As the model of television broadcasting and programming
changes, I find that everyone I know only watches “high quality” shows in large
chunks. A whole season of Game of Thrones on a random Sunday, season 4 of
Dexter the next week, season 1 of Walking Dead on a long weekend. It seems no
one has time anymore for one of my favorite childhood pastimes – burning a half
hour watching a disposable, gleefully stupid show that you’ll never have a
discussion with anyone about. As a tribute to this forgotten form of television
viewing, I’ve written a few longer nostalgic posts. Today’s focus: game shows.
I decided to look at some of my favorite game shows through the lens of how
well I would fare if I was somehow selected.
How I would fare: Game-changing business idea
Making it onto the show could be a once-in-a-lifetime event – and you’re going to step into that situation playing a game for the very first time? In front of a studio audience? Wouldn’t all these senior citizens want to know that they had prepared themselves for the best way to slide Plinko chips, or have mastered the Range Game under time pressure? Most importantly, wouldn’t they pay $250 apiece to master spinning the giant wheel to land on 1.00? If people will go to Ninja Warrior training facilities, I’m certain they’ll want to attend The Price is Right Training Camp.
Sequence of events: 1. I build exact Price is Right replicas in an old person place like Florida or Arizona. 2. I mint cash. I’m already oversubscribed for my Series A round.
2 Minute Drill
How I would fare: Obviously awesome
ESPN had this awesome sports game show from 2000-2001 called “2 Minute Drill” hosted by Kenny Mayne, which I actually would have tried to get onto if it wasn’t cancelled so soon. You can still play an online version of the game here.
The funniest thing about this show was that the questions were read to you rapid fire (two minutes in total, hence “2 Minute Drill”), by former star athletes. While I am making no commentary on athletes in general, I will say that some former athletes do not appear to have complete mastery of skills such as reading and pronunciation. I would laugh as the contestant squirmed awkwardly as Franco Harris or Barry Alvarez spent 15 seconds to read only one question.
Jeopardy
How I would fare: Pretty solidly, if I could go back to the knowledge I had at age 16.
I should start by pointing everyone who somehow hasn’t seen Leonard from Little Rock, Arkansas completely crush Jeopardy’s Teen Tournament to this incredible episode. Leonard is a boss.
I also think they should do a cross-format show, where the best kid under age 9 competes against the Celebrity Jeopardy champion. It would be awesome to see a 7-year old Indian kid go mano a mano with Sam Waterston. Super compelling television.
Family Feud
The biggest problem here would be the involvement of my own family. If you surveyed 100 people on literally any topic, my dad would produce an answer that matched exactly 0 of the 100 people surveyed.
“We surveyed 100 people – what is your favorite thing to do on a Sunday?”
Dad: “Eat a $5.99 chinese food lunch special and then watch 3 movies on DVD. Also, the $5.99 meal is very overpriced, I don’t know how they can justify charging so much!”
“We surveyed 100 people – what is the best kind of sandwich to put on a roll?”
Dad: “Nobody likes sandwiches.”
I would really need to carry the team here.
Hollywood Squares
How I would fare: I’m a great tic-tac-toe player and I can always tell when celebrities are lying, so I think quite well.
Someone needs to explain to me in meticulous detail why this show did not become a worldwide phenomenon.
American Gladiators
How I would fare: Would sustain massive injury
Loved loved loved LOVED this show. The open embrace of
1980s-style steroids from juiceheads lovably named Nitro, Lazer and Turbo led
to all kinds of over-the-top ridiculousness. One of my favorite steroid rage
moments was the inexplicable decision of Turbo to punch a contestant in the
face during one game (see 0:58 and 1:35 of this epic clip).
Suffice it to say, I would not thrive in this environment. I don’t even think I
would do as well as Steve Urkel does when he goes head-to-head with Carl
Winslow in a truly underappreciated late-era Family Matters classic. Note that
Urkel makes it all the way across the handbike. Could I really pull that off?
Sometimes you have to ask yourself the hard questions.
Price is Right
How I would fare: Game-changing business idea
A lot of people have written about what it takes to get on
the show, which is basically a lot of un-ironic enthusiasm and stupid clothing.
Vish’s friend made it on in college – it’s easier to get on this show than you
might think. I also think you can do pretty well on this show by just studying
the pricing of a lot of basic consumer goods. But to strike it really rich on
this show, you need to make the showcase showdown, and to do that, you need to
be able to properly spin the big wheel. Which brings me to my awesome new
business idea: The Price is Right Training Camp.
