The Rich Genius Society

Last month Justin sent me an article about Samir Patel, the “Dan Marino of spelling”, who never won the National Spelling Bee despite coming close on a number of occasions. Now Samir is 14, and he appears to be moderately interested in what life has to offer beyond reading the dictionary. This is a humdrum article, but what caught Justin’s eye, and mine, was this passage at the end.

The first few weeks of the spring semester, his government professor, Lou Bradizza, didn't know Samir was so young until he saw the boy walking out of class one day…If Samir were 18, he'd stand among the brightest in the school, Bradizza says, and the fact that he's 14 gives him "potential to be a real star."

"He told me he wanted to get into the [technical] field, but I'm hoping to change his mind. I think a really bright kid like that should be steered into the humanities. If you look around the country, you'll notice our planes are well maintained and fly and don't normally crash, our doctors are competent and we've made big strides in computer technology. But my view is when you have an extremely talented person, the last thing we need is one more computer programmer. The fact that I am thinking this way about him is an indication of how much promise I see in him."

Although it bothers me, I’ll choose to ignore the mildly racist overtones of “Professor” Bradizza thinking so highly of Samir that he might be able to succeed as something other than a computer programmer. What bothers me more is this ridiculous (and sadly, all-too-common) disregard for science.

We all think and say dumb things sometimes, but I can hardly imagine saying something more fucking stupid than the above quote. Has the good professor has ever stopped to wonder how the hell we were able to make planes that don’t crash, or why his “computer technology” improves in capability and accessibility every year? While this guy might be perfectly happy with his current ability to fly without dying and then stream porn on his laptop after landing, it’s assuredly not the right long-term view for the rest of us. America no longer has a natural resource advantage. We certainly don’t have a low-cost labor advantage. Our only potential advantage is technological innovation, and, as such, it needs to be pursued full force.

I say this without an ounce of self-propaganda. I work in finance, after all. I am useless. And I also have no idea if Samir Patel will be able to make a meaningful contribution to technological innovation. I’m unconvinced that being able to spell words nobody ever uses translates into “talented medical researcher”. But if Samir is indeed a talented medical researcher, but also a superb scholar of Matisse, suffice it to say we’re probably a little bit better off if he gets into medical research. And please don’t be offended if you did a 500-page thesis on Matisse. Even though you're not multiplying the GDP, I still think you’re a swell person.

Now, how do we actually pursue innovation “full force”? Well, I’m glad I asked myself that question. The ideal situation would be something like the space race of the 1960s, which used large federal investments to dramatically increase the science and engineering workforce, and ultimately contributed to major innovations in the subsequent decades. Unfortunately, nobody seems too interested anymore in using fluid dynamics to defeat commies and then indirectly boost our GDP. So I thought of something else, an elegant, low-cost solution to the American brain drain. I call it the “Rich Genius Society”.

The “Rich Genius Society” will consist of 500 of the world’s most talented scientists, research doctors, engineers, physicists, etc. It’s a misconception that people in those fields are just pure dorks who love textbooks and only need a little money to support their Dungeons and Dragons and LARP habits. They want a LOT of money to support those habits. That’s why this isn’t going to be the Genius Society. It’s going to be the Rich Genius Society. They’ll all be on 3-year contracts at a minimum guaranteed salary of $5 million per year, tax free. That’s right kids – tax free.

A member of the Rich Genius Society can pick any university, research lab or corporation in the country to be headquartered out of. Actually they can work out of their own basements if they want. If you’re international (as most of the society will be), we give you 10 green cards to bring over your family and loved ones. If no one loves you, you can sell those green cards on the black market to a non-terrorist, and make a killing.

The whole goal here is to create a lottery system, sort of like drug dealing. Only a select few people become wealthy as drug dealers, yet lots of people deal drugs. That’s in part due to lack of other viable job opportunities, but it’s also because of the visibility and massive cash generation of the select people at the top. My mission is to reconstruct science in the mold of drug dealing. What that means, then, is that we need to fire up the national propaganda machine to make these people stars as well. We’ll have a massive ad campaign showing Rich Geniuses with hot female and male models, swimming through a giant pool of $100 bills. We’ll get them access to the high life, exclusive parties, courtside seats, private jets, plastic surgery. Maybe they don’t want that. Maybe they want to orbit the Earth or have a one-on-one dinner with George Lucas. Frankly, I don’t know what these people want. Neither do you. But we’ll ask, and then make that happen. And then, more importantly, tell everyone we made that happen. Science can be something aspirational for materialistic people; we have to stop thinking of it as something for nut jobs who don’t value money, status or perks.

My plan is relatively cheap, I estimate this can be accomplished on a budget of about $5 billion a year, peanuts to the American government. Obviously I have high expectations of the 500 Rich Geniuses, but the real value is in the effect it has on future generations. In 15-20 years, we should really start seeing the impact, as more and more people enter the American scientific community, whether they’re born here or abroad. In 40 years, we will have asserted ourselves as the world leader in basic science, engineering, medicine and alternative energy. GDP will be up massively, we’ll be politically stronger, safer and richer.

This is gonna work. I only need like 200 billion dollars and 40 years to make it happen. But it’s gonna work, trust me.