch and dinner.

Point for: I'm gonna say this is a draw.

Rollin' on 28s

After getting into a car accident my senior year of high school that ended our 1987 Nissan Stanza, my dad set about buying a car. What he ended up with was the world's last 1986 Nissan Pulsar, a car one grade below the Stanza. (The car pictured is like my dad's car, except it has all its hubcaps and doesn't appear to have a bunch of large dents.) In case you don't know how old I am, this all happened in 2000. My dad continues to drive this thing in 2007, although he fears he will have to junk it soon because it won't be able to pass its next smog test. It really shouldn't have passed the last one, something really shady went down at that Korean garage.

My mom drives your standard Asian mom Toyota Camry. Please don't hit her on the road. She is trying her best.

Point for: I admire my dad's automotive tenacity, but since I'm judging who's more "NOW", this one goes to mom.

So there you have it - my mom is more "NOW", by a score of 3-2-1. She will move on to face the winner of an as-yet-undetermined matchup.

Talking To Myself

I'm running out of format ideas, so for this next entry, I am going to have a fictionalized conversation with myself. What would Eric talk to Eric about? There would be much to discuss, but might as well start with the important stuff: television.

Eric: I'm looking for a new show to watch on DVD - any recommendations?
Eric: How about "NewsRadio", Season 3? To me, the quirky sitcom about a radio station's eccentric owner and staff is television's underappreciated gem of the 1990s. The show was slotted in 11 different time slots, and was perpetually on the brink of cancellation, but I'll remember it for its phenomenal cast, offbeat writing and absurdist sensibilities. The stellar ensemble cast was highlighted by Dave Foley (Kids in the Hall), Maura Tierney (ER), Stephen Root (Milton from "Office Space" - if you've only seen him in wimpy "Dodgeball" roles, you're in for a treat) and of course, the late, great Phil Hartman. In a way, "NewsRadio" was simply ahead of its time. "NewsRadio", with its brisk-paced, absurd, almost out-of-control humor feels much more at home in a world where "Zoolander" and "Anchorman" have broken down some of the barriers between "funny ha-ha" and "funny ridiculous". Season 3 was my favorite season - it's out on DVD with some great commentary, check it out if you can. Here's a clip where the staff discovers a horrible secret about Dave - he's Canadian.


Eric: I've seen "NewsRadio" before - how about something I've never heard of?
Eric: Check out the one and only season of "Undeclared". Before Judd Apatow was producing hit comedies like "40-Year Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up", he was getting unlucky in the sitcom world, putting together great shows that no one watched. He's more famous for "Freaks and Geeks", which is a better show with richer characters, but "Undeclared" is simply funnier, a great take on starting college. Seth Rogen of "Knocked Up" is downright hilarious - here, the guys try to induce a game of truth or dare with the girls.


Eric: Thanks for all this useful information, Eric! Who knew someone so good-looking could also posess so much worthwhile knowledge?
Eric: I surprise myself even.

Eric: I am eating some jambalaya. What else should I know?
Eric: My, that sounds delicious. If you're an Aaron Sorkin fan ("The West Wing", "A Few Good Men"), check out "Sports Night", which is a lot like the ill-fated "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip", if Studio 60 didn't suck. "Sports Night" is like Studio 60, except they run a pseudo-Sportscenter instead of a pseudo-SNL, and more importantly, the show is only 30 minutes, thus forcing Sorkin to pare down his endless preaching and moralizing. Felicity Huffman is good in it, as is the guy from "Six Feet Under". The show was never hysterically funny, but the characters were touching and there was a steady stream of light laughs - I can't post any clips because it won't make any sense, but trust me, if you're a Sorkin fan, you'll like "Sports Night".

Eric: Well thanks for all the TV advice. We'll talk again soon.
Eric: Yes, let's. I'm hungry. Jam-ba-la-ya!

Positive Thoughts

The blog has been a little downbeat lately - so in an effort to fulfill the self-proclamation that this won't be a "this is why everything sucks" blog, here's a few things I enjoy and recommend.

For Reading: For several years now, Emily Yoffe has written an interesting column at slate.com called "Human Guinea Pig". In her own words, she "[tries] things you might want to do but don't have the time or opportunity." Her latest experience was to be a "standardized patient" at Georgetown, receiving 23 head-to-toe physicals from 23 second-year medical students. The account is hilarious, highlights being her blood pressure reading ranging from 87/60 to 125/90 and a student-doctor who removes her bra to listen to her heart. The sample medical patient article is here; I find her column even funnier given all the first and second-year medical school friends I have who have undergone the same (undoubtedly) awkward experience. I first encountered her column a couple years ago when she recounted her attempts to defeat a lie detector test. That, and other accounts definitely worth a read, can be found here.

For Listening: For years now, my favorite artist has been the incredible Talib Kweli. To call him a "rapper" (which he is) feels like an insulting term, as it suggests similarities to D4L or implies that he's working on the next "Party Like a Rockstar". So "artist" it is. He has a new album coming out on July 24th called "Eardrum" which I'm looking forward to eagerly. He's long been a favorite within the music industry, and his collaborators on "Eardrum" would be fitting for a multi-platinum superstar (Norah Jones, will.i.am, KRS-One, Justin Timberlake, Just Blaze, Musiq Soulchild, UGK). The longtime Kweli favorites, like Hi-Tek, Kanye West and DJ Khalil are around again, although Mos Def isn't. The leaks I've heard sound extremely promising. He took a lot of flak for his supposedly overly commercial mindset on his last album, but I don't mind it - extending someone with this much talent to the masses can only be a good thing. I've heard him say plenty of times that he views himself as a piece of hip-hop and not its savior. Talib and I will agree to disagree.

For those of you who plan to immediately disregard all of this because you hate rap, take a look at this video, which is technically poetry (although I'm certain in 500 years, historians will think they are one and the same.) Even if you disagree with the message, his talent is undeniable.



For Drinking: On one of my last days in New York, I went into a Tribeca drugstore to get some bottled water. The incredibly attractive woman walking in front of me picked out a bottle I had never seen before, so naturally I just bought the exact same thing, because that's how I roll. Turned out to be this mint-flavored water called "Metromint", and while both looking stupid and sounding stupid (direct quotes from the bottle-text include "Real mint stimulates the brain to open your senses and send cooling sensations throughout your body"), I have to admit it was pretty refreshing. I'm not sure if they sell this everywhere, but if you already buy bottled water, give this a shot. I'm buying it again if I ever see it somewhere, unless a different hot chick buys something else.

For Looking: Tribeca drugstore customer was hot, but nowhere near as hot as my "celebrity" crush of the moment, Miranda Kerr. I'm sure there's a lot of facts to know about her, but since she's a model, who cares. Google away.