Making it onto the show could be a once-in-a-lifetime event – and you’re going to step into that situation playing a game for the very first time? In front of a studio audience? Wouldn’t all these senior citizens want to know that they had prepared themselves for the best way to slide Plinko chips, or have mastered the Range Game under time pressure? Most importantly, wouldn’t they pay $250 apiece to master spinning the giant wheel to land on 1.00? If people will go to Ninja Warrior training facilities, I’m certain they’ll want to attend The Price is Right Training Camp.
Sequence of events: 1. I build exact Price is Right replicas in an old person place like Florida or Arizona. 2. I mint cash. I’m already oversubscribed for my Series A round.
2 Minute Drill
How I would fare: Obviously awesome
ESPN had this awesome sports game show from 2000-2001 called “2 Minute Drill” hosted by Kenny Mayne, which I actually would have tried to get onto if it wasn’t cancelled so soon. You can still play an online version of the game here.
The funniest thing about this show was that the questions were read to you rapid fire (two minutes in total, hence “2 Minute Drill”), by former star athletes. While I am making no commentary on athletes in general, I will say that some former athletes do not appear to have complete mastery of skills such as reading and pronunciation. I would laugh as the contestant squirmed awkwardly as Franco Harris or Barry Alvarez spent 15 seconds to read only one question.
A few years later, one of my associates in banking revealed
he was a contestant on the show, and furiously claimed the only reason he lost
was because Tug McGraw couldn’t read the teleprompter. Though to be fair, this
same guy claimed he “invented bottle service at clubs”, so it’s possible he
would have lost regardless.
Jeopardy
How I would fare: Pretty solidly, if I could go back to the knowledge I had at age 16.
I should start by pointing everyone who somehow hasn’t seen Leonard from Little Rock, Arkansas completely crush Jeopardy’s Teen Tournament to this incredible episode. Leonard is a boss.
When I was in high school and actively studying most of the
subjects that appear on Jeopardy, I was pretty convinced one day I would go on the
show. The only category that consistently stumped me was opera. In the back of
my mind, I had this plan to one day learn a lot about opera, and then proceed
to dominate the show. Of course, I never learned anything about opera, and also
forgot everything I did know to begin with.
I also think they should do a cross-format show, where the best kid under age 9 competes against the Celebrity Jeopardy champion. It would be awesome to see a 7-year old Indian kid go mano a mano with Sam Waterston. Super compelling television.
Family Feud
The biggest problem here would be the involvement of my own family. If you surveyed 100 people on literally any topic, my dad would produce an answer that matched exactly 0 of the 100 people surveyed.
“We surveyed 100 people – what is your favorite thing to do on a Sunday?”
Dad: “Eat a $5.99 chinese food lunch special and then watch 3 movies on DVD. Also, the $5.99 meal is very overpriced, I don’t know how they can justify charging so much!”
“We surveyed 100 people, what is the first thing you would
buy if your boss gave you a raise?”
Dad: “The raise pool is pathetic now, that would not happen.”
Dad: “The raise pool is pathetic now, that would not happen.”
“We surveyed 100 people – what is the best kind of sandwich to put on a roll?”
Dad: “Nobody likes sandwiches.”
I would really need to carry the team here.
Hollywood Squares
How I would fare: I’m a great tic-tac-toe player and I can always tell when celebrities are lying, so I think quite well.
Honestly, I didn’t really like this show that much, the
forced banter of the C and D list celebrities never much appealed to me, and
watching two people play a giant game of tic-tac-toe is not exactly Kasparov
versus Deep Blue. I only bring this up because I wanted to talk about a remake
that recently came to my attention: Hip Hop Squares. Airing on MTV2, Hip Hop
Squares is the same show, except the celebrities have changed from Martin Mull
and Joan Rivers to DJ Khaled, Ghostface Killah and Fat Joe. The “Secret Square”
has been renamed the “G-Spot”. In this groundbreaking television clip, Lil
Duval explains that the “F-Cup” in bra sizes stands for “F*ck-Cup.” I see what
you did there, Lil Duval. Well played.
Someone needs to explain to me in meticulous detail why this show did not become a worldwide phenomenon.
Next time: Nickelodeon game shows for kids.
